Who Were You Most Worried Of Finding Out?

[MetalGurl]

For those of us who are open with their loved ones and have people who already know about them, who were you most scared of telling or finding out? If you're still keeping it a secret (like myself), who would you be most worried of telling?

For me, it'd probably be my father, seeing as I'm his only son, which I'm sure may apply to a lot of people. But despite all of that, I just don't think he'd be accepting at all, even if he had another son. While dressing isn't indicative of homosexuality, there's still that stereotype out there, which I think he'd jump to that assumption.

[Rogina B]

In order to be comfortable in testing other people's acceptance of your Transness,you have to be comfortable with their assumption that you may be gay...Get over that,and you will have a lot less anxiety about revealing yourself.

[Jenniferathome]

I was most worried about my wife finding out. So I told her. Parents and kids don't need to be told unless you plan on living cross dressed.

[Ms. Laura]

Right there with you on the Father. Every day I try to be a father that won't be a source of hangups!

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Stacie, I am most concerned of telling my SO.
We shared well over half of our lives together, and with that
comes a lot of great memories, along with all the physical belongings
I would hate to have it all get thrown away because she is not accepting.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Marcie]

I would not like my wife or my adult children finding out, as I know none of them, would accept me in my roll as Marcie

[RenneB]

Oh let's see.... mmmm.... employer as I'm at-will/no-cause and the SO as she has already hinted of dropping the D word if she 'catches' me.... Living with this secret identity is hell....but since I love my job and the SO does a really great job at taking care of the offspring... it's a life I just have to live with.... for now.

Renne.....

[Ms. Alexis]

I am with RenneB on the Work thing.. Living in the Bible belt even though I work for a company with "Diversity" policies I think that if I came out at work I would be an outcast and in my line of work (12hr small crew shift work) if your an outcast you generally don't last long as the truth is no-one is above reproach and I have seen different folks sent off for "ethics violations" as a catch all when they didn't fit the culture. I guess I'm actually very lucky though as while my SO and I were dating I came out to her (discovered who I was with my 2nd ex and after all that mess I vowed that I would never have a serious relationship and hide who I am) and she accepts me for who I am, I've came out to my kids who are Late Teen and Almost Teen (I don't do anything in front of them, but told them who I am as I didn't want them to someday discover and then feel that they were lied to) and the rest of my immediate family has known since about 04.. and go figure, my father is a CD as well (never knew~ Everyone else in the family knew for years but didn't let me in on the secret- hows that for Irony!).
So I guess work and the in the general community are all that I have left to fear. Damn, in putting this into words I really am very fortunate.. but then I could still be hiding to many if I didn't chose not to live a secret life to those who matter most.

[Candice Mae]

So far the hardest to tell was my sister, we were very close growing up and know each other very well. When I told her she had no doubt in her mind that it was what I needed to do.

[MetalGurl]

I'm in a Right To Work area as well, so I fully understand the employer fear. I'm in a small office myself of only a handful of people who work closely together 40+ hours a week, so all it would take would be one of us to be uncomfortable with it and suddenly a lot of problems could arise.

[Beverley Sims]

I think my father too.

[Erica Marie]

Im worried about anyone finding out. But if I had to pick one person it would be my son. He is in his upper teens but he still expects "dad" to be there for him. My daughter is almost 21 and in her third year of college majoring in psychology. I think she would probably accept me for who I am and also I feel my mother would accept me for who I am. She is a very understanding person. Being single rules out needing to tell a wife or s/o.

[Rachelakld]

If work found out, I lose my job, house and possibly family in the financial fallout.
Direct family already know, remote family can't hurt us financially, best they could hurt is by not talking to us, which is actually normal except for birthdays and Christmas.

[sanderlay]

Before I was out, an in the closet CD, my parents, and mainly my Father, would have been the hardest to tell. But after both my parents passed the fears went away. I felt released from their influence and I wanted the secret to end. I wanted to be honest with friends and other family members and dress full time. With in a year or so I was out and full time.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Well, before I told her, the GF to be. Not so much that i thought there would be a strong negative reaction, but more that there was so much riding on it. I really wanted her to be my GF, and now she is, my life has gotten so much better...

Now? If work found out, it might cause some awkwardness with some staff, though I think there will be no impact on me from the point of view of the employer. I would not come out to them as a crossdresser, as I don't identify as such, but I am planning on trying to get skirts into my work outfits. I am not ...worried... as such, just not looking forward to the hassle of getting through it. My family? Not sure if it will ever come up, though it probably will, some will be no problem, some may give me some grief. Not expecting any excommunications or the like.

[PaulaQ]

My wife, by a factor of 100 over anyone else. I believed the odds of her acceptance were very low. Coming out to her was the worst conversation I've ever had.

[sandie]

my only concern would be my to grown up boys as even though they have their own families and we are very close and i am unsure how they would take it. and my So loves grand kids.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Even though he knows I would not want my father to actually see me in girl mode (which he never has), I'm also an only son, heir to the family name. It's one thing for him to know I'm trans, it another to actually see it, being that I've always presented to him as the masculine son. He is getting up there in the years and has a lot of recent health problems, I don't want to add to those problems, and have his final years having a different image of me with other than what he's always known. Close 2nd for in-laws, being that my wife gets dragged into possibly choosing between her family or her husband which is not a situation I want to ever put her in.

[carolynn2fem]

Like other I'd say employer and coworker. here is a twist. one co worker has a kid that is trans and hearing his talk about it I know he isn't very excepting of it and I feel speechless don't know what to say on the matter

[Marcelle]

For me it was my wife (before I came out to here - she is fully supportive). After I came out to my wife it was my best friend who is more like a brother than a friend (he did sever all contact when I came out to him). I don't hide who I am from anyone however I don't walk around handing out "Hi my name is Isha and I am TG". I have come out to my entire family, good friends and several work colleagues as I don't want to deal with the hassle of people "finding out". Those who know keep their ear to the ground and if rumours get out, they let me know where the rumours came from. I then approach that person and ask them if they have any questions. Are more and more people finding out about Isha? Yes but for the most part it is a non-event both at work and in my personal life.

Hugs

Isha

[natcrys]

For me, the hardest part was telling my two best male friends and my siblings.. they have known me for so long that it felt really weird informing them about my feminine side. Still though, in the end.. they were all pretty cool about it which was a relief. Them knowing about Tassia has made my life so much easier without any significant changes.

Telling my female friends has always been easy.. and that has always worked out awesomely!

I can understand the hesitance in telling your father.. parents have expectations and usually kids are very aware of that.

[bimini1]

Employer/coworkers for sure. Most come off as quite phobic to this. Would lose all "professional respect". This is something I worry about constantly and is a source of stress. Wife knew before marriage. Sister and mom know even though they pretend it doesn't exist. If I did it over never would have told mother.

I broke down and told dad years ago and surprisingly he accepted it right off. Told me to hold my head up. I don't plan on telling daughter either but could probably deal with it if she found out.

[JazT95]

100% my mum. Mainly because I think it would be a real shock for her. At home, nothing about my personality even slightly hints to me being a CD and I'm not sure how she'd handle it. I'd also be to afraid to tell anyone else because I feel like I'd be losing my old life - if that makes any sense.

[Helena Gwyn]

Living in secret, I'm worried of telling anyone. I was raised as catholic and my parents are rather narrow when it comes to sexuality and corporeality (is this a word?). They have no problem with someone being gay (my nephew is), but being a CD or TG in some way would be a bridge to far.
Being a teacher in religion it would certainly impact my job. I can think of so many reaction from parents and other people out of wrongful interpretation of texts etc. . If I would teach something else, it wouldn't be such a problem I suppose.

[MsVal]

Beyond any doubt, my wife is the most important person in my life, the person I want most to protect, and the last person in the world I would consciously hurt. I disclosed my crossdressing to her because we don't keep secrets from each other. Telling her was quite difficult. It did not go well, and the guy that wants to protect her turned out to be the guy that hurt her.

As my folks are deceased and my only sibling is a thousand miles away, my kids and grandkids would be the next most difficult ones to tell. It would be a mixed bag of acceptance, but I don't think there would be any alienation.

I'm well into the final 20% of my expected lifetime. After giving to, and doing for others for so many years, I am beginning to believe it is now time for me. Were it not for the pain it would cause my wife, I'd accept whatever consequences came from a general disclosure.

Best wishes
MsVal

[reb.femme]

I wouldn't have told either of my parents, as they were very shallow in accepting anything outside of their norm. I have not and will not tell any of my siblings either, various reasons which I won't go into.

Was always afraid of telling my wife but told her 2 years ago and that went better than I could ever have hoped. Also out to my sons. From a corporate perspective, work would not be a problem as I work for a large utility company in UK and gender choice is not a reason for dismissal.

Rebecca

[ColleenA]

It took until my late 40s before I had a full understanding of why I dress. Before that, I was confused and in the dark about what it was all about. Since I couldn't really discuss it with myself, I was uncomfortable with the idea of discussing it with anyone else.

For the last ten years, from my early 40s, I've been coming to understand my dressing more deeply and coming to terms with it. Consequently, as my sons entered their 20s, I felt it was only fair to be upfront with them about it, treating them as adults. My conversation with each was fairly brief as I wanted to respect their reactions, including probably shock and "I don't want to know too much about this." And it doesn't surprise me that none of them have ever asked anything further about it. Which I'm ok with - I have no reason to throw it in their faces. But at least they know I have this side of me and don't have to be caught off guard if, say, I die unexpectedly while dressed.

[Cheryl T]

My wife for sure.
I told someone I was very close to years ago and it ended that relationship abruptly. I was so afraid she would turn her back and walk away.

[MetalGurl]

These are all very interesting and understanding answers. I posed the question, mainly to see how similar our mindsets were when it came to fears and also maybe it'd help others who may disclose themselves in the future.

The wife is not surprising at all, really. The juxtaposition of, as MsVal put it, being the man who wants to protect her, without being the man who ends up hurting her is tough. My SO has always known me as someone quite masculine with masculine interests, I'm not exactly sure how she'd take to such a complete one eighty. But hey, I always thought the idea of us shopping together without me having to feign being uncomfortable in the women's intimates (when I really want to browse as well) would be fun.

[lindsey89]

Definitely my brother. I came out to my family when I was a junior high school and although it was hard to tell any of them I was most worried about how it would affect my relationship with my brother. He and I were always really close growing up, hung out all the time and he was pretty much my best friend. When I told them all that I preferred to dress as a woman, he definitely took it the hardest. I didn't dress up in front of him for a really long time. I moved off to college and he was still in high school for 3 more years. My senior year of college he moved in with me, at that point I had progressed in my dressing. I had switched to panties 24/7 and was going out much more often so when he moved in I talked to him about it and we decided we would see how it went with me dressing in front of him. By the end of that year things were pretty good between us, things are definitely different now.

[Abbygirl]

yep, my father would be #1 fear too. He just wouldn't understand. #2 would be a couple of my homophobe coworkers; there's no way they would separate gender preference from gender identity.
In general I find I'm much more at ease with females finding out than males.

[UNDERDRESSER]

It took until my late 40s before I had a full understanding of why I dress. Before that, I was confused and in the dark about what it was all about. Since I couldn't really discuss it with myself, I was uncomfortable with the idea of discussing it with anyone else.

This.

It cuts both ways. It is hard to understand what this means to you, until you can discuss it with someone accepting, or at least tolerant. It is hard get the courage up to tell someone, until you have a least a partial grasp of where this comes from.

Not everyone is in this catch 22, but quite a few I think. How can you tell someone, and answer their questions, when you don't have answers yourself?

[Diane Edwards]

Back in the beginning (my early teens) I was concerned about anyone other than my cousin and best friend from finding out. These days it's my parents and the oldest of my three sisters that I worry about. (I think my mother would understand, but not my father. That's a topic for another thread.) The oldest sister and I have always butted heads and she is one of the least tolerant people I know, particularly when it comes to the LGBT community. My youngest sister agrees with me that she should be the last one I should ever tell because it will end up making our already strained relationship even worse. (It helps that she lives down South, over a thousand miles away, and rarely, if ever, comes to New England.)

[immike]

I would be terrified if my mother&sisters found out,considering I spent years secretly wearing mothers clothes,in secret.I would
wait for her to leave for work,then prowl her closet,trying on her dresses,skirts,slacks,tops,silk blouses&her shoes,especially her
heels&I would lift a fresh,unopened pkg of her pantyhose,put them on&proceed to dress in her good skirtsuits&business wardrobe&her good silk blouses&finish by stepping into a pair of her heels&sitting at her makeup table&doing my hair,using one of her wigs&using her makeup. One day I was completely dressed in one of her outfits&heels&my sister pulled into the driveway&
I freaked&hid in the basement until she left&proceeded to walk around the house,fully dressed in mothers clothes

[Samantha_Smile]

I was most worried about my fiance finding out.
But then she found out, now I don't really worry. I've even told people.
It's not that I'm open about it, but when you have people on your side you worry less about other people finding out because you know you have a safety net of a small support network who you know will stand by you if the shit hits the fan and your secret goes public.
Don't get me wrong, I've no desire to tell more people unless it is likely to impact their lives, if they needn't know, why tell?

[Janine cd]

My wife knows, but I'm sure that my daughter and granddaughter don't have a clue. I'm hoping that I will never have to reveal my true identity to them in this lifetime.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Way to late for my Mom 40' years to late, and a father who we escaped from 61 years ago. any way i never had a secret i did not know there was one, our family of 18, all know of my difference and ...every ,,, one else does as well ,

i never hid myself others knew i was different and were not at all surprised when they were told fact is i was accepted as normal when it comes down to it, of cause those who did not know me as a person most accepted with out issues, the reason i get on so well with them .

I accepted who i was / am and others i know have as well , its about attitude and how you relate with people and interact with them comes down to your personality how you present your self ( i dont mean how your seen = clothes, ).

Ill put it this way , when you talk to 100's of people at meetings youv been asked to and about your self in my case what's it like being different and living as a woman .= female.

you know your center stage, and how you then interact with those there while your talking to them, I dont write on paper any notes i do essays in my mind .

much easyer, so you have that confidence and bring it all together, then answer thier ?s

Of cause family is a lot different because your too emotionally involved and that is a lot harder.

I got through that though would rather have had some one else do that, yet i learned .
I was never a public speaker hated being in front of people let alone talk. you know what there came a time i knew i had to and do it i was prepared and that took some years, and with my Dyslixca made it very hard, yet when i was talking it flowed and it worked for myself,

so some times you need to take ownership of who you are to get through telling others yet in a way they understand,

...noeleena...

[Teresa]

My father died at 53, my mother would be accepting, my sister I'm not too concerned about, lives in her own World. My wife knows, my daughter knows through a silly accident when I was ironing some clothes and had to confess but she was OK about it. My sister in law and brother in law know because the first time my wife saw me dressed she rushed off and told them in a flood of tears. I've had some minor slip ups with my son so I don't know if he's put 2 & 2 together, he thinks enough of me but as dependable dad but he would be upset. My wife doesn't want any slip ups with the grandchildren but my main concern is close friends and work colleagues of the family finding out and making them suffer, I've worked out most of the answers so I'm prepared for it should it happen.

[anaissa]

For me it would be my 20 year old son. I would hate for him to develop some weird, preconceived notions about me. I will tell him in time, but at 20, he might still be a little bit too freaked out to deal with it well.

[Claire Cook]

My parents are deceased my wife and I are only kids. I do have several cousins whom I love dearly but they are very conservative. I've always wondered how they would react if I came out to them. (Although my cousin Suzy once noticed my clear nail polish and said "I love men who express their feminine side" .. maybe that door is open.



For me, the hardest part was telling my two best male friends and my siblings.. they have known me for so long that it felt really weird informing them about my feminine side. Still though, in the end.. they were all pretty cool about it which was a relief. Them knowing about Tassia has made my life so much easier without any significant changes.

Telling my female friends has always been easy.. and that has always worked out awesomely!



I totally agree with Natassia -- my female friends have been awesomely supportive!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi MG, My wife has known for over 50yrs. and there is no need to hang this around my grown daughters necks.

[Allison2006]

My wife is the only one who knows and the only one I want to know. Of all the people I wouldn't want finding out though, my kids,who are both grown and out of the house, would be the ones I most fear finding out.

[Melissa_59]

I was worried about my oldest daughter finding out. I told her myself (she was 29 when I told her), and she said "I'm ok with the fact, Dad, I just don't want to see it." I felt relief and a bit sad at the same time, but I can understand that - she has this image of me as one person and to actually see the other person (obviously I was not dressed when I told her this) would bother her. I can live with this, and I know that she feels it's neat that she can talk "shoes" with her Dad (and wow does she have cute shoes!). My oldest comes out and stays with me from time to time, I thought it best to find out rather than her saying "Dad, what's with the 4" heels in your closet?"

I haven't told my youngest daughter but I'm less concerned with her finding out, she lives about 2000 miles away and has never visited me out here in the middle of Nowhere, West Texas. It's not likely she ever will find out. As a side note, I wish we were closer but if wishes were fishes...

I'm still worried about my Mother finding out. She's not in the best health these days, and I honestly have no idea how she would react. I did drop some hints at one time quite a few years ago but either she missed the hints or she pointedly missed the hints, meaning she doesn't want to know. I live 1000 miles from her, and one of the reasons is that it stops any "I was in the area and just thought I'd drop by" type discoveries, not much chance of that happening. I guess you can say I'm hiding - the next paragraph explains more.

I'm concerned about my sister finding out, because she's a blabbermouth and right now she hates me with a fiery passion (I'm atheist, she professes to be Christian but apparently missed that whole section of the new testament where Jesus told people to love one another...). If she found out it would be front page news to everyone I know in an effort to "punish" me for my "sinful ways". He hates me the way Westboro hates gays, and other than me being atheist there is no other reason for this. I don't understand her, but if she found out? Yeah. Disaster.

I have someone who is very interested in me as a man and as a partner. I will tell her but right now we live very far apart, and I won't tell her over Skype or some other electronic media, I'd rather do that in person because you know there will be questions and I'd rather be the one to answer them in person so she can look me in the eye and see that I am sincere. While Skyping with her helps, it's not personal enough for something like this I feel. If she's accepting of my crossdressing then I can see our relationship moving forward... that would be wonderful. I'm not as worried about her finding out because this is early enough in the relationship for things to end if that is the way it has to go. When you tell someone late in a relationship (as a father, son, husband, etc) AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION - it's almost like you're holding the relationship in ransom. You're not doing it intentionally I know, but after 53 years of being their son you tell them "Hi Mom, I'm a crossdresser, like it or not and you have to decide if you still love me"... because I think that is what goes through THEIR heads. And that can be pretty darned traumatic I think.

I'll get off my ramble train now.

Mel