Cross dressing and Accepting Myself... Hel Please!

[Missfit]

Hello all,
I have been curious about cross dressing for some time, and have been doing it in private now for a little while (Started at age 24, I'm 30 now). However, I can't help but feel very confused and even conflicted about it. I have only had sex as a man w/ a woman, and I do enjoy it... But I also like to dress up, and I fantasize and even desire to become as fem as possible and experience sex as a sub fem dressed up.

As I said, I am very conflicted about all of this and I was hoping that y'all might be able to help me come to terms w/ all of this? Or at least point me in the right direction? Thank you in advance!

[KristyE]

Hi Misfit, Sounds like many of us. I'm not much for advice so here goes. Stay calm and take it slow. Read the threads here and enjoy yourself. Theres no rush. I'm bi, figured that out in my teens, I'm 57 now and have been married for 35 years. You'll get plenty of good advice from the gals here, as I have. You'll find your way.
Love KristyE

[Wildaboutheels]

Nice of you to post Miss. Looks you have been on the site for 6 years and this is your second post. I think that is part of your answer. Have you been lurking for all these years or just recently became Bi curious and returned to look for answers?

Your dressing is obviously O related? Pretty common. Easy to imagine you have seen the thread "how straight of a guy are you" or something like that? It possibly prompted you to post?

Like everyone here, you are unique. You like what YOU like. None of us Humans, male or female can control what pushes our buttons so it's just plain silly to feel guilty or ashamed or conflicted.

IMO, the right direction for you... is simply to keep putting one foot in front of the other and being careful. Learn from your mistakes.

[Zylia]

If I read your post correctly, your basic preference is heterosexual, meaning that under 'normal' circumstances you're sexually or romantically attracted to women or femininity. However, you're also a cross-dresser with very typical cross-dresser fantasies, i.e. being a woman in a sexual act with a man. I assume that's confusing for you, because that technically is a homosexual act (you're a man fantasising about sex with other men). However, it's very likely you're not actually sexually attracted to men, only sexually aroused by the thought of being a woman in a (hetero)sexual act. Do men without any involvement of cross-dressing arouse you? Probably not.

So if the thought of being a closet bisexual actually confuses you, rest assured that you're very likely strictly heterosexual, but with 'transvestic' fantasies.

[Marcelle]

Hi Miss,

It is not uncommon to be confused in this thing we do. Heck, you are a guy who wants to dress like a girl . . . who would not be confused. Confliction occurs because you are doing something that society says is wrong and it likely short circuiting your moral imperative (boys shall dress as boys and do boy things). Added to this mix is your sexual underpinnings. You identify as heterosexual in your sexual relations to date with fantasies about being a sub femme dressed in sexual encounter. What you did not state is if this fantasy involves sex as a woman with a woman or a man? To provide some insight I would need to know that information as I can't assume you want to engage in sex en femme with a man.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

You are no different to the rest of us, and rest assured you should feel no guilt or shame.
You need to feel some apprehension as you may wish to keep your activities private.
Dressing is something that is not generally accepted yet.
Try not to feel conflicted and threatened or even think about why.
They are answers that are reached only by assumption.

[Helena Gwyn]

I don't have a lot of experience yet, but I think part of the confusion comes from the stereotypes in our society. You're either male or female and society tells us what that means in behaviour, in clothing, in way of life. From what I feel, every human being is partly male and female, and with us, CD'ers, the female part is somewhat bigger than usual (and this is not wrong, it's not a curse, I consider it a gift).
At this moment, trying to understand myself and my own desires that suddenly rise out of nowhere, I think some desires are connected to who we are, others are connected to what society applies to the stereotypes. I have fantasies about sexual activities dressed as woman, but as I far as I can tell now, it's always with women. I don't desire men in that way, but get confused sometimes, or restless, because society says, being a woman, you should be with a man. Off course It's more complex than this.
I always try to ask myself, is this me, or is this society that's desiring this.

[kimdl93]

Don't conflate cross dressing with sexual preference. The two are separate things. Many CDrs have homoerotic fantasies that may embellish the sensual pleasure of dressing, but it's all a mind game. Given real life opportunity, they find they really aren't attracted to men. Others are bisexual, but they don't have to dress up to find men attractive. And some are gay and just happen to be CDrs too. Overall the sexual preferences of CDrs are much like the larger population.

[Katey888]

There are some good answers here before me - just to reassure you: what you fantasise and what you actually do are two separate things... All of us have our unique quirks - some have wondered what this might be like or fantasised more... I'd suggest (if you haven't already) reading some of the threads that touch on sexuality as there are many different perspectives...

I think Zylia's view is a good starting point: if you're not actually fantasising about boy-boy relationships, you're probably just hetero and having some natural curiosity that is related to your TG nature... take your time and don't go leaping to conclusions.. :hugs:

Katey x

[Caden Lane]

Another good starting point is to seek out a good gender therapist. Doing so does not mean you wish to transition. It just means you need and want help sorting out these additional wants, needs and desires you have. Seeing a therapist is a great start towards getting self acceptance.

[Jenniferathome]

Missfit, homosexuality and bisexuality are unrelated to cross dressing. You think you're straight, but possibly bi and you think cross dressing is causing this. It isn't. If you can accept that you are a cross dresser it should be easier to accept that you are bi or gay. These days, no one cares. Just know that cross dressing does not make you bi or gay.

To me acceptance is pragmatism. Things are. Let the world come to you.

[Alice Joyce]

Hello Miss, Hope you don`t mind me calling you Miss as I do Not believe you are a "Missfit" I have been A Cross Dresser for many years now. Sure it has been a sad/confused journey at times, But the up side is that I love being Alice and am the happiest when I am Alice. I have only ever had sex with woman, have no desire to do this with men. I do find at times I fantasize about being a submissive girl and be sexual with a Lady who has completed or started to transition. This does excite me a lot. I don`t believe there is anything wrong with me.......this is simply the way I am and I really do like this side of me more than the male side. I find not being able to just be Alice whenever and where ever I want really quite sad, at times have trouble dealing with this. So Miss, I hope my ranting has been of some use for you and wish you all the very best. Cross Dressers.com is such a lovely place to spend time. Warm Thoughts, Alice

[Missfit]

Wow, thank you everyone for your comments! The support helps. =) Actually, I have been in the military and moving around and as such I lost touch w/ this site until recently...That explains my posting gap^^; "O Related"? Not sure what that means... >_>; I have been dressing on and off this whole time, but I do feel conflicted for sure. I agree on principal about it being silly to feel guilty about our feelings and such, but that doesn't wish such guilt and conflict away. =/ Not sure how to work on accepting myself? I guess that is the ultimate thing I am trying to figure out here... As for the fantasies, I have many

[AmyGaleRT]

Missfit, I started out a lot like you, mostly a fetish dresser who liked the way I felt in silky nightgowns, but then I discovered I felt happy in a dress. Now I know exactly who and what I am, a well-adjusted bigendered individual, and I don't hesitate to go out as a woman if and whenever I feel so inclined.

Let me start with assuring you of one thing: There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything you are doing! You are far from the first born male to wear clothing for females, and you won't be the last. It's more common than you may think. Fantasizing about being a woman and having a man make love to you is also not uncommon; I do so myself on occasion, trying to imagine what it must be like. (Being in love with the image of yourself as a woman even has its own name: "autogynephilia.")

Your interests may tend towards the "fetish" end of the spectrum right now. (Which is kind of what Wild meant by "O related.") That's okay. You may go beyond that, the way I did, or you may not. If you have a safe environment to do so, don't hesitate to explore your feelings, see where it takes you. Experiment with different types of clothing; does dressing one way or another make you feel differently? As mentioned earlier, you might even try a "toy" on yourself, see what it feels like to be penetrated. (Just go slow and use lots of lube, or else you'll be buying fur coats for proctologists' wives. :D ) If you feel so inclined, get all the pieces you'll need to develop a full femme presentation, learn makeup, and fashion yourself into the woman you envision yourself as. Seek out local support groups, similar to the one I'm an organizer for, and talk to others face to face about this. (Generally, you don't have to dress to go to a support group, though you can if you want.) Definitely, keep learning, keep exploring, and keep growing.

You'll do just fine, sister. :hugs:

- Amy

[Adriana Moretti]

most everything has been touched here I will just add that all those feelings & thoughts are normal...you are not a weirdo for feeling and thinking about those things...its natural...could use a little less on the graphic sexual fantasys though...that will probably dissapear in 5...4....3....2......

[Wildaboutheels]

You might get a chuckle...

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?205712-Q-for-the-MisFits/page2

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Missfit, First you have to figure where you fit in the gay by spectrum

[ClosetED]

I found this large study of British males who filled out an anonymous survey about crossdressing to be very informative.
http://www.vernoncoleman.com/downloads/mid.htm

[Dana3]

I've wrestled with this all of my life. Denying it is just as damaging to your overall mental, emotional and psychological well being ad the possible consequences of being open and 'pit's? Sure EVERYBODY else will be happy! But won't! For you will have lived the greatest lie a person could possibly tell. Lying to oneself!