Us accepting each other?

[cdkateinboston]

So I may be horribly mistaken here with my experience, but I've been a member of the site for quite some time. I enjoy contributing to discussions (although life interferes with my ability to interact at times). But one thing is sticking with me a bit so I wanted to ask. For a huge group of like minded girls who for sure share at least one interest with me, what's the disconnect with making friends? (Truth be told I'm on here sporadically me so the answer could totally be that), but I ask, are we afraid of becoming aquainted with one another? Just curious :)

[Sarah Welch]

That is a very good (and timely in my case) question. I think it has to do with spending the majority of ones life in hiding...hiding what we feel, hiding what we truly are from the rest of the world out of a sense of self preservation. This may not be true for all, but for me this is the one common core item I keep coming back to. The very act of hiding who I really am from the rest of the world, made me a selfish and vain person. I am not very proud of that but it is what it is, I am trying hard to change it.

[Wildaboutheels]

You have 94 friends but only 45 posts. Is it likely YOU are doing all or most of the requesting? If not, that seems like a good ratio to me. People here can be funny about things. Most people here - at least the Forum "regulars" - are 50ish. Perhaps your [relatively] young age scares them from making a friend request?

[cdkateinboston]

Wild I'm not sure I know how to respond to your post because yes in a way you are right. But I started trying to discuss crossdressing online when I was 13 and (for obvious reasons of the time of AOL chat) was rebuked. So it hurts to be experiencing this at just about 30. Why am I different then the 35,40, or even 50 year old who has probably gone through the same as I have in terms of realizing what dressing means to my life. I'd like that to stop, I am a male who loves to dress and be a female, I'd like anyone of any age to like that, cuz regardless of age we are so in this together (why I like this site for example :)

[Jean. Ann]

I can only speak. for myself, but I. think we can not have too
many friends especially CD or GG .
I would. Love to be your Friend !

Jean. Ann

[Jenelle]

My thoughts on this are not just for this site but any venue, online or real world.

Just because I have a common interest with someone does not mean I want them as a friend. A friend for me is way more than just a shared interest. Dressing (like hiking, brewing, playing guitar or video games) is such a small aspect of my over all character. I find that my friends all share one thing in common and that is our outlook on life. We all have many varied interests some of which intersect but that is not what brings us together.

[Kate Simmons]

I've noticed this since the beginning. Get used to it Hon. It seems to be the nature of the "beast" for CDers to wax and wane, especially when it comes to interacting and friendships. Best not to take it personally in any case.:)

[Katey888]

Kate - there are some good points made already here that I'd reinforce...

Sarah's point about being in hiding... I'd love to actually meet some other gals (prior to real world friendship) but I'm still closeted so that's tough to do...
Wild's point about age is relevant - that hasn't stopped me speaking quite openly with some here when I am old enough to be their parent.. like you, in fact, you young lassie you... :)

I have been genuinely surprised by the similarity of feelings and thoughts that other girls have had here, compared with my own, and the feelings of empathy and acceptance have been reciprocated... fine as 'Forum Friends', but some of those girls are in Australia, South Africa, East and West coast US, Southern USA, the mid-west and the vast, untapped wilderness of Canada... and here am I, in Olde Hampshire - with a few friends here in the UK too - my point being, the geographical distribution can be a very real hurdle too...

I'm pretty confident that we're a quite accepting bunch of gals on the whole - there'll always be differences of opinion but I feel that those are largely good natured enough for friends and acquaintances to share opinions openly and honestly...

There may be some relevance in how much you have posted here - it's a simple fact that the more you do that and reveal what drives you as a person, the more people will relate to you particularly those who have similar views. So get more posts in... :D

Katey x

[Teresa]

I've only been a member here for a few months but I've made some great friends and some of my PMs have been non cd related but still been good fun as Katey said it's the only way many of us can meet up when we're scattered across the Globe. I wouldn't worry about the age difference just draw on our experience, maybe you won't make the same mistakes. I couldn't have joined a forum at your age anyway, despite being a CDer from 9 years I wouldn't have had the time with family, business and house renovation. I just worked 24/7 until my kidneys started to fail through stress.

[Rachel292]

It partly depends on your definition of 'friends' . Are you talking about physically meeting up with others from this site and interacting socially as 'friends' or just people who have linked to you as 'friends' on this site. I've only asked a couple of others to be my 'friends' after we have exchanged pm's and been discussing something of mutual interest.
Otherwise I try and be truthful with everything I say on this site, and as we all generally have the 'one' thing in common, I effectivly consider most on this site as 'friends' in a loose meaning of the word. Therefore in most cases do I feel the need to add someone as a 'friend' , probably not. As Katie said, the more you reveal about yourself the more other relate to you and may want to be your 'friend'.
It is true that geography plays a significant part if you want to physically meet up, but i'm happy to discuss most things within reason and within the bounds of how far out of the closet i am. When in the closet it is very difficult to open up.
I'm not far away, just accross the pond and a short drive.
As far as openly dressing is concerned and admitting to myself where I am, that is only comparitively recent, so age is and yet is also not relevant, I have things in common with 'girls' of my own age group, and 'others' with those like me, starting out on our journey.
Don't get hung-up on the 'friends requests' issue, I've not got that many 'friends', but it doesn't put me off.

[Adriana Moretti]

yeah Kate you answered your own question....you have to log on to " sit with us" at the lunch table...lots of us are friends on & off the forum...but we are all chatty Kathy's and built those relationships over time ...some of the gals I met from here I am looking forward to hanging out with next week ! Others I wish I could get on a plane to go see........maybe one day.....a girl can dream.........and I want to make a trip to the west coast soooo bad !

[Chari]

We all have our own points of view and comfort zones. We also have our privacy concerns, and who we let cross into our space. IMO it is very difficult to get to really know anyone through any internet forums. Perhaps these are some of the reasons we are classified as "individuals", and do not get too friendly. Enjoy.

[MssHyde]

I'm not afraid of connecting and making friends. I love to have a close friend.. the problem is I would need a don't call me I'll call you arrangement.. or email connection.. as my wife would go through the roof.. she would pack her bags.. or push me to pack mine.. it would be like carrying a gun into a school or joking with airport security Zero tolerance.

I'd love to have an excepting spouse...BTW, nice aviator, if thats you very very nice.

[Zylia]

I think cross-dressing isn't an interest as much as it is a condition, at least how it's discussed on this board, actually resulting in a wide range of members with different interests in cross-dressing, e.g. strictly 'erotic', female emulation/impersonation, using the forum as a chatbox or having existentialistic discussions about it, etc. etc. I actually don't feel that big of a connection with a lot of members, but that's doesn't mean I don't respect them or accept their lifestyles. I do believe there's a lot of mutual respect among members.

[Jenniferathome]

Who says we are not? I have met a few people from this very site. Still, cross dressing is only one common characteristic we know we share. Like anyone you meet, you develop friendships based on a whole slew of things from politics to sports to movies, kids, basic life experiences.

[Hell on Heels]

I feel weird replying to you on this Kate as you already are a "friend" on the forum. I also am thinking there is a bit of a privacy or trust issue in this virtual world.
It takes more time to get a feel for some peoples true personality online than in real life. I'm the quite shy type in real life, here it seems somewhat the opposite.
Some of us may be the reverse of that, and keep there interactions with others to a minimum. Friendship is a two way street, and some people will only return as much as they receive.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[natcrys]

It is true.. the world of crossdressers is a secretive one.. and it is usually very hard to find people


a) who are willing to be socially active outside the relatively safety of the Internet → does one go out in public, geographic constraints for meeting up

b) with whom there are more shared interests than crossdressing → talking about clothes, make-up, heels and the problems of the CD world should not be the only topics

c) with whom you can have a good time → personalities, mentalities and views shouldn't clash too much
Having said that, I started being socially active on Flickr since 2007.. and I have met a number of Dutch/Belgian CD/TG/TS's. Usually only after quite a few email/chat exchanges where it was clear that there was enough social chemistry to actually meet in person. And through those meetings, I became good friends with a handful of them. :)

I've also met a few while traveling abroad.. and while one meet-up is not enough for a deep friendship.. I do consider them friends.

And with most people, the contact is only through forums, Facebook and Flickr. I wish I could meet them, but a lot of you all live so far away! :p

In all of those cases.. a), b) and c) do apply.. to be actual friends is more than just one shared interest.

[sherri]

I'm kinda shy and passive about personal outreach, and loathe to assume the other person is interested. I know, I should work on that. I do welcome friendships openheartedly, and it's easy for me to care a great deal for someone who strikes a chord, even if I don't see them much, even it it's just an online friendship. But I'm also the sort of person who doesn't like having to live in my head, so I place a premium on face time. It's just so much more vibrant and satisfying in person. Sadly, lots of things seem to get in the way of that -- geography, life, the closet, even shallowness and neurosis -- in the CD world. In all my years of CDing, I've met quite a few gurls and gone out with several, but I've only had one true and steadfast CD + CD friendship that lasted. Unfortunately, she passed away three years ago. I feel the loss every time I suit up.

[Beverley Sims]

We are still in the closet and wish to keep our anonymity.
This varies as you have to consider how many of your close friends and relatives already know.
Those that are well "out" have less of a perceived problem.
Some have formed very good relationships here and consider this a second home whist others just visit.

[wanda66]

Accepting each ....Iam here to discuss a compulsion that I have. Here I find like minded people who face the same issues that I do. If I could sit dowm with my Dad or Mom and talk about how I like to wear panties and bra , I sure wouldn't be online.. so.in that reguard we accept each other . Its difficult to forge frendships while is a closet....

[ophelia]

The Beatles said it so right "and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love ...you make"
I feel weird replying to you on this Kate as you already are a "friend" on the forum. I also am thinking there is a bit of a privacy or trust issue in this virtual world.
It takes more time to get a feel for some peoples true personality online than in real life. I'm the quite shy type in real life, here it seems somewhat the opposite.
Some of us may be the reverse of that, and keep there interactions with others to a minimum. Friendship is a two way street, and some people will only return as much as they receive.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[ClosetED]

I think we make friendships here, but not deep friendships. We are mostly hidden and fear exposure. Meeting in person has great risks and even sharing too many details can be risky. But i haven't heard of a blackmailer coming here to get dirt on anyone, so any long time member is safe. Hard to get together in person as SO may question things.

[Denise69]

I am one of the ones you speak of. I am closeted, and highly suspicious of the online world. For me, I need to establish
other lines of interest in addition to cd. One thing in common only makes us aquaintences. Friendship requires
something deeper. Anyone willing to put forth the effort trying to find that extra common ground is also worth investing back into.
On that note, I have few trusted friends in the real world, but the ones I have I would go to hell and back for.

[Allison Chaynes]

JenelleCD hit it on the head for me. I'd also add that of the two times I met other CD's in person, I felt nothing in common with them outside of CDing. My sister in law is dating a MTF transwoman and I felt no common thread with her whatsoever after we met. I fully expected to, but I didn't.

[Anna H]

I Love CD's! They're like me! ♥

Probably the only thing we have in common, but I do feel
a special connection with "us".

Haven't met a single one personally....but all in time.

:)

[ArleneRaquel]

I have met a number of girls and a few are close friends. We have a common love, but to me its like everything else, there are some people that you like more than others. There being CD has very little to do with my big likes and those that I like, but perhaps less.

[cdkateinboston]

The responses were varied but great. A large part of why I love this forum. Thank you to those who have replied, I realize I am just one voice and one opinion among many. But I'd like to be more involved with all your voices, to learn more and know my community :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Kate,

I think the forum is a great place to meet like minded people and begin the move toward friendship "on line" and perhaps someday "in person". As others have said geography plays a huge role. I have become good friends with a few gals on this site and we PM often outside of the posts and would love to meet them in person someday if the stars align. However, given the distance, not likely soon. There are some gals right in my own neck of the woods who I would like to be friends with but we have not reached out in that similar way and until we do, an in person meeting is not in the immediate future. Seems odd since we are in the same location but, then again I do live 60 kilometres from Ottawa and just getting dressed after work and going back to the city for a meet would make it a very late night and weekends belong to my wife.

CDing is only one thing we share in common there has to be more for a true friendship to blossom. It would be very awkward to go out with a group of gals and have nothing in common to talk about. I have experienced this with a local TG Support/Social Group. I went out and figured "birds of feather" and now I will make friends. Unfortunately, the table talk was in the realm of things I do not find interesting or share a common understanding. It is no fault of the ladies at the table or me, just is what it is . . . CDing does not make you immediate friends anymore than I am friends with every person at work. We share a common job but not everyone shares my interests or theirs.

Hugs

Isha

[Cheryl T]

Personally I would love to make lots of "in person" friends here. Friends to visit, friends to go out with dining, movies and the like. The reality is that my life is very busy with my job and my side business and I just don't have that much time to devote to those friends. It's just not in the cards for me at this time to pursue this part of my life to that degree and take away from other things that demand my attention. Perhaps in a few years when I finally retire I'll be able to make those friends and share more of myself with them.
For now, I am happy to count many as friends here with the hope of more personal contact in the future.

[JamieG]

As others have mentioned, it's unclear if you mean "friends" in a forum designation sense, or as in the old school definition: "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection." Honestly, I think the crossdressers.com "friend" designation is sort of meaningless. After all, this isn't Facebook where you only see posts from your friends. Although I don't insist on knowing my "friends" here in person, I do require that our bond goes beyond simply being users of the same forum. If someone sends me a friend request and I've never had contact with them before (e.g., via a PM or a visitor message) I tend to ignore it. I'm looking for friends who have similar outlook on life and who have other similar interests to me. I don't need validation in terms of "friend counts."

I have a number of CD friends in real life, some of whom I've met through this forum and others who I've met through support groups, conferences, etc. My wife and I just had dinner with three such friends and their SOs last night. We regularly get together in drab and have a great time. I have other good friends that I only see en femme, but when we see each other the conversation flows easily and there are plenty of laughs. To me, this is what being friends is all about.

That said, I am open to being friendly with any CD I met. We do share a special and unusual bond, and although there are a few rotten apples, fellow CDers tend to be some of the sweetest, kindest and most interesting people I have ever met.

[samantha rogers]

Agreed...Life is tough enough...can't ever have enough friends. Ignor the bad, dwelling on negatives just gives away your power, and solves nothing. Focus on the positives. :-)
Hugs

[Lynn Marie]

I've met 3 or 4 girls from this forum. The first one got me out of the house and introduced me to her friends most of whom weren't very active here. My CD social life took off from there. I've attempted to extend the same courtesy to others here who live locally. Not one has become an active friend and most just ignore my PMs. I hate to be ignored! I don't bother any more. I tell the truth here about getting out with my CD girlfriends and my Flickr link verifies this. I just have to assume that the vast majority of people here are deeply hidden and happy to remain that way. It's pretty hard to make friends in dark closets that are kept locked all the time!

[Megan Thomas]

My sister in law is dating a MTF transwoman and I felt no common thread with her whatsoever after we met. I fully expected to, but I didn't.

I personally would put that down to difference between a TS and a crossdresser. We get different things from a commonality. I often feel disparity with the "crossdresser" element on sites such as this one, but I adopt a live and let live attitude. It just means I fail to understand some aspects of other people's dressing motivations etc. Then again, I expect they fail to understand much of my own motivations too.

[mykell]

kate,
some confusion as to weather you want real life connections or this virtual home we all share,

as with anything you get out of it what you put in, time, effort, ect.
then their are all the other societal events that affect relationships, wealth, popularity, politics, freedom, family, location, availability.

so having limited wealth i enjoy meeting those whose geographical location would be impossible to associate with them otherwise,
i enjoy meeting the younger folks who are able to invest in this resource with things i had not the opportunity to do,
meeting the elder members who had the fortitude to invest and make this resource possible,
so if someone requests friend status based on nothing more than my avatar or a visitor message, or a series of PMs i cordially and respectfully accept them, they are virtual and some of course will have more meaning than others respectively.

as far as meeting in a personal venue as of yet that has not been a reality for myself, it is something i do wish to pursue and many variables will come into play their also, virtually i have met many from my home state and would cherish the opportunity to meet man to man or women to women, and hope my wife would invest in this as well.

during the holidays next year i do hope to participate in some of the social events i was unable to take advantage of this year, if money were no object taking a trip to Vegas, the west coast, Europe, ect. to meet some that i come close with here would be awesome, but their could always be that awkward moment that we really dont have that much in common, or the cold truth that when i tell my wife that im going to go hang with the bunch of guys i met that wear dresses too she may not be all that comfortable with the whole idea. i sleep next to her and would probably respect her wishes,

so your position of friendship is relative, what do you really want out of it....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kate, the best thing about this forum is that you can remain anonymous .

[Allison Chaynes]

I personally would put that down to difference between a TS and a crossdresser. We get different things from a commonality. I often feel disparity with the "crossdresser" element on sites such as this one, but I adopt a live and let live attitude. It just means I fail to understand some aspects of other people's dressing motivations etc. Then again, I expect they fail to understand much of my own motivations too.

It had a lot more to do with her personality and worldview than anything. Since the wife and her sister were there, it seemed awkward to even bring it up. But you bring up some valid points. Thanks for the comment, Megan!

[sanderlay]

I think some of us are more social than others. And because some of us are not public with what we do we tend to be more private and reserved for fear our secret be revealed.

Even though I am public with what I do when I go outside I'm not very public on the web. I tend to keep my shields up to some degree. And in public I'm the same.

I also keep a very tight circle of close friends that I believe have my best interests at heart. Next group are friends I have met in person and have shared some time together. On the web I think of friends as acquaintances. I only know them through what they write. That does help get to know a small piece of that person, but I prefer a real life meeting.

And finally how much time do I have to commit to that person? Generally what you put in is what you get out, but not always. There is only so much time I can commit to my friendships, only so much of me to go around. :D

[MsVal]

"Friends", in the crossdressers.com context doesn't mean much to me. Inclusion on a list of friends, or exclusion from a list does not seem to change anything of substance. Unlike Facebook, it has no secondary effects. It has no effect on security, selection, notification, or anything else that I have found. It appears to be just a list of names.

The few that are included in my friends list are there because at one time or another I felt it was an honor or a sign of respect, or I was in a good mood and just felt like adding them. I admire, respect, and enjoy the writings of many more than than just the few that are on my list. However, if you wish to post a few flattering things about me, quote me, or say something interesting in a PM, and later send a "Friends" request I will likely add you to my list.

I had my very first Face-to-Face meeting early yesterday afternoon. Samantha Rogers and I met for lunch, in drab, at a nice family restaurant. She is even nicer in person than online. We chatted for over an hour and I learned quite a bit. Thanks Sammie.

Best wishes
MsVal

[sometimes_miss]

I accept myself and others here, yet it's only in the virtual world where I feel comfortable talking to men about this. Throughout my life, I have been lied to, cheated, beaten, and manipulated by males. I have no male friends that I completely trust at all. Men are extremely competitive; even about little things. There's always a pecking order of some sort that everyone involved knows where we exist on it; who's smartest, who's toughest, who's richest, etc.. I'm not saying that women don't have a similar pecking order, they do. But it's perhaps that I'm not competing with women that makes it so much easier to trust them as long as I'm not in a romantic relationship with them.

[mechamoose]

There's safety in numbers
When you learn to divide
How can we be in
If there is no outside
All shades of opinion
Feed an open mind
But your values are twisted
Let us help you unwind


Peter Gabriel - Not One of Us

How CAN we be *in* if there IS no outside???

[Sometimes Steffi]

I agree with Jamie.

There was a time when I had met about half of my friends FtF. I also was particularly fussy about who I friended. I wanted a friend to someone who I knew to some degree. When I got a friend request out of the blue, I often sent a PM to that person asking them why they wanted to friend me. I'm a lot more open about that now because I still hope that I might be able to meet CD friends from this forum FtF.

There's a picture on the forum with myself and 4 other compatriots from CD.com who just happened to get together at a meetup.