So, how do we push it along?

[CarlaWestin]

A quote from a recent post got me to thinking. Do we just nudge it along with a disapproving wife, hoping to make it the norm someday? I thought my wife would get used to seeing me in various forms of comfortable, at home, leisure dressing. But, her line in the sand is still uncrossable and unmovable. DADT and she don't want to see it.

Your thoughts, please.


Hi lynnef, sounds like an evening around our kitchen table. We've come a long way since I introduced Marsha to my wife over 25 years ago. For me it was realising that she means everything to me. If I had to choose one over the other, it's good-bye Marsha. There's a whole lot more I would like to explore on my femme side, including transitioning. But with all the latitude I have I still get into hot water because I push the limits of what she will accept. Sometimes the line gets nudged back a bit, sometimes there's fierce recoil. My big picture is losing Marsha would be disappointing. Losing her would be a crushing experience I wouldn't want. I'm grateful for the acceptance, and even encouragement, she shows. Bon chances! -Marsha

[Beverley Sims]

Carla,
I have no solution for you, just try the odd bit of clothing that is tasteful and yes nudge it a little and see what works.
If it doesn't then retreat.

Some have wives that are really steadfast in their thinking.

[Chari]

Carla, It is difficult to say where each of us has that line drawn, but maybe just a subtle "nudge" now & then would pass the test. Go slow, but cautiously on any attempts. Enjoy.

[Stephanie47]

In order to "push it," i.e., cross dressing along, one has to figure out why a woman has the belief cross dressing is so abhorrent. Is it religious grounds? Is it societal norms and expectations? Is it sexual orientation? Is it bait and switch?

I've seen posts on this forum of many long term relationships blowing up with the revelation the guy likes to wear women's clothing. There are many posts where there was some acceptance in the beginning and things just fall apart.

I guess you have to ask the GG's why cross dressing is so abhorrent. I don't "nudge" it along because my wife strongly objects to my cross dressing. She is not blatantly anti cross dressing or anti gay and lesbian. She just did not sign onto a marriage that included such behavior. I know one of the reasons cross dressing makes her uncomfortable, but, I'm not going to discuss that here.

I don't "nudge" it along because of my love for her and being respectful of her opinion. I would not be of the same opinion if my cross dressing tendencies or behavior had been expressed prior to marriage. I really do not buy into the notion I see on this forum that may be expressed by the phrase "If you really love me, you'll let me do it!" I really sympathize with the women who have husband's that force cross dressing onto the women, whether they like it or not.

If cross dressing becomes such a compulsive behavior that you cannot respect your wife's point of view, then you need to adhere to a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage, IF the wife is on board with it.

Ever try to push a wet noodle across the table?

[Wildaboutheels]

You have been reading some of the Forum Myths too long. Being in Love does not mean our partners must accept/compromise on everything. OR that in time they will/must bend further.

And just because so many here DO PUSH, does not make it OK. Reading carefully enough reveals many who PUSHED themselves right out of their Relationships.

[CarlaWestin]

Oh yeah, WAH. I know that you can push a wall all day long hoping it will move. Believe me, my relationship with my wife is way more important than my relationship with Carla.

[Nadine Spirit]

I am a strong believer in communication. That is the only area I "push" my wife. I push for clear, open, honest communication about any subject at any time. I personally don't recommend pushing anything into our spouses faces, by say, subtly cross dressing more and hoping they will change their opinions.

I think that what happens is that lines are drawn and wives look at it as, "I hope you don't even get close to that," and husbands think, "okay that line is my starting point." Problems are inevitable in that scenerio.

I think in general (please read as a total generalization that can't possibly encompass everyone) wives see risk and tend to shy away from it, whereas husbands see risks as challenges to overcome.

These things can be overcome, but only through clear, open, honest communication.

[Jenniferathome]

... Do we just nudge it along with a disapproving wife, hoping to make it the norm someday? I thought my wife would get used to seeing me in various forms of comfortable, at home, leisure dressing. But, her line in the sand is still uncrossable and unmovable. DADT and she don't want to see it. ...

Carla, the quote you referenced includes a comment about TRANSITION! That is not cross dressing and I think is outside the scope of your question. Now, to your question, it appears as though you want the visual to be normal but the the issue is the concept first. Talking about cross dressing has to come way before seeing the cross dressing. If she can't get her head around the concept, the visual will always be harder. When you are both comfortable TALKING about what cross dressing is and is not, then there may be a chance. There is no nudging until the concept is digested.

[CarlaWestin]

Well, the concept has been out there for many years now. It just seems to have stopped in DADT which is acceptable. There's no desire to transition but my CD does truly round out my existance. I guess I just want her to be part of this part of my world but, it's not a deal breaker. I just love her dearly and that will never change.

[Rachael Leigh]

I know in my case I have pushed hard many times and it's never ended good so I'm now comfortable of just stop pushing, I realize I must respect her feelings on this and try and understand her side. She really considers Leigh like another women in my life and I don't get that but I guess it makes sense.
If I could I would just stop this and there are days I think I can.
We are very complicated folks that's for sure.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Carla, my H feels the same - he wants to share this with me, too. I can't do it. It's caused too much damage already with just the small things I've experienced. I can't speak for your wife, but if she feels anything like me, there's probably no changing this. I can do DADT, but any more and I'll have to rethink the relationship. (Been doing that anyway, so experiencing more CD is definitely NOT going to help)

And why is CDing so abhorrent to me? The only example I can think of is why are some people gay and others not? That's how I see this. My H has a sexuality/identity that is mismatched to mine. It's not as strong as being married to a gay husband, but in my mind, not far off!! He identifies as female when he wants to feel attractive etc. So do many of you here, from what I've read. Yet I'm attracted only to men presenting as men. His femme side is akin to being placed in an unwanted lesbian relationship. Regardless of the plumbing, I know what my H is thinking (that he's a woman) and it sends me into shutdown mode. (And no, I don't need any more friends or sisters in my life - I need a husband!)

Apparently, Brad Pitt couldn't kiss Angelina when she dressed as a man in one of her movies. He was too weirded out. He only experienced that ONCE and he was confused and upset. Imagine being the wife of a crossdresser and living with it all the time? Sometimes the only way to survive is DADT, and if you ask me, any wife actually doing that who feels as mismatched with their husband's sexuality/identity as I do, loves her husband very much as believe me, not living with this would be MUCH easier.

I hope you work things out :)

[Jacqueline Winona]

Leigh, no matter how hard you try, you can't make her like this, and you're at the tolerance phase. You've done your best, and respecting her opinion is the honorable thing here.

[Gardener]

You describe my position so well. Basically I have to decide whether I am going to upset my wife or deny part of myself. For many years, feelings associated with the fear of the consequences of being found out, maybe also some guilt and shame held me back and dressing was largely suppressed although still thought about. Something changed in me as I aged and I realised that it was important to be truer to myself. My wife was told and predictably was very unhappy. However the raw disapproval passed in time. I wish that I could dress more but I am not inhibited now as I was when I was younger. For me it has been about finding a compromise position. Not always an easy or speedy thing to do. However I am clear now that while I do not want to upset my wife, I do not want to upset myself either.

[Christen]

No nudging here. I'm ecstatic when we just just talk a little about it. I don't ever expect my wife to be all accepting. But I'd sure be happy if we get to the point where she's comfortable enough to say 'It's Ok, if you want to dress up that's fine.' I don't even know that I'd be comfortable showing myself dressed. But we seem to be slowly progressing to some more discussion, so I'm pretty happy.

[Krisi]

I think you can "push it along" but you have to be subtle about it. You also have to let your wife know how much you love her and that crossdressing does not mean you are gay or want to become a woman.

If you think you know why you want to dress as a woman you might share that with her. Something like "My mother really wanted a daughter, not a son and she used to dress me as a girl when I was young."

Keeping things lighthearted and joking about it seems to help. My wife bought a T shirt ftom the men's department the other day so when she tried it on I made the comment that since it was a men's T shirt, she was a crossdresser too.

Each relationship is different and you have to figure out what works in yours.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Carla, That sounds like my story.