I don't understand

[Candice Mae]

Lately I've seen a lot of threads about almost getting caught or I think some one knows ect. (This is more directed at the closeted CDs) For the most part the situation that caused them to get caught is preventable, but yet they still put them selves in that position. Do you all want to get caught? Then why fuss and worry over it and try to hide who you are? Is it the fear and rush of getting caught that you want?

I know mistakes happen, but under dressing, wanting to grow breasts, or dressing near a window that is publicly visible. Are all situations that will lead to you getting discovered. It just does not make sense to me to be scared to jump off of a cliff, yet you will stand on the edge and lean over...

Or is this just another fantasy vs reality, where I only see the reality.

[Katey888]

Candice, you make an interesting point - one that touches on thoughts I've been having recently regarding how many enjoy doing this specifically because it is a super-secret known to no-one...

I agree that there are clearly a regular spate of close-calls and finally inadvertent outings - but there are also a fair number of completely secretive, closeted locked-down CDers (like me) who might have come a little close once or twice but are still undiscovered (except for the thousands who know me on here.. :facepalm:).

I do think either consciously or sub-consciously the pressure for some folk is too much to bear, and the girl will out! Perhaps us securely closeted ones are just made of sterner stuff...? :devil:

(That should get the tambourines rattling...)

Great question!

Katey x

[Danielle Gee]

Candice: I've noticed that too, it's almost like they want to get caught!

Danielle

[Zylia]

Perhaps it's some kind of thrill-seeking, only instead of jumping off a bridge with a large elastic cord strapped to their legs, they visit the hospital while wearing ladies' underwear. But yes, it's bordering on self-sabotage.

Edit: and yes, what Katey said.

[Nyla F]

Candice,

I can see 2 possibilities (but I'm sure there are more). They both are trying to get as close to the edge without getting caught.
1) A person who doesn't want to be outed, but takes chances because of the need to be their true self.
2) A thrill seeker who pushes the boundaries of what is safe for the adrenaline rush. After a while they would have to take more chances in order to get the same thrill.

[Marcelle]

Why do people do what they do when it doesn't seem logical? It does not always mean they are purposely trying to get caught.

I knew a guy who was married and he cheated on his wife all the time and shamelessly flirted with other women when his wife was in the same room. I told him that he is going to get caught and he truly believed he wouldn't. When his wife got around to rightly throwing his butt to the curb he was dumbfounded and could not believe she knew. Some people do what they do for the thrill and deal with the consequences as they come. Others may purposely do it to get caught and still some may not apply logic to what they are doing.

Hugs

Isha

[Wildaboutheels]

The answer looks both obvious and simple. Most here, closeted or not, feel guilt and/or shame. Some have put it behind them. Others never will. Being ignored, accepted, "passed" [or even complimented perhaps] means THEY are not crazy about what they see in their own mirror. Our brains [M&F] do this "justification thing" many times a day to protect us from ourselves.

And the truth is mirrors don't lie, but the male brain is programmed to react to [EVEN] simple body parts after tens of thousands of years of Evolution.

Males cannot help or stop this any more than most females are programmed to seek "successful" men.

No CDer of any flavor or variety will ever be happy until they accept these FACTS.

[Tracii G]

I think Nyla F has it right with the number 2 possibility.
I find it odd too about the OMG they can see my bra strap threads.
If you wear a bra in guy mode just own up to it and the heck with what others think.
I know I'll get slammed for the bra comment but hey its the truth.If you wear one to work you are asking for comments from your co workers the way I see it.

[Jaylyn]

And it could be like an old singing group of the sixties said in a song..... " kicks just keep getting harder to find". They were closer to right than we sometimes admit. I am though at the age I hope I know when and how to control what I want in life. I dress because I feel good when I do. Half my kicks there are just the dressing to the max and some times over board I love walking in the house in my heels when dressed. I'm still very cautious as I'm also getting older I've found a happy place in between being outed and my wife accepting me for her soul mate no matter what I should screw up and do. Maturity can be rewarding but getting old sucks....

[Ezekiel]

Maybe what happens for some here is that getting caught would force them out of the closet, and since they don't find the strenght or courage to do it themselves, the getting caught idea is their only way out that they are desperately seeking. They might really need it to be done this way, as telling or showing in a prepared way is too frightening, and consciously want to get caught at it.

So yes, they want to get caught as the only way of coming out of the closet, putting themselves in a situation like "Oh well, I got caught after all, can't help it, now I'm out of the closet"

Their attitude would like "Well things happen, life is like that"

[Anna H]

I'd say the #1 thing to do is weigh what the costs are if someone does
get into a little "trouble"

Some can lose jobs. Family. Leading to other losses, easily.

Some of us don't care. Some have little to lose. Some won't know how
bad it will be until it happens. Some it won't matter.

I wear girl clothes everywhere I go. But...they're not obviously
girl clothes. Someone would have to look at the labels and know what
they were looking for.

Worst case is someone assumed I may possibly be a bit gay. But they
have no way to know that for sure. I may just get a quick once-over
and that's that. Not enough to cause me any problems.

Being assumed "gay" is a lot different from being seen as a CD. Like
it or not, we're not viewed with a lot of favor by the vast majority
of the public. Sure, we may be within our legal rights, but that
won't change the overall view the public has.

For some, it can -and will- cost them dearly. For others, may be little
to lose. Or care about.

[ArleneRaquel]

I'm a widow(er),retired, and I live alone. People will think whatever that want about moi, I don't care. Most people don't care how you live as long as you don't interfere with their life. Sometimes "we" are over aware I believe, I know that, at times, I am, especially with my homophobic next door neighor.

[CynthiaD]

Responding to the OP, of course they want to get caught! They want to get caught and have it be OK. Living a secret life is hard, but explicitly coming out is really scary. It's so much easier to get caught "accidentally" and have it be OK. Let's hope it really happens that way.

[natcrys]

Candice,

I can see 2 possibilities (but I'm sure there are more). They both are trying to get as close to the edge without getting caught.
1) A person who doesn't want to be outed, but takes chances because of the need to be their true self.
2) A thrill seeker who pushes the boundaries of what is safe for the adrenaline rush. After a while they would have to take more chances in order to get the same thrill.

For me, it's number 1.. I'm out to practically all my friends, but not to my parents.. and not at my work. So, depending on your POV, I'm still closeted.

So, to be true to myself and to be able to express my moments of femininity, I use risk assessment and management. :)

For example, I don't go out in my own city nor any city where there is high probability of running into family members. And there many more things I do to minimise the risks, but I'm always aware that something unforeseen might happen... and then I'm screwed. However, being out .. it's necessary for me and thus, the risks are acceptable.

But yeah, if being "found out" has very negative consequences.. I would not underdress to work (not that I underdress). Then again, I'm constantly reminded that people take risks daily without fully assessing the consequences: texting while driving, eating bad foods, etc. :p

[Beverley Sims]

Candice,
For some, another fantasy.
You only have to have a couple of near misses to smarten up your act if you are genuine.
I still count the near misses on one hand, the ones I remember anyway.

[Adriana Moretti]

everyone on here is so different & unique i get a kick out of some of the " almost got caught" stories....when they seem so obvious that they kinda LET themselves get caught... It is nice to stand on the edge though.. i guess once you get there you are either going to jump or run back to the closet.

we live on a mountain
right at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning i walk towards the edge
and throw little things off

[Alice Joyce]

Interesting Thread Candice,

I am not sure how this all works for other Ladies. I saw a cder in Myers the other day, she looked quite pretty. She was obviously not worried about being outed. I did think to myself I wish I was as confident and free as she is being herself. I do not want to be caught out by friends or the like................If my Wife was to discover my Female side I would not be to scared of this, she is very open and understanding. Mind you, I do not intend openly exposing Alice to her. For me I do go out at times as Alice (day time) I am a bit similar to what Natcrys tells us. I do not go out dressed anywhere near my village or where I think I may run into people I know. Whereas I`m constantly out and about wearing underclothes that are not easy to detect, slacks and jacket. Someone would really have to stare hard to notice. Occasionly I`m out at night dressed to the 9`s as Alice, Still don`t want to get caught but I feel so good doing this. I mind my own business and have no eye contact with others. It has taken me a long time to understand and get to this point, but, To Hell With It......if I get caught so be it.

[LizGirl]

+217 points for the perfectly appropriate Björk lyrics :)

*listens to hyper-ballad*

[Alexis.j]

Hi Candice, I have noticed that a lot too. I think it is the thrill of getting caught that adds to the excitement for them. And the further they can push the boundaries, the greater the thrill.

[Cheryl T]

From my time in the shadows I know that I dreaded the thought of being "caught" yet somehow seemed to put myself into situations that would result in just that.
I think that many of us who are closeted feel we wish we could step into the light but are afraid of the consequences (family, friends, work) so we subconsciously position ourselves in the hope we will be "caught" and that someone will at last know our secret and we can then be free of the guilt and shame we so often feel before we finally accept ourselves.

[Princess Grandpa]

I guess I came to accept my needs in steps. It started with panties and I really thought it was just a sexual thrill. I desperately wanted to wear my panties out and about as part of my every day wardrobe. "But what if I get pulled over and searched? What if I get into an accident?" I would fret. So I never really went out underdressed. I would consider it almost daily but I always chickened out. After I came to understand and more importantly accept that I am a cross dresser, that particular fear faded away.

Within a couple weeks of buying my first outfit I was caught by my grown son. The front door was locked even though nobody was expected. the blinds were all closed and I was going about my day as Rita for maybe the third time. With absolutely no desire to be caught I suddenly found my self face to face with my boy. I guess I missed the back door on the day he just happened over.

Some months later my grown daughter was in my room chatting with my wife. Suddenly she asks about a pair of shoes in the closet. "Those are cute". She says. "Wow they're really big! Who's are they?" Thus prompting a conversation between she and I.

I didn't want to get caught by either of them, yet they both know. In the end I guess just like there are differences in how we dress or why we dress, there are differences in why we get caught. For some the thrill of almost getting caught gets out of hand. For some the need to dress outweighs the risk. For some they think they are quite clever and nobody will know. I'm sure there are others who need to be out so badly they pretend they're being far more careful than they are.

Hug
Rita

[PaulaQ]

I think many of these stories are classic examples of self sabotage. Our subconscious may hate that we are hiding, and try to fix that for us. Other cases are sloppiness and poor planning.

Its really hard to live with others and keep this stuff a secret over any length of time, so some of us are no doubt victims of bad luck.

[Hell on Heels]

If you don't jump, you'll never know if you can fly.
Problem here, my shoes are made of lead and I'm wearing ankle weights.
I'm not looking to fly at the moment, but have thought about the "accidental" outing, and how
it might be the easier way out of the closet. I couldn't intentionally leave something laying about any easier than speaking the words though.
Safely grounded, and being extremely cautious, it would be a true accidental outing if
I were to get "caught".
Much Love,
Kristyn

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Candice, It's something like a death wish.

[Lorileah]

If they are getting a thrill from getting caught then after they got caught they would need a new hobby, right?

I know there was a time I wanted to get caught so I could talk to my wife about it instead of trying to broach the subject in normal conversation

[Nikki50/50]

Human Nature. We seek, always; to stand on the edge of some precipice or another. The stories seem to have the common theme of CDs putting themselves in those situations, true enough. But how would that be different from any other day, for those who must uphold an extremely (and unfortunately) high level of discretion? The super-closeted CDs take that risk EVERY time they dress. The wife/GF could come home early on a lark... Maybe a relative (with a key to your house given by your SO) drops by for a surprise visit...It happens. Welcome to the universe.
The stories that get posted are either of the luck running out and getting caught, or coming dangerously close. It is the unfortunate reality of CDs with much to lose putting it all on the line just to express their inner selves, if only for a little while at a time. Sometimes it goes well, most of the time it does not. Make no mistake, though... they know the risks, and they are willing to take them. I have a lot of respect for that.
The stories I've seen are an entertaining read, though.

[Ericaxd]

Candice,

I can see 2 possibilities (but I'm sure there are more). They both are trying to get as close to the edge without getting caught.
1) A person who doesn't want to be outed, but takes chances because of the need to be their true self.
2) A thrill seeker who pushes the boundaries of what is safe for the adrenaline rush. After a while they would have to take more chances in order to get the same thrill.

Nyla: for me, it's number 1, precisely. I sometimes feel I MUST take the risk to be closer to who I am. I think many closeted CDs take the risks we're discussing because the cost of coming out fully is just too high personally and professionally. One more thing: I've noted on this site and others over the years that many CDs are risk takers in much of their lives: cops, soldiers, mountaineers (that used to be me) so maybe that does play into it.

[Candice Mae]

Another side of this is those who hide their dressing from their SOs, to me hiding something like this is not a good idea. Not only is it lying to your SO, if they "accidentally" find out it is often worse because you hid it from your SO rather then be truthful about your self. And those that post saying that their SO seen their bra marks, nail polish, and smelled perfume on them do they actually believe that their SO isn't wondering whats going on? Or has already put two and two together and knows that their SO is a CD.

For me when a relationship gets serious I told my SO that I am a CD/TG, I'm not saying that you have to proclaim your dressing on the first date. But the sooner your truthful the easier it will be for the two of you to work through any problems.

[jessica76]

I feel like hiding is short changing yourself and your SO. If wearing a dress makes you happy then by all means DO IT! If you have an SO though, let her know. If what she wants is a masculine man than that is not you. I was engaged to a girl once and didn't let me true feelings regarding something other then crossdressing. In the end, I wasted my time and her time.

[AliyahS619]

For me the second option basically sums it up. Don't want to be caught, but want to go right to the edge of that. That's led to getting caught a few times (stories for another day), but even then getting caught has been in a way that's within acceptable limits.

That said, at home, the thrill and fun of it is still there, even when there's no risk or adrenaline rush.


Candice,

I can see 2 possibilities (but I'm sure there are more). They both are trying to get as close to the edge without getting caught.
1) A person who doesn't want to be outed, but takes chances because of the need to be their true self.
2) A thrill seeker who pushes the boundaries of what is safe for the adrenaline rush. After a while they would have to take more chances in order to get the same thrill.

[wanda66]

I like to wear nylons and a skirt why is that wrong...because we think it is ? Reading all of these comments are very helpful, but in the end we all will be " caught ".one way or the other. Hopefully the day will come when we are judged by who we are not what we wear..