One year ago today...

[PaulaQ]

I came out to my wife as transgender. I'll always remember that conversation - it was by far the hardest and worst I'd ever had. I told my wife about my gender issues, I told her everything. I didn't know that I'd transition, I sure didn't want to. But I knew, and I told her, that what I was dealing with was serious, and I had no choice but to follow it wherever it lead.

I knew that as soon as we'd finished the conversation that I'd mortally wounded my marriage. Four months later we separated. We're divorcing now.

I found myself thinking about her this morning, we had 20 good years together, we raised our children, we built homes together, we went on vacations together, and were partners, lovers, best friends and spouses.

She was in town this weekend, visiting our kids and her family. I didn't see her - she didn't tell me she was coming to town. That's understandable - we haven't seen one another in four and a half months.

But I did find myself crying a little this morning, thinking about her. I do miss her and I still love her, although the situation between us is of course impossible.

I've changed a lot in the past year. Last year, I was depressed, anxiety ridden, suicidal and at the point of breakdown. I'd never been out of the house presenting as female, and my presentation was pretty questionable - I didn't know how to apply makeup, I'd only fully dressed a couple of months before. I didn't know who or what I was, I was just miserable, that's all I knew.

This year I'm transitioning. My wife's fears came to pass. I live fulltime as a woman now. I like myself now. I never have experienced that before. I know who I am now - I am a queer transgender woman. I no longer live in rural Oklahoma, or suburban Dallas, as I used to do. I live in the gay part of Dallas, near the center of the city.

A year ago, I really didn't know any gay or lesbian folks well at all. As I write this today, I'm volunteering in the computer center of Dallas' AIDs resource center, a support hub for the LGBT community in this area. My life is totally different.

I haven't completed my transition, I have lots of medical stuff to do, but I know I'm on the right path, and am grateful to have survived the last year.

Still, I find that I'm sad about the cost of all this, especially for my poor wife. She lost her future and relationship, and really gained nothing in the bargain. I'm at least not miserable anymore. Indeed in many ways, I'm happy now. She gets to try to pick up the pieces of her life - what a crappy deal.

I wish I had some way to tell her these things, but I don't, and that is almost certainly for the best - nothing I could say makes any of it better for her.

So I appreciate your indulgence as I write about this and share it here, and I'll close with the same line I did last year:

I hate this.

[Nadine Spirit]

Wow, it has been one heck of a huge year for you Paula. I wish you all the best for the coming one. :)

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Paula, I can understand your sorrow, break up's are usually a difficult thing to go through.
Thinking it's all your fault huh. I don't. I see it as her narrow minded, non acceptance issue is at fault.
Regardless of fault, things are what they are, and for the most part they worked out for the best for the both of you. Your no longer miserable, except maybe this morning,cheer up, and she spared herself some misery by getting out of the relationship quickly.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug

What a year indeed! While I can understand why your wife may not have been able to continue married to you as a woman I find it quite sad she couldn't be supportive of the person she married and part as friends. Anger, hurt, bitterness are tough emotions to live with. Based on what you have shared with us I would say you acted with all honor. The only way you could have preserved her future as she saw it would have been to sacrifice yourself.

Hug
Rita

[Beverley Sims]

Paula,
I do feel for you and I would like to think that you do not lose contact with your wife.


It is sad and I hope your journey does get easier.

[mykell]

paula,
please do remember those good times and memories you had with your spouse and children,
for they will enable you to endevor in your journey to freely become the one from which is your true self,
we will be here for the bumps and tips along the way, and in the end they will remember all the good that is part of you, have patience.
i wish you and your family all the best.....

[Katey888]

Dear Paula,

I do sincerely hope that things continue to get better for you, as they clearly have done... although, of course not without their downsides too... :hugs:

A lot can change in a year - as your post so clearly demonstrates. All you can do is take responsibility for how you live your life in the future... It's not your fault or anyone's fault you all are where you are today... It's a lack of acceptance and understanding from society in general that stigmatises people and forces them to repress their true feelings... A more accepting society would have less issues to deal with, but that requires openness, honesty, integrity, understanding and intelligence... I fear we may be a long way from universal acceptance and understanding.

It's not surprising you hate going through this - it's a completely understandable feeling - but please don't hate yourself for what has happened, that would be wrong and unconstructive... :) :bighug:

Katey x

[Jaylyn]

Paula there's nothing that can change the future but I wondered if you should at least tell your wife what you shared with us? I also think on the other hand that maybe you shouldn't say any thing and let her get on with her life. This type of thing to me would be the hardest part. I think every day how lucky I am to not have the desire to go all the way with the dressing to becoming a woman completely. I have had thoughts of that though and they were wondering what they feel in sex and having to bear in relationships etc. I am lucky to have an accepting wife of my dressing and at least for now and at my age will probably stay this way I'm content in the role lay of dressing, wearing makeup, and parading around the house like a female. Sometimes I wonder if this is blessing or a curse. At least for now I enjoy my male self more but enjoy my dressing occasionally. I pray for your wife and hope she finds some sense in this and that you keep the inner peace you have found.

[Madie]

If this sounds cold or i'm biased against her anything I apologies in advance, that's not my intent.
I think it's good that you did whats right for you. It's not selfish- suppressing it for just the sake of her expense is unfair for you, as well as those around you. You entrusted your deepest secret to her and she chose/was unable to accept it. That is NOT your fault. If she was not able to accept that you wanted to be happy in life that is not YOUR fault. While some self sacrifice can be admirable, we all need to ultimately do whats best for us, and if that means separate paths from old friends and loved ones that refuse to accept you for who you are so be it. The change may understandably be difficult for her, and it's unfortunate that she may choose not to continue a relationship be it only friendship, but that's her choice as well. Good luck to both of you.

[Jane G]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience from the past year Paula.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, When one door closes another one opens , good luck.

[jessica76]

You did the best possible thing you could do. What would hurt more? Not being yourself and living an unhappy life or being yourself and letting your wife know who you really are and each of you having the rest of your lives to figure everything out?

I know a couple where the guy didn't tell his wife that he was gay. He cheated on her and wasted her time. He wasted 20 years of his life denying himself what he really wanted and mislead her into thinking everything was ok. In the end, you will be happy with your decision and realize that you did the right thing.

[Bria]

Paula, thanks for the update, I have followed your posts for the last 8 or 9 months and have noted that your tone has become much less angry and more calm and controlled as you have become happier with yourself. I hope that things continue to go well for you in the next year and will look forward to the next progress report.

My first marriage ended in divorce, yet I still remember some of the good times that we had and the good reasons that we married. I guess that's just a part of the bumps and grinds of real life. I will continue to remember you and your wife in my prayers.

Hugs Bria

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the sympathy and support. I have been a little sad today. That was quite a sunday afternoon last April 7.

I had to tell her. I was so suicidal - I really felt I was at risk to harm myself. She had to know about this. I had, without really understanding it all, reached the point of "transition or die." I didn't, at the time, understand the "transition" part of that statement, but I had a good understanding of "or die." I didn't have too much hope at the time she'd accept this. I knew she couldn't - I knew her well.

I didn't have a whole bunch of choice over the past year. I'm more surprised I didn't successfully commit suicide last year, and that I'm here now, writing this, in relative stability. I was a real mess, particularly in my earlier postings on this site. The first few months I was here, I really was barely holding it together emotionally. Somehow though, I got through it all. I'm a lot better now.

And hey, there's nothing really special or unique about my story. It's pretty typical for a trans woman. Straight girl + (surprise!) lesbian girl = breakup, much of the time. It's not surprising, and I don't blame her for it. Yeah, I'm mad at her sometimes for how she's treated me, but this has been hard on her, and it's a shock that no one is emotionally prepared for. I probably have it coming anyway - I should've had the guts to really look at this stuff, and transition 24 years ago, before we got together. Lord that would've been tough though - it was just so much easier to bury it all again.

I miss the good times. We did some cool stuff together. We were really good friends - I miss that most of all. I fear we are unlikely to be ever again.

[Cherri]

Paulaq, I have been a member of this forum for years,lurking in the background.your story touched me deeply.you are the bravest human being I know.stay strong. You go girl
Cherri

[TxCassie]

Dear Paula,

What an incredible year you've lived. I think you're transition year is one of the most comprehensive stories I've ever heard. I can just imagine your life as it was a before a year ago today, a year ago and now today. Just Incredible. I empathize with your loss, for your words are so real to the very happy life you had with your wife. The feelings you had back then must had been so painful in what seem a very happy life.

I of course do not know the future, but don't ever close the door to your ex-wife. For while your life as you knew it is over, you never know that she may at one point in her life decide to address you and come to terms with the happy marriage and the sad ending to it. But you also must be prepared to face that she may never do so. Time heals, but Time also allows life to go on, so she may not ever be able to face you until she moves on and finds her the love she deserves from a man. In time, it may be two women wishing each other peace and acknowledging the love once loved, but allowing that love, that life, fade into a distant memory like the mist of a cool morning only to dissipate by the sun of a new day.

Hopefully in time you two can meet, but it will be two women, not a woman and a man, and that in self, will be the defining reality that life indeed moves forward to the point of happiness for the one who choses to live it, to really live it.

God Bless Dear...

Cassie :love:

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Cassie & Cherri, I appreciate your kind words.

As long as my wife is able to get on with her life, and find some happiness for herself, I'm ok with it if we're never friends again. I hope she meets the man she really deserves, and is able to stay in the town she loves now.

She doesn't like most women, so I think even if she gets over her hurt, she still probably won't like me. I'm just not the kind of woman she befriends.

I'm still learning a lot about myself. I don't think I believe in marriage anymore, for one thing, at least not for me. I don't want to depend on another person so much - it's not fair to either of us. But that's a topic for another thread.

[kimdl93]

Sorry that this marks such a difficult anniversary. Life is filled with these kinds of milestones, and one never forgets the date, time and place. But I am confident that time will heal all wounds, those you suffered and those endured by your wife. That's small solace today, but I hope gives you another reason to look forward.

[TxCassie]

My Pleasure Dear,

Maybe one of the days, I'll mosey up there to the Big D from down here in So. Central Texas. We can do lunch, and of course, SHOPE! ! ! I love the Cedar Springs area, you might even get me to don my En Femme in public, you just never know. We're about to blast off our annual Fiesta week and this year, it's a week longer only because the good Catholics at St. Mary's Uni. didn't want to hold the Oyster Bake on a Good Friday which Friday, the two would have fallen on this year. LOL, Praise the Lord and pass the Lone Star, ah hum, that'll be $5.50 for the beer, Ms, :eek: :heehee: ! LOL.

Happy Fiesta! :battingeyelashes:

[Kayla C]

Paula,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and especially your heartfelt feelings.
I know that what you have experienced is my greatest fear - the loss of the person I have shared my life with.
I hope you are finding some inner peace despite your loss.
Hugs,
Kayla

[MissTee]

Awww, Paula {sniffle.}. Bless your heart you've been through so much. That you care so deeply about how your wife is doing and getting along speaks volumes about how much you love her. I can't imagine the grief or the heartache.

[AmyGaleRT]

I admire your strength, Paula. You've held up through so much, and you've made huge sacrifices to begin becoming who you truly are. That's the way of it many times, though...some people get to the point where they know they have to either transition, and accept everything it's going to cost them, or die.

I hope things continue to go smoothly for you on your journey. :hugs:

- Amy

[PaulaQ]

@Cassie - thanks, and definitely let me know if you come to down, and yeah, plan to be en femme, I know the places to go, and nobody in my neighborhood will look twice at you.

@Kayla - thanks so much - but do remember it's a two way street - my wife lost the person she most cared about, with whom she'd shared her life, and raised children. I feel worse about what this has done to her, I really do.

@Amy - yeah, I hit the wall. I really don't recommend doing this - the trouble with hitting rock bottom is sometimes it isn't recoverable.

I know my wife is very lonely now. I really do hate that.

All of you with accepting SO's - please be grateful and please show them how much you love them, and how precious they are to you! Not all of us get that opportunity.

[Michelle789]

Paula, you've been a real inspiration to me :)

[sanderlay]

Paula,

I feel your pain... and I know it's so hard to make huge changes like this. But you should also remember everyday you needed to do this for your sanity, your well being. You were at a cross roads and you chose life. That's shows true courage and bravery and you should be very proud of yourself.

It's hard to say goodbye to a best friend when it did not feel right to do so. But you should know in your heart you did the right thing. Not every friend has the maturity, the respect and bravery to be there for you when you needed them the most. And being without them is certainly a challenge. But for now you know it's for the best to move on. Forgive them for their shortcoming. Someday your friend may come to her senses. Don't shut her out of your heart. Leave the door open to be friend at a distance and see her best qualities. Time can heal if you allow it.

So it's time to set your sights on the future and leave the past in the past. It's time to see life from a new perspective and embrace this new challenge. It's time to make the best of everyday and make new friends on this new path.

Another traveler...

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

That is quite the year and I am sure it has taken quite the emotional toll on you. However, you are weathering the storm and are now moving forward in the direction you need to go. It always sad when we close one chapter of our lives but then another chapter opens and we find ourselves immersed in the joy that only newness can bring. Is there any chance that in the future you and your ex could find an accord to be friends?

Hugs and extra one for your year.

Isha

[PaulaQ]

Is there any chance that in the future you and your ex could find an accord to be friends?

Thanks Isha, I hope so - we'll have grand kids one day, and I'd love to see our home again.

But I doubt it. I'm the spooky female revenant of her lost husband. She blames me for his loss, and for all her life's problems. (Sometimes with good reason, sometimes not.)

She'll never approve of my life.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Paula,

Thank you for sharing this. I've read your thread several times and am so touched by it. Those of us with understanding wives / SO's really can't appreicate what you have gone through this year -- at least I can't. I just share the hope that others have expressed, that somehow you can reconnect; you'ver shared so much. Maybe it just takes time?

Another warm hug from this little corner,

Claire

[Melissa18]

I feel for you Paula,
Hugs,
Adelaide

[MsVal]

Paula, while I read each of your posts with great interest, I do not normally post a response. This is not due to a lack of interest but a realization that your issues are on a far different plane than any I have ever experienced. There is nothing of value that I could add to the conversation until now.

I want to thank you for the many, many articulate, heartfelt, soul searching posts that journal the events and feelings you have experienced. They are at the same time cautionary and inspiring. They have caused me to weep, they have caused me to pause for introspection, they have caused me to cheer. If one day I should find myself in a situation similar to yours I will certainly value your journal as an example of one person's journey through a harsh disclosure and transition.

Best wishes
MsVal

[PaulaQ]

I was pretty sad about this again today. It's hard to give up such a long relationship - it's over though.

I read the speech I gave to my wife when I came out to her to one of the support groups I attend. If people here are interested, let me know and I'll post it. I never posted this before - it seemed too personal. Now? Who cares - it made no difference to the outcome, and knowing what I know now, nothing I said would have made any difference, unless it was "... and I'll never do it again!" (And I'm not totally sure about that one either.)

[MsVal]

That speech is kinda personal. I advise thinking it over.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Zylia]

I feel thoroughly unequipped to say anything meaningful to someone with your life experience Paula, so I'm just going to thank you for your ongoing support and contributions to this community. All the very best!

[Adriana Moretti]

yea Paula you rock! was just thinking bout you the other day, hope all is well down there ! xoxo