An Update

[Carlene]

Hi Everyone,

I'm not sure where to begin or even how much I feel comfortable talking about. Any discomfort I have has nothing to do with any of you or whether or not I trust the people in this forum. Rather, it has everything to do with not understanding why I am transgendered or where I can go with these feelings. I do know, however, that I can never go back to being the man I once was.

My dilema is one of choice. The crux of the matter is that I have been married to a wonderful woman for more than 35 years. I have children who know me in many ways, none of which are as a transgendered man, and I have a wide circle of friends. All of these are at risk if I move any further forward. Specifically, if I begin HRT. My wife is aware of my struggle but is also pretty clear about her position relative to it. Our marrige may already be terminal....and frankly, I can't blame her for feeling the way she does.

I have spent some time with a therapist but know in my heart that the reasons for my arrival where I am has little to do with how to proceed from here. You see, at the heart of the matter is the fact that I like my feminine self so much more than the male me. If there were no family complications this would be an easy decision.

So, I find myself often feeling happy, light hearted, pleasantly vulnerable, and close to tears for no apparent reason........and then there are the times of guilt and shame.

Thank you all for reading my ramblings and for those of you who are also struggling, please know that I care about you.

Carlene.....:daydreaming:

[Rianna Humble]

Carlene, I sympathise with your dilemma and understand your reluctance to cause difficulties for your family, but ultimately, you need to decide whether you can live happily as the person that they want you to be, or whether your need to be true to yourself will eventually be more beneficial to you and to your family.

This is not an easy question, but is fundamental to whether this is the right time for you to transition.

[mechamoose]

["Bad Influence" hat ON]

Hon, you Are Who You Are. Your wife may be able to make this trip with you, but she may not.

While an (understandable) sense of duty and responsibility keep you bound to your promises, that isn't the same as being honest about what is happening now, right? When you made those commitments, you told the truth. Why should you stop now that things have shifted? Does she want you to *lie* to her?

You can 1) Keep the old promises regardless of what it costs your personally, or 2) accept what is now and try and make your world fit that.

It isn't like you did this on purpose, right? It wasn't an 'evil plot'. You didn't try to 'trick' anyone.

My ex-wife gave me a ton and a half of crap because I wasn't the 'man' she thought I was. I did everything I was supposed to, but because I didn't fit her preconceived image, I was 'bad' and 'broken'... while she was the one who had an affair... (ahem.. *cough*, nevermind)

I'm not going to brush off 35 years. That is really long time. But after all that time, there should be so much acceptance for "Things You Don't Like" and "Things That Are Not How You Wanted Them" that you should have each other's back *ANYWAY*.

My wife and I are not only married, but we are *friends*. Friends have different needs at different times. If you change, is she no longer your friend?

I know these are confrontational questions, but they are important ones.

If you love each other, you should be able to adjust to the fact that BOTH of you have changed since you first got together. Is she the same girl she was back then?

[Hat OFF]

Take care of YOU hon. If you don't, who else will?

<3

- MM

[Carlene]

Mechamoose, my wife and I are the best of friends, hence the dilema. That being said, I know that HRT is right for me. I cherish my wife, children, close friends, and so on but I also know that I can no longer return to who I was.

Rianna, I think I have the answer, but perhaps not yet, the courage.

Carlene

[mechamoose]

Then I think you need to find out how to address Her concerns. You are the same *person* she married. You have the same interests, you have the same values. What is happening is how that is *expressed* has changed.

If she understands that *who* you are and *what* you care about hasn't changed, but only how you are expressing yourself, then there is a way.

She is probably afraid because she doesn't understand what she sees. Help her understand that what has changed is a role issue, not a promise or dedication issue, then there is a way.

Clothes are adornment, nothing more. Role is a responsibility question. Are you *dedicated* to your family, no matter what? Yah, me too.

Try to find a way to communicate that. You aren't bailing out on your responsibilities, you are trying to adjust your role in fulfilling them. Who washes the dishes? Who cooks the food? Who pays the bills?

Which of those jobs has a gender assignment?

- MM

[KellyJameson]

I always recommend caution when thinking emotions equal identity. An example would be a man who crossdresses and through crossdressing gives himself permission to have and experience the emotions he stuffed down inside himself when he was a child.

By using crossdressing as a backdoor to feel and than labeling these feelings as being feminine he escapes the problem of holding onto his masculine image that he was forced to adopt to be accepted by society.

Another example would be a man who is bi-sexual or gay but also homophobic so through crossdressing "becomes a woman" so now sex is ok with men.

In my opinion you really want to watch for any type of emotional or sexual repression from childhood including your teen years.

It can be extremely difficult to overcome repression built out of shame, guilt and humiliation during childhood.

Emotions belong equally to both men and women.

Identity comes from finding yourself in that gender that reflects and mirrors back to you your own innate temperament as masculine or feminine.

This is something very deep found in all men and women that society creates their social rules out of.

You want to be sure you are not reacting to the sickness of how gender is socialized into children through reward and or coercion. Reacting to this and dealing with the sickness created by this is not truly identifying with a specific gender.

Being a woman is different than escaping the unhealthy gender expectations imposed on men through shame, guilt ,manipulation, coercion, indoctrination, ect.. by "becoming a woman"

You cannot become a woman by no longer being a man but will simply be a man presenting as a woman who will be experienced as a man by women.

Be very careful with what you are exactly trying to change or escape from.

These words are not to label or define you because only you will discover and know your truth but simply an attempt to give a different perspective of "what may be happening"

I never want to discourage or encourage someone to transition but simply to have a discussion about the complexities of what exactly is gender identity and where it comes from.

[Carlene]

MM,

I haven't quite looked at the situation in this light but I find what you say to be comforting. Yes, I do want to alter my role but not lose those things dearest to me. You are also correct about the fact that who I am and what I care about not having changed. Along with that though, I need to allow myself to experience them differently, which can only be accomplished by releasing that part of me that has been repressed for a lifetime.

I do not necessarily see clothes as merely adornments, though. I believe clothes and hormones are tools that nurture the growth of a seed that was denied water and the light of day. For me to grow I feel they are both needed.

Thank you so much for your response.

Carlene....:daydreaming: