I think I might understand

[Princess Grandpa]

I frequently wonder about my discomfort going out in the main stream dressed as Rita. I have posted several threads trying to come to an understanding. I greatly dislike it when things don't make sense. I have gotten some advise and encouragement from many of you ladies. "You have come so far so quickly just give it time. You will get there!" Or "It's all about confidence! Fake it until you make it." A solid principle. Having spent a good many years as a commissioned sales person these are practices I'm very familiar with. I have been out many times now. It should be getting easier but it's not.

So that leaves me still wondering. Do I not truly accept myself for who I am? I think I do. I feel like I do. Am I that worried about what strangers think of me? Not usually. In the end I can think of only two things I can point at as a source of discomfort.

First is the bathroom. I am a man. I may like to dress as a woman but in the end I am a sexually active male attracted to women. I feel I have no business in the women's bathroom. It feels as if I'm violating some sanctuary or something. The men's room however, just may not be safe. The other much lessor factor; I dislike being the source of discomfort for another. As I openly evaluate my emotions on it, neither of these feel like enough of an influence to cause the level of discomfort I experience.

This question invariably comes to my mind everytime I take a woman's garment to the fitting room, something I do in male mode regularly with only the slightest discomfort, and that only occasionally. Why can I openly declare myself a cross dresser by trying on dresses, shoes and other articles or walking around with painted fingers and toe,s but the thought of being out fully presenting takes every bit of self control to not run screaming?

There I am in the dressing room at Ross. Looking in the mirror as I try on clothes. I think "This is so you"! And suddenly it dawns on me. As much as I love dressing up as Rita, as much fun as I have dancing with my wife and hanging with the other girls, as much as I love to look in the mirror and see Rita looking back at me, that's not really me. That's playing dress up. And I do love to. But this...*waves his hands up and down in front of himself* is who I am deep down inside. Not really a woman. Not really a man. Some odd happy little hybrid.

I do need to be Rita some times. I even need to go out as Rita sometimes. (Thank you Jamie And Laura G for providing that outlet) but this is who I truly am! This is how I NEED to live. Yes I can "fake it until I feel comfortable" but why?

Hug
Rita

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rita , It's a cross that we have to bear.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Rita,

I think it's two things:
1. Societal acceptance. You (and me too for that matter) ought to be able to use the damned bathroom without worrying about harassment. Society doesn't accept us, and that's tough to swallow. I get used to it - I have to deal with it all the time, and never revert back to boy mode. And sure, you can avoid some crap by doing that - but I think it makes it all the harder to get used to the times when you are having to deal with society's lack of acceptance.

2. Self-acceptance. This stuff is hard to absorb, and feeling somewhere between a man and a woman is hard to deal with, because there's no real model for it in society. Also, you are doing something that society tells you is WRONG, and has said is WRONG for your whole life. It takes a while to get over that. I've watched trans women, on HRT, struggle with this same thing. It's hard to flip society the bird, and then feel great about yourself. It surely is hon.

I can tell you that over time and with practice, it really will get better and easier. I'm sorry I'm not nearby - I'd get you out enough, and having enough fun, that over time you simply didn't think a thing about it anymore.

[Confucius]

Regarding self acceptance, I admire Grayson Perry, and find him insightful. Perhaps his wife Philippa Perry, a psychotherapist, is partly responsible for his insights.

When a cross-dresser dresses en fem he normally adopts a female name, tries to walk and talk as a woman, and generally tries to convince the public that he really is a female. His justification is generally, "this is who he really is". In contrast Grayson Perry says he is "a man in a dress", and regrets the "Claire" character is created, now saying, "she really doesn't exist".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G-2rgFLYzo

Similarly, I refuse to adopt a female name. I consider myself a man in a dress - that really is who I am. I don't try to convince anyone that I am a female. My wife appreciates this. At one time she was afraid that I would transition, however, now she understands that will never happen. I find women's clothing attractive, and I love the way it makes me feel, however I never forget that I am a man.

By the way, Grayson Perry rocks!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2545301/Cross-dressing-artist-Grayson-Perry-wears-mother-bride-outfit-receive-CBE-Prince-Charles.html

[Beverley Sims]

I think of myself differently.
I am a woman, but hoping I don't meet any one I know from the other side of my life.
There is always some apprehension lingering.

[kimdl93]

One little observation about bathrooms. There is nothing sexual, at least not in my mind, about using a woman's bathroom. If I'm dressed as a woman, it's about heeding natures call, not probing the private sanctuary of women. My birth gender never crosses my mind in that situation. I blend well enough, at least in my own mind, to feel comfortable using the restroom that best matches my presentation.

[Wildaboutheels]

I think part of your answer is here.VVV

"I go out several times a month fully presenting as Rita. We go dancing, my wife and I. After several outings to mainstream venues I have decided I much prefer the tgirl events. I dress daily in women's pants and tops but no wig forms, or make up. I go out dancing with the wife because We have so much fun doing it and Rita is teaching me to be a more social creature. I go out daily as this weird hybrid thing because that's who I truly am."

Looks to me as if you don't want or need to "pass" when out but likely go whole hog so as not to embarrass your wife? As you still have your male parts, you unconsciously feel as if you are trying to "fool" people maybe. Perhaps YOU would be more comfortable out dressed just partially or do you?

The bathroom thing? I think it's always been that Humans with penises use the men's bathroom and Humans w/o them use the female bathroom and that worked pretty well and you think it is a pretty good idea? It's also obvious that you likely fear being busted by a female in the ladies room and traumatizing HER?

[TxCassie]

Oh, Rita, you're way too hard on yourself. Not to discount anything you said in your post, but dear, you're doing just fine, You ARE OK! I think many of us have been at your point either at one time once, or at times always. I have no definite, five steps to solve all your issues, but I do know being a crossdresser and presenting feminine and being a heterosexual man is a challenge. You are recognize you feminine side, but as any male, you know what you are and your self identity is very deep rooted in your masculine identity.

Don't feel, you have to do anything that you're not comfortable in doing honey. If you still have serious reservations about presenting in public because of the various "issues" such as "bathrooms" you may want to scale that activity back a bit, or be more selective when and where you travel en femme. I don't want to at this point in my life to present myself in public en femme but I also know, I would favor a private gathering where I feel safe and know others in the group will accept and interact at with me as Cassie. It's ok dear. If you're feminine presentation in public is not bringing you joy and happiness, then it's your mental self tell you, not yet, dear, you're either not ready, or maybe you just don't like presenting en femme in public.

If you arrive at a point where, you wish to be in public as Rita, and you don't care about being a "man" in that your masculine side takes a backseat for a while, then you'll know that you're ready to face the world as Rita.

Dressing en femme and allowing Rita to emerge should make you happy, free and most importantly allow you to be your feminine self. It's ok not to be man honey, if it's not what you are... even if it's for few hours.

All the Best Honey,

Cassie :love:

[sanderlay]

Finding your true self, your own self identity, your real inner you, is the goal in my opinion. I personally would want to stay there and present as my inner me full time. But that's just me. For me... It took me several years to accept the truth of who I am and not just compromise.

If you had a machine that would make you the vision of Rita in your heart and mind to the outside world would you do it, permanently? Or are you happy floating back and forth going from masculine to the feminine and back? I assume you do not wish to only be a man permanently.

These questions are not easy or simple to answer, but I think they might help you on your path. This should take time and much self reflection.

[Rachael Leigh]

Rita I feel so much the same way many times, as many here have said this is not easy to have this part of ourselves it's just so great to have this place to talk it out with others who understand. Hang in there.
Hugs Leigh

[Jackie7]

Hi Rita,
I've gone from being terrified to go out in public, to being thrilled, to dressing and going out with a chip on my shoulder, to going out comfortably, to rarely going out in public while dressed, all I now think as ways to manage the kinds of feelings you describe. Like you I have a loving and supportive wife, which takes a lot of the anger and fear out of it. And in the last ten years we've found a circle of friends who accept me en femme or en drab, however I choose to present myself. Nowadays I often dress at home, and I like to dress for social events including restaurant meals with our friends, but I rarely go out shopping en femme or otherwise amongst the general public. Our community of friends has given me a way to express my femme that is comfortable for me, without stress and anxiety. And that's what I want out of this - an authentic way to live that doesn't have stress. If that means giving up the adrenaline rush, I'm fine with it.