Rachel_740
01-12-2006, 10:46 AM
Hi All,
This is an edited version of a posting I've done on another forum site. The reason I have edited it is to remove names and places.
* * *
Well, here I am 12 months down the road from an event that I’ve wanted nearly all my life and until I split with my 2nd ex in August 2004 I thought would never, ever happen.
Although I'm in a 44 year old body, today I celebrate my first birthday, or put another way it’s the first anniversary of my transition.
This past year I am regaining my spark. I have a smile on my face a lot of the time which is getting bigger every day. I get up each morning now, looking forward to the day, whatever it may bring – good or bad. My life and every day is now something to treasure and savour, not just a day-to-day trudge.
When I look back over the last year, although I felt comfortable from the outset, I did have issues to work through. These were exaggerated because during the first 3 months of last year 75% of my shifts I was forced into doing the job of shift manager at work - a job I really don't like or want. On top of that, I was winding myself up because my own work was backing up (I've still not caught up) and I was unable to do anything about it (I've got to a point now where I email one particular job home to do it, because I'm getting so frustrated at not having any time to progress it at work). The last 6 weeks I have been forced into doing the shift managers job again because one of them (there are 6 in total) is taking the p**s and has been off 'sick' - I'm told he has post viral fatigue (don't we all need a bit of time to recover if we've had a virus but we don't have another 9+ weeks off sick to do it), and yes, I know post viral fatigue is recognised as a medical condition but over the last year or two this guy has been taking the p**s more and more frequently to the point that even my department manager doesn’t seem to believe there is anything wrong with him - but I only have to stand in for half the week because of the way shifts fall. Anyway, overall for 2005 I spent 38% of my shifts as shift manager and due to this b**tard shift manager this year isn’t starting well on that score.
Anyway having got my moan out the way, I'm so much happier in myself than I ever was during my adult life as 'him'.
Prior to becoming Rachel, I would come home from work and change into a skirt and jumper. This made me feel better and more comfortable immediately. When I transitioned, for long time (until around September) I was continually thinking about my gender and that I was finally the gender I always should have been. Towards the end of September I realised that something had changed – I was no longer thinking about my gender continually. This made quite a big difference to me because I was suddenly more comfortable in myself and with my own confidence.
I get up in the mornings and get myself ready for the day with a smile on my face - regardless of what is planned for me for the day. Most people who know me comment at how much happier I am now I'm Rachel (and I've settled down into my new life) and I just can't believe how much better I feel in myself. I was chatting with one of the girls at work a couple of weeks ago about how things are for me and how far I’ve come. I almost told this girl of my transition just before Christmas 2004 (about 2 weeks before I planned to tell everyone else in the factory), but I managed to stop myself – I needed someone to talk to that day and was 99.99% sure she wouldn’t have a problem with it, but I eventually had to hold back from telling her, just in case. After I made my announcement to the world (well, the factory) I had a chat with this girl again and she said that she was very happy for me and yes, I could have told her and it wouldn’t have gone any further, but she did understand why I refrained from telling her.
I was convinced in my own mind that the transition would be right for me (otherwise I wouldn't have done it), but it has surpassed all my expectations. As I told my 1st ex over Christmas there is no way in this world I could go back now to being 'him' for any reason at all.
* * *
When it comes to make-up, epilating and other girly things, not once have they been any trouble. I have to get up ½ hour earlier in the mornings (04:30) than I did when I was ‘him’ to give myself time to do my make-up and I’m as happy to do it today as I was a year ago. I’ve never felt that I can’t be bothered, even on my days off when I haven’t had to leave the house – in fact, those days I take even longer over getting myself dressed than when I’m working. It’s nice to have some ‘me time’ (if you know what I mean). Epilating I’ve done regularly in between waxing (especially during the summer, for summer skirts). Yes, it hurts a bit still, but I wouldn’t just leave it and having seen the way my hair has reduced with the combination of waxing and epilating I’m not going to shave my legs again. Going back to when I was ‘him’, it was a struggle to have a shave and brush my hair when I got up in the morning – how times change :) .
* * *
Although nobody could ever accuse me of working too hard, I am working too many hours and so really enjoyed my Christmas break. This was made even better because I had my kids for a few days (including Christmas day), which was the first time since I split with my ex (about 6 years ago now). The reason I'm working so many hours is simply to recoup my losses from my divorce with my 2nd ex and try to get my finances into a reasonable state for when I have my op (hopefully) in May - oh, and because of the £1000's I've spent over the last 2.5 years building a new wardrobe. I've slowed down very considerably now on buying clothes, and I don't really buy anything else (except life's essentials, like food, perfume, cosmetics etc :rolleyes: ). Gone are the days when I would go out and buy a load of things to upgrade the PC, just because I felt like upgrading it for no good reason - I'm just not interested in gadgets etc. any more.
* * *
I do still have occasions when I get a little nervous or self conscious while I'm out (and to be honest I expect that to happen for many years to come yet) but most of the time I just go about my business as required. I go where I have to, do what I need to etc., 99.5% of the time without a thought about is anyone looking at me, do I look like a guy in a skirt or any other negative thoughts. I'm almost happy with my appearance (I need a bit more facial hair removal, which I'll get done in time), and depending what I'm wearing I've got to be careful about having a bulge showing where there shouldn't be one - although I usually avoid wearing anything likely to give me that problem. I can't think of anywhere I wouldn't go now that I would have done as 'him' - the only place I can think where I wouldn't go is a football match (but I wouldn't have done that as 'him' anyway).
As for my voice, I have been working on it (without speech therapists) and sometimes I’m fairly happy with it, other times I feel I’m beating my head on the proverbial brick wall. I did have a phone call from my (gender) therapist last weekend though. I wasn’t expecting the call and when I answered she said ‘Sorry, I think I’ve got the wrong number’. I didn’t twig immediately who it was, but I asked who she wanted. She replied that she wanted to speak to Rachel. At this I recognised her voice and said to her ‘I’m Rachel, you have got the right number’. She said she was surprised because she thought she was talking to a woman, to which I replied ‘You are!’ I’m obviously making some progress with my voice. (Although I wasn’t particularly happy with her comment about thinking she was talking to a woman – being post-op herself and a gender therapist I feel she should have known better than to make the comment about thinking she was talking to a woman, but in the circumstances I’m OK with it).
* * *
Sexuality and Relationships? In my past life I had just two relationships that have progressed further than ‘first base’. In both of them I had a really big problem because I didn’t want to be the leading (stronger) partner. I always wanted to be the weaker partner and I just follow the lead – I’m not really putting this very well, but I hope you understand what I’m getting at). So many times I just wanted someone to snuggle up to and I couldn’t do it – I wasn’t allowed to be submissive at all in my second relationship :cry: . When it comes to the ‘bread winner’ of the household, I want to be an equal partner.
If you had asked me 12 months ago, I would have guessed that post-op I would still not find guys attractive (I was always straight as a guy) and any relationship would be lesbian. Over the last year things have moved on. Back in July last year I was in the laundrette doing my washing one day and this guy started chatting me up. I went out with him a number of times and he got more and more pushy for sex. It got to a point where I had to do something, so I told him the truth about me. He took it very well and we still saw each other until recently, but he didn't want to be seen out with me since I told him the truth (he didn’t take me for a drink, meal or anything else before I told him the truth either – he was very tight!). It was basically a '2 way usage' relationship. I was using him to learn about myself and how to behave as a woman and he was using me for a bit of 'hand relief'. That relationship wasn’t going anywhere for a number of reasons and I’ve finished it now. I have learned, however, that I am happy and comfortable in the company of a guy. If (when the time comes) I can find a man who wants a sexual relationship with me remains to be seen however. I do still find women attractive as well and I wouldn't be averse to the idea of having a lesbian relationship, but a straight relationship will be what I am looking for. I am a bit scared that if I have a lesbian relationship I will end up taking the stronger emotional role again and I really don’t want to be the stronger emotional partner. I just love to snuggle into someone and be all feeble and made to feel safe and wanted :) - it’s what I should have done all my life.
In the mean time, I'm very happy with my own company, learning about myself and doing the things I want, when I want.
* * *
Next Monday (the 16th Jan) I have my second opinion and Tuesday (the 17th Jan) I have my next appointment with the psychiatrist I’ve been using all along. From there, I am hoping to get another appointment with my surgeon some time around the beginning of February and have a date set for my op. I had a chat at work last year and the best time for the company is sometime around the beginning of May mainly due to our holiday year running April to March and people finishing off their holidays, so that's what I'm hoping to get from my surgeon.
Back last May, when I saw my psychiatrist, I asked for an early appointment to see my surgeon because I was keen to get some first-hand information. I saw my surgeon last July, and (because of personal problems my 2nd ex was causing me) I paid for my op there and then (although I expect to have a little more to pay due to price rises), so the vulgar bit is out the way.
I just can't believe how quickly time has passed over the last year, and it's now going to speed along for the next few months to my op (whenever it actually comes). Once I have the op I think that time will suddenly stop! I am a person who, if I'm awake, wants to be out of bed (even if I'm not doing anything) - so those first few days will drag on forever. Once I'm discharged from hospital there's the post-op period of not being allowed to drive. That's going to drive me mad. I love driving, and I'm 2 miles out of town as well so I'm reliant on my car (my neighbour is great though and I’m sure she'll drive me to town if I need anything).
Mum and Dad have said they will take me up to have my op and stay in a B & B while I’m there, then bring me back after. Although I love them, I’m hoping that they don’t insist on me staying with them when I come out from hospital. I’m going to need my own space and I’m sure I won’t want to have to get dressed every day and work round other people in someone else’s house doing dilation etc.
The next problem I will have once I get home is the rest of the time off to recover (unless I'm really suffering with my daily procedures). I have never (from when I was a small child) been able to amuse myself - that's one reason I love work - so the days/weeks/months I'm off are just going to drag and drag and drag unless I can re-train myself over the next few months (which I am slowly managing) to be able to sit and read or watch television – I’ve got no attention span. These are only short term issues in the grand scheme of things though.
* * *
As for the future, I feel I have spent my life until 12 months ago in the early throws of the sunrise. I feel the sun is now rising and it looks like it's going to turn out to be a gorgeous, sunny, summer’s day that I’m looking forward to - for the rest of my life. Life is unbelievably good now, and it’s getting better daily :) .
Over the last year I’ve been liberated and gone from a lifetime of ‘existence’ to living my life (although my social life hasn’t changed one bit).
Rach
xxx
PS. As for ‘him’ – he’s now completely gone. I’ve blocked pretty much all my memories of my past male life, and I’ve got no intentions of recalling them – ever!
This is an edited version of a posting I've done on another forum site. The reason I have edited it is to remove names and places.
* * *
Well, here I am 12 months down the road from an event that I’ve wanted nearly all my life and until I split with my 2nd ex in August 2004 I thought would never, ever happen.
Although I'm in a 44 year old body, today I celebrate my first birthday, or put another way it’s the first anniversary of my transition.
This past year I am regaining my spark. I have a smile on my face a lot of the time which is getting bigger every day. I get up each morning now, looking forward to the day, whatever it may bring – good or bad. My life and every day is now something to treasure and savour, not just a day-to-day trudge.
When I look back over the last year, although I felt comfortable from the outset, I did have issues to work through. These were exaggerated because during the first 3 months of last year 75% of my shifts I was forced into doing the job of shift manager at work - a job I really don't like or want. On top of that, I was winding myself up because my own work was backing up (I've still not caught up) and I was unable to do anything about it (I've got to a point now where I email one particular job home to do it, because I'm getting so frustrated at not having any time to progress it at work). The last 6 weeks I have been forced into doing the shift managers job again because one of them (there are 6 in total) is taking the p**s and has been off 'sick' - I'm told he has post viral fatigue (don't we all need a bit of time to recover if we've had a virus but we don't have another 9+ weeks off sick to do it), and yes, I know post viral fatigue is recognised as a medical condition but over the last year or two this guy has been taking the p**s more and more frequently to the point that even my department manager doesn’t seem to believe there is anything wrong with him - but I only have to stand in for half the week because of the way shifts fall. Anyway, overall for 2005 I spent 38% of my shifts as shift manager and due to this b**tard shift manager this year isn’t starting well on that score.
Anyway having got my moan out the way, I'm so much happier in myself than I ever was during my adult life as 'him'.
Prior to becoming Rachel, I would come home from work and change into a skirt and jumper. This made me feel better and more comfortable immediately. When I transitioned, for long time (until around September) I was continually thinking about my gender and that I was finally the gender I always should have been. Towards the end of September I realised that something had changed – I was no longer thinking about my gender continually. This made quite a big difference to me because I was suddenly more comfortable in myself and with my own confidence.
I get up in the mornings and get myself ready for the day with a smile on my face - regardless of what is planned for me for the day. Most people who know me comment at how much happier I am now I'm Rachel (and I've settled down into my new life) and I just can't believe how much better I feel in myself. I was chatting with one of the girls at work a couple of weeks ago about how things are for me and how far I’ve come. I almost told this girl of my transition just before Christmas 2004 (about 2 weeks before I planned to tell everyone else in the factory), but I managed to stop myself – I needed someone to talk to that day and was 99.99% sure she wouldn’t have a problem with it, but I eventually had to hold back from telling her, just in case. After I made my announcement to the world (well, the factory) I had a chat with this girl again and she said that she was very happy for me and yes, I could have told her and it wouldn’t have gone any further, but she did understand why I refrained from telling her.
I was convinced in my own mind that the transition would be right for me (otherwise I wouldn't have done it), but it has surpassed all my expectations. As I told my 1st ex over Christmas there is no way in this world I could go back now to being 'him' for any reason at all.
* * *
When it comes to make-up, epilating and other girly things, not once have they been any trouble. I have to get up ½ hour earlier in the mornings (04:30) than I did when I was ‘him’ to give myself time to do my make-up and I’m as happy to do it today as I was a year ago. I’ve never felt that I can’t be bothered, even on my days off when I haven’t had to leave the house – in fact, those days I take even longer over getting myself dressed than when I’m working. It’s nice to have some ‘me time’ (if you know what I mean). Epilating I’ve done regularly in between waxing (especially during the summer, for summer skirts). Yes, it hurts a bit still, but I wouldn’t just leave it and having seen the way my hair has reduced with the combination of waxing and epilating I’m not going to shave my legs again. Going back to when I was ‘him’, it was a struggle to have a shave and brush my hair when I got up in the morning – how times change :) .
* * *
Although nobody could ever accuse me of working too hard, I am working too many hours and so really enjoyed my Christmas break. This was made even better because I had my kids for a few days (including Christmas day), which was the first time since I split with my ex (about 6 years ago now). The reason I'm working so many hours is simply to recoup my losses from my divorce with my 2nd ex and try to get my finances into a reasonable state for when I have my op (hopefully) in May - oh, and because of the £1000's I've spent over the last 2.5 years building a new wardrobe. I've slowed down very considerably now on buying clothes, and I don't really buy anything else (except life's essentials, like food, perfume, cosmetics etc :rolleyes: ). Gone are the days when I would go out and buy a load of things to upgrade the PC, just because I felt like upgrading it for no good reason - I'm just not interested in gadgets etc. any more.
* * *
I do still have occasions when I get a little nervous or self conscious while I'm out (and to be honest I expect that to happen for many years to come yet) but most of the time I just go about my business as required. I go where I have to, do what I need to etc., 99.5% of the time without a thought about is anyone looking at me, do I look like a guy in a skirt or any other negative thoughts. I'm almost happy with my appearance (I need a bit more facial hair removal, which I'll get done in time), and depending what I'm wearing I've got to be careful about having a bulge showing where there shouldn't be one - although I usually avoid wearing anything likely to give me that problem. I can't think of anywhere I wouldn't go now that I would have done as 'him' - the only place I can think where I wouldn't go is a football match (but I wouldn't have done that as 'him' anyway).
As for my voice, I have been working on it (without speech therapists) and sometimes I’m fairly happy with it, other times I feel I’m beating my head on the proverbial brick wall. I did have a phone call from my (gender) therapist last weekend though. I wasn’t expecting the call and when I answered she said ‘Sorry, I think I’ve got the wrong number’. I didn’t twig immediately who it was, but I asked who she wanted. She replied that she wanted to speak to Rachel. At this I recognised her voice and said to her ‘I’m Rachel, you have got the right number’. She said she was surprised because she thought she was talking to a woman, to which I replied ‘You are!’ I’m obviously making some progress with my voice. (Although I wasn’t particularly happy with her comment about thinking she was talking to a woman – being post-op herself and a gender therapist I feel she should have known better than to make the comment about thinking she was talking to a woman, but in the circumstances I’m OK with it).
* * *
Sexuality and Relationships? In my past life I had just two relationships that have progressed further than ‘first base’. In both of them I had a really big problem because I didn’t want to be the leading (stronger) partner. I always wanted to be the weaker partner and I just follow the lead – I’m not really putting this very well, but I hope you understand what I’m getting at). So many times I just wanted someone to snuggle up to and I couldn’t do it – I wasn’t allowed to be submissive at all in my second relationship :cry: . When it comes to the ‘bread winner’ of the household, I want to be an equal partner.
If you had asked me 12 months ago, I would have guessed that post-op I would still not find guys attractive (I was always straight as a guy) and any relationship would be lesbian. Over the last year things have moved on. Back in July last year I was in the laundrette doing my washing one day and this guy started chatting me up. I went out with him a number of times and he got more and more pushy for sex. It got to a point where I had to do something, so I told him the truth about me. He took it very well and we still saw each other until recently, but he didn't want to be seen out with me since I told him the truth (he didn’t take me for a drink, meal or anything else before I told him the truth either – he was very tight!). It was basically a '2 way usage' relationship. I was using him to learn about myself and how to behave as a woman and he was using me for a bit of 'hand relief'. That relationship wasn’t going anywhere for a number of reasons and I’ve finished it now. I have learned, however, that I am happy and comfortable in the company of a guy. If (when the time comes) I can find a man who wants a sexual relationship with me remains to be seen however. I do still find women attractive as well and I wouldn't be averse to the idea of having a lesbian relationship, but a straight relationship will be what I am looking for. I am a bit scared that if I have a lesbian relationship I will end up taking the stronger emotional role again and I really don’t want to be the stronger emotional partner. I just love to snuggle into someone and be all feeble and made to feel safe and wanted :) - it’s what I should have done all my life.
In the mean time, I'm very happy with my own company, learning about myself and doing the things I want, when I want.
* * *
Next Monday (the 16th Jan) I have my second opinion and Tuesday (the 17th Jan) I have my next appointment with the psychiatrist I’ve been using all along. From there, I am hoping to get another appointment with my surgeon some time around the beginning of February and have a date set for my op. I had a chat at work last year and the best time for the company is sometime around the beginning of May mainly due to our holiday year running April to March and people finishing off their holidays, so that's what I'm hoping to get from my surgeon.
Back last May, when I saw my psychiatrist, I asked for an early appointment to see my surgeon because I was keen to get some first-hand information. I saw my surgeon last July, and (because of personal problems my 2nd ex was causing me) I paid for my op there and then (although I expect to have a little more to pay due to price rises), so the vulgar bit is out the way.
I just can't believe how quickly time has passed over the last year, and it's now going to speed along for the next few months to my op (whenever it actually comes). Once I have the op I think that time will suddenly stop! I am a person who, if I'm awake, wants to be out of bed (even if I'm not doing anything) - so those first few days will drag on forever. Once I'm discharged from hospital there's the post-op period of not being allowed to drive. That's going to drive me mad. I love driving, and I'm 2 miles out of town as well so I'm reliant on my car (my neighbour is great though and I’m sure she'll drive me to town if I need anything).
Mum and Dad have said they will take me up to have my op and stay in a B & B while I’m there, then bring me back after. Although I love them, I’m hoping that they don’t insist on me staying with them when I come out from hospital. I’m going to need my own space and I’m sure I won’t want to have to get dressed every day and work round other people in someone else’s house doing dilation etc.
The next problem I will have once I get home is the rest of the time off to recover (unless I'm really suffering with my daily procedures). I have never (from when I was a small child) been able to amuse myself - that's one reason I love work - so the days/weeks/months I'm off are just going to drag and drag and drag unless I can re-train myself over the next few months (which I am slowly managing) to be able to sit and read or watch television – I’ve got no attention span. These are only short term issues in the grand scheme of things though.
* * *
As for the future, I feel I have spent my life until 12 months ago in the early throws of the sunrise. I feel the sun is now rising and it looks like it's going to turn out to be a gorgeous, sunny, summer’s day that I’m looking forward to - for the rest of my life. Life is unbelievably good now, and it’s getting better daily :) .
Over the last year I’ve been liberated and gone from a lifetime of ‘existence’ to living my life (although my social life hasn’t changed one bit).
Rach
xxx
PS. As for ‘him’ – he’s now completely gone. I’ve blocked pretty much all my memories of my past male life, and I’ve got no intentions of recalling them – ever!