Diana81
04-09-2014, 08:43 PM
Hi girls!! Big news in this front! Well, since the first time posted here I haven't dressed at all. I've been restricting all this to my own thoughts, internet chats and this forum. I met some really nice people, and got an invaluable help from people here.
So I have spent the last few weeks thinking about this all, thinking about what will I do with my life, how I feel, should I think about going full time, am I crazy and need to let all this go... And quickly realized I needed the opinion of someone that was close to me, that knew how my life is and how I am.
I thought about different people, I almost told a different person but refrained from doing it at the last moment. Finally, I decided to tell a girl who is a good friend of mine, and has showed a really open mind about all things regarding sexuality, gender identity, etc. Plus we are really close since the times we first met, even having a couple of, say, affaires between the 2, years ago.
Then I told her we needed to talk, I did it through Facebook because I didn't feel comfortable unloading all this face to face. I started from the beginning, telling her first that I was not the straight guy she thought I was. This was the first time in my whole life I have told that to someone that knew me. It was a very big step. So I told her about my experiences, what I have been feeling since I was a kid, and how I started feeling what I feel now, and finally recognizing it. Then I told her how I came to be Diana and how I feel at the moment. I told her about my doubts, not knowing if I was gay or bisexual, not knowing if I was a crossdresser or I wanted to go full time and even transitioning.
Basically I told her I'm in this moment that is the happiest time in my life on one hand, and the time that scares me to most and I'm less sure of what I am and what I will be on the other. I told her everything I have done, everything I dream of, every relevant feeling I have, I really needed to unload this.
So I was answering her questions all through and then I finished with the story. I asked her how did she feel, what did she think about me. It was a tense moment because she has always liked me, she even told me she was in love with me when we started meeting each other years ago.
Then, this was her response: "Ok, so when do we go shopping??"
We talked for hours, she told me everything that I needed to be told, that she still loves me like she loved his male friend and nothing has changed, that the only important thing is that I was happy, that I was brave to be doing all this and telling her...
I asked her if she wanted to see some pics of myself, she said it was ok as long as I wasn't hotter than her, in that case she would hate me. Turns out she hates me! She said it was terribly unfair I had my legs and my bottom, and it was also really unfair she was with a guy in bed long ago and she found him gorgeous and then years later she finds out that guy is also a girl that is hotter than her! So yes, we basically had some good laughs out of it all.
She also told me I'm in desperate need of some make-up lessons and she will fix that (she has worked as a make-up artist), and I basically have her to solve any doubt or any girl problem I might encounter.
It all went good, but then it was really late at night, so we called it a night. I got up the next day really anxious, regretting all I had told her, thinking she might have been so nice to me because she didn't want to hurt me and basically told me everything she felt he had to tell me, so I left her a message today, I was worried.
We've been talking for a really long time tonight too, she has ensured me she is really happy with all this and she will support me all through. She pointed me to a couple of places she knows where therapists work, they are therapists specialized in LGTB issues which is exactly what I need at this moment.
Obviously I'm still having the same doubts, I basically don't know how I feel. When I get asked: Do you feel like you are a woman and should live as one? I don't know what to answer. Yes, I know I wish I was born as a girl, I wish I could have realized all this back in my teens. I know I wish I could be sure about what I felt so I could go all-in with this. But the reality is I don't know. I don't undoubtedly feel like a woman. I don't feel as a man either, and I actually despise everthing male about me. I don't like my male looks or physical traits, I don't like my male life, it makes me suffer quite a bit. I definitely won't live a regular straight guy life.
Now, am I a crossdresser? Am I just a very feminine and repressed gay man? I don't really know, but I hope all this will help me find out. All in all really big news. I can say, for the first time in 32 years, there's at least ONE person that is close to me and really knows all the feelings inside me that I have been working hard to hide for all my life. Feels refreshing. Feels good.
I think I will probably start telling it to select friends over time, depending on how I feel and if I reach any conclusion. But so far, so good, and I wanted to share this with you girls, because it was finding this forum that changed it all from an almost life-threatening mental illness (I thought) to something beautiful that even people that know me can recognize as something beautiful.
And I'm really happy about it. Thank you girls. You are angels.
Kisses.
Diana.
So I have spent the last few weeks thinking about this all, thinking about what will I do with my life, how I feel, should I think about going full time, am I crazy and need to let all this go... And quickly realized I needed the opinion of someone that was close to me, that knew how my life is and how I am.
I thought about different people, I almost told a different person but refrained from doing it at the last moment. Finally, I decided to tell a girl who is a good friend of mine, and has showed a really open mind about all things regarding sexuality, gender identity, etc. Plus we are really close since the times we first met, even having a couple of, say, affaires between the 2, years ago.
Then I told her we needed to talk, I did it through Facebook because I didn't feel comfortable unloading all this face to face. I started from the beginning, telling her first that I was not the straight guy she thought I was. This was the first time in my whole life I have told that to someone that knew me. It was a very big step. So I told her about my experiences, what I have been feeling since I was a kid, and how I started feeling what I feel now, and finally recognizing it. Then I told her how I came to be Diana and how I feel at the moment. I told her about my doubts, not knowing if I was gay or bisexual, not knowing if I was a crossdresser or I wanted to go full time and even transitioning.
Basically I told her I'm in this moment that is the happiest time in my life on one hand, and the time that scares me to most and I'm less sure of what I am and what I will be on the other. I told her everything I have done, everything I dream of, every relevant feeling I have, I really needed to unload this.
So I was answering her questions all through and then I finished with the story. I asked her how did she feel, what did she think about me. It was a tense moment because she has always liked me, she even told me she was in love with me when we started meeting each other years ago.
Then, this was her response: "Ok, so when do we go shopping??"
We talked for hours, she told me everything that I needed to be told, that she still loves me like she loved his male friend and nothing has changed, that the only important thing is that I was happy, that I was brave to be doing all this and telling her...
I asked her if she wanted to see some pics of myself, she said it was ok as long as I wasn't hotter than her, in that case she would hate me. Turns out she hates me! She said it was terribly unfair I had my legs and my bottom, and it was also really unfair she was with a guy in bed long ago and she found him gorgeous and then years later she finds out that guy is also a girl that is hotter than her! So yes, we basically had some good laughs out of it all.
She also told me I'm in desperate need of some make-up lessons and she will fix that (she has worked as a make-up artist), and I basically have her to solve any doubt or any girl problem I might encounter.
It all went good, but then it was really late at night, so we called it a night. I got up the next day really anxious, regretting all I had told her, thinking she might have been so nice to me because she didn't want to hurt me and basically told me everything she felt he had to tell me, so I left her a message today, I was worried.
We've been talking for a really long time tonight too, she has ensured me she is really happy with all this and she will support me all through. She pointed me to a couple of places she knows where therapists work, they are therapists specialized in LGTB issues which is exactly what I need at this moment.
Obviously I'm still having the same doubts, I basically don't know how I feel. When I get asked: Do you feel like you are a woman and should live as one? I don't know what to answer. Yes, I know I wish I was born as a girl, I wish I could have realized all this back in my teens. I know I wish I could be sure about what I felt so I could go all-in with this. But the reality is I don't know. I don't undoubtedly feel like a woman. I don't feel as a man either, and I actually despise everthing male about me. I don't like my male looks or physical traits, I don't like my male life, it makes me suffer quite a bit. I definitely won't live a regular straight guy life.
Now, am I a crossdresser? Am I just a very feminine and repressed gay man? I don't really know, but I hope all this will help me find out. All in all really big news. I can say, for the first time in 32 years, there's at least ONE person that is close to me and really knows all the feelings inside me that I have been working hard to hide for all my life. Feels refreshing. Feels good.
I think I will probably start telling it to select friends over time, depending on how I feel and if I reach any conclusion. But so far, so good, and I wanted to share this with you girls, because it was finding this forum that changed it all from an almost life-threatening mental illness (I thought) to something beautiful that even people that know me can recognize as something beautiful.
And I'm really happy about it. Thank you girls. You are angels.
Kisses.
Diana.