Confused

[Bryn]

I'm just not sure whether or not I am a transsexual. I don't know how else to explain this without describing what I've experienced, so here it is... I just want to know if others here feel or have felt the same way as I do

As you can see, it's very long so I apologize. My questions are at the end.

I'm male. A few times when I was a child I crossdressed, but I'd be lying if I said I understand why I did it or how significant it was. I also would pretend to be or daydream about being a woman. Either about being a woman or about being feminine. I still do that. I crossdressed again in high school with a female friend, but I was uncomfortable about other people being there so I never did it again.

When I became a teenager I began to realize that I am not straight. However, I could not imagine myself with a man, except as a much more feminine version of myself. I wanted men to treat me the same way they did women. I felt frustrated with my appearance and tried to alter it. I shaved a few times but stopped because I was ashamed of the behavior and people began to notice, and because the results were rather insufficient in my eyes anyways.

As I approached adulthood I became more aware of the existence of trans women but I didn't know much and in my mind becoming one wasn't really an option, though I liked the idea. Several years later, I became interested in crossdressing again, got brave enough to shave at least, and then seriously started to consider the possibility of transitioning. That was a few weeks ago.

What am I confused about, then? What should I consider myself? Are my reasons for wanting to transition typical? I would like to receive HRT, permanent hair removal, and other feminization procedures. I want to live as a woman. However, I am fine with my birth sex (I have no desire to change my genitals) and am uncomfortable with surgery in general. As far as gender identity goes, I don't know right now. I'd consider myself a woman if I could transition and effectively adopt the role of a woman. I never actively thought about these things before, I just know how I feel and have a rough idea of how far I want to go. That's it.

[LeaP]

Confused, thinking about it for the last few weeks, and jumping to notions of transition ...

Find a *gender* therapist. You are WAY too far ahead of yourself. These are best looked at as random thoughts, a pull perhaps - and could be almost anything.

What are the possibilities? If you are a crossdresser, your thoughts about transition are pretty typical ... and you be a highly unlikely candidate for transition. If you turn out to be transsexual, re-read my second sentence in the paragraph above. If you are gender-variant, you will wind up exploring options for balancing your gender issues. The vast majority of gender-variant people don't transition. And, of course, if you are none of the above, then you are in the happy place of finding the cause, fixing it, and getting on with your life.

Therapist.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Bryn don't apologize!!! Your message is fine!! Say more if it helps!!!

Lea is right. You are ahead of yourself. It can help you a lot to find a therapist and directly discuss these feelings. They are consistent with how some(not most but some) transsexuals feel because this is something that you can deeply repress for a long time.

Try to eliminate your sexuality as part of the equation. It doesn't matter if you like men or women.

Also as Lea says, think in terms of learning about your actual real life options, thinking about stuff that may be years out there isn't going to help you make the best decisions. A gender therapist can guide your thought process and keep you from getting too obsessed (and if you do get obsessed they can guide you about what you can do about it)

Do you live in an area where there are therapists? If so, find one today, and if not tomorrow..etc..... otherwise you risk just going in circles.

I hope you find this helpful

[Annaliese]

These are question I have ask my self, over and over again, what I would do, I would is seek a therapist one who has Training in working with gender issues.

[I Am Paula]

I see nothing uncommon about your story, but it doesn't mean your TS or something else. I agree, remove sexuality from the equation. Therapy, and self reflection are needed here, and you will find your answers, but not nessasarily quickly. Take your time, present female when you feel like it, and see where you head. There is no right answer, nor wrong one.

[KellyJameson]

Do you want to change yourself to attract men to you ?

How much do you want to change to affect others and how much comes from feeling compelled to have your body resonate with your essence that created your gender identity ?

To change purely to attract men without identifying with and as a woman but yet trying to live as one would seem to be risking a type of self imposed gender dysphoria.

Gender identity is not dependent on sexual relations but I do think sexual attraction and gender identity can be created out of the same shared biology so to want men to be attracted to you is fairly common among transsexuals but it is not "exclusive" to transsexuals so the desire to attract is not an indicator one way or another.

There is much more to it than sex but yet sex can be a part of it.

In my opinion it is very important that transitioning is not done solely for sexual reasons.

[Bryn]

I didn't mean to imply that sexuality was a causative factor, but it was part of the story. I mean, it is definitely a recurring theme in my sexual thoughts, that tie into my sexuality quite a bit but I wouldn't say that the entire thing is a inherently sexual in nature. I also think that my sexuality made me more open to and aware of this when I was younger.

I'm not exclusively attracted to/don't have a preference for men, and the gay and bisexual men I have met didn't ever like me to be feminine so from a logical standpoint I guess that wouldn't make a lot of sense. It does make me feel more attractive and confident but not in relation to how others feel.

You're all right about everything else though. I called 3 or 4 therapists that I found on a local LGBT support site but they were either not taking on new clients or were booked for a few months. I have to see a therapist today for an unrelated issue and I'll see what she has to say or if she can refer me to someone else for this.

Thanks for listening

[LeaP]

I took me 3 months to get a first appointment with my therapist - a gender therapist who has been working with the population for 25 years. She was worth waiting for.