Panic Attack! (Long Post)

[AprilMayy<3]

Ok, so I get very few times to dress(about every 3 months or so, last time dressed before this Sunday was Christmas Eve). Anywho! I finally got a time to dress this previous Sunday, and I was ecstatic about it. Once I heard everyone was going to be out of the house, the heart started beating. As soon as that car went out of the drive way, my hands were shaking with excitement.
So I began, doing my normal routine of getting out all the fixings for my session, bra, panties, skirt, leggings and a sleeveless shirt and some stilettos(Had the entire outfit planned out). Though with all the glee and giddiness, I was still deathly scared of being caught. I knew I had some time to myself, though my sister was to be arriving back from a trip sometime in the afternoon so I did not know when that would be.
Every item went on, and after each one I moved the curtain to check the driveway to make sure no one was pulling up. Now, it was picture time(as much as I hate the term, April is starting to refer to them as "Selfies" :facepalm: ) Now, doing this I knew I was leaving the windows unattended, so if someone were to pull up there would be a good chance I'm caught. Taking the risk, I walk to the other side of the house where the only decent sized mirror, and lighting as well, and snapped away. Then BAM! Car door slam! My heart sank, literally sank, and I raced to the window(in stilettos mind you!). I checked the windows, and it turned out to be the neighbors car.
My heart was still racing, my bra was closing in on my chest, leggings gripping my legs, my heart was hurting, and I started to get woozy and nearly fell down. I literally thought I was having a heart attack, and was going to die at the very young age of 18. This was too much for me, so the clothes came off, and I went to my room exhausted and just cried.
I'm stressing more than I'm dressing, which is killing me. I have this massive amount of femininity that I need to express, but the best way of doing caused me to have a panic attack.
I feel as if it's too much for right now :worried: Comments anyone? Sorry for the long post.

[Launa]

You need to get out fully dressed to go see a drag show or something.... Once you try it you'll see how easy it can be and how nobody really cares. The stressing over all this stuff is not worth it.

You should only worry about 3 -4% of the stuff you are stressing about. Fear stops us from living our lives to the fullest! I'm not saying to go running out of your house dressed and say hi to your neighbors or show up to work en femme but don't stress so much about all of it.

[michelle.foster]

AprilMayy,
I know the feeling. Maybe you could make arrangements to meet up with some other member in Southern California and spend a couple hours or the afternoon. If I lived closer, I would.

[Tracii G]

Sounds like you need a mentor to show you the way.
Find a trans group close to you.

[Ezekiel]

Have you thought of the possibility of coming out to someone in your family? I know it can be scary because of how some people take this, specially close relatives such as parents, they try to make you guilty and ashamed (like my mother tried), but if they are accepting you might win more time for yourself and your life will be more relaxed.

[AprilMayy<3]

Thanks for all the replies so far everyone. As for trans groups, I don't know. I was hesitant about joining a forum, so maybe a group will have to wait. As for telling my family and coming out, only a few family members know. My aunt and my mom know, and the rest of my family have made their views on certain topics very clear, they are very very anti-trans, gay, etc. My brother calls crossdressers "Traps", so coming out to the family isn't going to happen sadly. I've been waiting for a good time for ask a close friend to possibly dress with her one of these days, so maybe now it's a good time to ask her.
Once again, thanks for all the replies so far girls, this was a big shock to me, and I still am scared from it :(

[Eryn]

Sounds like you are still living with your parents. In order to address your anxiety issues you might want to seek out counseling.

At your age the concept of being TG seems enormous. It takes time to come to terms with it. You are doing what might be called "binge dressing", submerging your needs until they become overwhelming and then engaging in behavior that might get you found out prematurely. You might consider doing smaller things, such as underdressing, ear piercing, creative male clothing choices, etc. as a way to express yourself without dressing fully.

Your mother and aunt knowing is a big first step. It's likely that your other family members' attitude will change when they realize that they are talking to one of the people they were disrespecting.

You are not less of a person because you are TG. In fact, a willingness to explore beyond normal boundaries is to be commended.

[Ezekiel]

My brother calls crossdressers "Traps"

Those who call us traps are either morons, or are ignorant of how big this really is and have been just exposed to young crossdressers who try to deceive the viewer with their passability. Maybe you could try educating your brother a bit, without necessarily coming out, if the subject ever pops up, and see his reaction.

[Adriana Moretti]

hey girl...anxiety is my middle name...LOL....those scares will get easier as you get better and more experienced at dressing and being slick about it, especially living at home...i can understand i live home too....i deal with it now too.. you need a bail out plan...message me if you want to hear mine....but when you get better, dress more often, you will get more comfortable...

btw...you dont need counciling...you just got scared....if that feeling happens on a regular basis and nothing triggered it, then yes..

[Maria in heels]

April...yes, it sounds like you are in a dilemma...i think that you should ask your close friend and see what she says. This way, you would not go thru this heart stopping act all the time...I'm sure that many know the feelings, as I can relate to your story years ago when I was your age and younger...waiting till everyone goes to "sleep" staying up all hours just to dress for a little bit

[Marcelle]

Hi sweetie,

What you are describing is the anxiety which manifests itself as a classic panic attack. You desire to express your femme side is being supplanted by your fear of being caught and some therapist might even say a hidden sense of self loathing (their words not mine). My question is . . . Does this happen every time you dress or just recently? If it is recent there may be other things going on in your life which are causing stress and this combines with your need to dress and may cause anxiety. I also note you are very young so let's not rule out hormones as a potential cause to some of this anxiety.

My advice is to talk to your mom and see about counselling with a gender identity therapist as they will be able to bring order to chaos. You really need to grip that portion before you launch yourself to the outside world as the type of anxiety you speak of could paralyze you in a social situation (fight/flight or in your case freeze). If dressing makes you feel good perhaps speak to your aunt who knows and try to arrange dressing at her place so she can act as safety while you dress and help you through any panic attacks you might have. Doing this on your own and having a panic attack strong enough to make you almost pass out would not be a wise course of action for various reasons.

Hugs

Isha

[Katey888]

April - I've experienced similar feelings when I was your age and taking opportunities with the chance of discovery... I don't think just outing yourself to everyone or dressing and going out is the right advice or necessarily the right thing for you to do...

If you have people that you can talk to about it, then keep doing so... what you're feeling isn't wrong, but it isn't well understood by a lot of folk, and you could be exposing yourself to a lot more trauma until you understand a bit more about how much this is driving you and in what direction.

If you don't have anyone to talk to, perhaps it's time to seek out a professional counsellor - not necessarily anyone with knowledge off gender issues, but of course that would be a help. I think it would help you to get to what this means for you... beyond that, you also need to get a better plan for having this time alone. If you were to get some time when you could be undisturbed, perhaps that would also lend a little stability to your feelings - think about how you could do that - there must be some way...?

Keep Calm - you're not unusual, this isn't any imminent sign of a breakdown, just over excitement and plain fear of discovery! Take your time, and find someone to talk to - as well as here, of course... :)

:hugs:

Katey x

[CarlaWestin]

Yup! At eighteen the desire to explore the other gender can appear as quite a conflict compared to everything you've learned as the "acceptable, normal" societal behaviour. Us older folks have gone through generations of anxiety, depression and social non-acceptance. At this point we've already arrived at the cost/benefit conclusion that gender exploration is a wonderful thing. When I was your age my personal domain was my vehicle and I spent many wonderful hours, not at home, in various levels of femulation. At your age, the concealment of your clandestine proclivity takes most of the energy for those brief moments of fabulousness. It just gets better as you get older and that anxiety distills it self into pure contentment. Gosh, eighteen! Make-up would work so good on a young face.

Try to just relax and have fun with it all. You have the positive of being part of a very accepting generation unlike the close mindedness us pioneer women had to deal with.

[Sarah Welch]

Since your mom and aunt already know, I think it is in your best interest to open up to one or both and ask for guidance. If that isn't an option, then your friend you mentioned may be it.

When I was 15 my mom confronted me after discovering I had a box of tampons in my drawer (she had known for a while). She asked if I REALLY wanted to be girl that desperately. I know now that this was a turning point in my life that caused me my years of heartache and pain, all because I was too scared to admit my TRUE feelings to someone who loved me and wanted to help me.

You are so blessed to be young in a time when society better understands and accepts us for what we are, please be true to yourself and do not let fear hold you back from being, (or finding out), who you truly are.

[Beverley Sims]

April,
I think you are going to have to calm down, don't live on the edge so much.
You will become a nervous wreck.

[Zylia]

Hey April, I'm no (armchair) psychologist so you're not going get a psychoanalysis from me, but I do have one advice for you: don't feel sorry for writing (long) posts here, ever. This is a support forum and if you need a few more words than normal to express yourself or if you just like to write long posts that's totally fine. We'll read it ;)

Anyway, I think we can all relate to your story. Considering your mom an aunt already know, maybe they can help you in some way? Keep us posted!

[shawna0289]

When I lived with my parents I had very little time to dress and I would always be worrying if I would get caught by someone, but once I got a place of my own all off that worrying left

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi April May, You need to start underdressing to take the edge off.

[AprilMayy<3]

Thank you all for the responses. It's only been recently that I've been getting more and more cautious as I dress, which is strange. Maybe as I'm getting older I see the true consequences of being caught, I don't know.
Though a recent development from last night is that I asked if my friend(She was the first person I told I dressed) if I could dress at her house, and if she'd be fine with that. Luckily she was, and was excited to see me dressed in person. So maybe my panicking will cease now that I will be with someone else who is OK with me being dressed with them, and maybe will no longer even need to dress at my house.
And about making a long post, I thought it'd be OK haha. I also thought that it was longer than it truly was(darn advanced post haha).

[shawna0289]

It is really good that you have someone that accepts you dressing, my gf accepts me dressing but has never seen me fully dressed