What to Reveal? What to Conceal?

[Persephone]

Like many here, I lead a rich, full life acting as a guy -- even did a few things that got a degree of noteriety, at least in specific areas. Which means that if someone puts enough pieces together they can discover my former life and identity.

Not that I'm ashamed of who I was or what I did, but I very much prefer to be "stealth," to be just another woman rather than a transsexual.

So it always seems dicey to determine just how much of "his history" I should claim in discussing my past.

How do you handle integrating your past into your current life?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Thats like saying to me do i have a past,

of cause i do and every one knows what it is, you know TVNZ interviews Papers and the net..so whos left to tell certainly not my friends going back 56 years they all know,

and the schools i went to many from them know 1. 517.788, on our school friends forum, so really theres nothing to hide and why would i any way,

i have photos of what i looked like then 1953 on to 1963 plus my name of noel and noeleena.

For myself stealth is a non event as it was from age 10, im very open about my past why hide it , its what has helped in who i am today,
just because im born female with male does not change who i am what i wear makes no difference,

even funny as it is how i look i mean if im to be judged on my look alone then i'v lost it, id never pass and really who gives a toss 3 to 5 people out of a 100.reject me good odds i think .

Im too well intergrated in to socity and a member of many groups, you know what this is about its about being confident in your self as a person,
if your not then it matters not wether your male or female , its about the person not what you wear, that will make the difference wether your accepted or not,

Confidence selfworth self assured and knowing who you are as a person, the confidence to be your self no matter the handycaps or disibiltys , or not looking the part many try to play out,

Now the not ashamed .....Oh......

Right , okay, Ill never just be another woman that wont happen with my history .

Jos and I have 3 grown up adults who she gave birth to we have 11 grandkids and theres 18 in our family,

now, i could not give birth to any children because my body was not configured as a full working female, no womb yet im still female in other ways, okay,

no drama now those who are interested and those who know me know that, now that is well documented TVNZ papers and so on so i dont have to explain to every one they can or did read it and see it,

I understand where you and others are coming from and i accept that, what i have done i would not expect others to follow after myself because each of us are different in how we go about details in and of our lifes,

how did i intergrate,

my past into my life now, the same as i have done most of my life, by living it growing in it and allowing it to be a part of who i am and becoming who i am as a normal woman,

er yes i know as a different , I was going to say brand or model ,

,Oh , what ever.....oh come on you gota have a laugh , im glad im weird at least i can laugh at my self,....

...noeleena...

[Ariamythe]

I've more or less embraced the position that I will never deny my past. I don't think I will ever be able to "go stealth" anyway -- the testosterone poisoning just did too much to me physically -- so I figure being "out and proud" is something I can do and perhaps even use to benefit the community in some small way. Besides, there are accomplishments that "He" achieved, things that "He" did that I'm still proud of. While I definitely understand the wish to deny that part of me that was male, I'm perfectly comfortable integrating both.

[I Am Paula]

To a person I do not know, my past is their guess. I always figure that they can figure it out for themselves, but my wife swears that for the most part people see me as just another, albeit tall, woman. As for accomplishments, or notoriety. I tell my stories in a rather gender free manner. Some of course, do not lend well to being neutered. I was a regionally well known musician. Most of the musical community know that I was Paul. Those who have met me more recently, hear the same story, but assume, I assume, that it was a girl doing it.
I am not stealth. I'm not ashamed of my past. I also am not a mouthpiece for the trans movement. I just quietly co-exist. Those who know, or figured it out, are welcome to that info. Those that I have just met, I am Paula.

[kimdl93]

Good question, particularly in light of recent events in your life. I will be interested in the responses, having no insights to share.

[Angela Campbell]

If you know me and have for a while, you will know my past. If not I do not talk about it. I am a woman.

[Frances]

That's a hard one. I kind of got rid of everything when I transitioned, including my past. I have been reclaming it recently, as I am overcoming my transphobia somewhat. I am inching towards reintegrating all aspects of my life.

[AllieSF]

What you wish to keep secret, your secrets, is common for many people trans or not. When a person wants to let bygones be bygones and not have them brought up to other people, they do it and have been doing it since the first humans started talking. What is difficult is for people who like to talk and socialize and use past experiences in their conversations when making a point or empathizing with someone else's issues to keep their mouth shut long enough to be careful what and how they say things. We all have met the friendly person that no one knows anything about. That person is one of those types that just doesn't share. Now for us talkers, that is really hard.

Where it may become extremely difficult is when someone asks a direct question that requires an answer that may be too revealing. That is a decision point that can be anticipated in some ways yet can mostly only be dealt with at the moment of the question. Then it may depend on the surprise factor of the question and one's ability to provide as short and convincing answer as possible so as to not encourage more direct questions like that. I think as others have already stated, one needs to decide how they will react to those moments and then for how long they will let those moments bother their own inner peace. So, that is where I like all those old sayings like "Shit happens, so deal with it", "It is only a moment and it will eventually pass", and finally "Develop a thick skin". Good luck.

[Persephone]

What is difficult is for people who like to talk and socialize and use past experiences in their conversations when making a point or empathizing with someone else's issues

I think you beautifully sumarized what I was refering to, Allie.

Out of the blue it happened to me last week. I said something about having been somewhere with someone and the person I was talking to turned out to know all about that particular event. As it had been attended by a small number of people he may have even known that there was no woman with my name in attendance.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[AllieSF]

I recognized a potential problem for me in your post. I love to talk, for all the reasons good and bad. For me to keep quiet is really hard. My personality is who I am and hard to truly control in a fun social setting. Though, I am trying harder now. I am pretty quick on my feet in awkward situations, that is, most of the time. So, I naturally wonder what would happen top me if caught totally off guard by one of those direct questions, or whether I just may out myself to someone who may have seen me, not knowing it was me, but just the same remembered that moment, and then I open my mouth by relating something to that event. Not too hard to put 1 and 1 together.

[Eryn]

To a certain extent, your past need not have a gender. The difficulty arises when discussing specific events or particularly masculine events. Not much you can do about specific meetings except hope that the people you talk to will attribute gender anomalies to faulty memories, but this is difficult to do when they are showing you a photograph of your male self in the group!

One area where I have difficulty is when I am en femme and in a conversation with a mixed group, some of whom don't know that I am TG. I don't perceive myself as having distinct male and female personalities so I have to be careful to remember that most females my age didn't have a fondness for motorcycle racing in their youth. Same thing with "handy" skills like welding and carpentry. I have a hard enough time maintaining their image of myself as a female in their eyes without that.

Persephone, in the case that you are mentioning, I think that there will have to be a certain level of awareness that you are TG, but I also think that the group of people involved are, as a whole, very accepting of TG individuals and will perceive the different gender as just another change that one might go through in life. Those who cannot accept that will have to rationalize things with the "twin brother" concept.

[DeeDee1974]

I don't go around screaming I'm trans from the rooftops. That being said, I will never deny it. First because I have had relative success since starting my transition from a career standpoint. So I would want someone who is struggling to know there is a chance out there in this crazy sometimes world.

Second, if we just disappear, where are the advocates for the generation?

[Rogina B]

I am politically active in promoting legal protection of transgender rights here in NE Florida.I put myself out there because I am not afraid of any backlash. Socially,I feel that acceptance and inclusion are two different parts on the way toward socially transitioning.. I believe Persephone that those that were genuine,will still be.

[I Am Paula]

Rogina- When I'm volunteering at PRIDE, I wear a tee shirt announcing my status. When I go to a nice restaurant, I make no claims to being anything but a girl. You CAN have it both ways.

[Rogina B]

Paula,Way too many feel that they can't! Thus we lack visual support when needed...These City council meeting are all about being there!

[Billiejosehine]

When we are faced with telling people things about who we are, where we have been, and where we are going. It leaves us vulnerable to the other persons reactions and what they would do with this new information. Especially if they become part of or everyday lives. So when we ask what we should reveal and/or conceal. We must also consider if we trust someone enough to reveal such intimate details or do we keep things concealed for fear of what might happen and/or to protect our inner being.

For me I'm at the beginning process of transitioning, so while I'm living two lives, most people still know me as William and nothing of Billie. As I go further along my journey and Billie becomes part of everyday life and William fades away. I'm sure I will eventually meet new people that will not know about my past. So finding a way to integrate my past, what to reveal, or what to conceal will be an important thing to consider.

[Rogina B]

Someone can conceal their past life,for sure.However,a person needs a thick skin with a healthy dose of confidence.A post op,long transitioned local friend,just had their world turned inside out by a female supervisor at work.The supervisor did some dirt digging and it went downhill from there.A thicker skin and better confidence would help her a lot.Had there been a Transgender inclusive Human Rights Ordinance in place here,I doubt the supervisor would have created such a problem.

[I Am Paula]

There will always be the ones who have to snoop 'for the greater good'. No matter how well you cover your tracks, some amateur sleuth will find your past somewhere. We just hope that person is powerless and benign.
I occasionally google myself, to see what tracks I have left. There's a lot under my old name. Since my new identity uses the same last name, I will never be free (and I don't really care) of those who can connect dots. Even under my new first name, I'm starting to accumulate info. Both come up on the same page of google.