How to Make It Not About Yourself?

[Rachel Smith]

As ya'll know I am going home for Easter.

My brothers Mother-in-Law will be there. It has been suggestedd by Mom, Dad and my sister, Susan, that I don't come as Rachel. I really don't want to ruin the holiday for them but I REALLY don't want to dress as Randy either. So if I go as me, Rachel, I feel I will make it about me. Yet if I don't go and choose to stay at my parents I feel this also will make it about me. If I can't go as me I would just as soon stay at my parents house.

Very Confused
Rachel

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Have you transitioned or living full time as Rachel?

[stefan37]

Since you are full time I would go as you however you feel comfortable. Maybe tone your outfit a bit, but don't compromise who you are.

[I Am Paula]

I was faced with the similar dilemma last month. Being full time, yet being asked for political/family reasons to present male for one person. After lots of soul searching, I decided that my own integrity trumped all others, and that nobody could tell me how to live.
The aftermath. My wife and I will now spend holidays at separate homes. I am persona non grata at my father in law's.
Did I win?-yes Did I lose?- yes.
In your situation, I don't see it so much about 'making it about yourself'. If your relatives have never seen the real you, you will be the center of attention for a while, but that will pass, and you can just enjoy your Easter. People get bored fast, and soon the center of attention will turn to dinner, and other matters.
Do you feel strongly that sooner or later everyone in your family will have to get to know Rachel? If so, why not do it now?

[Kelly DeWinter]

It would seem to me that this is a discussion between your brother and you since it is his Mother in Law. also if you are already out and about as rachel, you should just be yourself. Go talk to your brother. The rest of your family is drawing a very unfair line.

[Michelle.M]

OK, let me get this straight. You are Rachel and they want you to go as somebody else? And all because . . . why? Because you being Rachel makes somebody feel uncomfortable? So you can bear the burden for someone else’s confusion instead of them taking responsibility for their own feelings and having a simple conversation with you that would lead to understanding?

I don’t want this to sound like a joke, but substitute Rachel / Randy for any other options:

I don’t want you to come with your spouse, I want you to come alone.
I don’t want you to come as black, I want you to come as white.
I don’t want you to come as physically disabled, I want you to come without your wheelchair.
I don’t want you to come as gay, I want you to come as straight.
I don’t want you to come as liberal, I want you to come as conservative.

Of course we all want to be welcomed, we all want to do the things that make others see us as pleasant to be with and make them happy to have invited us. But at what price?

I would not let anyone tell me who to be. And don’t let anyone lay a guilt trip on you by blaming you for disappointing others if you decide to opt out. It is THEY who are disappointing YOU with their non-acceptance.

[Rachel Smith]

Yes Kaitlyn I have transitioned. I live in Va they live in PA. My family knows that I have transitioned. I have not been home since I transitioned. The last time I was home for a holiday was Christmas of 2012 when I decided on Christmas Eve it was a good time to die. My attempt ruined that holiday for them and I just don't want to ruin another one and have the focus on me instead of the day as I did then.

Michelle M. point taken, thank you.

Paula yes they will all get to me as I am now and really have always been.

Kelly I was thinking the same thing but didn't know if that was a good way to go.

[Jorja]

You have transitioned. You are Rachel! Go as Rachel! They don't like it, tell them to grow up and get over it. OR, don't go at all.

[arbon]

Your not the one making a big issue of it, other people are. Thats their deal.



I don't think you should go as anything but yourself.

[MsVal]

How about turning it around on them and making it their decision, not yours?

"I am no longer Randy. Would you like Rachel to come?"

Best wishes
MsVal

[kimdl93]

It seems to me that you have the right to go as you choose. Its not making it about you...its about being you. Explain to your parents that this is a permanent, real change. You're not doing it to get attention, but rather to be true to yourself as a human being. Until they can accept that reality, and welcome you on those terms, then you may have to regretfully take a pass on the holiday. Otherwise, it will be the same with each succeeding family gathering.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yes Kaitlyn I have transitioned. I live in Va they live in PA. My family knows that I have transitioned. I have not been home since I transitioned. The last time I was home for a holiday was Christmas of 2012 when I decided on Christmas Eve it was a good time to die. My attempt ruined that holiday for them and I just don't want to ruin another one and have the focus on me instead of the day as I did then.


Just wondering. Then its a crystal clear answer its just how you deal with it.
and I am sorry you feel you ruined their holiday in the past.. you didn't.

I have been through it, I started with a thanksgiving, every one got easier and easier

It's very unfair of your family to play these politics.
Its not your brother coming to you, its others.
I guess maybe your brother is behind them coming to you, but then that's really wrong.

You ARE Rachel. It's not Halloween, its easter!!

I know its all easy to say as compared to doing it, but now's a time to stand on your values and principles

[Jorja]

Yes, it is easy to say. But.... if you do not stand up for yourself, nobody else will. It is high time your family learns a lesson. You are the only one that can teach that.

[Rachel Smith]

You all are a most wonderful collection of women. Thanks to ya'll I feel better about it already.

Hugs
Rachel

[Kelly DeWinter]

I didn't realize you had transitioned, go as yourself. You have to be yourself at all other times, just talk to your brother. It sounds like your family have not gotten used to the idea, just be prepared to leave early if YOU are the one who is made to feel uncomfortable.

[wanagione]

Rachel, it seems to me you have made your choice, you have transitioned and you ARE Rachel. I sorry that your family has but this on you and not taken a stand to accepct the fact that you are rachel. you said you haven't been home in 2 yrs, why is that? that is a retorical question. I hope you come to peace with this one and try to stay positive.

[Cheyenne Skye]

If not now, then when? They have to get used to you the way you are now unless you're planning to write off your family.

[Angela Campbell]

It is about you. You must keep it that way.

[mechamoose]

My Gramma on my Dad's side had 12 kids. We used to get together every Saturday at her house. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. Candlepin bowling on TV, hot dogs & beans. (To this day, I smell hot dogs & beans when I watch someone bowling)

We got together every month to celebrate the birthdays for that month. We did every holiday together. Xmas was a madhouse.

As an adult, and after I became Pagan, after I was genderfluid, I got bad feedback from portions of my family (We had a bunch of fundamentalists in the family at that point) I just stopped going. I wanted to be with my family, but because I knew they didn't accept me for Who I Was, I didn't want to be around them. When I did go to an event like a wedding or a death, people were happy to see me. But I knew that deep inside, they didn't *accept* me. Even if they didn't say it, it made me uncomfortable.

If you can go and be yourself and be confident, then I say do so. If not. Why go?

<3

- MM

[PaulaQ]

It's only about you if they make it about you. Be yourself. You have no control over their reactions regardless. In fact, their reactions are not about you at all. They are about them.

[VanTG]

I have to agree with Jorja, go as Rachel or don't go at all. People make such a big deal about Holidays, when in reality they are some of the most depressing times of the year for people. Do what you want and forget about others.

[Chickhe]

Suppose you you wear just one or two items to provoke conversation and to feel like you didn't completely sell out, but otherwise dress inconspicuously. Explain to the host that you didn't dress fully because you didn't want t make them feel uncomfortable, but explain in the future you are going to dress fully. If they are a good host, they will tell you to dress however you want in the future...if not, it will be easier to plan a different dinner next time.

[Shellycd12]

Since you have transitioned, I would most certainly go as Rachel. That is who you are.
Hope all goes well.

Shelly

[sandra-leigh]

You are Rachel and they want you to go as somebody else? And all because . . . why? Because you being Rachel makes somebody feel uncomfortable?

Is that known, that it would make your mother in law uncomfortable? Or is it merely feared? Or is your family embarrassed to have you seen that way?


"I am no longer Randy. Would you like Rachel to come?"

I rather like that approach.

Musing for a moment, if Rachel's brother's Mother-in-Law does not know the situation, then the family could ask her, "We would like to invite our daughter Rachel, would that be okay?". If she doesn't say (for example), "Well, it would be okay with me as long as she is not a tax collector or a Muslim or a transsexual woman", then it becomes up to the mother-in-law to deal with any discomfort she might feel.

[noeleena]

Hi,

What i have done is dress in a nice pair of shorts a tee top a sun hat and sneakers and black or white socks no makeup as dont any way no earings and i dont care if i do or not .

now as you know every one here in Waimate knows me so i went walking down the high street shoping center and a friend comes up behind me and say 's hi noeleena wow you look lovely today. well herei was and Jos and i talked about what to wear to our son his wife and wee boy this was 3 years ago.

So much for myself trying to look like a guy, it just did not work.
Any way this is how i dressed when Jos and I went to our son's place, and they were okay ,
Now since then just after xmas i came back from our camp 250 people Renaissance and i was dressed as normal as a wench quess who was at Jos's house nathan -son his wife and now of cause thier son and new baby,

oh right i thought ooops, not a word and we got on as normal , earing's neckless the works,

I mean i dress in very different garb = clothes.

Im a female and nathan has had issues because of my difference yes to him im a male just not a normal male and his fear is his son may turn out like me a male female yes nathan knows im intersexed that does not make it any easyer. for him im not prepared to loose nathan for the sake of wearing my normal female clothes they are not important i could wear a sack i dont care a dam , im a female how i dress does not matter my son does,

As i said years ago over 10 if it takes 5 10 or 20 years i dont care ill try not to put a stumbling block in his way,

Whats the most importaint thing in your life, for me its our Jos and I family not my clothes or what i wear ill wear my bib overalls shorts what ever nothing changes because i dont wear female clothes,

Listen Iv ...HURT....my family enough over 20 years, because of being an intersexed female who was percived as male my clothes are nothing more than rags if i loose members of our family,

just because nathan asked me not to in front of Aaron nathans son listen in 5 or so years he'll be 8 still have him as a grandson, by then it will be okay..

if my clothes are more importaint than my / our family then i'v lost the plot,

Yes i'm weird or mad insane dont care ,.....my family i do care about,

Better get me flack jacket. Ill be taken down on this for sure,

...noeleena...

[Rianna Humble]

Suppose you you wear just one or two items to provoke conversation and to feel like you didn't completely sell out, but otherwise dress inconspicuously.

Rachel is not a crossdresser. If you were inviting a GG to go to a party where you knew there would be gay men, would you suggest she disguise herself as a man apart from wearing "just one or two items to provoke conversation and to feel like you didn't completely sell out, but otherwise dress inconspicuously."? What you are suggesting or Rachel is equally outrageous.

[FurPus63]

Rachel;
When you decided to transition, you made a choice (hard as it may have been) to live your life (the rest of your life) as a woman. I made that decision myself two years ago. Since then I have lost my wife, my siblings, my nephews and nieces, and a dear uncle/godfather. Most of my family (except for one sister) is totally against what I am doing. They have no empathy for me and I have no relationship with any of them. Because of the persistance of my older sister, I was invitied twice to Christmas for dessert. Other than that, I have not attended any family events at all. I went both times as my true self. I wasn't about to let anything interfere with my goal of a complete transition.

A few months ago, my mother's favorite cousin died. I had to make a decision about going or not to go, etc.... I decided to attend the wake and the funeral. There are some people in my family who hate me for what I did. They insult me every time they see me. Despite this, I still attended. I went because of my love for my "aunt" and her family. I had a wonderful time talking to cousins I hadn't seen in years. Most of my cousins have no problem with what I've done. It's my immediate family that does!! It's unreal.

My point is that when we choose to transition. That's it. We should never "go back" or present ourselves as our "male-selves" (lack of better term) for anyone or any reason. You are Rachel. I am Paulette. We need to live our lives based on who we truly are. Not worry and care about what others think, want, desire, feel comfortable with, etc.... all of that is transfered guilt that others want to project onto us. Just let it go! You have nothing to be ashamed of for being who you are. That's the bottom line on this. Yes we make sacrafices and we lose loved ones, family, etc.... but to me, it's all worth it! I am a woman! Living my life as a woman! That's the truth! That's who and what I am! So.....I do whatever it takes to live my life, as myself!

If you are Christian (and I'm assuming you are since you are celebrating Easter) than pray about it. A lot of times, things don't go as badly as we imagine they will. We create negative scenarios in our minds, when in reality, nothing even close to what we imagine ends up happening in reality. Think about this.

Paulette

[becky77]

I'm afraid you have to be selfish in this, how can you succeed in being yourself if you let others dictate how it will be?
Hope for the best but assume the worse.
If it is one person with an issue, let her prejudice keep her away not you. You either face up to it or run away, if you run away though, what of next time?

[Kathryn Martin]

It has been suggestedd by Mom, Dad and my sister, Susan, that I don't come as Rachel. I really don't want to ruin the holiday for them but I REALLY don't want to dress as Randy either.

Who is Randy? Please read the quoted sentence. How are you ruining anyone's holiday coming home as yourself? You know you say :How to not make it about yourself?but really who is making it about themselves here. It's like asking your mom to attend as you dad because it offends your sensibilities. You should not be confused. How long until you are no longer required to play an act to cater to their sensibilities. I would be offended

[Rachel Smith]

Thank you all. Rachel is leaving for her parents house today and she WILL be herself throughout the weekend.

Noleena I respect your view and felt the same way but since my granddaughter will not attend I will either go as myself, Rachel, or not go. I spent 57 years not being me do to what we perceive as societal expectations. I desire not to go back there, to the GD and alcohol to get through such an event.

Hugs to all that helped give me the courage to keep moving forward
Rachel

[noeleena]

Hi, Rachel,

I fully understand that and what / who you are thats not an issue because im not transexual its very different for myself i think you know and understand i did not change from male to female or female to male so what i wear is allso not an issue for myself .

okay i know its very different for you, i hope i understand .....,now im lost for words, oh dear....

Think i'v got it. because i did not change from male to female i dont understand fully what you have gone through and how you think your mind set, your Emotions and whats involved, i have a good idear and ...yes some understanding. sure not fully.

I do see things that relate to ...our.... issues are quite different in many ways , of cause you must do what you ...need ...to .

what hurts me is about your grandaughter that cuts me to the bone and the same for our Dejarn, that would kill me if i could not see her. shes more than special to me yea i know family.

Hope your day is going well. i really do.....

...noeleena...

[I Am Paula]

Rachel. I think you have made the right descision. I, and I hope all the girls here, hope your Easter goes as smoothly as possible. It was a tough choice. I faced it and (sorta) came out ahead. (lost one person). In the long run I made the right choice.
Good luck, and stay well.

[Jorja]

I wish there was a report on how things went.

[Rachel Smith]

It wasn't all about me. I will make a full post later, no time right now. It was all good.

[rian]

Dear Rachel
Some times you have to bend like a tree in-front of the strong wind in order to survive ...Yes go to see your brothers ...in your normal image just to keep in good terms with your family that do not like seeing you as a lady ...so what ???/ you can visit and go back to yourself as Rachel....Yes bend in-front the wind

[arbon]

rian - I think her normal image is Rachel.

[Rachel Smith]

I was nervous as a worm surrounded by robins. As usual I foresaw it to be much worse than it was. Mom and Dad met Rachel for the first time on Friday evening at about 6:30. They were so nice, didn't bat an eye really but didn't say I looked good either. That was that and I spent every minute there as the real me. It took until Sunday for one of them to call me Rachel, more on that later. We spent some time catching up then Dad and I watched the Phillies game.

Saturday Dad and I went to get a new Weber grill I had ordered. After I took Dad home I went back out shopping for some things I can't get in VA., at least the part I am in. Then I took the advice in some of the replies to my OP, Kelly DeWinter, made one that comes to mind. TALK TO YOUR BROTHER. So when I was done shopping I called him and ask if I could stop by for a bit. He said sure, anytime. So I headed back to his place. He didn't bat an eye either. Then my sister-in-law came out and she ask if I was coming on Sunday. I said I would like to but Mom and Dad, which was incorrect it was my Mom and Susan, that were concerned about how it would affect your mother. She said she hadn't talked to her Mom about it, had no reason to. Then she said but you just come and be yourself it will be fine and so will my mother. Then my brother said you are welcome at our house anytime. I had never experienced such acceptance, it was overwhelming. Those two will never know the joy they gave me. I called sister Judy and told her as I wasn't sure she was all that comfortable with it. I went back to Mom and Dad's and told them I was going to be me tomorrow. Mom said I thought you weren't going to do that. I replied that both Gail and Bill said it was OK to be me and since this, Rachel, is who I am that is how I am going. Dad and I watched another Phillies game and chatted some.

Sunday came and it was time to leave for Bill's. I was in the basement smoking a cigarette when Mom opened the basement door looked at me and said Rachel are you ready? I said I am going to drive back myself, thought that was better in case it didn't go well. Then I said do I look alright she said yes you do. When she closed the door I sat on the steps and cried. Not out of sadness but happiness from her calling me Rachel, it was a very touching moment for me as if it somehow validated her acceptance of me. Dad never did call me Rachel but I am sure it is a little harder for him as he might see it as losing a son. Gail was the only one that called me Rachel on Sunday. She forgot a couple times but it takes time at least she tried. That meant a lot to me. You can't change 59 years in a day.

Judy arrived gave me a hug as usual and was OK with me. Susan came and smiled like she was pleased with my appearance and happy to see me happy. Her son Ryan came over and put out his hand but when I opened my arms he hugged me instead. Susan's other son Phillip came over, didn't hesitate he just hugged me too. That was a very nice feeling from both of them. Hugs beat handshakes all to hell. Gail's mother never said a word about me but didn't seem put off by Rachel either. After we ate we all watched the Flyers game. I stayed longer then I had stayed in years.

I left before Mom and Dad or Gail's Mom I just thought it would give them all time to have a discussion if they wanted to. I did sort of feel like the elephant in the room no one wanted to talk about. Don't get me wrong there was some good conversation throughout the day just no questions were ask of me but then again I got exactly what I wanted for it not to be all about me.

I would like to take a moment to thank all you wonderful ladies here for giving me the push and the courage I needed to succeed and move forward. In my head I kept hearing your words, go as Rachel it's who you are, go as Rachel or don't go, talk to your brother it's his MIL that they are worried about, don't cave, etc.

I only hope someday I can return the favor.

I hope that your Easter was as fruitful, wonderful and full of love as mine.

Hugs to all
Rachel

[Valerie]

How wonderful, Rachel! Thanks for sharing this happy and very moving Easter day with your family. Whenever I need courage, I will think back to your question, the comments you received, and your decision. I hope this Easter is the first of many other happy days with your family! A big hug (if I may)

[Badtranny]

Suppose you you wear just one or two items to provoke conversation and to feel like you didn't completely sell out, but otherwise dress inconspicuously. Explain to the host that you didn't dress fully because you didn't want t make them feel uncomfortable, but explain in the future you are going to dress fully..

LOL yes don't go fully dressed, that' will make an impression for sure. '-)

Anyhoo, these situations are hard for me to understand. Have you changed your name? Are you going AS Rachel, or is your name actually Rachel?

I try to imagine myself and what I would do if somebody asked me to attend something as the dude I used to be. I think I would tell them, "okay, you can call me whatever you want I guess, but do you mind if I wear jeans and a T-shirt?"
The facts is, my name is legally changed and with my surgically altered body and face, not to mention the permanent eye liner I recently had done, I'm afraid anybody expecting the dude they used to know is going to be sorely disappointed.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is if you want to go but not cause a scene, just dress down. Put in some studs, wear jeans, etc go easy on the makeup and just be yourself. I don't think it's that big of a deal really, they need time to adapt and get to know the you that you've been hiding for, ...for your whole life. Be cool about it and they will see that you're a better version of the person they thought they knew?

Have you transitioned or not? If so, then flipping back and forth just makes people think it's about clothes.

[Wildaboutheels]

Randy is gone. To go as Randy would just feed their ignorance... that dressing up and switching sexes is just a hobby to you.

And should you decide to not go at all, what about next year and the year after? Take the bull by the horns and go as yourself. Some of your relatives will "get it" and some might never. Better to show them in person and allow them an OPPORTUNITY to ask you any questions they might have rather than have nothing but [likely] negative opinions about you kicked around if you don't go.

I see that there was a happy ending.

B R A V O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

[I Am Paula]

Rachel, I'm so glad it went as it did. I found, as you did, that the hardest part was getting them to use your new name, but it feels so good when they do. I also found, that even if you ask if anyone has questions, or you expect questions, none come.
All your future family gatherings will be so easy now. If one person has a problem, they will be the minority at an event you are welcome.
You are Rachel, now your family knows that. You go girl.

[rian]

Dear Rachel
i'm happy that you have confronted your herucain and succeeded...I wish you a better relation with your family my dear ....lov u

[PretzelGirl]

Rachel, that isn't just progress but is also some great acceptance. I am glad you decided to be you and that all went well. I have already been asked once to dress in male clothes for a particular family and gently explained why that won't be happening in the future. It isn't an easy thing for some to understand, but holding your ground and most of all, being consistent is what is going to help their understanding grow. I am happy for you that it went well!

[becky77]

Well done Rachel. Must be a weight of your mind.

Sometimes its fear of the unknown, some of my family expected some kind of Transvestite stereotype. No idea what that is but they showed relief I was just normal looking.
Sadly we are often misrepresented, by the more flamboyant of the transgender umbrella.

[FurPus63]

Rachel;

I'm so happy for you! I really am. Truly you have had a Blessed experience. However; just a word of caution (not to rain on your Easter Day Parade, lol) it might not last. Sometimes family members will "do the right thing," under certain circumstances because of a feeling of family obligation and the fact that most of us are raised to be polite, courtious, etc.... I have found the longer my transition transpires, the harder it seems to be for family members to really come to grips with this and treat me the way I want to be treated. Loved the way I want to be loved. Accepted and respected the way I really wish it could be.

I have had an aweful time with my family. I hope and pray for your sake, it doesn't take that turn for you. As I read your post and heard how you felt like the elephant in the room, I can identify with those feelings exactly. Something I strongly feel needs to be discussed is just ignored. As long as it is, there will always be moments of awkardness experienced by you and your relatives. It's so hard for people, especially men, to talk about their feelings. Yet so important that they do. I wish you all the luck and continued blessings moving forward. It would be so cool, if you and your relatives could get together with you and talk about all those unanswered and undiscussed thoughts, feelings, and questions they all must have.

I always want family therapy for everyone. It's so beneficial. Yet rarely takes place.

Keep those feelings of joy in your heart and it is so cool you were able to enjoy a holiday, especially one so important as Easter. Please keep us in touch with more developments. This is the place to go with all your thoughts and feelings.

Love,

Paulette

[Rachel Smith]

Paulette I was hoping it was just because of the coming clean or out (but I prefer clean) letter I sent them way back when. You can read it here in the Coming Out Letters thread.

I also forwarded them a copy of my post here with very few changes in hopes that they would feel more comfortable talking about it.