Are you "ashamed" of yourself?

[Rogina B]

By observation,it seems that many members are in a "top secret" mode to do with their interest in "Tness,femininity,transsexuality,etc"[You fill in your own word that suits]. Many people are concerned that someone "that has a different perception of them" could find out..Internet interests,signing petitions,writing letters,etc COULD expose them...So my question is what exactly is the negative that is being exposed? How do you honestly feel about this part of you that draws you "to your dark side"? Are you ashamed? Embarrassed?

[GaleWarning]

How I wish that it could be possible to wear whatever we wanted to, without other people making a judgment about us.
The problem is not confined to cross dressers.
Hijab wearers are stereotyped.
Hoodie wearers are stereotyped.
...

The real person can only be determined by getting to know them, and most of the time, we are just lovely, harmless, normal human beings. As such a person myself, why should I feel ashamed or embarrassed?

The shame and emaberrassment lie with the one who judges me.

[CarlaWestin]

From my point of view, I find nothing wrong with being exposed. It's just the primitive conclusions that others are instilled with and their prejudiced, superstitious assumptions about crossdressers in general. Let's face it, there are very few success and full acceptance stories for those of us who've gone full time. Personally, I'm in top secret mode everywhere except at home and out in the general public where I can just blend in or be a novelty story for some strangers conversation. When I retire though, everyone will meet Carla.

An added note: I'm not at all ashamed of being Carla. I'm really proud of it.

[Kate Simmons]

Not at all Rogina. I celebrate the fact that I'm a full spectrum person and embrace it. :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Rogina,

Before I embraced this part of me . . . you bet. I was guy, a dude, a man and dressing up in women's clothing seemed counter to that. Now, not a all. I have come to accept "girl clothes" or "guy clothes" I am still the same man I always was but in a way a bit better because I have ceased hating a wonderful part of me. Do I run around handing out "Hi my name is Isha and I am TG cards"? No, but I don't hide who I am from others either. I go out dressed, I have come out to several friends and all of my family.

Hugs

Isha

[Jenny Elwood]

I don't feel ashamed but guilty. Before I get lambasted please note that what I am about to say is my personal opinion:

I am still a Christian believer and I can never get past the fact that my wife may be right in expecting me to quit.

[AngelaKelly<3]

I sometimes feel a bit ashamed, but that's down to the fact that it's not widely accepted what we do :(

Maybe "ashamed" isn't the right word, but every now and then I'll stop and think "What the hell am I doing?!"

[kimdl93]

Like many of us, I grew up within the context of a belief system and a society that at least implied that gender differences were an aberration and "sinful". (Why it didn't make the top ten, I don't know). I felt guilty for much of my life. A healthy and more open attitude only became possible after shedding that guilt and the instilled beliefs. Of course, there will be others who insist that its "wrong" and seek to impose shame, but they no longer get to decide how I think and feel about myself.

[suzy1]

If I was ‘found out’ by my family, friends and the people I work with my life would never be the same again.
This has got nothing to do with being ashamed, its simply called........... 'common sense'

The life of a realist has its advantages:)

[Allisa]

Dark side? I can only speak for myself but I have embraced my femme self but I can't fight nature and deny my true masc. self. I also believe that self sacrifice for the good of others is a more femme trait thus my not wanting to "embarrass" those that I love and care about. I also work in a very masc. field and why add more grief to my life, I still have to survive in this world as imperfect as it may be. I shop as Al and have no trepidation or shame in trying on clothes, shoes etc.. and letting any one know that I am a crossdresser, what would be the odds anyone I know would be there or see me and if so I guess the cat would be out of the bag and the sun would come up tomorrow (sounds like a song).Well enough thinking for in the morning, lost my coffee buzz now. I hoped I answered your question in some way.


Bye-Bye (Al)Lisa

[natcrys]

Not ashamed at all.. but also not blind to reality and to the fact that I and others that I care about will be negatively affected because of this imperfect and unfair world.

[Lorileah]

I have been ashamed (just last night I was ashamed for trying a song that I had no right to try). Yes, early on when I started I was ashamed because I was told that it wasn't right. But I have been told that a lot about a lot of things. Now, I am not only NOT ashamed I am proud of who I am

[Nadine Spirit]

I agree with Lorileah. I was ashamed at one point in my life, but now I am proud of who I am.

[Ressie]

Sure I feel shame and guilt every once in a while. Mostly because this is a fetish for me. If I were to come out to friends and family I still wouldn't want to tell them it's a fetish. But talking about sexual turn ons is taboo for most people, even on this forum.

[Annaliese]

I used to be, ashamed of my self, but I have shed society view of me, that has freed me. To be my self.

[Stephanie Julianna]

You have no idea how timely this question is for me. Last night I inadvertantly left this site up on the computer and my wife read many of my threads ands answers to others. I have been applauded for my honesty and advice here and, as I have said before, some of you are making me feel like the Yoda of crossdressers here. I just recently found out I even have a small fan club in England. I am proud of my contribution here as small as it is. All that being said, she was very distraught with what she read and saw, not having seen a picture of Step in more then 30 years. Today is our 43rd Anniversary so the timing was not good. One comment she read was my answer about SRS in which I said I would have done knowing what I know now. She did not read further to see the caviate that I could only have done that not knowing my love for her, my kids or grandchildren. I tried to explain that all the qualities that make up the person she thinks she has loved over all the years has always included me as Stephanie as well. I'm a sum total of all the parts that I am aware of at this time since I am a work in progress. Sometimes I feel that I am a thousand piece puzzle and I have not found all the straight pieces (no pun intended) that make up the frame. However, while we had this conversation I promised myself that I was not going to sound ashamed or sorry for who and what I am. I'm done with that feeling. I don't fault her for not understanding my need to dress and to feel pretty at times. I don't really undertand it either and I probably never will. It's just who I am. I surely don't want to hurt her or my family by doing this but in my own privacy I have to be true to myself as well. She is worried about what will happen when we retire and have more time together. I'm concerned as well since I don't dress much as it is and money will be tight. But I figured it out before and I'll work it out again. I can't convert her into someone she is not anymore than I can change myself. So in answer to your question, "Ashamed?" Never! Concerned? Always.

[EllieOPKS]

Ressie I agree with you. For me this is a fetish as well. I love dressing up and being girly but it is more of a sexual thing. As far as being embarrassed - That would only happen if I got caught and I would be embarrassed. In my situation, if I were ever caught it would be devastating. I would lose friends and family so I will keep things locked tightly in the closet.

[Beverley Sims]

I would be embarrassed for some others to find out.

[Katey888]

Rogina - I'm understanding that having "dark side" in quotations is either tongue-in-cheek or a reference to the way the muggles perceive these drives and passions we have... And I'm with you there... :)

In fact, it's those perceptions that have caused me to maintain my top secret existence (well - perhaps just 'secret' as I'm out to you lot!) - I'm no longer ashamed or embarrassed for myself... I'm pleased to say the past 5 months reading the positive, affirming, educational and often poignant threads on this site have brought me to a better (although incomplete) understanding of who - or what - I am. I would not feel embarrassed at all about supporting any sort of TG/TS rights via petitions, letters - even to the extent that I'm now thinking of how I can spend some time on charitable work here for the community... no probs at all with any of that.

The secrecy is a barrier against my fear of what others who are not understanding, or worse, MISunderstanding of what this means to us, will think..
Specifically, my dear wife, sons, family... I'm less worried about friends, strangely. And you've captured why already - because most folk do perceive this as a dark side - clearly there would be something wrong with me; I have a screw loose; not playing with a full deck.. or worse - I'm a pervert; a deviant...

Fear - for me - is there to be overcome sometime - but not shame... :)

Katey x

[arbon]

I was terribly ashamed of myself. It was not acceptable, in my mind, to be one of those people. It went so far as to be very anti lgbt at times in my life (which was stupid since when I was younger everyone already thought I was gay!) - it was a lot of dishonesty with myself driven by fear of being rejected.

When I was finally outed it was a huge shock for me and I really considered killing myself. But It ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me.

When I look back at how wrapped up in fear I was it amazes me that I lived like that. Today I am very happy, free to be myself with no fear or shame about who or what I am.

[Amanda M]

I'm not ashamed of myself at all. Why on Earth should I be? Look, I like to wear a dress. I like to wear my kilt too. I like to wear my jeans (a bit girly, mind) and a T and chill with my two best male buddies.

However, there is a downside to being completely open, depending on your geographical and social situation.

In my specific case, it could be the loss of some erstwhile friends.
Loss of my income, such as it is, because clients are scarce!

Other than that, what people might think, I don't really care. I have no other living relatives, except for my wife, who is fine with it.

Now, that's OK for me. However, if I had a couple of young kids, depending on my job to pay a mortgage and keep food on the table, and was afraid that if my wife found out, my marriage would be over, I ratther suspect I would be singing to a different tune!

[Terraforming]

When I was younger, all I felt was shame. All I knew about transgender people was what I saw from the media, which was at best a laughing stock and at worst signs that I was a serial killer. Discovering online information and message boards really helped me in my mid teens, that and a growing acceptance from the general public. I still feel some shame when I get misgendered in public, but I've still got a long way to go, so it's okay.

[sara lahna]

Ashamed, no. I my girl side between me and the SO because i have 4 young kids (8 and younger) and we live in a small town (not even big enough to be called a town) that there grandparent also live in and the are Jehovah's witness, that 2 of my girls are a part of. I don't tell people to keep there relationship safe. Some times it's a matter of putting others first then it is because of being ashamed.

[Rogina B]

I purposely used the term"dark side" to cover the fetish dressers. It sure seems like only those that have shed the shame and fear can be expected to "see the bigger picture" and hopefully support the "T" movement as best they can. If some of us can further this "T"cause,then the "haters,or angry mobs with torches and forks" will just have to find someone new to pick on. Many here fear the "perception" of their "T" ness by the main stream,so advocating for protections via education should be an easy one for forum members to support.

[KittyD]

Nop not ashamed by having the best of both worlds! In fact I post myself up on YouTube for the whole world to see "The hoRRor" The way I see it, Its my life and my time and I can do what the hell I like when I like!
I totally understand its hard for some to open up about it and for a time it was for me as well, but there has to come a point when you say "If I don't go for it now, I'll never feel whole or happiness."
The video is called "Crossdressing behind closed doors." There you will see not only me in my MAN suit, again "The hoRRor" but an open and quite frank man making his/her way through life...
What I do is pretty much unlike anyone else in the CD world and push boundaries... I wont put my channel link here because I'm not here to plug my channel, I don't make what I love to make money.
I make them because it actually helps others out and gives them a boost to see another CD take the bull by the horns... My life, my time...my rules... :a

[AllieSF]

This question has been asked here almost as many times as the what color are your panties has. I see a connection of this thread with your other thread about why not carry the flag for the betterment of all.

From what I have read here over the last year and the last 7+ years that I have been here, these are some of the reasons, and there are probably many more:

* Some are ashamed
* Some are not out to their wives and fear discovery
* Some are worried about being found out by others and fear about negative repercussions at work, church, among friends and family
* Some are worried about the potential risk to their continued employment, which let's them live and support their families
* Some consider it a dark side of themselves, which is not to be revealed
* Some like me never felt any shame
* Some are the background supporters, voting for our cause supporting candidates and rights protecting legislation
* Some just live their lives without a lot of involvement in social causes of any type
* Some are drawn to their dark side because it is in their jeans, Ooops! .... genes
* and so on

As you know, people make decisions many times during each day of their lives. They weigh the pros and cons for most of those decisions. So, regardless what we third parties may think or assume, they are doing the best they can with the tools and experiences that they have. We really have no reason to continually question their actions, lack of actions and decisions.

Rogina, I just read your second post and understand where you are coming from and that you would like more of us to support the "cause" for the betterment of all of us, which is good and I support that concept, but your choice of words sometimes leaves me wondering. Are you saying that someone who is into the fetish side of life is on the dark side? The way you use it to me makes me think that bit is bad and should be on the dark obscure side. Why? Hell, crossdressing is thought to be on the dark side by some and that is exactly what you are trying to brighten up, so to speak. Why classify a fetish as dark?

In my opinion you are also probably unwittingly promoting that false belief of extreme danger when going out and instilling more fear into those that may actually want to go out into the real world and become on the ground ambassadors for us when you use that worn out and not true phrase about "haters, or angry mobs with torches and forks". It sounds cute but to me sends the wrong message to those that are struggling with the idea of going out or staying in. They exist, but not as mobs. They are more rare than common and send the totally incorrect warning that "They are out there so be very careful, or better yet stay safe at home in your closet". I encourage people to go out more because there are no mobs with pitchforks out there. Yes, be careful and watch your back. Learn and improve your street smarts, and if you want to, go out because it is safe and the majority of the general public just don't really care.

[Tracii G]

Ashamed? Not at all.

[Gwinnie]

I'm ashamed and feel guilty. Sometimes to the point of feeling sick over it.

Gwendolyn

[Michelle V]

I'm beginning to feel comfortable on my skin, only took 42 years. I'm only ashamed of not being strong enough to be myself out in the world, but I feel I'm growing and heading towards full acceptance with no shame.

[bimini1]

It seems like at times, the majority of us have felt some shame over it. Some have worked hard to get over it but it seems that is just part of it. I just try to look at the thousands of members here and tell myself there are a lot of other men like me. Even so, I feel so alone at times with this, based on the people I deal with every day.

I keep telling myself as I read various posts on this forum, if others are dealing with it effectively, then so can I.

[Gwinnie]

Yeah at times it seems my wife is more comfortable with it than I am. She asks why I don't dress around her more. I don't have an answer other than I'm embarrassed about it.

[reb.femme]

Not read any of the other replies as I write, but my real worry is for my wife. She works in a male-dominated environment and I wouldn't want her suffering for my additional presentation predilection. Personally, I can handle the flak.

Rebecca

[Tina G]

I've read the question, and read others replies. For some reason i haven't really come up with a straight answer but many ideas of my answer. 42 years old as of Tuesday and this is still something i deal with at times, but i'm moving forward now...

[Vickie_CDTV]

There is a difference between feeling ashamed, and fearing consequences of being outed. While some may overexaggerate their fears of being outed, there can be very real consequences for being outed, and there really are some people should keep it a secret. People can lose jobs, friends, family (things we need to survive), it may not happen as often as it once did but it still happens. I can't fault anyone for wanting to protect what they need to survive.

[Adriana Moretti]

for me its my line of work, which is IN the public eye....somebody else in my line of work was caught ( publicly) dating a cd...and he has since resigned because this type of thing is frownded upon within this community...can you imagine if you WERE a cd and got caught? ...money makes the world go round so I have to tread lightly...you would NEVER guess it's me...but I still have to be carefull. Im not ashamed...but I have to be careful.

[mykell]

ive wasted my crossdressing life feeling ashamed and since joining and i am sometimes jealous of the youth here as they have this resource that many did not have at that age and think wow, how my life may have been different if it was that way. i do feel in the broad spectrum of life i am normal now as the numbers may not be counted but think for everyone here their are some that still have not come out for fear of shame and embarrassment.

but now since joining ive told the mrs. going to renew our vows and i feel comfortable with were im at, i dont do as much as i would like with it (DADT makes some things harder) but i am still living a fairly normal life, when i have time to indulge myself in girly things i do, when i stop in store i look at or for things and admit its for me and feel that helps the public in general as the SAs put a face to us and see us more often. has to help us some... so ive changed my views on things and do think of us as a group and try to do something. would like to see us raise cash and fund or sponsor some charitable events as it would generate positive media attention. but that would be a logistical challenge im sure, so its just a little word of mouth from me for now....just not shouting it from the rooftops....

[Wanna be Heather]

Never ashamed. Just avoid people i know so they dont judge me. I am proud to be able to exptess myself

[Madilyn A.]

I had been ashamed for most of my life. Since joining this site in about 2009, I began to realize who I truly am. This site and the friendships I have gained here, have opened my eyes. I am content and no longer ashamed.

[JennyLynn]

I guess I'm not so much "ashamed" as I am confident I would be perceived as a "freak". I live in a small town and my proclivity to dressing would not be accepted around here if I were to be found out. If I am, well, I am. But, I don't take chances....mostly! If my wife found out, I do think she would still stay with me, but be a bit freaked out. If my neighbors found out, it would be supremely disruptive.
I would be the joke of the neighborhood.

[kendra_gurl]

The dark side of crossdressing for me as not considering myself to be anything other than a str8 heterosexual part time cd is not really being able to explain it to those who can't comprehend it. It's easy to accept it as a desire to justify to myself for doing it but like so many have already stated, it also affects anyone who finds out.

[darla_g]

If I was ‘found out’ by my family, friends and the people I work with my life would never be the same again.
This has got nothing to do with being ashamed, its simply called........... 'common sense'

The life of a realist has its advantages:)this is how i feel too. Were i very open with my dressing it WOULD have negative consequences. But i am not ashamed, i am not doing anything wrong or hurting anyone.

[Richelle]

No, I am not ashamed of who I am or how I dress. When not at the office (I telecommute most days) or at a clients office, I mix items of clothing from both men's and woman's departments. And I proudly go out in my neighborhood with colorful nails and earrings when everyone knows that am a guy.

Richelle

[Launa]

I used to be ashamed, I hated this part of myself but not anymore. Now I love my dark side and don't want to be in any kind of a top secret mode any more.

Embarrassed about anything? Only if I trip in front of a bunch of people wearing a sequins dress.

[sanderlay]

For many years I was ashamed of myself because I believed it was wrong. This negatively affected my self esteem because I had a hard time loving myself. But like many beliefs, I had in the past, I did not take the time to read for myself. I just took a person's or group's word for it. But after much study and reading about others like me my beliefs changed. I accepted who I am and embraced it. I am proud of who I am and I'm out to my friends and family.

I currently do not advertize who I am on the web because I don't want the negatives. My friends and family know and that is enough for me. I drive my car, shop at stores, buy groceries, fuel and live my life. That exposes lots of people to a mixed dressing TG/CD. So I'm a walking example of what a person might look like and perhaps someone else might have the courage to go out and be themselves.

I'm not under any illusion of what might happen. I know what kids were like at school when I presented as male. I was still beaten up. But I want no regrets when I leave this life. I won't live in fear. I will dress to be who I am for those I see along my path. :)

[devida]

I don't remember ever being ashamed of the way I looked or dressed. Oh wait, when I was 16 and i quit going to a school with uniforms and allowed my parents to buy my clothes to my next school, then I was ashamed at my deplorable fashion sense. But ashamed because I don't dress, look, think or act like other people? That would be a full time job and I really don't have the time. I guess if I was kinky enough I could get a charge out of it. It could be kind of bdsm, maybe, but I was never really wired that way. But if you are, why more power to you, and I hope you're enjoying it. Cause if you aren't you really should stop it, dontcha think?

[MissTee]

Not embarrassed, but careful. Very careful.

[Lucy_Bella]

Do I feel ashamed? Yes !!

Cross Dressing is something I do it's not what I am or who I am ,it's a fetish.

I am ashamed because I dress not because I want to be that gender but because it makes me feel good.. I am ashamed because if caught some would think I was dressing because I was ,gay, or have GID or have a desire to become a female.. That shames me because I do not want them to think that of me because it's not the real reason why partly and it dis respects this community that I think that way..

I am ashamed that when I see others out and about I do not approach them and tell them I admire their courage ,I show no support unless they are in harms way ..

Yes I am very ashamed ..Honest I am..

[CynthiaD]

Nope, not ashamed.

Quite the contrary. I'm proud of who I am.

As for what others think, let them think what they want. I don't care.

That's one of the benefits of getting old. You cease to care what others think of you.

[mechamoose]

Is 'ashamed' and 'comfortable' the same thing?

I'm not ashamed, but I'm not comfortable.

<3

- MM

[Dani0948]

It's not really shame or guilt, but just plain fear. Katy hit the nail on the head.fear is a much more powerful motivator.

[docrobbysherry]

If my family and friends knew how I look and why I dress? I would find it extremely upsetting. Plus, I suffer my own inner shame from time to time. And, every time I go out unmasked. For an entirely different reason. I feel like a fraud!:sad:

On the other hand? I'm not Sherry. I think of her as my fantasy, an illusion. Yet, when I'm out as her? The feeling of elation, power, and vanity can be overwhelming! With not a hint of guilt.

Do I understand that? Maybe u can explain it, I can't!:eek:

[trisha kobichenko]

Really interesting question, hard to answer for me. Depends on the environment I guess. I have come out to my wife, and we discuss in depth, so no shame there. it's just who I am and have been for most of my life. But what about our children...not coming out there for sure, or with co-workers, but is that shame, or just a healthy respect for cultural conditioning? Makes no sense to me to 'soapbox' my desires unless I know for sure that the result will make me a happier person. Short take is I am who I am, just careful about who I share it with.
Hugs,
Trisha

[Joanne f]

Hello Rogina B
There is no dark side to me as I am very happy with who or what I am but the a shame thing did hit me at one time when I exposed family to the backlash that you can get from other people although I have problems calling some of them people , I felt ashamed of myself for putting them through a selfish act which I lost control of and gave to many people to much information .

[queenie]

A long time ago I used to be ashamed and afraid. I just count myself lucky that I got over that when I was relatively young.

[Nadia Pinky]

I'm not ashamed of myself and proud for it also satisfied who I am but sometimes came to me some of fears if anyone from family and normal friends know my other side possible will take wrong conception about me also I afraid to someone from my family see my outfit for my crossdressers may will change their thoughts about me too even my wife.

[amy101]

I was once ashamed of my self mostly due to low esteem and no one to talk to about crossdresser but since I came out to family and friends I found my confidence and thought dam the world I will dress in what I like when I like

[Milou]

Yes, just kill me now.

[Rogina B]

If my family and friends knew how I look and why I dress? I would find it extremely upsetting. Plus, I suffer my own inner shame from time to time. And, every time I go out unmasked. For an entirely different reason. I feel like a fraud!:sad:

On the other hand? I'm not Sherry. I think of her as my fantasy, an illusion. Yet, when I'm out as her? The feeling of elation, power, and vanity can be overwhelming! With not a hint of guilt.

Do I understand that? Maybe u can explain it, I can't!:eek:
Doc,As I have told you before,I consider you to be an "illusionist",and a great one at that!

[Maria 60]

WOW! I have to dig deep in my soul to answer this one. I totally dress maybe two to three hours a month, but I underdress everyday. At work and with my family I am considered a person who has very little opinion, I care about others, but I don't care what other peoples beliefs are, I try to find a positive in everything and everyone and believe people should do what ever makes themselves happy. I am not the smartest person but I do have good common cents, a lot of co-workers or family will ask me for my opinion on things, and because I am a kind of jake of all trades I do help a lot of family and friends with there problems. I like to be looked at as the person with the positive attitude and only see good in people and a person who loves to help others, but that will all be washed away, and I will only be looked at as the person who wears women's clothing or he must be gay,etc etc. That is my only so called dark side, I will not be recognized for who i really am, I will only be known as the guy who wears women's cloth.

[sometimes_miss]

It's not being ashamed, it's avoiding potential problems. My life is difficult enough, I don't need to invite more problems, thank you. There are consequences to pushing the envelope of being different, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. Some are willing to swim against the tide, openly inviting more challenges, perhaps they believe that things are only worthwhile if you have to fight and work your ass off for them. Not me. I like things nice and easy. I've worked my ass off enough in life. I don't need anyone behind the scenes causing problems. That said, if I did invite more difficulty in my life, I'd feel like a complete idiot.

[RayanneA]

It's not being ashamed, it's avoiding potential problems. My life is difficult enough, I don't need to invite more problems, thank you. There are consequences to pushing the envelope of being different, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. Some are willing to swim against the tide, openly inviting more challenges, perhaps they believe that things are only worthwhile if you have to fight and work your ass off for them. Not me. I like things nice and easy. I've worked my ass off enough in life. I don't need anyone behind the scenes causing problems. That said, if I did invite more difficulty in my life, I'd feel like a complete idiot.That should have been posted in bright red in the biggest font you could find. We all do things that can't be easily explained to much of the world. It's hard to explain an interest in model trains or amateur radio so that most people can understand it. I can't imagine trying to explain to the general public that I like to dress up as a female. With today's social climate it is probably more acceptable to admit to being gay or bisexual than it is to admit to being a cross dresser.

[gennee]

I'm happier now than I ever was before. :)

[RayanneA]

Oh, and I forgot to answer the question that was the topic of the thread. I've never been ashamed of crossdressing. Not that I'm going to go out and tell the entire world about it, but at least to me it is not a bad thing at all. Now when I first got curious about having sex with another man, I had a feeling that I would be ashamed of myself if I ever did anything about it. (I wasn't but that's a story for another place and time). I have had enough year of life to discover that there is nothing wrong with being different and "everybody does it" or "nobody does that" are not reasons to judge my own life if I do the opposite. Like I say, I may not flaunt my lifestyle choices to the world at large, but I'm not ashamed of the ones I have made.

[Stephanie47]

Discretion is the better part of valor. This has nothing to do with being ashamed.

[samantha rogers]

Ashamed may be a word that applies to some, many, or even all if you count different stages they may once have inhabited, but I think you can honestly say that to one degree or another most are familiar with fear. The fear can be loss of loved ones, loss off work, fear of violence, loss of respect or simply fear of being laughed at or humiliated. There is a difference which is quite large between feeling ashamed of ourselves, and simply fearing real (even though sometimes overblown in our own minds) consequences of discovery in a real world that at best scorns, derides and laughs at us and at worst condemns us out of hand.
Leaving aside those for whom fear of discovery is based only in knowledge of the difficulties it would bring to loved ones, among the rest not all are strong enough to weather such consequences. In my opinion, to judge or condemn those who are not strong enough to come out, would be to display exactly the same lack of understanding and compassion as is displayed by all those who mock, deride and hate all TG people.
For me, one is either compassionate and supportive of others or one is not.
I would hope everyone, at least within this community, is among the former.
Hugs

[Millie.Graham]

Yes, I am in top secret mode. Is it because I am ashamed or embarrassed by who I am? No, ai wrestled that dragon to the ground long ago. I have a wife and small childeren and unfortunately we live in a World that is not always filled with tolerance or understanding. If the world wants to judge me in a negative way that is fine, but that judgement doesn't need to be leveled against my family so I am in top secret mode only to protect them from people who may not have an open and understanding outlook on life.

-Millie

[PaulaQ]

I was very ashamed of myself for many, many years because of my feelings about my gender. My shame made me unwilling to examine these feelings, or even admit them until I realized I was contemplating suicide rather than face them. At that point, in February / March of last year, I knew I had to finally deal with this stuff, wherever it took me. I nearly let shame kill me.

[suchacutie]

I agree with Suzy1 completely. I'm really proud of Tina. I'm proud that when the moment came to acknowledge that Tina existed, we did so. I'm proud of the fact that I was able to be completely open to my wife as we uncovered Tina, and continue to do so. I'm proud of the fact that I understand just how important Tina is to me. I'm proud of the fact that my wife likes Tina, and has helped her immensely in her growth.

But I'm not about to put all of that in an ad in the New York Times! LOL...and there are a number of such ads that I won't take out in the Times, because they are personal topics that are no one else's business :):):)

[AngelaKelly<3]

Been thinking about this since I posted; reading the replies and mulling it over in my mind...

I guess I do feel shame because of all this.

But it's only because I know there are a few people, who are very important to me, who wouldn't accept me being me.

Not so much my usual cheery self...but I'm just being honest. I'm nothing if I'm not an honest woman.

[Clair Divine]

I was never Ashamed of who I was becoming. Growing up and going through the changes I was experiencing was exciting and nerve racking. My parents were a little ashamed and my mother thought she went wrong somewhere down the track in her upbringing (of me). I think that was just due to not being able to understand her child and what they were going through. She didn't help herself when she told me that as the second child, I was supposed to be a girl, lol. Adding to that, I have Klinefelters. Giving me many Feminine traits.
I AM a Crossdresser and I'm proud of the fact. I've never really wanted to be anything else. I don't go to work or to the shops dressed up because of shame, I don't do it, because not everyone can understand. Some people don't deal well with change and I respect that by not exposing them to something they candle handle.
I'm happy and my wife loves me to bits and accepts me 100%. That's all that matters to me.

[Rogina B]

Thank you to all that answered! I tend to think a lot of fear is caused from the anxiety that the outed person will be painted and labeled by a broad,heavy brush!

[franny lin]

My wife can' t even excepted me so I don't think I'll ever be alright.

[KaceyR]

I've kind of thought similarly that what issues I have is more of fear of a few specific people and work. In a way, if I could dress while at work without derogatory effects and have job protections of not losing the job I probably would. Then the same goes with family/friends effects down in my mom's city. I don't want anything from the intolerant down there affecting her. Between her age, and the small town it is, it's hard enough for her to exist with the relative few friends. So I hide from the one direct family member and I don't dress when outside down there. ( I get some time over late nights as long as no visitors,etc. )

I've gotten a bit of an attitude of just not caring much. Between depression over the decades of my life and no relationships, or marriages, etc), I just feel whatever happens happens. There's actually a good chance that I'll be out to the more intolerant friends over the next month or 2 and I'll just let whatever happen. They can't stand Kacey, then their loss.

I do wish I had my own house rather than apt complex... Neighbors are kind of white trashy/urban more and more and since I really don't interact with them, I don't know what's their impressions. But again, that's kind of a fear of repercussions rather than shame.
(As well...had wondered if I should discuss it with my apts management...again it's something I think there's no real protections if they would want to evict unfortunately. )

One thing I do feel shame for... Is my laziness to learn better makeup :)

[Babbs]

ashamed, no way. proud? Pride cometh before a fall...pride is a tool of the devil...nope not that either...I'm happy, clap along if you feel happiness is the truth

[Kevyn53]

Having my other half confront me several months ago about comments I made about her not accepting me, it turns out she's 100% behind me. That being said, we live in a very small community (less than 100 people) and it would be very uncomfortable to try dealing with the locals if they knew about my CDing. In fact everyone around here travels up to 100 miles away just for groceries, so my wife and I have a discussion about where I dress and when. around the house is ok with both of us (in fact she's surprised sometimes to come around a corner and find me en femme). and we talk about where we're traveling and should I dress. We went to a classical concert a couple of months ago about 3 hours away and I spent the whole day en femme. Only it was about -20 degrees and we were bundled up in anything warm. Next concert, it's a skirt or dress.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rogina, It's just who I am and it's just what I do, No I'm not ashamed.

[carolynn2fem]

By observation,it seems that many members are in a "top secret" mode to do with their interest in "Tness,femininity,transsexuality,etc"[You fill in your own word that suits]. Many people are concerned that someone "that has a different perception of them" could find out..Internet interests,signing petitions,writing letters,etc COULD expose them...So my question is what exactly is the negative that is being exposed? How do you honestly feel about this part of you that draws you "to your dark side"? Are you ashamed? Embarrassed?

I am in the closet but No I am not ashamed of myself. it is a personal side of me that doesn't need to be flaunted or advertised. I do feel the desire to push my self imposed boundry some. if confronted on the mater my reaction would not be shame. I may simply sidestep the question or say that the cards I was dealt and it is just something I have to deal with

[tfguy]

Sure I feel shame and guilt every once in a while. Mostly because this is a fetish for me. If I were to come out to friends and family I still wouldn't want to tell them it's a fetish. But talking about sexual turn ons is taboo for most people, even on this forum.

Ressie,

I agree. I certainly feel shame and disgust even because of this fetish. Maybe someday that will change, I hope that for everyone, but due to its sexual nature that is unlikely.

TFGuy

[FemPossible]

Yes! But not about wanting to wear women's clothes. :)

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

While I can't really recall a time where I was 'ashamed' of my desires, I do remember being terrified of the prospect of being caught and outed. And I would be lying if I said that I wasn't at least concerned, by whatever reaction my parents would have if they ever found out. Even still to this day.

However, I have found that over the last decade, thanks to repeated dressing sessions, the 'taboo' factor has pretty much vanished. I am so comfortable with my dressing now that I almost feel like I don't care if people find out anymore...In fact, my choice to dress up for halloween last year was because I didn't care if people suspected anything. I went to the party, not with the intention of outing myself, but if anyone started asking incriminating questions, I was ready to answer them honestly. Nobody did though... I was actually mildly disappointed. Oh well... Maybe I'll dress up again for this year. THEN people might start asking questions.....:heehee:

[MayaMe]

I no longer feel ashamed or embarrassed anylonger. It is part of who I am and I should not feel ashamed about who I am. I do have fear of what might happen if the people close to me found out. Anyone else does not really matter to me.

[KristinH]

I used to be ashamed but I have learned to accept myself for who I am. That said I dont want certain people to find out(family, friends etc) this is not because I am ashamed but rather because I have a natural fear of being ostracized. That is to say I fear the ignorance of others.

[Desirae]

I would have to say yes, there is some shame I feel still. I think it used to be a lot worse than it is now. I grew up with strong male role models in my life (father, uncle, cousin). None of them would ever understand CDing. My dad was a mans man. There was no effeminate behavior from him in any way, shape, or form. I'm sure the shame I still feel has held me back from venturing out or taking my dressing to the next step. If I were busted, I would be embarrassed. I think it would make me feel that I, somehow, betrayed my father. I don't know. Fear can be a big motivator to do (or not do) something.

[Krista1985]

How do you honestly feel about this part of you that draws you "to your dark side"? Are you ashamed? Embarrassed?

I suppose I was both ashamed and embarrassed at first. Ashamed, conflicted, wondering what was going on with me. All those things. Finding this place and reading about how others coped/are coping with it helped loads and loads. So the shame and embarrassment has faded to a large degree.

So how do I feel about this part of me that draws me towards my dark side?

I both love it and fear it at the same time. Love it for the way it makes me feel, and how it enhances my life in a number of ways. I am more understanding and tolerant with others who might be viewed as outsiders since coming to terms with my own 'otherness.' People close to me commented on how relaxed/at ease I seemed to be around the time I started regularly dressing in secret, this has continued to present. Before I was sort of high-strung from all that holding it in I suppose. So there's some of the reasons I love CDing/being a CD.

But I also have a healthy fear of my desires too. Fear that an outing could negatively impact my career or standing in my community. Fear that sharing could cost me friends and affect relationships with family members. Fear that folks would judge and not understand. Fear of ridicule or exclusion based on a desire I can't switch off or turn down. Fear that the desire seems to be getting stronger and leading me to take more chances and try new things. Fear that it could blow up in my face and cost me a lot. Granted a lot of these fears exist only in my imagination, but I can assure you these fears feel quite real to me.

So I approach CD'ing with caution, but without shame or guilt over it. We all have our secrets, this is mine and there are worse ones to have that provide their keepers zero joy and comfort. I guess I am just glad that my, 'deep dark' secret is the kind that I can get enjoyment from.

[Christen]

Hmmm .. I'm not ashamed, and then again I am. This is a such a difficult question, you know. I'm not ashamed that I like to dress as woman and pretend to be one. I'm ashamed that I need/have to keep it quiet. There are times when I think I could handle the public's opinion of men who crossdress, but then I think no, there's too much scorn put on us. Am I weak? Don't think so. I just want too be able to have the best life I can without causing my loved ones too much grief. I'm pretty sure that if I got up tomorrow and told the world about my crossdressing I'd feel ashamed pretty quickly, because I'd be expected to. Most of society see this thing we do as shameful. That's not right (says me, and us) but it's true. Then again maybe I've got it wrong ..

Christen x

[Vanessa5]

I did for a time feel ashamed of this side of me. My mind was convinced I was _________ (fill in any number of negative connotions). I finally found this site and came to terms with it. I am no longer ashamed. I do feel guilt now and then but that is more because I am married and need to find a cure (according to my wife).

[wanda66]

Being able to read about all of the issues that people have and finding that they are the same ones that I have made me realize that I am not aloneand tha helps a b reat deal maybe embarrassed if found out but I dont think ashamed,.like today I came home early shaved my legs etc. And had a hot bath . Dressed with bra and panties and a silky robe. That felt terrific , I cannot be ashame of something that makes me feel that warm inside!!!

[WhisperTV]

The closest I've come to feeling ashamed was when I got caught. Even then ashamed isn't really the right word. "Vulnerable" and "Turned on" are better descriptions.

[Tami Monroe]

I am not now, nor ever been ashamed of my CD'ing. However, I have been terrified of those who do not understand finding out and running my name through the mud.

[Renee Elise]

In a word, no. Not anymore. I've suppressed this part of me for a long time and wrestled with a lot of undeserved nonsensical guilt that was kept very deep beneath the surface. I'm not ashamed of my knowledge of feminine styles in addition to knowing a great deal about suits, cufflinks, and smoking jackets. Why should a man that chooses to wrap his legs in nylon (was once an accepted style) have to face ridicule while a woman that chooses to wear a necktie, sport jacket, and trousers be celebrated? Oh how we tangle ourselves up with so many false premises...

I think it's cute (and sexy, let's face it ;) ) when a lady friend decides to wear one of my sweatshirts or button downs. And yet our popular culture has this absurd notion that a man who appreciates the feel (and it is exquisite) of nylon or chiffon needs to have his head examined?

Perhaps the worst part of this is while we wrestle with all of the nonsensical questions society foists on us, we think we're alone. That our manhood is somehow compromised. To borrow a phrase from my friends across the pond, "******** to that!"

That said, I feel no obligation whatsoever to share this part of me with unthinking troglodytes who buy into the worst stereotypes and mischaracterizations of the spectrum we occupy and can't be bothered to develop their own knowledge. I'm most grateful for this forum where I can share the wonderful experiences that come from this other dimension of self expression.

As for a "dark side?" I have to laugh at this. A night of sipping wine in a sexy outfit compared to all the horrors of this world? A way to completely and totally relax and be immune to irritation, stress or tension for a few days, to the benefit of my health? Hardly.

You've all captured the essence quite well. Perhaps the only thing I regret was not jumping into this forum (and coming to a peaceful place with my feminine expression) sooner.

[Emi_]

Wow! What a loaded question!

For some there may indeed be a sense of shame - the remnants of a not-so-distant time when being trans* was even more misunderstood than it is now. However, I would venture to guess that for many, other people's perceptions of them would be affected and this would lead to losing opportunities, relationships failing, and other social and emotional hardships. In this light, even some of the most open of us still practice caution when revealing ourselves - not because of shame, but because the fallout from other's ignorance can have real and detrimental effects.

It is prudent to be mindful of the consequences of one's actions. It is hurtful to say that a person is "shameful" just because they value their privacy, comfort, and the well-being of their extended lives.

[Rogina B]

Do you feel that you "over do" the consequences? Especially if you are identifying[owning up to it] as Transgender? Laverne Cox is on the cover of Time magazine,and she identifies as TG...

[missmars]

no...............

[Adriana]

When I was younger I was ashamed and embarrassed of who I was and wanted to hide my femininity from not just the outside world, but also from myself. Though, as time passed this view has changed from ashamed to feeling complete as a person, because I decided some time ago to embrace my inner femininity and let me be me. I know others might see us as not the social norm, but then again I've never been one to follow the crowd or adhere to standards that someone else believes is correct. I decided to choose my own path and not let others with narrow views push me around. I'm happier now and I keep growing as an individual each day that passes. :)

[Sc0rp10N]

Maybe the first time I ever put an article of women's clothing on, I was embarrassed, not so much ASHAMED, that's a very strong word, but I got over it real quick having an awesome wife that lets me be the crazy me I can be sometimes and just knowing its what I wanted to do. I've always been someone who takes accountability for what I do. I have only one person to blame for any shame I might feel and that person is me. So, no SHAME here, just fun.

[heatherdress]

No - I am not ashamed. Never have been. I am very happy. My crossdresing helps me be me. It is a gift which enriches my life. I feel different when I am dressed as a woman - softer, sensitive, beautiful. I know I am doing nothing wrong, immoral, illegal. I love dressing as a female and do so as much as I can - every day.

[Elle1944]

OH man, shame and guilt is something that I had to confront and the reality of losing friends and family, and yes it set in for awhile. At 14 when I discovered why I felt so different from boys my age when I got fully dressed with moms lingerie, dress, heels, makeup, jewelry and perfume I knew why I was different then. I turned to booze to help me cope and the likes of Jim Beam and Wild Turkey were to become my best friend, but in the end at 33 years old I wound up on my death bed do to chronic alcoholism. Yes my friend's Jim Beam and Wild Turkey took me to a different place with yellowed eye balls and skin, I weighed a mere 148 lbs and was 6'3" tall, looked like I was 6 months pregnant due to the destroyed liver. The booze took away the shame and guilt and fears of getting caught, it gave me courage to go on and I could be anything "you" wanted me to be. When I was 17 years old (1961) a 12 year old boy in our neighborhood was our paper boy, me too at 12-14 years old had the same paper route. One afternoon after school his parents came home and found him hanging in an apple tree in the back yard wearing panties, garter belt, nylon stockings and a skirt. They didn't know, I didn't know, but what could I have done, nothing. I wouldn't come out of the closet and own up to cross dressing for love nor money. Cross dressing was something parents, older folks, HS bullies and peers made sick jokes about in those days, there was no place to go, nobody to talk to. A couple boys in my HS class were caught CDing and were ridiculed forever by other classmates. Still others were caught with other boys and were tormented due to their gay choices. I too, a hypocrite, a deceiver, told the same sick jokes to get a rise, if you will, when I wanted to tell somebody I was a cross dresser, I clammed up big time when they laughed at my jokes, they would laugh at me too, and their laughter would have killed me.

Drinking helped me cope with my CD/TV lifestyle. Monday mornings after my trips to the Village were always filled with no more am I going into the City with my TV friends. Odd too I did fall in love, if you will, with other TV's just as a high school sweetheart would, never thought that would ever happen, but I did have long term relationships that lasted a year or more with others just like me. Sometimes I think those broken hearts were far worse than losing a GG girlfriend, but the GG girlfriends I would not let get that close to me to own up to my true being. But the closer it got to Friday, the more excited I got thinking of my CD/TV friends and the patrons of the Clubs we visited, even the Lesbian and Gay crowd, we all seemed more friendly and tolerant of each other in those days.

If you got arrested for Cross Dressing, or violating the City Ordinance in NYC of not having at least 3 articles of your birth gender, you were locked up in what they called "the sissy tank". In New Jersey, like the City of Paterson/Clifton/Passaic, you were arrested for "Impersonating a female" and your name, age and address, was published in the Paterson Evening News and The Herald News of the time, the biggest local papers everybody seemed to read.

After I was released from the Hospital and went on to Alcoholic Rehab, 1978, I had to come clean of why I drank in the first place, and my reason was the shame and guilt of my Cross Dressing. But it was at the time past the Stonewall Riots when the laws were changed as they still are in protecting Transgender today, the shame and guilt need not be today, not like yesterday, if arrested and you just looked at the cop in a way he didn't like, you were lucky if you wound up in a hospital and still alive, some didn't, they went to the morgue and the "incident" was rarely if ever published in a newspaper, might be on the back of the sports page, a note near the bottom of the page.

But after a year or two in AA, I realized I could no longer turn to booze to masquerade my weakness, my need to dress in women's clothing, it haunted me forever if I didn't engage. If I drank I would die and a painful death or be put away in an institution, shock treatments were still common and those who engaged with that treatment told of horror stories of what that was like, no thank you. Suicide was my answer, end it all this charade of living 2 lives and one still in secrecy. I could not live trying to stay sober and deceiving by not coming clean, one of the moral obligations of sobriety, I could always remember the truth, the lies I told and more lies for covering up the lies I told, could no longer be part of my character. Yes I was one of those who made amends to family and close friends and employers even if it cost me my friendship. It did sometimes, but I sought out professional help and glad I did for a number of years I went to a psychologist. I also was befriended by a Roman Catholic Priest, a very popular priest, I became his AA sponsor, we became the best of friends over the next 20 years or so, without mentioning names, he lost his life on that faithful day 9/11 at the world trade center. I won't dwell into how we became acquainted due to the religious nature of the events in his life, but what a friend. He was the pastor of a small church and school in West Milford, NJ at the time, St Joesph's Church. Mychal taught me a lot about "unconditional love", he also came out as being gay as is told in his book and his CD dedicated to the Saint of 9/11. Mychal taught me to take what God has given me and love it, embrace it, share it with those who are still conflicted with gender identity. I would only share it with those who would tell me about their lives, the very things they too wanted to take to the grave with them. I have spoken publicly a few times and plan on another in the next few months at a mental health clinic dealing with bi-polar disorder and my life story of being a member of the Transgender Community. I didn't start out this way of public speaking but a dear friend asked me too who I confided in while doing my, what we call 5th step in AA, she is my sponsor and is a chairperson at this mental health clinic. Shame and guilt, the wars and revolutions of being a CD/TV/Transgender. My biggest sin of my life that brought about the shame and guilt was the deceiving, just by being honest has set me free, and like Mychal always told me, love everything and everyone you meet in life, hard to do at times, but "love the person" hate the bad deeds people do.

The Man In The Glass
Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

[sexycindy]

Basically, my good friends and partner know and are supportive. I've made friends as Cindy, and again they are supportive. But the reason I would never reveal this to family (and my partners family) is that they are all a bit old fashioned and would criticise and make me out to be a massive joke and hurt me, just like when I had my ears pierced. Also countless things myself, my younger brothers, other family members and my partner have done. Just gets ridiculed and pulled down as a joke and "weird", so I would not want family to know if not I would lose them.

[lovetobedani]

I'm not ashamed of myself more than I am about being humiliated by others. I have accepted who and what I am.

[CrossJess]

No not a shamed at all, i spent to long figuring out who i was, in the end i gave up and just said sod it i am who i am you either like me or not, either way i couldnt care i love my life, i keep those who are special to me close to my heart and those who are not so special at arms length.

[Farrah]

I think its the misconception of how they would view me if they knew. Many people will automatically assume we're gay, when that is so far from the truth. Many people, especially men, fear what they don't understand. Just my:2c:

[Bryanne]

Not so much ashamed as careful. My line of work is very macho to say the least, and not many would expect --I don't THINK so, anyway!-- this side of me, but I'm not sure that I'd want it out at this stage. I truly love being Bryanne, and she balances a lot for me in my life, and gives me a creative outlet. She also gives me something to aim for, getting better with the makeup and dressing. One of my new passions is creating padding for my hips and rear end, and while I'd love to shout from the rooftops how happy I am with the progress on that project, I keep it carefully quiet. So I would not say ashamed, but I do feel guilty at having to hide this wonderfully exciting thing that I enjoy so much.