Do you think an unaccepting s/o is missing out?

[claire_hollinger]

Am I crazy, or have you ever thought that maybe an unaccepting s/o is missing out on a whole other side of you that they may love? I know women tend to be more comfortable in the company with other women, and i wonder if they're missing out on a deeper connection.

[Rachael Leigh]

It's funny you ask this, my non accepting spouse and I just talked about this and I really couldn't think of something that would benefit her. I mean I think we really just want that freedom to buy clothes and dress whenever. So is there a benefit to them? I'm not so sure

[Melissa_59]

I think so. I think this other side of us has so much to add to a relationship and unless someone is willing to even try, they have no idea how much they're missing out on. I know I'm only seeing this from my point of view, but I don't understand how people can be close minded about this.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Claire, coincidentally, I just responded to one of your responses in the loved ones section. Your wife is most certainly missing the joy , comfort , peace, love & laughter of Claire. She was once accepting of you. Something obviously changed. Is there any way that you two can bring everything out to the table in order to get a better understanding of why she has changed ? You are a cd for life. She must know that. You both need harmony in your marriage. I truly hope that you both can come once again to experience Claire together . Much peace & harmony to you both , Mel

[sanderlay]

Sure they would be missing out... but there is more going on than just this issue. It's not that simple.

[Teresa]

Hi Claire,
No your not crazy, my family are missing out on the best part of me. With their acceptance my tetchy guilty side would get better. The last talk I had with my wife I pointed out that as things are, part of me is always going to be a stranger to the family.

[Jenniferathome]

No, this is purely a cross dressers wish. The simple fact is that cross dressing is weird. No woman wants their husband or boyfriend to be weird. We are not "women" and not a "girlfriend." My wife who is totally accepting of my cross dressing and even goes out with me but would prefer I was not a cross dresser. It's a complication that is easier to NOT live with.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Jennifer like yourself my wife is supportive and I couldn't say it any better than you did sis

[MatildaJ.]

I'm not more comfortable with women; I tend to feel there's a lot of judging and competition going on in a group of women.

I accept that my husband dresses, but I feel awkward and morose hanging out with "her." It's a lot like having an insecure teenager in the house, and I find myself wondering when she'll leave already.

[Beverley Sims]

Maybe, but looking at it from another perspective are they missing out on the male macho side that they thought they married.
There must be some disappointment there.

[suchacutie]

The advantages of transgendered/crossdressing spouse comes from the fact that we have a feminine self. I suppose that we could proceed to crossdress for a couple of decades and, having learned a lot about ourselves and at least the basics of growing up as a girl, we could then take all of that experience to a marriage without actually exercising that feminine side...but I doubt that is likely.

So, the practicality is that we need to exercise our feminine selves regularly, keeping current as with anything we do in a serious way.

My experience is that Tina brought a lot to our relationship. First, what crossdresser with a supportive spouse isn't going to reciprocate in an incredible manner to show his appreciation. Then there is the everyday understanding of what our wives go through to live their lives, both physically and emotionally. We really understand what it feels like to be frustrated by a broken nail or a terrible tube of mascara or "having nothing to wear". She can actually have a conversation with her spouse about anything, and her spouse is genuinely interested! We never say" I"ll never understand women!". We can comment intelligently on all manner of feminine topics that most husbands wouldn't have a clue about and wouldn't care! We literally can be girlfriend and husband at the same time, providing an emotional understanding and security most men would not even fathom could be a part of their marriage. .

I'm completely convinced that Tina makes a positive difference!

P.S. Thought I should add that not all spouses want the advantages that a relationship with a crossdresser can bring. It's their choice and we need to be up front about it so they can make that choice.

[ReineD]

You're saying that you and others like you are women (when dressed?) and that GGs who tend to be more comfortable in the company of other women miss out on something when they do not accept their CDing SOs?

This is confusing because unless you are transsexual (unless you believe that your body is not congruent with your inner gender identity), then you are not a woman. You are a male who crossdresses. You may be getting in touch with feminine proclivities, but this does not a woman make.

Are you TS?

I love to hang out with women and I fully accept my SO, but I do not see my SO as a woman. My SO is not transsexual. Also, my SO is the same wonderful person whether dressed or not.

[Karren H]

I will never find out the answer to that question.....

[Wildaboutheels]

You might be assuming that just because so few women are VISUAL creatures [like the vast majority of men are] that your "appearance" when dressed should not bother her in the least?

We all like what we like.

Your wife did not "find out" till 3 months into your marriage.

Would you be Ok if your wife decided she wanted to putter about the house, wearing undeniably guy clothes? Maybe beat up shoes, well worn clothing and possibly underwear with holes? And of course possibly keeping her breasts bound and sporting a "package". They would "just be" clothes/appearance items right? Surely you would get used to them.

Obviously SOME women will and do accept. Others set limits of some kind which IS their right btw. Others will tolerate DADT to some degree and some will flatly declare the marriage over and act accordingly.

Maybe YOU are missing out because your wife is not a CDer?

[RayanneA]

Being unaccepting and not understanding (this applies to almost anything, not just dressing in women's clothing) is why I got divorced a lot of years ago. But for her to be accepting when she discovered my "hobby" would have meant she was a totally different person than she really was. And I've been a better person without her.

So I guess she really is missing out. She doesn't have ME.

[Sandra]

But for her to be accepting when she discovered my "hobby" would have meant she was a totally different person than she really was.

Hmmm as an SO I'm not a totally different person. I'm more understanding but I'm no different :)

[LexiMD]

In my experience, this is very true. My S/O and i have been together for more than 25 yrs. She's known of my crossdressing since day one but refuses to accept it. Things were good up until i had to move in with her in 2008. Of course my wardrobe came with me and she's decided to ignore it, as long as she doesn't see me wearing it. As i write this, she's out and I'm dressed. She want's to get married and i've refused, not just because of the dressing issue but a serious jealousy issue she has. If she were even remotely accepting, i might be able to look past the other issues.
Lexi

[kimdl93]

That would depend on what you bring to the relationship and how it conceivably might be of value to her. I get the impression that accepting spouse do get some things of value: a deep intimate connection and sense that their CD partner trusted them enough to share this dimension. Some accepting wife seem to even have fun with it.

While I agree that this may be wishful thinking for many CDrs, at least a few couples here are making it a positive part of their relationships.

[PaulaQ]

In my case, my wife is definitely missing out on me, and I really wasn't an awful person to be around - quite the opposite, or so I'm told. On the other hand, I'm a woman, and she really doesn't like most other women, and she almost assuredly will NOT like me should she ever get to know me better. I am nothing like the type of woman she's ever befriended, and in fact I think I am the type of woman she doesn't like very much. That sucks. Plus, well, she's straight.

So yeah, I don't think she's missing out on anything. Money, mostly I guess - I make a lot of it, she doesn't. :(


It's a lot like having an insecure teenager in the house, and I find myself wondering when she'll leave already.

A lot of us really are like that - insecure teenage girls. I have to remember this whenever some of my friends complain about my clothes - they complain I dress like someone's mom...

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I'm not missing anything, expect perhaps being married to a husband who doesn't crossdress. And if I did prefer the company of women, I wouldn't enjoy the company of a crossdresser now, would I. Or are we meant to pretend?

Jennifer said it perfectly.

[Eryn]

Everyone misses out on many things every day. I missed out on skydiving today and don't think I'm too distressed about that.

I think that an unaccepting SO is missing out on perhaps understanding her SO better. She may be missing out on social opportunities that are opened up by being TG. OTOH, she may be gaining some "me-time" for herself.

Every relationship is different. I am very thankful that my spouse is accepting and open to my TG status and friends. It is wonderful that she is herself is accepted by the TG persons with whom I associate.

I don't think that every spouse can be as tolerant since there often are many outside influences that shape and limit that tolerance.

[KristinH]

As far as I am concerned they would be missing out because this is a part of who I am. Im an awesome person and, to be honest, I don't have time for someone who cant accept me for who I am.

[mechamoose]

My vote is "yes"

If you have 'her' out there and she isn't accepting or reinforcing you, she is missing an opportunity.

We aren't bad or wrong. We are different. We each bring something special to the table.

<3

- MM

[Sheila11]

The unaccepting spouse is missing out only on what she has chose to miss out on. She has seen, heard, felt, touched, discussed, and pondered. Her decision is that she wants nothing to do with "it". If you ask her she will say she is missing out on nothing.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Claire, I think that all the time but some things are chiseled in stone, AKA >> DA-DT.

[Greenie]

No, this is purely a cross dressers wish. The simple fact is that cross dressing is weird. No woman wants their husband or boyfriend to be weird. We are not "women" and not a "girlfriend." My wife who is totally accepting of my cross dressing and even goes out with me but would prefer I was not a cross dresser. It's a complication that is easier to NOT live with.

I second this. But I also dont think that CDing does anything "special" to Lucas personality. He is who he is regardless of what clothes he likes to wear. being a CDer doesn't make him any more loving, caring, or more fun. He is who he is regardless of in a skirt or pants. So even thought I know, and I am accepting, it doesn't actually mean that if i "didn't know" that I would be missing out on anything positive.

[lynnef]

I'm not sure if it really matters to some S/O's, (mine at least), but if they are non-accepting, they're missing out on your happiness & openness, (and other *-nesses) at least in seeing 2 parts come together as a whole, instead of one (socially-acceptable) part and the "other" part that has to be buried and hidden, which causes no small amount of stress & misery... Based on my reading, those who have supportive/accepting S/O's seem to "come alive", while those who do not, seem to be slinking around like a child who's raided the cookie jar. (and doesn't want mom to find out)

[Amanda M]

I liked Tinas take on this, but when she said " First, what crossdresser with a supportive spouse isn't going to reciprocate in an incredible manner to show his appreciation", thoughtr - just take a look around this forum.

What a lot of us simply do not get is that for many women, their feelings around cross dressing are a mix of fear, distrust and revulsion, and while I think that that is so sad, we have to accept it as a fact. It is not necessarily a lack of education or understanding, it is a gut instinct. All that said, if a SO is accepting it can bring a lot to a relationship.

[claire_hollinger]

Lol varied answered. It's just something i was wondering. I have to admit, quite a few of the are points of view I had kind of dismissed, but i can see now that they must be valid. I am a CD, not transexual. Appreciate all the answers though. My wife was never truly accepting, she just loves me a ton, and tried to support me until it became a habit and not a choice. She couldn't keep up the facade to too long and kind of buckled. She's settled on a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy.

[Stephanie47]

My unaccepting wife is missing out on a husband wearing a wig, dress, hosiery, heels and all the proper undergarments? I think not. Today my wife and I spent the entire day shopping and dining out just like when we were dating over four decades ago. When we stood at the altar we were male and female. Obviously she prefers me being a male and not a girl friend.

She does get to enjoy my "feminine" side without the attire. It's the chicken vs egg question. Did my inner "feminine" side come before my cross dressing? Or, did my cross dressing give rise to my "feminine" side? Heck, I don't know the answer. All I know is my relationship with my wife would not be enhanced by me attired as a woman.

However, she does enjoy the end result of my days alone as Stephanie.....baking, vacuuming, dish washing, laundry, ironing, etc.

[Dana3]

How does doing household chores equate to a spouse benefiting from your "Femimity"? I cook, wash
dry clothes, cook, bake, fold clothes, scrub toliets, the bathtub without being a crossdresser?

[Lynn Marie]

No I don't. The only way that having a SO and CDing seems to work is when she knows going into the relationship. Otherwise it's just lying and cheating and DADT is the best you can hope for.

[Robert]

I accept that my husband dresses, but I feel awkward and morose hanging out with "her." It's a lot like having an insecure teenager in the house, and I find myself wondering when she'll leave already.

Perfect.

[Jenniferathome]

No I don't. The only way that having a SO and CDing seems to work is when she knows going into the relationship. Otherwise it's just lying and cheating and DADT is the best you can hope for.

Lynn, this is not the case. Certainly not based on the many members here. It is ideal to be forthright going in to a relationship but that's not reality for many. Whether cross dressing becomes a DADT issue or a mild annoyance or complete acceptance is based entirely on the individuals in the relationship.

[Joanne f]

Hello Claire,
unfortunately that is a one sided view as you are looking at it from your side although I fully understand what you mean , how can they be missing out on something that they do not like , it is abit like missing out on a headache they do not want it that is where some sort of balance can help and that is not always easy for either one to overcome .

[Katey888]

How does doing household chores equate to a spouse benefiting from your "Femimity"? I cook, wash
dry clothes, cook, bake, fold clothes, scrub toliets, the bathtub without being a crossdresser?

Me too Dana! Add cleaning floors, dusting (I HATE dusting!), cleaning windows, killing pot plants (innate talent I'm afraid) and repairing clothes...

Implying those are all 'feminine' strikes me as a little chauvinistic - not that I'm upset about that, not at all - I'll leave it to the GGs among us to threaten a 'curling tongs at dawn' reprisal... :) (But I'll take an element of credit in highlighting it for them... :devil:)

I think Steph just means that she spends productive time at home... (looking to smooth things over a bit..) :D

I can't think my wife is missing anything just seeing me dolled up - wouldn't that be a bit egotistical to think that? She's still getting me as me, just not a prettified me... (for whatever questionable value that has..)

Katey x

[sanderlay]

I can certainly understand an SO who wants to keep a normal relationship. It's easier to associate with family and friends. So why should they want to accept a CD? Are they not your best friend? Don't they walk the same path?


No, this is purely a cross dressers wish. The simple fact is that cross dressing is weird. No woman wants their husband or boyfriend to be weird. We are not "women" and not a "girlfriend." My wife who is totally accepting of my cross dressing and even goes out with me but would prefer I was not a cross dresser. It's a complication that is easier to NOT live with.

Perhaps... But is it really because the public just perceives a CD as weird and so they, the SO, does not want to be perceived as weird by associating with a CD? What would their family and friends think?

Personally... I don't see myself as weird. I'm different and certainly not normal as I'm breaking with gender norms. I'm making a statement with my life that the gender binary is wrong and that may cause some to say I'm weird. That's an issue to some persons.

When I came out and dressed, as I do full time with my mixed presentation, I had one friend who did not want to be seen with me in a skirt. They were afraid of how others would perceive them out in public when I was with them. Over three or four years now this dynamic has improved some what but not completely. I have other friends and family who did not have a problem and I've been with them out in public many times with no problems that I noticed. They acted perfectly natural.

Not everyone, including your SO, wants to come along with you on your path. And for some of us, like myself, we must go down this path. It is not as simple as a fun hobby. It is a need to feel normal and be my true self. That's very hard for a SO or friend to understand when they don't feel the way I feel. And it is certainly devastating that your best friend, your SO, would not want to be a part of this side of you. So yes... we wish we were accepted.

Yes... they are missing out... but that is their choice and what they feel they need to do for their path, even your best friend. Your paths may cross but we never walk the same path because we are all individuals. :)

[HalleysComet]

I think it's interesting that there seems to be a divide in responses based off of if someone is the CD or the GG S/O... I'd have to say I seem to agree with what most of the GG's have said on here so far. My boyfriend has tried to highlight the "positives" of his CDing- like we can go shopping together and paint nails together, etc, which are things I enjoy doing with my girlfriends. And I told him that although those are things I like to do, I don't need more girlfriends. I have girlfriends, and I already have friends to go to the mall with and paint nails with, so it's difficult to see these things as plus sides. I do think I'd be missing out on knowing the full picture of who my boyfriend is if I didn't get to know this side of him, but I was happy with how our relationship was before I knew also.

[sometimes_miss]

I know women tend to be more comfortable in the company with other women, and i wonder if they're missing out on a deeper connection.
They don't consider us 'other women'. they consider us broken males.
Perhaps you'd be interested in the dynamics of how and why people fall in love with each other; and why they DON'T fall in love with certain types. So rather than post entire books about the subject, here: Very briefly, women very rarely find femininity in a male to be a turn on. Without any sexual attraction, they're simply not going to fall in love with us. Just like gay males, they may find us suitable as friends, but that's about it. And, should they date us and start to fall in love with us, and then find out about such femininity at a later date, and believe that we hid it from them, they will very often hate us for it....well, maybe hate is the wrong word. Perhaps dispise suits it better. Been there, lived that.

[Jenniferathome]

No, this is purely a cross dressers wish. The simple fact is that cross dressing is weird. No woman wants their husband or boyfriend to be weird. We are not "women" and not a "girlfriend." My wife who is totally accepting of my cross dressing and even goes out with me but would prefer I was not a cross dresser. It's a complication that is easier to NOT live with.


...Perhaps... But is it really because the public just perceives a CD as weird and so they, the SO, does not want to be perceived as weird by associating with a CD? What would their family and friends think?...

No. The OP made no requirement that a couple go out. The idea presented was that ones wife/girlfriend could benefit by hanging out with their cross dressed partner. Public perception is not involved here. Cross dressers are not women. THATS the issue. Our wives and girlfriends are hanging out with their spouse who is basically in disguise. What if we wore a Batman costume and acted really brave. How would a wife benefit then? She'd likely think,"My husband is a bit weird." And she'd be right. I think one has lost all objectivity if they believe that wearing clothing and presenting as a women will make your spouse view you as a woman. Our wives and girlfriends do not suspend belief while we are dressed. Some are gracious enough to accommodate us and treat us normally! Now what can we cross dressers learn from that?

[~Joanne~]

My SO says that I am a much calmer person, more understanding, and that this has opened my mind past the blockades I use to have on different lifestyles and such. With that said, I don't think she benefits in any way, shape, or form from my CDing beyond that. Other than her wardrobe expands leaps and bounds.

I also agree 100% with Jennifer's post above mine.

[Confucius]

Well, we are talking about non-accepting S/Os. If you ever check out the forum for CrossdresserWives.com then you will find that they think they are missing out on a relationship with a man who enjoys being a man.

Non-accepting S/Os want a man who values his masculinity, and sees the male virtues as being more valued by society. They want alpha males, those men who are leaders, who will protect them, and who will make decisions for them. They see crossdressers as being insecure with their own gender. They think we've suffered from some childhood trauma that damaged our perspective of our own gender. They long for a strong, secure man who thinks in big terms, and provides for her security. They don't need another girlfriend, and they don't want a mate who is part male and part female.

I think this goes back to caveman days. Basically we still carry the same genes and natural drives as our cavemen ancestors. Back then the dominant male ruled the clan. He ruled by his own strength and he protected his clan. He got whatever he wanted, and this meant he had all the best females, and he rewarded his loyal lieutenants with valuable property (women). So today women are still attracted to dominant males - those men who are leaders, the rich, the famous, the influential. And men are naturally polygamists. I believe that today's boys who are bullies are just following their instincts that made dominant males so valued in ancient days.

[Daisy41]

I'm not sure how I can speak on this topic given I have a wonderful and accepting wife. But I can at least touch on her acceptance and regarding if she's getting anything out of the ordeal.

Like some GG's have said of their SO's, my wife accepts me and sees me as the same person regardless of what I wear. I don't change based on the clothes I wear. Yes, my mannerisms change, I act more feminine and what have you, but a lot of that exists outside of wearing a skirt as well, so maybe I fall more into the transgender area? At any rate, the only benefit she gets out of it is seeing me truly happy and the fact I hide nothing from her at this point. If I never cross dressed again from this day forth it wouldn't affect her unless it caused me sadness, then she'd be concerned. We do the same things out when I'm dressed or not dressed and I think that's been the key to our success. She doesn't see it as two sides and I don't treat it as such.

Now, my experience isn't everyone else's, but I think it reiterates to what some have said: being a cross dresser doesn't make you any more relatable to being a woman than say wearing a football helmet makes you relatable to a football player. I always consider it just a windowed glimpse of "what it's like", but the experiences are too controlled for me to really be able to know what my wife experiences. I understand somethings more, but I cannot be a replacement for a close, female friend to my wife, nor would I want to be. I am her husband and that's exactly what she needs me to be, regardless of gender expression. Your mileage, of course, may vary :)

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Thanks to Jess, Reine, need support, Greenie & Tinkerbell for their words of wisdom & doses of reality. We need to see & think more clearly through the fog . Peace, mel

[Stephanie47]

You guys need to lighten up! Obviously, a tongue in cheek comment does not come across in prose.


How does doing household chores equate to a spouse benefiting from your "Femimity"? I cook, wash
dry clothes, cook, bake, fold clothes, scrub toliets, the bathtub without being a crossdresser?

On the serious side, how many guys do you know that refuse to do any domestic chores because that is "women's" work as deemed by society? How many marriages do you know that are stressed because the working wife has two jobs; outside the home and then doing all the domestic chores in the home? Plenty I bet.

Anyway, my comment was done tongue in cheek. Lighten up!

[sara lahna]

it's like food you may find a type of food taste great but others just don't like it.

[Farrah]

I don't think I would call it, "missing out". I think its just a relief for us that they tolerate us. My wife didn't have to accept me, but she did. It was totally her decision, and I wouldn't have had any other way!

[Dianne S]

No, not really.

Would you get enthusiastic if your wife bound her breasts, packed something in her pants, cut her hair short and pasted on some facial hair?

Didn't think so... I think it's not reasonable to expect spouses to enjoy our cross-dressing. Even asking them to put up with it is asking a lot, IMO.

[Tina_gm]

I would echo the sentiments from GG's and some of the CD members in that there is actually little if anything that our GG S/o's are missing out on. Female companionship they can easily get from other GG's who can completely relate to them, not just in some ways. Unless they are are physically turned on by our dressing (which most are not) then that also is something they are not missing out on.

I also think that some on here may have more accepting wives or GF's then they realize. Accepting does not mean liking it. If they choose to stay with us, then they are accepting it. At least on some level they are accepting it. They accept it because they love us and want us to be happy and comfortable with ourselves. That by being able to express ourselves we are overall better people and a happier person which in turn makes us better to be around.

[mechamoose]

Umm, yeah.

If she had some level of gender disphoria (which my wife does) I'd be all over that.

We are who we are. Our mate's acceptance doesn't figure into that beyond keeping our regular lives together.

If it was just about us, we would have no issues. It is about how to help them understand that we are the same partner they fell in love with. We just have some extra features. We like to dress in pretty things. We just need to present differently than our genetics demand.

We are still the same person. We are still good people. We can keep our promises.

Perception and image is hard to maintain. We love them, right? We can do that while wearing heels.

- MM

[Valerie1973]

What's in for them? It would mean the world to me if I could share my other side with my s/o, but she wont anything to do with Valerie. DA/DT is that white elephant in the room and has created a wall between us. True they're not missing out on anything buy a supper happy husband that would give them the moon if we could.

[StacyLynn]

If the two people truly love each other for who the other is and cross dressing is getting in the way, then yes I believe they are missing out. I can totally understand why a GG would be uncomfortable having a husband/boyfriend that CDs, but if they love each other then it's just a speed bump in the road. Of course that is a scary concept for me because the older I get the more I realize that crossdressing is a part of who I am and It's not some fetish or guilty pleasure, and it scares me to think that it may negatively affect any future relationships I may have. I used to tell myself that if I found a mate I may not have the desire anymore but I'm probably fooling myself (though while I was with my last girlfriend I never had the desire).

[Stacy Cruz]

I hate the fact that so much of what my SO loves in me is due to my fem side. Its a shame to always hide a piece of me just to keep others happy.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Yes, definitely.

So I know my wife dislikes the crossdressing part, but ...

Steffi has many more friends than my boy self.

Steffi's friends sometimes do regular things, but sometimes go to plays, concerts, etc.

Steffi likes to dance (sober), My boyself needs several drinks to be comfortable dancing.

Steffi loves to shop. My boyself hates to shop.

Steffi is an extrovert. My boyself is an introvert.

What's not to like?

I think that Steffi and the Ms. could have a great time out if the Ms. could just get past the dude in a dress mind block.

[Jenniferathome]

I hate the fact that so much of what my SO loves in me is due to my fem side. ....

Stacy, you are equating "softer" personality traits with wearing a dress. They are totally unrelated. Not being able to recognize that difference will be a constant frustration for you.

[MissTee]

If one really stretched it, "missing out" might describe the end result of not experiencing a relationship with a crossdresser. It's hard to believe that would be high on anyone's list of things one must do in a lifetime. My spouse accepts it because she loves me and knows it's something I need, and we have established reasonable boundaries that make accepting it feel safe. For both of us. No doubt if I wanted to transition or even out myself to friends and family, then the relationship might not survive.

[Holly]

Let me preface this by saying my wife of 45 years is beyond accepting and supportive. She is downright encouraging. What she gets out of it is a happy and complete spouse with no reason or fear of sharing everything and anything with her. She gets a social life unlike anything we had prior to Holly making her presence known to her (many years ago). She gets confidence that no secrets are being kept from her. She gains the knowledge that she has given me a gift of immeasurable value... the freedom to be me.

Some people don't get it; like my son. I tried to explain it to him by reminding him that when he was growing up he like some forms of music that I didn't care for at all. He got involved in a band. His mother and I took him to practices and attended his concerts. Why? Because we saw that it made him happy and that was all we needed to know. Someday I hope he comes to understand that this (dressing and living as a woman) makes ME happy and that will be good enough for him.

In the end, I think that people in all kinds of situations can purpose to make the best of any circumstance if they want to. Sometimes it requires challenging ourselves and what we believe. More often than not, the reward is great. Overcoming the fear of change is the real issue here. Perhaps the greatest benefit a spouse/SO can receive is that they are capable beyond their own imagination to adapt and change and grow, and discover a deeper sense of self within. We humans can be pretty amazing.

[claire_hollinger]

Well. If the S/O didn't know about the femme side, then they aren't missing out in my opinion. Neither is one who is accepting and/or supportive. The main idea i was asking was do you think that a S/O who is unsupportive "DA/DT" interaction limits the relationship. Whether or not there is a division of your drab/femme personality, they always know about it in the back of their head. I'm not knocking mullets, but when i see a pic of someone with a mullet and talk to them, the mullet image is always in my head. I am just saying there is a REASON that the S/O is unsupportive, a psychological one in most cases. Im not saying if you don't like your man in lingerie, you're nuts, just that the issue is a personal one.
To connect on a truly deeply level, you should be willing to endure, not necessarily participate in, all parts of your S/O's personality. The main issue with us was i got into her clothes (so ladies, learn from me and respect boundaries). This was never meant to be a vent, or anything but boredom allowing thoughts to run unfiltered through my keyboard.

[Joanne108]

I'm sure they are they are missing the part of you they love but don't realize your are just wearing clothes. Somedays my wife is accepting somedays not. I have learn not to push an agenda.

[MatildaJ.]

Do you think that ... "DA/DT" interaction limits the relationship?

I think honesty & communication are good, but I think sometimes it's reasonable for people to make mutual kindness and warmth higher priorities than sharing everything. For instance, my husband really doesn't need to know my every anxious thought, whether about CDing or about my weight or about my career or my friendships, or whatever. I've got a million such thoughts, and sometimes it's best for me to keep them to myself.

Similarly, I don't need to know every thought or fantasy that runs through my husband's head. Is he imagining himself wearing the outfit I'm in? I don't need to know that.

We don't have DA/DT. His girl clothes hang openly in our shared closet and I wash them along with the family laundry. But if he chooses to dress more when he's traveling or when I'm traveling... that's fine with me. He hasn't dressed in front of me in months (except panties). I'll admit to not being the enthusiastic girlfriend a CDer might want. But we do okay.

[Leslie Langford]

I "get" that many women struggle with the fact that their husbands or SO's are crossdressers and maybe even transgender, and try as they might, they just can't get their heads around this.

Is it because of how deep their own heterosexual orientation is entrenched, societal brainwashing as to what constitutes a "real" man, jealousy, insecurity about their own attractiveness to the opposite sex, poor self-image, unhappiness with their own body shapes/sizes, worrying what the neighbors/friends/family might think, or any number of other factors - alone or combined with any of the above? Who knows the real answer?... but in the end, it is what it is.

All I know from my own perspective is that by forcing DADT on us and building this impenetrable wall around herself, my wife is effectively shutting an important part of me out of her life and consequently is getting only half a husband. There is a whole part of me that she will never know because of the choices she has made, and we are both the poorer for it.

This also puts a huge damper on the degree of intimacy between us, forces me to keep secrets just for the sake of maintaining peace within the marriage, shuts down open communications between us, and requires me to keep repressed feelings bottled up inside of me while at the same time having to listen endlessly to her feelings, fears, joys, frustrations, and disappointments etc.

Ironically, this is just the type of openness, honesty, truthfulness, and intimacy that my wife craves, yet she is the one who acts as the gatekeeper preventing this, as well as the possibility that we can ever be true "soulmates" as a result.

Sure, life would be so much easier and uncomplicated if I could just purge my female clothes, stop this "foolishness" and go back to being a "real" man. But as we all know, even with the best of intentions, that's just not going to happen - certainly not in the long run, anyway - and she might as well ask me to cut off my right arm for all the good that's going to do.

How I envy the younger generation which has access to so much more information about crossdressing, transgenderism and the like than we ever had at their age, and who can make far more informed decisions about where their lives can lead them to than we were ever able to.

If only I knew then what I know now...and, I suppose, so does my wife. :sad:

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Many here are saying they are nicer, gentler, more open, more confident people when dressed - almost as though there are two people. Honestly, I think you're the ones missing out. You're not living as a whole person and I don't think it's fair on a spouse to only show your best side while wearing a dress. That doesn't even sound healthy (is this some sort of personality split??) and I would think therapy would be a good idea to try and bring these two sides together.

[Joanne f]

A good point Tinkerbell .

[fem1989]

I also think that is a great point tinkerbell! While I dont ever expect my girlfriend to be excited about me dressing up we have talked about that some of the reasons she loves me so much is because I can be so caring sensitive and loving. While I dont lose those characteristics when I'm in my normal clothes she definitely gets they may not be a part of who I am if it weren't for for feminine side.
I agree that for those of us who struggle to show the more feminine side of our personality when in drab it is something that should be worked on. For yourself and for your SO because unless they are attracted to women being in a relationship with someone who is loving caring and sensitive is probably the only thing they truly have to gain

[mechamoose]

>Bad Influence mode ON<

Personality differences are hard to parse for someone who doesn't see it coming.

"If I didn't see this, what ELSE didn't I see? Who is this person? I feel like I have been being lied to!"

If you are in a committed relationship, there are a number of things that fit in the 'safe to assume' box. Suddenly being/appearing/acting different can throw off *anyone*.

My girl knew about my girly parts when we first met. She went ahead anyway.

If your partner didn't know, you have (inadvertently) assaulted a 'foundation' level thing for them. It makes them question almost everything else... even if those things have not changed.

It means you have to step up a bit and be reassuring. You need to help them understand that while you seem and feel different, it doesn't mean that the person they admired and fell in love with was a lie. You don't mean it to be, but that kind of change is threatening.

You are playing catch up.. they should have understood this earlier (I know there are all kinds of good reasons to have NOT done so.) but what is, is.

My heart goes out to those of you who are faced with this situation, but it is up to YOU to help *THEM* transition.

You know how hard transitioning is, right?

You care about them. You don't want to lose them.. You *love* them. My view is that YOU have the responsibility to make your change non-threatening.

Is it easy? NO! But *YOU* are changing. You need to help them through it.

>Bad Influence mode OFF<

Reassure her that you love her, that you aren't going anywhere. That you are still committed you the two of you.. you just need to figure out HOW.

<3

- MM

[JennyLynn]

Depends on what "missng out" means. In my case, my wife is done with sex...she's 47, I'm 53. She has tod me she's done with sex. Dressing would do nothing for that and not sure if it would be helpful in any other way.

[Vanessa5]

I feel my wife is missing out on a part of me. She is very not accepting. My son and daughter both like my choices in clothes and outfits for them and my wife has a hard time with it, even after admitting I have really good fasion sense. I have offered to help her pick out clothes but always get an insult to my "hobby". Not that it is the only thing but just one.

[Jules Spirit]

I do think that I unaccepting SO are missing out on a lot! It seems to me that many of the responses to this question are a reflection of what society thinks is acceptable instead of a real look at what a spouse may be missing by not being involved in something the other spouse loves. I would never want to ignore a part of my SO especially something that makes him so happy.

Beyond that, wives are missing out on the benefits of having a husband who can participate in fashion and makeup in ways a non-CDing husband could never do. I have learned so much about my own fashion, my makeup, my body image, and so much more because my husband is a cder. We do so much together that I would miss out on if I chose a DADT attitude.

Lastly, I love my husband and I do not care if he is dressed as a man or a woman, I love that person, and want to be a part of all of his life. I would really encourage women involved with a cder to let the wall down and embrace the person you obviously loved enough to be involved with. You life will be much richer!!! Mine is!! :)