I think I may be transsexual

[JuliaC]

I am going to try explaining this as best as I can. I am not really good at talking about or explaining my own feelings and such.....

So recently I have started getting strong feelings that I might be transsexual. I have this strong feeling that I should be a woman and would be more comfortable as a woman. But I am not sure because I don't really have that strong of gender dysphoria that most people that transition talk about. I mean I don't have any specific memories going back to childhood about feeling like I should be a girl. The first possible gender incongrunce that I can think of is when I first tried on some of my sisters clothes in the bathroom when I was about 12. This type of behavior happened on and off for a while and I started to think I might be a crossdresser. Once I got older these thoughts of wearing womens clothes became more frequent. Especially when I had the ability to go out and get some of them myself. Then 2 years ago when I started college I also began feeling that I may be better off a girl. This wasn't too strong until earlier this school year (my sophmore year) when I first looked into maybe being transsexual. I almost got to the point of trying to go to a gender therapist but that never panned out. These feelings where there but never that strong until the last couple of months. For the past month or so these issues have plagued me. Over the past few days I have looked at plently of different websites for help. I have also watched many youtube videos of other transsexuals talking about there experiences. When doing these things I could feel myself identifying with these girls. I would be so happy to be accepted as a woman and live my life as a woman. Along with these feelings though is fear...I am not sure if Id actually want that. I mean I don't hate my life as a guy so I can't possibly be transsexual. But I can't escape the thought of how great it would be to be the woman I often feel like I am inside.

I know many of you are gonna just dismiss this right away. I know I may not seem like a standard ts but I still have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I might be. Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Julia;

No one is going to 'dismiss' your feelings, however as you describe things, your feeling of being transexual seem to be reinforced by watching youtube of others experience. Being in college which is high stress, it may be you are seeking relief from the pressures of college life . Since you don't "hate my life as a guy", seeing a therapist is probably yur best course of action. A gender therapist is who you would seek for help.

[KellyJameson]

" I also began feeling that I may be better off a girl " "I would be so happy to be accepted as a woman and live my life as a woman" "But I can't escape the thought of how great it would be to be the woman I often feel like I am inside"

Why or how would you be better off ?

What does it mean to be accepted as a woman for you ?

How does it feel to be a woman for you ?

[mechamoose]

This above all- to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell. My blessing season this in thee!

- Pelonius, "Hamlet"


Hey, hey, hey, hey-now. Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

- Buckaroo Banzai

Be you. Figure out how the world will manage to cope with you, not how you will cope with the world.

<3

- MM

[Michelle789]

Julia,

I've been seeing a therapist for a couple of months. She told me that not all people who are TS experience early childhood dysphoria, and it is possible to experience it later on in life, although I started experiencing mine at age 5.

I personally don't hate my life, I mean I have things I'm really grateful for, but I personally hate being a guy and feel way better when I'm dressed as a woman or am called female, she, or by a female name. It even happened today, where I was freaking out how men get the short end of the stick and have no right to complain about the hardships of being male in our culture, at least not without getting their ass kicked. I just changed into female clothes, full from head to toe with wig & makeup, and I feel WAY better.

I hope you do get to see a therapist and are able to take the path needed to lead to being your authentic self and to happiness, whether you need to transition, or turn out to be a dual gender/bigender or an occasional cross-dresser. But please, do go get help. Feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk.

:) Michelle :)

[JuliaC]

Kelly D: I agree that seeing a therapist is what I should do but I do not have the money for it right now. And I get what your saying about it possibly being stressed induced but I also have these feelings when I am not stressed.

Kelly J: 1. I just feel like I would fit in and feel happier if I was a woman. When looking around I feel I identify more with most woman than with men.
2. For me being accepted as a woman means being viewed and treated as a woman.
3. Well when I have time to be dressed up being a woman feels calming and natural to me. Although this is when I am alone as I have not been out in public like this yet.

MM: Thanks for the support! Very nice quotes!

Michelle: Well that is very interesting to know that you don't have to have childhood dysphoria. That could mean what I am feelings really is some form of GD or GID. Yeah I definetly enjoy my life and feel amazing when I am dressed as a woman but I can't get myself to say I hate being a guy. There are points when I don't like being a guy and there are plently of times when I wish I was a girl though. I definetly should try to find a way to see a therapist. I am also pretty sure I am more than a CD just not quite sure I could go through with transtioning. I will definetly PM you sometime soon especially if I need someone to talk to. Thanks!

[Badtranny]

3. Well when I have time to be dressed up being a woman feels calming and natural to me. Although this is when I am alone as I have not been out in public like this yet.

Julia, I have no idea if you're TS or not, and it doesn't affect me at all one way or the other so I have absolutely no reason to give you anything other than my honest thoughts on the matter.

Dressing in women's clothes has nothing to do with being a woman. I can't speak to the "calming" effect because I don't recall ever experiencing it, but if wearing women's clothes in the privacy of your own home makes you "feel" like a woman, than you are misunderstanding something. Think about this carefully because if you are in the questioning stage than you need to know that nothing you can wear will make you feel one way or the other. This feeling like a woman thing is very tricky because how do you know exactly what a woman feels like? It's probably more apt to say you don't feel like a man, but even then, you have no barometer to gauge how any other man feels.

How you feel isn't really the issue anyway is it? I'm a TS (though some would argue) who has fully transitioned and I can tell you that I don't have any secret insight into how a woman feels. I only know how I feel, and I have found in my new life as a woman, that I sometimes feel the same about a given situation has my GG friends. Still, I don't think how I feel about anything has anything to do with why I transitioned.

I didn't hate being a man. It was all I'd ever known and I did okay, but I didn't identify with the other men. On the other hand, I did identify with women, and at the end of the day, I transitioned not because I felt like a woman, but because I wanted everyone else to feel like I was a woman. You see, gender is an expression not a feeling. I was free to feel however I wanted to even without the hassle of transition, but it was important for me to be treated like a woman. This is the part where people ask why in the world I would want to be treated like a woman, and my answer is simple, "I don't know, it just feels natural".

There really is only one reason to transition, and that is to have the world treat you the way you 'feel'. If you do it for any other reason, than you will be terribly disappointed, but honestly, how can you have any idea about how you feel if you don't get out in the real world and interact as the woman you would like to be? I know you think you feel like a woman when you dress up, but how will you feel when you're out in public? That's the feeling you need to pursue.

[mechamoose]

BadTranny:


Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

[JuliaC]

Melissa, thank you for your honest feedback. If I understand what you are saying and please correct me I don't you should only transition if you go out as a woman and get treated as a woman and that feels right? So my next step should be going out as a women and seeing if getting treated as woman feels right?

I would definetly like to try this seeing as i believe that feeling is one that I am seeking. I just have to try to figure out a few things before this will happen. But I hope it will happen soon.

[Jenelle]

Julia,

I can't help you with your questions but I do agree therapy would help. Since mentioned you can't afford it and said you are in college are there not free services available to you on campus? You might not be seeing a gender therapist but it might be helpful to check out what is available.

[JuliaC]

I guess I could look into that....Without being able to afford going to a gender therapist after I just wasn't sure of the point of going.

[Badtranny]

Melissa, thank you for your honest feedback. If I understand what you are saying and please correct me I don't you should only transition if you go out as a woman and get treated as a woman and that feels right? So my next step should be going out as a women and seeing if getting treated as woman feels right?

Um, close enough I guess, but you aren't likely to be treated as a woman because you won't pass as one. What you'll be treated as is something other than a regular straight male. The man you've been is not the man you will be and if you can handle that, then keep going. Eventually your presentation will improve to the point where you WILL be treated as a woman on occasion. That will give you a very particular feeling and it will be unexpectedly wonderful, or it will feel like "you fooled" somebody. Either way, you will have learned something about yourself. Keep learning.

The work we do IN ourselves before transition is much more important than the work we do ON ourselves afterwards. You owe it to yourself to find yourself, then love yourself, if a gender transition is necessary after that, than you can be sure it will happen.

[JuliaC]

Alright well I think I understand now. I understand that I won't be treated as a woman because I won't pass. But do you think if I can handle that I should further pursue getting hormones? I bet it is an amazing feeling to finally be viewed as what you have always been inside. I am definitely going to try working on myself and finding my true gender.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Julia I spent many years wishing I was a girl..i never hated my life...I never actually believed I was female.. I just thought I was this bizarre man that was constantly thinking of being a woman and secretly plotted that "someday" I would just become a woman..
I told these thoughts to transsexuals and to therapists and they just laughed it off...told me to enjoy my crossdressing and be happy...

well that didn't work out so well...I got a good job, I got married I raised kids... and day by day it all closed in on me...and then all of sudden I was trapped...the gender dysphoria kicked in, and it took years of very bad suffering to accept the reality that my life would be better if I transitioned..

I say all this because if I was 22 I would have said I wasn't a woman even though is wished I was... I even recall a therapist bringing in a dress for me to touch....she thought it might help me relax...ewwww!!!!

Back in those days I cared deeply about the clothes... I dressed up and I went out too... I drove around in a car...I haunted hotel parking lots at 2am...I was creepy...
I was slowly building up courage but also more feeling the NEED to be out and about as myself... as my one and only true gender... but I also repressed and compartmentalized these thoughts.. I was brutal to them... as soon as I realized I was thinking about it, I pushed it away...

but then I recall very clearly becoming desperate to meet people dressed instead of hiding out in my car...I would dress and then buy a coke or a blouse...and I didn't care how I passed or not... i did crazy things and then somehow "forgot" i did them...I needed to meet people as myself... and finally it hit me that 100% of my inner dialogue was about my gender..about my femaleness and expressing it..

and I mean 100%... I was not dysfunctional... I was unfunctional... I literally didn't care about anything...I couldn't..thoughts refused to enter my brain, it just kept buzzing...it kept saying , you are a woman..you need to be a woman..you can't live like this anymore...you are not alive...it was NONSTOP....it was horrible.

I didn't realize how much work I had to do to get out of the hole I dug for myself..
You've done a lot less digging and that's the good news, but my advice is don't think about transition. Don't think about HRT. None of that matters yet....
...yet!

Think about who and what you are... figure out your own best ways to test yourself...some ts people will say they knew since they were 5...they did!!!! well, I didn't!.....some ts women wanted to cut their own genitals!! I didn't!
I never hated my male life either...I just couldn't function in it anymore and I look back now on all of it as just a part of me.

so I did a lot of blabbing to say maybe some of this resonates with you, and we all (ts and not ts) have our own paths and our own stories... you have a lot of time..use it wisely!!!!

you do have to do hard work to ensure you thinking straight.

that hard work is therapy and hard self reflection...and if your work leads you to transition, you start sweating those details...in the meantime get yourself in best health...get your finances and career going as well as you can, you will need lots of $$ to transiton, and get as much hair permanently removed as you can afford..

++++++++++++++++++++++++

...people come here and say "i want to transition..i want hrt...look at my picture..do I pass? where can I get cute size 12 shoes?"

... we say..."find a great therapist...remove your hair"

[LenGray]

I'm rather in the same boat as you, at the moment :) I've never had strong gender dysphoria even though I've been a cross-dresser for several years. The idea of being a transsexual and transitioning to being a man is a very intriguing idea for me.

I've never fit in with girls and tend to think and act like what I imagine a guy would think and feel like. At times, I feel as though I am a man. But it's hard to know for sure, isn't it? I agree with the rest of the people that posted and suggest that you see about meeting with a gender therapist. Maybe it'll give you some insight and if nothing else you'll have someone from RL to talk about your feelings with.

Regardless of if you are or aren't transsexual, you should explore these feelings of expression and not let anyone dismiss them, including you :)

[Badtranny]

Back in those days I cared deeply about the clothes... I dressed up and I went out too... I drove around in a car...I haunted hotel parking lots at 2am...I was creepy...

This quote represents the value of the tiny TS forum. Kait is clearly here for the sole purpose of sharing an HONEST account of her transition. Her and I rarely chat away from this board and our lives and transitions have been completely different, so she is one of the people who always gives me a new angle, a new way to see something and the vision she gives me would not be possible without her honesty. Funny thing about truth is, you know it when you hear it. The truth is rarely pretty or even welcome, it comes out with jagged edges and crooked lines, but the truth can never be ignored for very long. Once it's out, it will just sit there and time and debate will eventually wear away all of the hyperbole until there it sits, it has been reduced to its essence and it's still taking up so much space that it at last must be accepted.

We talk a lot about brutal honesty around here, but it goes both ways. I have been brutally honest about what I've experienced in my struggles with acceptance and I know that some people have been helped by it. Kait's quote above has nothing to do with the outward trappings of transition or presentation. What she's trying to convey is what it feels like to struggle with the truth. A truth that is not just inconvenient, but inconceivable. She does not have to be this honest, there is nothing in it for her. My stories of being a closet queen who would cruise the local parks for other closet queens in conservative Bakersfield are stories that don't exist anywhere else but here. I don't bare my soul here because I'm proud of sucking c**k in a parking lot. I share these things because I know that there is at least one other person who may be struggling with similar gender and/or sexuality issues and the only way I can help is to just be as honest as I can.

When I read posts like Kaitlyn's I just get pissed off at so much of the BS that gets posted by people who are either afraid to be honest or they wouldn't know an honest feeling if it bit 'em on the taint. The ridiculous idea that we are trying to keep people out of "our" club is perpetuated by people who don't have a clue about what introspection really is. Nobody here cares if you're REALLY TS. What we care about is an honest self assessment, away from the outside pressures of life. What we keep trying to say is regardless of how life is treating you, or what life is expecting from you, you can't approach transition from the outside. We don't know who is what, but we do have an idea when we see people being attentive to the wrong things. Transition is an inside job and I swear to you that you will not feel any different than you do right now if you suddenly had boobs and looked like a girl. How can I say this? Because I have made the long walk to the other side and my hard earned feminine body is just my body.

I don't care who transitions and who doesn't, but this is a forum for transitioners and I come here to show an honest picture of the only transition I know anything about, my own. If your not going to be honest, than why bother posting anything at all?

[Suzanne F]

Melissa
That was so perfect! That is it! I want people to treat me like a woman. That is why I have loved this week so much. My mom, daughters and friends have all treated me like a woman. I crave that. I don't know what that makes me but that is the way it is.
Suzanne

[Donna Joanne]

Melissa said something that really hit home with me. She said:

I don't care who transitions and who doesn't, but this is a forum for transitioners and I come here to show an honest picture of the only transition I know anything about, my own. If your not going to be honest, than why bother posting anything at all?

I recently posted some photos and asked for "brutal honesty". But afterwards I realized that it doesn't matter what those around me think. I will be presenting as 100% female in public in the foreseeable future, because this is the next logical step in my transition. Will I have breasts by then? No. Will I look like a fashion model? Definitely not! But I will look like me. And I'd rather be an overweight and flat chested woman than the man who the world sees now. Because I already see that woman in the mirror looking back at me.

[Rianna Humble]

What we care about is an honest self assessment, away from the outside pressures of life. What we keep trying to say is regardless of how life is treating you, or what life is expecting from you, you can't approach transition from the outside. We don't know who is what, but we do have an idea when we see people being attentive to the wrong things. Transition is an inside job and I swear to you that you will not feel any different than you do right now if you suddenly had boobs and looked like a girl. How can I say this? Because I have made the long walk to the other side and my hard earned feminine body is just my body.
:yt: :yrtw:

Melissa has said it with her usual clarity and honesty. I certainly could not have said it any better.

[Rogina B]

Fenway Health can help you and perhaps NAGLY as well. I suggest you google them and contact..

[JuliaC]

I will definetly look those two place up. Thanks Rogina.
I just got told about Boston GLASS so I think I am going to go there to get some free therapy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's a great idea. The more people you meet the more chance that something clicks for you to create progress in living your best life

[Aprilrain]

Kaitlyn basically tells my story so I won't bore anyone with my details. I don't know if you're TS or not, don't know if you should transition or not. All I can say about that is once I knew I needed to transition, I KNEW! All the bullshit just vanished, what needed to be done was crystal clear and transition has been my life for the best part of 4 years now. I have focused heavily on the phyisical aspects and practical realities of transition the rest just fell into place for me. I only have two suggestions for anyone who even thinks they might remotely consider maybe posibly transitioning.
Get a therapist and start hair removal yesterday.
If your poor then either get a good paying job or rob a bank because transition is spendy to say the least.
(just kidding, don't rob a bank)

[kerrianna]

Hey Melissa, I read your replies on here, and would like to apologize for being dismissive, rude and judgmental to you before. You really are cool. :)

[carolynn2fem]

Hello Julia
I started reading this thread because I too am questioning. Am I more than a CD. Bad tranny cleared some of that up for me all thou I think her name is misleading. I only have 2 thoughts to add. while you are getting in to a position to afford thearepy look for a local support group and make a pro and con list for transition. . just be honest with your self. no one else truly maters

[JuliaC]

Hey Carolynn
It is so confusing questioning all of this. All though I feel like since I got to the point of questioning it there really must be a part of me that needs to transition. Bad tranny does make some excellent point. I am probably going to go to a therapist soon hopefully. I think making a pro and con list sounds great. I started trying to make one but they almost seem to be balancing out. I will try to be as honest as I can with myself.

[carolynn2fem]

In questioning a established norm we are seeking our own truth. We should be careful is separate our wants and needs. at present me want by far out weighs my need unlike some of the girls here. I can only imagine what they have being thou.

[JuliaC]

At the present time I feel like I want to transition more than I need to. Lately I can't stop picturing myself in the situation of every girl I see. I feel like I would be so much more comfortable and happy being in there situation than my own. I know everyone has there own problems and being a woman is hard but I can't shake the idea that is what I want.

The good thing I guess is I have a while to think about this....I mean I would start transitioning to early next year at the earliest because of some plans I have at the moment. I think why my desire to transition is so high right now is because if I transition I want to do it when I am still somewhat young and don't have connections with a wife and kids. Considering im pretty convinced at somepoint these feelings will become overwhelming and I will HAVE to transition.

[emma5410]

What you will find is how ordinary life as a woman is. There is no special feeling attached to everyday life. You might feel more comfortable in yourself. Perhaps even a sense of peace if you have had GD for much of your life. But life will go on as before. It may be more difficult depending how well you pass. You may find it hard to find a partner. The reality of living 24/7 is hugely different then dressing up occasionally. Do not transition unless you have to.

[carolynn2fem]

It sounds like you are in a exploitory mode witch is good. but to be the kid in the candy store that goes home to diner with a tummy ache is not good either. just being adults we should subordinate our wants to our needs in order to achive our best out come

[Donna Joanne]

Julia,

Please please please find a qualified therapist in GID and talk to them. DO NOT RELY on this forum to determine if or when you begin to transition. This is a body and life changing procedure. In a previous post the comment was made " Do not transition unless you have to." If you are a transsexual you HAVE to for your own physical and psychological health. Find a therapist and get some counselling. Praying for your success.

LDH!

[Marleena]

I don't care who transitions and who doesn't, but this is a forum for transitioners and I come here to show an honest picture of the only transition I know anything about, my own. If your not going to be honest, than why bother posting anything at all?

Good point! I find the majority of long time posters in this section to be honest. They share their experiences and what worked for them. New posters here will almost always get the "don't transition unless you have to" or "seek out a gender therapist for help". I never even posted in this section until I had my answers and was on HRT. I knew very little about being TS and I'm still learning what's going on with me.

It might look sometimes like we're being cruel but quite often new posters are just interesting in having their own boobs to look better in dresses without knowing the full consequences of HRT. Then there's the fantasy stuff and even people that hated their man life and could be using the TS label to escape reality. Some of the stuff that gets posted makes you go HUH? I'm sure I posted some HUH stuff too in the beginning.

It's all about getting the right answers and a gender therapist and good support groups are the best place to start. You will get good advice here but it's no substitute for working and talking in person with people. I can say that most members I've contacted here by PM have been pleasant, helpful and caring.

[JuliaC]

I understand what everyone is saying and do plan on trying to see a gender therapist soon. Also I do understand that being a woman is nothing special. I can't be sure but I do feel like being a women is a need not a want for me. While I don't know how it feels to be a woman I am starting to understand how I feel. I believe that I will feel better if I am living and being treated as a woman. Hopefully I can figure out if I need to transition but I know there is a deep down part of me that wants to be a woman. That will feel more complete and confident in myself as a woman.

[rian]

Dear Julia
I think if you are happy to be who you are as a male gender yet would love to feel and enjoy being a lady gender then why not gain both worlds ....try to live normal and switch when the time is right to be a woman ...Yet to me I try to change as soon as possible when the chance generate itself ,,,I'm thinking as a woman most of the time ( wearing lingerie , women dresses , put on nail polish , make up ...),,,but once I'm alone I quickly transform to my natural loving nature of me .....a woman ...so I can enjoy both worlds

[JuliaC]

HI Rian
I understand what you are saying but just crossdressing hasn't been satisfying to me. I don't just want to dress as a woman. I want to BE A WOMAN.

[Christina Sevilla]

Ever since i was a child i felt that i was born with the wrong sex. The desire to be female is very strong even though i tried for many years to be a man but the desire is always there. Dressing up in women's clothing has always made me happy but something is still missing. I would like to have breasts, vagina and female curves and be a woman 24/7. I know it will be a long journey and an expensive one but that hope and desire keeps me going.

[Susan Hewitt]

That's a lot like my story, too. ; )

[joleentgif]

i feel as i am in a similar boat, being 28 recently married with a recent daughter and after years of crossdressing i seem to see it in a whole new light. Now wanting to live as a women and live out the dream, i am not sure if part of me feels i have done my part and giving her the child she has always wanted and now i am being selfish? she is very understanding about a lot and known her for year and she has found selfies of me dressed but does not seem to bring it up. being from a small town and a long travel to talk to a therapist do i risk it and try to have the convo with her or try to find out what a therapist says first?

[Michelle789]

No one is being selfish by transitioning or questioning their gender. It's part of who you are. I once saw a documentary about transgender children, and the mother of her transgender daughter said that she'd rather have a living transgender daughter than a dead son. All of us have different paths. Many of us have childhood dysphoria feelings. Some of us don't. Some of us figure out we had childhood dysphoria later on in life by looking back and saying, "ah, that was dysphoria" even though we didn't understand it at the time.

I would say to anyone who is questioning your gender, young, and not married. Don't get married. Figure out yourself and your path to being yourself before you hook up with a partner. I'd rather be single or find a partner that accepts me as I am later on in life than get married and repress my true self and face nasty consequences later on in life.

There is hope :)