Survey (success with coming out to SO)

[justbejulie2]

I am hoping to eventually get into another relationship, and am wondering whether coming out would end the relationship.

So two questions:
A: When you came out to a SO in the past, did it? 1. end the relationship, 2. strain the relationship, but it's still going. 3. It's great, I have the best of both.
B: For those if you in a commited relationship today: 1. I'm hiding it. 2. I came out, but it's a sore point. 3. I came out successfully. (2 and 3 are the same as above.)

Julie

[Katey888]

Julie - I hope you (or someone) is going to put this all into a nice powerpoint pie chart or graph at some point - I'm defo not going back through dozens of posts trying to work out the stats.. :)

B: 1. for me...

Katey x

[DAVIDA]

I told Jean the night that I asked her to marry me.:o
She said, "So?".
We are in our 24th year of marriage now.:D
I sit here in a dress and she is sitting in the kitchen.:thumbsup:

So I would be A-3.:)

[iGenny]

B-1 for me.

[Marcelle]

Hi Julie. I came out to my wife after 24 years of marriage. In response to your survey:

A. 3
B. 3

Hugs

Isha

[Foxy Lady]

B-3 forme. My wife was shocked at first but has been greet the last 46 years

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julie, A-3 just had our 50th anniversary.

[Noel Chimes]

A 2. B 2. At first she was comfortable with me but as time went on she became reluctant to acknowledge me in "doll" mode.

[Lacey New]

Alas, B.1. - and it will always B that way.

[cdinmd206]

I guess I am a B1. We are presently separated but CDing had little if anything to do with it. She was ok with my dressing and we even went out together quite a few times with me totally dressed.

[Donnagirl]

A2
B2

And it is still hard work....

[Nadine Spirit]

Um... Not sure about the scale with the past and present.

I think I get it so I will say B-3

[kimdl93]

I came out before we were engaged. We've been married for 15 years and she's witnessed my progression from underdressed to living nearly full time en femme. It got to be too much for her and I have backed off to some degree.

[PaulaQ]

A-1.
We separated 4 months after I came out.

[devida]

A.3, b.3

[Ellie52]

For me I couldn't be happier. Ive been married 28 years and my wife is very supportive. I told her about 3 years ago and today I have a whole closet full of clothes/lingerie and shoes. I wear tie wrap skirts all the time around the house/garden/driveway and some shops. Our son and the neighbors dont care and people in the shops have never commented yet. For me I am living a dream as I have tried going out en femme but didn't enjoy it (I felt very silly, like I was at a party that I had been told was a fancy dress party but nobody else was dressed in fancy dress) and much prefer wearing a skirt with male attire, and occasionally getting dolled up for some photo's. Thats just me though...

[S. Lisa Smith]

I am among the most fortunate. I am a 3 in both. I came out after about 17 years of marriage (and two CD Halloweens, and going to my cousin's 50 birthday party that was women only en femme). While my wonderful wife is supportive to a point, she doesn't want to meet the Lisa me. That being said, she asked me if I wanted to dress yesterday while she was out.

[Claire Cook]

A3 / B3. I love being her husband, partner, lover and BGF ... after 46 years. And Happy Annverisary Orchid, that is special!

[Adriana]

Hi Julie, I came out to my wife after dating for 2 month's. ..I know crazy, but it worked out great. A) 3 B) 3 been married for 7 years now :)

[Cheryl T]

My wife "discovered" me about 25 years ago quite by accident.
That incident was a 2.


10 years ago I couldn't take the hiding anymore and told her outright that I had to be me and I had to express myself this way.
That started as a 2 and after much conversation, many tears and lots of learning became a 3. And I'm so very happy that it did, for now I truly have the best of both worlds....my expression and her support.

[MissTee]

Hey Julie,

A3, B3 for me. Married nearly 40 years now.

[Carly CD]

A= 1 and 3 The first S/O I came out too it ended the relationship, but when I came out to my wife shortly after we got married, it has went great ever since.

B= 3

[Angie G]

I came out to my wife of 46 years about 7 years ago, And it's been awesome.:hugs:
Angie

[Raychel]

I did come out successfully, it did strain the relationship at the time, but now it is great, I have the best of both. So, B3, A2, A3, in that order

[Jenniferathome]

B3, married 27 years. Came out 3 years ago.

I want to add that I am affirm believer that cross dressing does not end relationships. It may change your relationship. Cross dressing can be the proverbial 'straw that breaks the camels back' but any relationship that has a strong foundation can survive this revelation. Many here have proven that. This does not mean riding unicorns into the sunset will be the result. DADT can be the result as well. Can you be objective about your relationship? How solid is it?

[kittypw GG]

So what if it ends the relationship??? Would you want to be with someone who does not support all of you? Think about that and just be honest. Let me warn you that if you keep this a secret so you can get married and have children..........you WILL suffer, at least to some degree in the future. BE HONEST PLEASE.

[CarlaWestin]

First wife, sorta pretended to be OK with it until she got pictures for her attorney. That plan backfired miserably.

Current wife, not at all thrilled. DADT and she doesn't want to see me dressed at all. All of my clothes are in closets and drawers in my man cave with pairs of Carla's shoes lining the wall and a chair piled with bras and stuff. I get the occasional snotty comment but it's understood that we each need to enjoy our lives. I never let the pink fog cloud my judgement but, I certainly wouldn't just stop crossdressing so as to appear to be someone else's version of proper.

[Chrissy52]

A2 b2

[ronny0]

A = 3
B = 3
A + B = 6

PS: She bought me a new dress for Easter...

[Dannigirl]

When I was in my teens (many years ago) I told my GF, she seemed to have fun with it and gave me makeup and clothes and we went out a couple of times with me dressed and then either the relationship ran its' course or she decided it wasn't something she could deal with anymore.

For current relationship we have been together 8 years, I told her after 2 or 3 years and we are all good. She is 100% fine with it all and buys me stuff and takes me shopping and will go anywhere with me anytime. She says whatever makes me happy as long as it isn't murder or being with somebody else.

Sorry I would use your rating system but I forgot what it was and don't want to go back a page in case I lose my answer !

[Sally24]

A3 B3

We've been married 36 years and usually do pretty well. I told her before we were engaged so I definitely encourage early sharing.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Married 35 years known each other 40 years, I told Jos I was a female after 24 years together as married.

Took 8 years for Jos to accept because im intersex and being different Jos and others accepted that ,

,success no, trying to understand is not so easy let alone know what its like, yes we stayed together for 14 more years, had our marrage anuuld and Jos has remarried, we are still close as friends / sisters we still talk about things and do a few things as we have allways done,

i would doubt very much any woman would or will be interested in a friendship or relastionship
any way therell be very few who dont know my history . and that goes back over 10 years and I told Jos over 20 years ago,

...noeleena...

[bridget thronton]

Rocky start - but still together (39 years married) and I do dress and do not hide it

[KristinH]

B3, I came out to my SO after about a month of dating, when I could see that things were progressing well and getting serious, and she was very accepting. Although in the past I had an 'A1' where after a year or so of dating my GF found my stuff. After that I decided that it was best to bring it up early in the relationship because it will come out sooner or later and by bringing it up myself I could control the way that it was presented.

[Beverley Sims]

My wife is not over enthusiastic but shares adventures with me.

[Emily43]

b-3

As for past relationships that would be a-2 (we split after 12 years)

[Alice B]

A-3 for me

[Eryn]

A-3 It was definitely a bump in the road after 20 years of marriage but we got past it.

B-3 We share both sides of me and have a great time doing it!

[Taylor Dame]

A-2, B-2. My SO has known for a number of years, but it has remained basically DADT. We have been married 34 years, and I love her and respect her wishes. We were shopping at Ross this February and she bought me a skirt, so things seem to be gradually working out for the best.

[njcddresser]

A - 3
b - 3

[Dani0948]

I"m a B1. With a little luck and a lot of courage maybe I can get to a higher number later this year (after daughter's wedding).

[MatildaJ.]

As a GG, it seems to me that a significant factor is how much of your time /interest /sexual energy goes into CDing, and how much is left for being a sociable companion who shares some of your SO's interests.

If our preferences in bed no longer overlap, and our hobbies and interests no longer overlap, then it's going to be harder to maintain a relationship over time, and either person may start wondering why they are still together.

[Ann Thomas]

A: 2
B: 2

I'm of the opinion that in today's world, where I live, I would be honest on the first date about who I am, or even before. It's not worth putting the time into a relationship where the other person could fall in love with an image that is created for their enjoyment, and not yours as well. Life is just too short - they need to love all of you or it's not worth it.

Ann

[Leslie Langford]

R2 D2...no, wait!...that's one of the robots from Star Wars. A2 B2 for the purposes of this survey, actually.

Strictly DADT in my case. Some glacial movement forward and grudging acceptance of my CDing after 40+ years of marriage, but it's still a huge elephant in the room. I'm at the point where I simply don't care anymore and just do my thing because I understand now that my wife's aversion to my CDing is less about the concept itself, and more of a manifestation of her need to be a control freak in all other aspects of our relationship as well.

The guilt is gone now since I've had this epiphany (counselling has helped open my eyes to this aspect), and I see my wife's uncompromising attitude towards my crossdressing and her rejection of my transgenderism as being more her problem at this point than mine...

[Laura912]

A3 B3 and very lucky

[RachaelInLv]

a-3 and b-3. She was a little taken by surprise when I first told her and it took her a little time to wrap her head around it but it all worked out fine.

[Marguarite]

Hi Julie,

A3, B3 like most things my wife was ahead of the curve and knew I would be serious about dressing before I did.

[Brenda456]

A-2, B-2 in my case. It may get to a B-3. Maybe.

[Trinity Sue]

A-3 B-3 I came out to my wife . She is truly awesome ! 20years and counting !

[Wildaboutheels]

Neither apply to me but keep in mind that many of the A1s didn't/don't stick around long. They obviously can't answer. [the ones who decided to spill the beans AFTER coming to this Forum]

And your B2? It's DADT. Which comes in MANY flavors per all the folks who post here and keep their Relationship intact. The ones who value their RELATIONSHIP more than their CDing.

Of course DADT can't work unless the GG allows it. It IS a compromise from her but just something that many here have issues with obviously.

[Robin777]

I'm an A3. I came out to my my wife after I proposed and she said yes. She thought it was a little strange at first,but she accepted me for who I am . We have been married for 34 years. (I had to do the math LOL). I am sitting here dressed watching TV and typing this on my laptop. She is sitting in the next chair over using her laptop. Normal evening.

[Launa]

I am:

A 3

B 3

[Davina4587]

I am and I think I'll always be a B1

[Kathyxd]

A3
B3

I'm very lucky too!

[Wildaboutheels]

This might help...

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?175955-For-those-of-you-with-SO-s-that-are-aware./page3

[ChristinaK]

1st wife, totally cool, even with sex dressed. 2nd wife, panties at first, then nighties, but nothing else. 3rd wife, panties, then nighties, then panties only, the rest DADT and cannot understand at all.

[Paula_Femme]

I've never hidden my cross-dressing, so in the past I've had a mixture of A1 & A3, and in my current relationship, my girlfriend is also a member on this forum, we're a VERY happy B3! :lovestruck:

[Tami Monroe]

I never came out to any of my previous wives, or family. I came out to my current wife last May and she is accepting, except she does not want to see it. However, she wants me to be happy and do whatever I need to do to be happy myself. I can't ask for more.

[Lorileah]

with wife A3 after being together maybe 5-6 years, married 27 years total together 35
With GF A3 before we physically met and she went out with "me" when she moved to Denver.

[Aylineira]

A 3 and B 3 for me. I really went about it in a slow manner and always asked if she "liked" it for me. Now she's so comfortable with my female persona that I can pick just about anything.

[ReineD]

I'm a GG. My SO came out to me the first week we were dating. I already had strong feelings for him (we had known each other for a few years), so I did not want to let him go. I wanted to make it work. We've had our ups and downs, but everything is OK now. My SO can express herself whenever s/he wants to and we go out in public together, albeit not too often lately. My SO's schedule has been crazy.

Edit - it's remarkable how many A3/B3s there are. Whoever said that most wives will either put their foot down and say no, or end their relationships. :)

I also believe that if the relationship is good, the crossdressing won't end it. Not if both people are genuinely interested in meeting in the middle.

[Jolene Robertson]

A-3 B-3 For me, 17 years married and going strong. I am lucky indeed. She even helps me with shopping and makeup. I didn't come out till about 3 years ago but she was not surprised and everything is cool. I just wish more wives were as accepting for those who have to hide.

[Charla McBee]

A3, B3 I suppose.

I've known my wife since we were kids and I came out to her during a mutually drunken night of confessions long before we rekindled our relationship as adults. So she was well aware long before we tied the knot. The only thing that does bug her is when I get too self-conscious and start freaking out about those mysterious creatures known as strangers and what they might think of me.

[SandraV]

A2 & B2 for me.
Working on and hopping things get better....

[sexycindy]

A.2 My gf didn't get it, but after we both researched we are happy and she is my strongest support and gets frustrated that I want to go out, but can't. So she's gone from running away, to dragging me along.

B.3

[Tina_gm]

When I came out to my wife it strained the marriage but has not ended it. Over time, the struggle has gotten to be easier, although is still there at times.

[samantha rogers]

2 and 2
Is that sufficient?:battingeyelashes:

[VAWyman]

A2
B2

Still difficult, but we're working on it.

[Athena_]

A2. I do think this could have been handled better by myself. I was found out verses being honest with my spouse of 20 years at the time.
B2+. DADT officially, but we do joke around about my "curious habit" occasionally. She has given me some clothing items that she doesn't want anymore, and that is a positive I suppose.

This all being said, I wish I had found this site before being found out. I would have been much better prepared about how I feel and been better able to articulate my feelings to my spouse.

[Valerie]

A3 and B3 here also. It never ceases to surprise me. What a blessing!

[Megan70]

A3 and ;we go out all the time as 2 girlfriends, dinner, movies shopping. Can't get more accepting than that.

[chris80]

A3B3 Known my wife 50 yrs, married 46yrs. She found out after 12 yrs of marriage and her reaction was 'that explains a lot, I'll help'. She still does, I dress at home and we have several weekends away yearly at TV meetings. A great mutual interest in women's clothes helps.

[JamieG]

2B or not 2B?

But seriously...

A: 2
B: 3

Married 13 years, came out 11 years ago. Our relationship was very strained at first, but now its stronger than ever and my wife is very supportive, bless her heart.

[Laura28]

My Responses
A #3
B #3

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

B : 2

She used to come out with me back when I would get together with friends for an outing.... Not so much lately... I don't spend any time around her in femme mode... She doesn't hate it, but accepts it. Doesn't stop her from throwing it in my face sometimes when we argue (it's one of her favorite cards to play, even if it has nothing to do with the argument)... Oh well. I still get to dress pretty much whenever I want.

[MsVal]

B3

I came late to the party, having finally figured out that I was a crossdresser after 28 wonderful years of marriage. It was a big strain for a brief time (a few months) and she now wants to support me.

The woman is a saint, and I'm the luckiest fellow you'll ever meet.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Melissa73]

i dont know how to respond! When i came out to the now ex wife, She had already come out as lesbian to me. Then a week later i confessed my dressing to her. And she pulled away saying, had she known i dressed, she would never have married me. (I was confused at her words, like i was the only one to confess anything. but she justified it as "she didnt know she was lesbian, but i knew i was a crossdresser.")

[KristinaP]

For A: 2 and 3
B: 3!

[christie]

B: 1

She has caught me once and it strained the relationship for a while, but since that I have taken extra steps to hide.

[Jamiegirl1]

B-2 for me,she hates everything about it,never wants to see me dressed, I have to dress away from home.......

[sometimes_miss]

I am hoping to eventually get into another relationship, and am wondering whether coming out would end the relationship.
A: When you came out to a SO in the past, did it?
A1. But you're never going to get reality statistics for this one. I think that there are something like 35,000 members on this forum, and less than 1% are active (the mods can tell you more accurately); many come to learn more about what & why, and then leave after they learn what they want to know.
For me, out to my wife, it was the beginning of the end. Eventually ended in divorce, wife very angry. Blackmailed me for all assets. In my mind, I had gone over it many times, and every situation, I believed that all the good things about me would easily outweigh the ONE 'bad' thing, my crossdressing. Oh how very, very wrong I was. Crossdressing interferes with the basic sexual attraction that women need to feel for us for romantic love to exist. Consider all the horrible things that women will accept in a male, as long as he is masculine; he can be a crook, a liar, a cheater, criminal, a mass murderer, seriel killer, consider that even the most despicable dictators such as Hitler, Stalin and Khan had their female admirers. Even a prisoner in a jail, as long as she sees him as masculine. But if you throw in something that makes her reconsider your masculinity, you're playing with fire, and her attraction to you can quickly evaporate. And once the sexual attraction is gone, love usually follows it out the door, and she's gone; and if you were married, your assets are often gone as well. If you're coming out to a wife, make sure you have cash on hand and a plan should you be thrown out of your house, your credit cards cancelled, your credit ruined, your car reposessed because she may have it reported stolen.

When considering coming out TO ANYONE consider what you would think would be the worst possible outcome, because it's more likely than you want to believe. If you can live happily with that result, then go ahead and tell them. Because despite the pink fog that surrounds us here, very, very few women are going to be happy to find out their boyfriend/husband is a crossdresser, and we're looking at sub 1% odds here. You are truly more likely to win the lottery than find a woman who finds mtf crossdressers sexually desirable and want one for a husband. Even on this board, the number of women who like their mate to crossdress is miniscule; the ones who stay with their husbands usually only tolerate it, and often not enthusiastically, it's frequently something they simply will accept as long as it's not something they have to be part of.
With that said, good luck. You're going to need it. Tons of it.

[trisha kobichenko]

My answers...
A: 3, but not without a lot of soul searching communication
B: 3, but I am sensitive to mood and timing of expressing myself as female
It's a lot for an SO to process in a short timeframe...I have been married for 30+ years, open and out for 3.

Trish

[prene]

A-1 for me more than once

[Christine.Lolita]

I came out to my wife before we got married, but it took alot of work for both of us to be comfortable with my feminine side.

Survey response:
A-3
B-3

Thank you,

Christine

[Laura28]

I have been married for over thirty years and together with my Wife since high school. I told her when we were dating ( we were dating for 8 years prior to getting married) I am not sure when but i do recall were i told we were at the drive in in the back seat having a little fun and i said i like to wear womans clothing, she said ok, maybe i will dress you some time. That was proably 38 years ago. Over the years i dressed off and on but hide it from her more out of embrassement then fearing her reaction. About 5 years ago i told her that i want really want /need to dress more she said fine lets go shopping. Today i dont fully dress in front of her but she has seen many pics of me dressed and always makes sures i pack Laura's stuff when i travel for work. So i would have to answer
A: 3
B: 3

[Josie]

When I first came out to my wife it was B3 but after a while it became B2 and it will probably always be. I did not go slow enough at first and I didn't let her catch up.

[Sarah Doepner]

A-3 for me.

Jenniferathome has it right. Crossdressing is a factor in a relationship, not the whole ball of wax. We had been married for over 27 years when she found out about my crossdressing. She was supportive of me until she passed away 11 years later, but with clear boundaries and an understanding that the things she loved the most about me were things that she felt were related to my desire to explore my feminine side. If she had seen it as anything else, it may have been the end of things right there.

[Katie01]

What seems clear form the posts is it really depends on the situation. I told my GF last weekend and she was fine about it, even playful. I now wish I had told my ex-wife of 26 years. I don't know how she would have reacted but do I think she sensed that I had a secret and could not understand. How could she? We still would have split for other reasons but that part of it wash't very fair to her. I'm looking forward to see how things develop with my current GF. In any case, I think if everything went south romantically I'd still have a girl-friend who I could confide in, which is great.

[avant1465]

I revealed my CD-ing to my (now) SO shortly after we started dating.... about 2-1/2 years ago. She was not only accepting... she was downright encouraging!!!! What a great partner to have found!!!!!!

Sorry, but, NO, she doesn't have a sister!!!!!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Now, A-2, B-2.

When she first discovered, it was pretty close to a 1. So I guess some progress has been made,

[LeeAnne]

A:3, b:3.

[tappanty]

I just tried to bring out a little bit, wearing panties or some lingerie, and she was not on board with that. A year later she filed for divorce, so that's an A1 for me.

[EllenJo]

Interesting survey Julie. I hope you tabulate the results. I came out to my current wife long before we were married. She accepted the underdressing but not full dressing. It became a DADT thing. Then about a year and a half ago she suddenly accepted on her own and told me to be me. She has been supportive ever since. So I guess that makes me an A:2 for a long time but now an A:3 and a B:3. I love her so much and spoil her every chance I get. In my case it just took patience.
Hugs
Ellen Jo

[Carroll]

I came out to my first and second wife's after we were married. Did not sit well with either one so it was a DADT deal. My third wife I told on our first day. she was cool about it and now
Her and I share clothes!

[suchacutie]

B3. We "found" Tina together after 34 years of marriage so there was nothing totell or hide. It's been a wondwonderful advadventure to find out all about Tina!

[Farrah]

I came out successfully!...Well I didn't come out exactly. She found out and I simply explained everything she wanted to know. So far, our relationship is great!

[Stephanie47]

A 2- with a modification. I dabbled in my mother's lingerie as a kid. When I was dating my future wife I had not dabbled in lingerie for many years and I had absolutely no desires when I was dating. After being married for awhile I was lured back into lingerie. My wife and I shopped for really sexy long nightgowns in Macy's and Gimbel's and other stores in Manhattan. She would caress my body with the gowns. Oh, the feel. One day I tried one on. Because I truly loved the feel of nylon caressing my body that became part of our bedroom activity. A part, not exclusive. Well, I was on the slippery slope. Slip(pery) as in me now buying really sexy full slips. Slips were my favorites when I dabbled in lingerie as a kid. My wife was OK with it UNTIL I purchased a sexy Vanity Fair lacy red bra and panty set. That ended it all with her. She could not understand why I would buy a bra when I had nothing to "pack" into it. Good point from a women's point of view. We weathered the storm.

B-1 When in a DADT relationship as I am, is it hiding it" No, since she does not appreciate my cross dressing and wants nothing to do with it or even discuss it, then it's not really hiding it. She knows where some of my lingerie is located. The vast majority of my fem clothing is stored in sixteen Zerox boxes stacked in plain sight in the rec room.

[Velocity]

I am happy to say that I can answer 3 on both. I came out to my wife after 10 years of marriage. She was genuinely surprised and curious but figured that if it floated my boat then more power to me. She pretty much treats it like a hobby that I have that she has no interest in but she humors me when I ask her opinion on how outfits look or if I want her to do my makeup. I have been able to shop for clothes with her and she is going with me to a transformation service next month where I plan on venturing out into public fully dressed for the first time after my makeover.

[Joanne f]

Hello justbejulie2,
if you are starting a new relationship the it is best to come out fairly soon as the longer you leave it the harder it gets , as for me it did cause some problems to start with as my wife knew nothing about the subject so it no doubt scared the hell out of her, now I can be who I am as she has no problems with it which is insolently not a CD .