Encouraging my wife ,,,,,

[rian]

Dear All
I have reached with my wife to a stage where she knew all my cross dressing after several attempts during the years of discovering and showing her with lot of patience my real identity...Yet she approved all what i am but refused to see me dressing asa woman ...she even supported me by buying lingerie...make up , .... several times , but asked me to cross dress privately ....
Nonetheless my joy is not complete without me sharing every moment with her as a woman...so do any one of you ladies have an idea or a way of encouraging my wife to complete the road to the end .
My joy will be complete when the day come seeing my wife sharing all with me.....it is my dream...please send me your lovely ideas especially if you had any experience with this type of experience.....

[michelle.foster]

Riana,
You will be told by many of us here to be patient with her. Give her time. I will suggest that you occasionally ask or suggest for her help in applying make up or matching an outfit, and accept her answer. NO IS NO and don't push. She may come around.
I might suggest start by letting her see you wearing panties full time. Don't throw it in her face but I wouldn't really hide from her either.
If you're not hiding it from others in the house, throw your soiled things in the wash. Subtle things, leave you make up out.
Only you can tell judge her reaction, go slowly, watch her response and proceed at her speed.
IMHO

[Nadine Spirit]

My suggestion tends to be the same; talk with your wife. Don't do things and show her and hope she will be accepting. Odds are good it will only irritate and annoy her. Inroads can be made into the land of acceptance, but I believe it can only be done through speaking and not showing. All you really will be doing is to shove it in her face. That is not kind or respectful. Conversing is. So go talk to her about it.

[Dana3]

Personally a lot would be prefectly happy with the arrangements you have? I know I would! I'd be over the moon with joy and happiness if my wife were to buy me almost anything.

[Annaliese]

There has been some good advice given, Patient is the key, and one day she might accept all of you. Putsh to much and it may never happen. PS, your avatar picture is beautiful.

[ReineD]

Nonetheless my joy is not complete without me sharing every moment with her as a woman...so do any one of you ladies have an idea or a way of encouraging my wife to complete the road to the end .


You don't realize this yet, but if your wife ever becomes accepting enough to spend evenings with you dressed on a regular basis, eventually even this won't be enough. And it won't be enough because she will still mostly think of you in male mode.

You will then want to meet other people and develop your own set of friends who do not know your male self. I've always been hugely supportive of my SO, but eventually she began to establish a network of people that she could do things with, rather than just stay home or go out with me. I became "old hat" so to speak, as is bound to happen in any long term relationship. She almost never dresses just to stay home with me now. It's too boring. lol :p

So rather than ask something of your wife that she is clearly disinterested in, why don't you join a CD support group and start attending their meetings regularly? If you do this, be sure to keep inviting your wife to come along with you periodically. You do want her to know that she is welcome if she ever has a change of heart.


Edit - So sorry, I just saw that you live in the Middle East. I'm assuming there are no CD or Trans support groups there? Do you travel sometimes?

[Eryn]

What I don't suggest is any way of just slipping it in on her. That comes off as sneaky and manipulative.

Better to talk to her directly. Tell her how you feel and ask her if there is something that the two of you can do to help you feel better.

[Michelle (Oz)]

You don't realize this yet, but if your wife ever becomes accepting enough to spend evenings with you dressed on a regular basis, eventually even this won't be enough. And it won't be enough because she will still mostly think of you in male mode.

You will then want to meet other people and develop your own set of friends who do not know your male self. I've always been hugely supportive of my SO, but eventually she began to establish a network of people that she could do things with, rather than just stay home or go out with me.

My strong preference would be to have a supportive and involved wife. She is my best friend and we do (most) things together. While she knows about my dressing, it is an abhorrence to her. Of necessity I keep my femme world separate to my marriage.

You are very fortunate to have a wife that has some involvement in your dressing but that can be a trap - my second wife seemed supportive until she left me "for a real man" as I continued to push for more participation.

But there is a simplicity in keeping your femme life separate to your marriage. It creates a mindset that preserves the husband my wife wants, avoids the emotional roller coaster that often comes from our wives dealing with CDing and, enjoyably, the only boundaries on my dressing are self imposed. Yet she knows I dress and occasionally I subtly remind her that I do.

And as wise Reine observed, I am building a network of friends and acquaintances. My two worlds occasionally coincide but generally I keep them separate.

Sure, talk to her but don't think that her participation is a necessary precondition for a very fulfilling life as a CDer.

[kimdl93]

It seems that the consensus is a. Don't attempt to manipulate, b. be patient, and c. Develop an alternate network in the event that your wife can't participate in the manner you hope for. All I would add is that it is entirely fair and right for you to want her involvement. While she may not be able to give that, you have every right to express your feelings on this matter, just as she has every right to her own. Strive for honest sharing, free of demands on either part.

[krissygurl]

Great advice everyone. I'm on step one, and hearing all the girls having talked to there wives, it is so encouraging. Thanks.

Rian, I hope the best and I too would feel complete with my wife sharing it all with me, but as a begginer looking into the future, if it turns out my wife learns and knows and allows it, but doesn't want to see it, I would feel very grateful for that. If that happens tho I'm sure I would be hapier with more :)

[rian]

thank you my dear Annaliese


You don't realize this yet, but if your wife ever becomes accepting enough to spend evenings with you dressed on a regular basis, eventually even this won't be enough. And it won't be enough because she will still mostly think of you in male mode.

You will then want to meet other people and develop your own set of friends who do not know your male self. I've always been hugely supportive of my SO, but eventually she began to establish a network of people that she could do things with, rather than just stay home or go out with me. I became "old hat" so to speak, as is bound to happen in any long term relationship. She almost never dresses just to stay home with me now. It's too boring. lol :p

So rather than ask something of your wife that she is clearly disinterested in, why don't you join a CD support group and start attending their meetings regularly? If you do this, be sure to keep inviting your wife to come along with you periodically. You do want her to know that she is welcome if she ever has a change of heart.


Edit - So sorry, I just saw that you live in the Middle East. I'm assuming there are no CD or Trans support groups there? Do you travel sometimes?

Yes my dear Reine.....I live in the middle east...no way I'm allowed to show a small thread of being a crossdresser...that is why my wife is so scared for people to know and do not encourage me to see my activities...I it very dangerous...

[Krisi]

The danger in developing other CD friends or groups (other than the fact that she lives where she lives) is that these friends and activities will take away from wife or family time. She will be choosing between her wife and the CD activity and the wife may associate this neglect with the crossdressing and resent it.

I think trying to get the wife to accept the dressing (around her) is a better plan and I would go about it by just telling her and showing her how much she loves her and proving that she is the same kind and loving person dressed as a woman as she is dressed as a man

[rian]

What I don't suggest is any way of just slipping it in on her. That comes off as sneaky and manipulative.

Better to talk to her directly. Tell her how you feel and ask her if there is something that the two of you can do to help you feel better.

Dear Eryn
we have talked a lot that it is my second nature to be a woman,,and I asked her only to accept me as I am ,,,,yet she is raised in a very traditional family where men are men ..full control of a family destiny ...I thank GOD that she accepted me wearing panties and bras ,,makeup ..but still the Idea of seeing me in-front of her is completely rejected ,,, Yet in the region where I live that is considered a big taboo...might ruin a person's life if exposed...that is why it is secret ...there is a misunderstanding between straight honest crossdreseer and other black activities....

[NicoleScott]

...my joy is not complete without me sharing every moment with her as a woman.

Among us, there are all levels of tolerance, acceptance, and participation with our wives and S/O's. Many with unaccepting, intolerant wives would love to have what you do: acknowledgement of your need but anything further (seeing you dressed) is a more than she can handle. If you are a crossdresser, you should do your thing without insisting on her participation.
BUT......the quote above seems to indicate that you are not "just a crossdresser", see yourself as a woman, and want to live your life with her as a woman. Maybe she wants a man as her partner. Patience, as a strategy suggested by others, should not be seen as some amount of time I must accept before she inevitably and eventually comes around. She may not.
If my wife recognizes that I love golf, and has no objection to the vast amounts of time and money I spend on golf but does not herself like golf - in fact, hates it and does not want to watch or play. How can I bring her around? How can I manipulate her into participating - and liking it? What if she never does? Is that her problem or my problem? It's OUR problem and may be a deal breaker for the relationship. Do I want to insist that our relationship is dependent on her participation in something she hates?
No, crossdressing is not golf, but analogies are about relationships, not direct comparisons.

[Kate T]

You are in a somewhat awkward situation Riana. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond your control it is extremely difficult if not impossible for you to find support groups. Your wife becomes the only person you can garner support from and this unfortunately also places a huge load on your wife. Your wife is likely worried about you and your children, as you have said previously the impact from someone finding this out in your society could be devastating.

My best suggestion is be patient. Try to focus on it less, refocus on you wife and children. Also be willing to have a bit of a laugh at yourself over it. Try and see it from her point of view as well. The biggest mistake most CD's make is assuming their partner will enjoy the same things they do. Try doing something together that is a bit feminine but doesn't require dressing e.g. giving each other a pedicure.

[kelly0]

Rian - I am in a somewhat similar situation. After reading this thread, I think the advice is sound.

My wife feels about the same way (since I told her last August). So it has not even been a year for us. I'm not even sure i'm at the point where I want her to see my dressed. I think I would feel embarrassed still.

We see a therapist and for what its worth, the advice from the therapist is consistent with what you have heard here ----- you cant force it at all. If this comes at all, it has to be from your wife. It has to be her acceptance with the decision to participate.

Good luck and keep up the communication. thats #1 thing

sincerely,
kelly

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Riana, I'm pretty much where you are and I don't push it I know my boundaries and stay within them, Life is good.

[Krisi]

Well it seems I misunderstood. If you really feel like you are a woman inside, not just a crossdresser, it's understandable that she would not want to see this. She married a "man" not thinking there was a woman inside. Not seeing you dressed as a woman is her way of coping with this. I can't really offer any advice in this situation.

[carhill2mn]

I understand your feelings. However, it does not seem likely that your wife will change her mind any time soon. People on this forum have posted examples of a spouse gradually changing her attitude about seeing her mate en femme. However, the opposite also has happened. Even the more accepting spouses vary in their ability to be accepting.

Meanwhile, try to accept and honor her feelings as best that you can. Any changes will have to come from her. You never know, she may surprise you some day.

[Jorja]

I think you need to remember the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink.
You can dress and learn makeup. You can learn to walk and talk to perfection. Until your wife takes a notion to join you in your quest, it is not happening. You can not force her to enjoy something she does not enjoy. Be happy with what you have which is more than a lot of crossdressers.

[Beverley Sims]

If you keep putting pressure on your wife to be more accepting, you won't have anything to dream about.

She has the capability of snapping at any time and could become totally unresponsive.

Lay off and be thankful for what you have achieved already.

Confucius say, "Children should not play with fireworks". :)

If I am not blunt and unpleasant enough, see how your wife reacts if you keep pushing.

[ClaraKay]

Yes, acceptance of your CD ways has to come from within your wife. Pressing the issue would be counter productive, in my opinion. In my case, my wife is fully supportive, but it wasn't always that way. In her case it was a matter of clearing up misconceptions about the transgender condition, and, one by one, removing the obstacles to acceptance. It helps to understand where the resistance is coming from. Much of hers stemmed from ignorance and the uncertainty of where it would all lead. If those fears can be allayed, the goal of extending your CD needs to include the participation of your wife is a lot easier to achieve. Of course, the barriers to her becoming comfortable with it could be so numerous and so strong that nothing can be done to overcome them. Still, knowing that would help you to set a realistic expectation for the future and avoid making your situation (which is not really too bad, as has been pointed out), much worse.

[ReineD]

Yes my dear Reine.....I live in the middle east...no way I'm allowed to show a small thread of being a crossdresser...that is why my wife is so scared for people to know and do not encourage me to see my activities...I it very dangerous...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.

Is it safe to find one another via the internet? Might there still be groups that meet in private?

Here in the US, even though it is not legally punishable to crossdress, many crossdressers feel as if they will be severely judged by others if they are seen in public presenting as a woman. So there are many support groups that meet in private and that provide a changing room for the crossdressers who do not want to travel to the meeting while dressed.

I'm sorry that your wife does not want to see you dressed.

[giuseppina]

The advice here is generally good, but something I don't see mentioned here is a membership for your wife on cd.com. Perhaps that would interest her.

As nice as your avatar looks, it could be a way for the fashion police to identify you. There is facial recognition software available that goes by facial geometry and can see through makeup. One picture is all the authorities need.

Your wife is right to be scared. I heard a story from your area about a lady who was whipped because she chose to wear trousers and not a skirt or dress (:Angry3:). Here in Canada, that would never happen because it is not a reasonable limitation on our constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression.

[Laura28]

Rian, i to am in a simaler situation with my wife, she is very supportive and loves me dearly, she loves to get things for Laura , cloths shoes make up... and encourges me to dress as i enjoy it. She loves to see pictures of me dressed ( I travel and do most of my dressing while out of town). She has no problem with me wearing panties, bra and small forms and nylons, around the house under my male outfits or in skinny jeans (which i love). She loves me totaly shaved and i have been doing laser to remove all body hair,But when it comes to the full presentation she is not wanting to see that other then in pictures??? We have discussed this and she says maybe someday, i dont push it. We have been married for over thirty years and she has known about my desire to dress since before we were married, over the years my desire has come and gone but the past 5 years i have accepted it and embraced it and find it is a part of me. We continue to talk about it and i am sure some day she will want to see me fully dressed but in the mean time i dont push and accept what i have. There are a lot of greatr suggestions here so good luck

[rian]

Dear Nicole ...thanks for your analysis ...yes I would love to dress in front of the one I love and share every secret in our lives ...and what is funny is that she always tell me to plce my girly undies with hers so the children will not suspect anything ,,,but she insists that She will not be involved...

[rian]

The advice here is generally good, but something I don't see mentioned here is a membership for your wife on cd.com. Perhaps that would interest her.

As nice as your avatar looks, it could be a way for the fashion police to identify you. There is facial recognition software available that goes by facial geometry and can see through makeup. One picture is all the authorities need.

Your wife is right to be scared. I heard a story from your area about a lady who was whipped because she chose to wear trousers and not a skirt or dress (:Angry3:). Here in Canada, that would never happen because it is not a reasonable limitation on our constitutionally guaranteed freedom of expression.
Dear giuseppina ,,,is it true that the fashion police can identify us even with the makeup and wigs?....well at least I will known in the open ,,,,,I hope not because this will make my life more difficult ...bu the way what about if we blur our pictures ....do they still identify ...hehehehe

[rian]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.

Is it safe to find one another via the internet? Might there still be groups that meet in private?

Here in the US, even though it is not legally punishable to crossdress, many crossdressers feel as if they will be severely judged by others if they are seen in public presenting as a woman. So there are many support groups that meet in private and that provide a changing room for the crossdressers who do not want to travel to the meeting while dressed.

I'm sorry that your wife does not want to see you dressed.

No my dear Rei

[rian]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.

Is it safe to find one another via the internet? Might there still be groups that meet in private?

Here in the US, even though it is not legally punishable to crossdress, many crossdressers feel as if they will be severely judged by others if they are seen in public presenting as a woman. So there are many support groups that meet in private and that provide a changing room for the crossdressers who do not want to travel to the meeting while dressed.

I'm sorry that your wife does not want to see you dressed.

No my dear Reine ...I do not dare to call on line or a group ...I think the best thing to do is keep it like this till something come up ...

[rian]

If you keep putting pressure on your wife to be more accepting, you won't have anything to dream about.

She has the capability of snapping at any time and could become totally unresponsive.

Lay off and be thankful for what you have achieved already.

Confucius say, "Children should not play with fireworks". :)

If I am not blunt and unpleasant enough, see how your wife reacts if you keep pushing.

Yes I agree i knew that there is a very refined barrier between breaking and accepting me as a CD ...amazingly once she asked me about the pictures I take of my self,,,I showed her ...but she calmly saw them and said nothing later...I even showed her some pictures in another site in the internet ,,,she smiled but no reaction ....and we continued our lives as usual ...with no involvement...

[Stephanie47]

Years ago my ultimate need was to have my wife buy me "just one pair of panties" for my birthday. To me it would signify a level of acceptance that was not present. With some retrospect I came to realize that I was still not comfortable with myself. To have my wife participate would valid my cross dressing. I came to realize pushing my wife to accept my cross dressing was nothing short of spousal abuse. Mental spousal abuse, not physical. I came to realize I did not need her approval to validate myself. I have not tried in over twenty years to push the subject. If she wanted a woman as a mate or lover, she would have chosen one. Accept what you have. If she wants to participate more, she knows where you stand. Frankly, in the atmosphere of oppression you live under I wouldn't want your relationship to blow up in your face.

[Tina_gm]

my wife has many difficulties with this. She has not so bad times and can joke about this, then times when she wants to run away from me like I am on fire and covered in toxic waste. It definitely cannot be easy for a hetero woman at all. Perhaps at some point you will have to accept her limitations and be happy that she understands that you are who you are. That is compromise 101. Remember how much she is giving by staying with you through this. I know there are some who have hit the jackpot with understanding and accepting S/O's but most do struggle immensely with it all. Be happy with what you have, it is more than many.

[JaneHenderson]

How can a wife accept the reality of unstoppable sexual adventure? xx