Lindsey C
04-27-2014, 03:51 PM
Warning: Long post ahead!
Hello everyone! I just posted my short introduction. The purpose of this topic is to expand on my entire life - relating to possibly being GD and TS - and to receive opinions and even answers on what I am. Bear with me though, I don't have the best memory, and I have always been horrible at expressing my thoughts and ideas in words.
My earliest memories under 7 years old:
I remember trying on my Mom's knee high boots with heels. Another time my mom asked me or my only sibling (a younger brother) to throw away one of her bras for her. I remember us standing in the kitchen next to the garbage and he tried it on as a joke. The thing is I wanted to try it on but was too scared to just because of the fact that I wanted to.
Between 7-10:
There were a few main themes in these years. First, I had a best friend who did dance and aerobics. Her birthday was the day before mine. On her 7th or 8th birthday she had an aerobics themed party at her dance studio. At one point everyone was supposed to do cartwheels down the mat. My friend was the only one to do a one-handed cartwheel. I followed right after her and actually did my own one-handed cartwheel! This was the first time I had ever done aerobics. My mom got me in to the aerobics class where I was the only boy. That didn't make me feel special - rather I felt like it was unfair because I was a boy and the rest of the class were girls. At the end of the year recital I had a different costume than the girls. While they were pretty in sparkly dresses I had to wear a blue shirt with black pants. I remember wishing I was just one of them. The next year I did tap dancing too with the exact same results at the next recital.
Second, I had two younger female cousins (not blood related though) who lived next door in a house along with some of my grandparents. When I was in my apartment with my brother we would play either video games, with our toy cars, or make up games with stuffed animals. When my mom went over to visit she brought us, which ended up being most days, since my dad worked. Now the older cousin and I had a strong connection, we were both the older sibling and only a few months apart. I remember multiple times where I almost ended up wearing some of her clothes, but I didn't out of fear of my brother or anyone else finding out. We never got enough privacy to actually live out that dream of mine.
Finally, I used to think the girls in my classes were pretty. However based on not starting puberty until 12 or so I think what I was feeling back then was actually envy because they were GGs.
From 10-12:
I moved to Florida right after elementary school. I had a lot of trouble making friends I guess because I am just not confident with myself (or maybe I was/am experienced GD and not realizing it. Going to school was always depressing to me social-wise. I had no problems academically. I escaped into video games, one in particular. A shooter game that had multiplayer on the computer. However I didn't just play it. In a game where pretty much everyone was male I "pretended" to be female for no other reason than that it felt right. I had no idea why.
12 on and onwards:
This is when I started to really get self conscious with my body. Everyone was hitting puberty and I was neither growing boobs, or putting on height like most other guys. I would always be looking at girls in envy. In High school I had the same difficulties making friends. I just felt awkward all the time. I finally hit a growth spurt right after 9th grade but I never put on any mass still. Before this month I have always been self-conscious about being smaller than most of the guys. I kept wanting to work out and put on muscle so I could try to fit in and gain confidence in myself. I never did though until around this year. However I always found myself looking in the mirror at my chest the most. Recently though I stopped being even though I wanted to gain muscle to fit in with the guys, I even more so want to appear more like a woman and keep my skinny stature.
So I seriously starting considering crossdressing around 13 and that's when I started lurking the CD part of this forum. The knowledge I gained from others' experiences along with being an unpopular senior who stopped caring what others thought of me, led me to shave my legs and then get my nails professionally painted. I wore crappy guys flip flops to school and I had lots of stares and questions about why. I asked myself why as well. It just looked and felt right. I bought my first panties the summer after my senior year. While it was a turn on, I never got off while wearing them. I just did it because it felt right. I didn't start masterbating until this last Christmas. And it wasn't really out of a desire to do so - more because it seemed like I was the only guy who didn't do it before he was 14 (based on online chat group members).
TL;DR start here
Now the dilemma.
More and more recently I have been looking at my body and wishing for wider hips, a skinnier waste, a better butt. Just more feminine features. I have never liked what I see in the mirror. A week ago I starting feeling an overwhelming desire to go out presenting as a woman. This could be the pink fog but I feel like there is more to it. Reason being I went out and purchased some girls jeans, a camisole, and a tank top. While I loved wearing the jeans when I tried them on, the cami and tank did nothing for me. The reason being that I don't have boobs. And now I find myself thinking how great it would be to have them (this again supports my earlier focus on my chest after working out).
I've had a year at uni now and I still don't have a desire to make friends - or do anything really. I can barely motivate myself to start homework the night before, much less study. I have been attributing this to just being unmotivated and a procrastinator (this has been going on since middle school by the way). Now I think it might be GD and/or depression.
So am I just a CD being delusional or is there something more? Last week I would have said I was just a CD. But I have been reading about TS's experiences for the first time and one post I ran into struck a chord within me it seems. I used to think that if I was TS I would have always wanted to be a woman, while always hating being a male. But the following post along with some other stuff I have read contradict this "condition." :
Thank you to everyone for their honesty on this forum which I have stumbled across when trying to make sense of the news we received from our child a few days ago. He is 19 and has led his life as his gender dictated, there have been no signs to us or parents that he was gender was anything other than male. He said that around 10 months ago he started questioning who he was and that when being around women he was looking at them with a view that he wanted to be like them.
As you can imagine everyone including his girlfriend is in as state of shock and confusion at the news. One of the hardest things to grasp is that our child only began to feel this way such a short time ago – we naively felt that this is something that surely he would have had an incline about for a number of years and wondered whether it other pressures that have bought on these feelings what appears so suddenly – so it has really helped me to read the feelings of everyone hear and learn that these feelings can indeed happen at anytime in one’s life.
I read this last night after a google search, on genderfork.com. That post destroyed any fantasies I had that there was no way I was TS because of the fact that I didn't want to 100% be full woman all my life. After I read that I cried for I don't even know how long and then went to bed. I can't remember the last time I cried. I think the main reason was that after reading about CDing for 5 years I was finally growing to accept it. Then to find out that my life could end up being even harder - I just couldn't handle it.
If anyone has any questions about anything I could clear up let me know. I tried to be thorough but a whole life story... not that easy. (:
Hello everyone! I just posted my short introduction. The purpose of this topic is to expand on my entire life - relating to possibly being GD and TS - and to receive opinions and even answers on what I am. Bear with me though, I don't have the best memory, and I have always been horrible at expressing my thoughts and ideas in words.
My earliest memories under 7 years old:
I remember trying on my Mom's knee high boots with heels. Another time my mom asked me or my only sibling (a younger brother) to throw away one of her bras for her. I remember us standing in the kitchen next to the garbage and he tried it on as a joke. The thing is I wanted to try it on but was too scared to just because of the fact that I wanted to.
Between 7-10:
There were a few main themes in these years. First, I had a best friend who did dance and aerobics. Her birthday was the day before mine. On her 7th or 8th birthday she had an aerobics themed party at her dance studio. At one point everyone was supposed to do cartwheels down the mat. My friend was the only one to do a one-handed cartwheel. I followed right after her and actually did my own one-handed cartwheel! This was the first time I had ever done aerobics. My mom got me in to the aerobics class where I was the only boy. That didn't make me feel special - rather I felt like it was unfair because I was a boy and the rest of the class were girls. At the end of the year recital I had a different costume than the girls. While they were pretty in sparkly dresses I had to wear a blue shirt with black pants. I remember wishing I was just one of them. The next year I did tap dancing too with the exact same results at the next recital.
Second, I had two younger female cousins (not blood related though) who lived next door in a house along with some of my grandparents. When I was in my apartment with my brother we would play either video games, with our toy cars, or make up games with stuffed animals. When my mom went over to visit she brought us, which ended up being most days, since my dad worked. Now the older cousin and I had a strong connection, we were both the older sibling and only a few months apart. I remember multiple times where I almost ended up wearing some of her clothes, but I didn't out of fear of my brother or anyone else finding out. We never got enough privacy to actually live out that dream of mine.
Finally, I used to think the girls in my classes were pretty. However based on not starting puberty until 12 or so I think what I was feeling back then was actually envy because they were GGs.
From 10-12:
I moved to Florida right after elementary school. I had a lot of trouble making friends I guess because I am just not confident with myself (or maybe I was/am experienced GD and not realizing it. Going to school was always depressing to me social-wise. I had no problems academically. I escaped into video games, one in particular. A shooter game that had multiplayer on the computer. However I didn't just play it. In a game where pretty much everyone was male I "pretended" to be female for no other reason than that it felt right. I had no idea why.
12 on and onwards:
This is when I started to really get self conscious with my body. Everyone was hitting puberty and I was neither growing boobs, or putting on height like most other guys. I would always be looking at girls in envy. In High school I had the same difficulties making friends. I just felt awkward all the time. I finally hit a growth spurt right after 9th grade but I never put on any mass still. Before this month I have always been self-conscious about being smaller than most of the guys. I kept wanting to work out and put on muscle so I could try to fit in and gain confidence in myself. I never did though until around this year. However I always found myself looking in the mirror at my chest the most. Recently though I stopped being even though I wanted to gain muscle to fit in with the guys, I even more so want to appear more like a woman and keep my skinny stature.
So I seriously starting considering crossdressing around 13 and that's when I started lurking the CD part of this forum. The knowledge I gained from others' experiences along with being an unpopular senior who stopped caring what others thought of me, led me to shave my legs and then get my nails professionally painted. I wore crappy guys flip flops to school and I had lots of stares and questions about why. I asked myself why as well. It just looked and felt right. I bought my first panties the summer after my senior year. While it was a turn on, I never got off while wearing them. I just did it because it felt right. I didn't start masterbating until this last Christmas. And it wasn't really out of a desire to do so - more because it seemed like I was the only guy who didn't do it before he was 14 (based on online chat group members).
TL;DR start here
Now the dilemma.
More and more recently I have been looking at my body and wishing for wider hips, a skinnier waste, a better butt. Just more feminine features. I have never liked what I see in the mirror. A week ago I starting feeling an overwhelming desire to go out presenting as a woman. This could be the pink fog but I feel like there is more to it. Reason being I went out and purchased some girls jeans, a camisole, and a tank top. While I loved wearing the jeans when I tried them on, the cami and tank did nothing for me. The reason being that I don't have boobs. And now I find myself thinking how great it would be to have them (this again supports my earlier focus on my chest after working out).
I've had a year at uni now and I still don't have a desire to make friends - or do anything really. I can barely motivate myself to start homework the night before, much less study. I have been attributing this to just being unmotivated and a procrastinator (this has been going on since middle school by the way). Now I think it might be GD and/or depression.
So am I just a CD being delusional or is there something more? Last week I would have said I was just a CD. But I have been reading about TS's experiences for the first time and one post I ran into struck a chord within me it seems. I used to think that if I was TS I would have always wanted to be a woman, while always hating being a male. But the following post along with some other stuff I have read contradict this "condition." :
Thank you to everyone for their honesty on this forum which I have stumbled across when trying to make sense of the news we received from our child a few days ago. He is 19 and has led his life as his gender dictated, there have been no signs to us or parents that he was gender was anything other than male. He said that around 10 months ago he started questioning who he was and that when being around women he was looking at them with a view that he wanted to be like them.
As you can imagine everyone including his girlfriend is in as state of shock and confusion at the news. One of the hardest things to grasp is that our child only began to feel this way such a short time ago – we naively felt that this is something that surely he would have had an incline about for a number of years and wondered whether it other pressures that have bought on these feelings what appears so suddenly – so it has really helped me to read the feelings of everyone hear and learn that these feelings can indeed happen at anytime in one’s life.
I read this last night after a google search, on genderfork.com. That post destroyed any fantasies I had that there was no way I was TS because of the fact that I didn't want to 100% be full woman all my life. After I read that I cried for I don't even know how long and then went to bed. I can't remember the last time I cried. I think the main reason was that after reading about CDing for 5 years I was finally growing to accept it. Then to find out that my life could end up being even harder - I just couldn't handle it.
If anyone has any questions about anything I could clear up let me know. I tried to be thorough but a whole life story... not that easy. (: