Devastated

[Michelle V]

My wife just told me something that devastated me! She said she does not care to hang out with other CD/GG couples. I tried to make a point saying that it is a social necessity for me to met other people like me. She insist that I should be able to make friends with people that have more in common with me than just CDing.

This is the life I have chosen, this is my wife and my true love, she accepts me as I am and supports me in everything, my wife is more than fair in our relationship and to be honest is the one that works all the time in improving our love life and everyday lives. I am a happy man, so why does it bother me to know that I may never be able to hang out with people like me?

[Helen_Highwater]

Really it's no different than being a classic car owner and wanting to go to the club rally. People with a specific interest tend to get together. The difference is that you can bore your non classic car owning friends by talking about your hobby but unless you're totally open about your CD'ing it's not something that your wife can reply to when a friend says, "So what did you do Saturday night? "
So yep I can understand your wife's stance.

[Taylor Ray]

Why does she have to go along? Perhaps you can explore your social interests during your "me" time.

[marsha leanne]

michelle, it may be that she is totally overwhelmed with all of the others. She is struggleing to come to grips with just you, and to have so many others around may be terrifying to her. back off and give her time and room to digest it all. maybe, she will go with you again,4-6 months down the line. dont push now. let her vent, let her process, let her breath.

[Jenniferathome]

Michelle, it's really not that big a deal. She is thinking that she has little in common with other cross dressers and she's right. Despite the fact that you are a cross dresser, cross dressing is likely quite uninteresting to her. Still, I would't write this off entirely. It's a strange idea at first. She may very well change her opinion in the days, weeks and months to come. Don't stress too much about this.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michelle, You should be happy that she accepts you.

[franchesca]

Sorry sis... were kinda in the same boat. My SO is extremely supportive but meeting and hanging out with other tg/gg couples isnt really on the agenda right now. Sad part is im only 20 mins from you :sad:

[AllieSF]

Is she against herself going out with you to meet other CD's and their SO's, or she doesn't want to go and also does not want you to go? If it is only her, in my opinion, no big deal. If you can't go, that is a big deal if you have been doing that already. Either way, as Jennifer said, give her time and keep communicating.

[Stephanie47]

My wife goes bi monthly meetings of women who share a specific interest collecting figurines. I have absolutely no desire to attend, although I am always invited. Go alone! I also agree there should be something more to a relationship than just wearing clothes. Cross dressing bowling? Cross dressing golf?

[Nadine Spirit]

Sorry to hear that Michelle. I know how much you would like to include her. It is good that you are attempting to speak with her about all of this. I do agree that with time things may change. Just keep the communication going.

And hey yeah, what about going by yourself? Could that work?

[Beverley Sims]

Michelle,
All is not lost, cultivate your wife in ways that are acceptable to her and you go out and meet others by yourself such as a support group.
That is how a lot of others do it.
You already have support and acceptance, a lot more than others have.

Find something else to be devastated about. :)

[Joanne f]

Hello Michelle,
I can understand how you feel as you wish your wife to be included in your social life but she seems to be uncomfortable with other CDs which can be quite a normal reaction , you are her husband she knows you and loves you so it is much easier for her to be comfortable around you when you dress than it is to be around another man dressed in female clothes ,it takes some getting use to especially if they dress a bit different than the way you do , I should not say this really but you might get past this hurdle one day by selecting one or two who are very similar to you and see if your wife can get use to them first as opposed to a big group .

[Michelle789]

Michelle,

I'm sorry to hear that about your wife. The reason you're bothered so much by not being able to hang out with people like you is because you are a cross-dresser. Cross-dressing is a part of who you are, and you wish to be able to hang out with other people like you, and since your wife is a part of your life too, you wish your wife could participate. It sucks when you have to give up or repress a part of yourself.

[ReineD]

You say she's been supportive, so I don't understand why she doesn't want to meet another couple. She doesn't appear to be close-minded?

Can you supply more information?

Where are you meeting all these couples, and does your wife refuse to meet them, or has she already met them as well? Has your social life made a drastic change from before, meaning do you mostly want to hang out with other CDers and their wives now? Or do you also enjoy doing social things with your wife and other friends when you are not dressed?

Another question: are the other husbands crossdressers who also have active male lives, or are they TS? It's not unheard of for a wife to fear hanging out with transitioners.

Thanks for answering these questions. It's hard to give an opinion or advice just based on your OP. :)

[TinaZ]

I tend to agree with what Marsha is saying. Maybe a bit of space is all she needs for the time being.

[rian]

Dear Michelle ..I have the same problem ...my dear wife know every thing about me ,,Yet Very scared when I ask her that I need to meet people like me ,,,she is completely not approving with this ...she even ask me not to share with her my CD ...may be because she know the Consequence of people finding out the real me ...

[noeleena]

Hi.

Knowing and surporting is one thing , having to meet and socalise with... your... friends is total another detail she does not wont to do or have to go through,

This is not her life nor needs to take it on , be thankfull she has come this far with you.

try and force her hand you will loose out,

As a woman what do i have in common with dresser's not a lot, clothes dont really do it for me they may for you and thats okay. i can talk about clothes , though you wont be interested in what i do with our groups and the clothes we make design and sew, and the time frame period ,

You see where im coming from different interests different people, and a whole different background,

Youv answered part of your ? your SO is making life lovingly for you both dont let a ... wont .... distroy it,
did your SO say she does not wont you to spend time with people with a like mind to you. i dont see that at all. ... no... this is about her not wonting to.

To have a balanced life you need other friends as well not just one of a few friends with an interest in wearing of a particular set of clothes , = crossdressing if you like,

Im seeing this as your SO see's this as a woman,

...noeleena...

[bonni]

My wife is kinda doing the same thing but I might get a little more leway. To bad though I'm right down the road.

[natcrys]

It's not really clear from the starting post whether she doesn't want to join you in hanging with other CD/GG couples.. or that she doesn't want you to go at all.

If the latter is the case.. that just sucks. You're in a marriage, so have to work this out together. But how would she react if you suggested that she couldn't visit a certain group of people?

If the former is the case.. then that's also not desirable.. but she still gets to decide for herself if she wants to or not. Perhaps a few good conversations would help to get to the underlying reasons.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Michelle

The degree of acceptance you have from your wife compared to what I and many others on this forum have (read 'zero') makes it difficult to empathise. Be appreciative of what you have.

It has taken quite some time and tears for my wife and I to get to a position where she knows that I dress but can live within a DADT arrangement. Frankly it works very well - no emotional roller coaster, no limitations on me other than self imposed, no trying to tread on egg shells.

It did take me quite some time to get over the feeling that my wife doesn't truly love me and doesn't accept me for who I am. I worked out that she did truly love me completely to work within a DADT yet really knowing that I dress - something that is abhorrent to her.

Don't blame your wife for how she feels.

Michelle

[stephNE]

Hi Michelle,
I can relate. My wife has known that I was a crossdresser since our second (or third) date about 25 years ago. She has no problem seeing me en femme, and we even go out shopping together.
A couple years ago she finally agreed that it would be good for me to have friends with common interest, so I joined a local meetup group. We have various meetings and dinners out once or twice a month. I have asked many times if should would like to go to one with me, but she has always backed out.
Good luck, try to look inward to find your happiness. Steph.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Michelle,

I'm very much with Steph and Michelle here. Much as I dress around the house, and even though the two of us do go out together, my wife would probably rather not go out with CD or TG groups. We do go out with other GG's, and we love those GNO's. Bottom line, we have to be respectful of our wive's / GF's wishes ... after all, they are doing a lot for us when they are accepting, or at least tolerant.

[Sarasometimes]

If I read your post correctly you can associate with those in the CD community she just doesn't want to join you, which should be her choice. Unless you two you two do everything together ,I don't see a problem. I could see how she may choose to skip sitting around with other couples where the focus is crossdressing? She doesn't crossdress but she accepts and allows you to do so which great. Meeting her in the middle on this is reasonable.

[sometimes_miss]

Really it's no different than being a classic car owner and wanting to go to the club rally. People with a specific interest tend to get together. The difference is that you can bore your non classic car owning friends by talking about your hobby but unless you're totally open about your CD'ing it's not something that your wife can reply to when a friend says, "So what did you do Saturday night? "
So yep I can understand your wife's stance.
^this. Our wives/girlfriends should not be forced to participate in everything we do, especially our crossdressing activities. Thank your lucky stars that you have a wife who accepts you; you've won the wife lottery that millions of other crossdressers would be thrilled with.

[Michelle V]

Thank you all for your positive comments and support, I have determined that the most common advise is "wait and give time to adjust". Makes sense, I do considered myself very lucky, not only because my wife supports me, mostly because she is a great wife, mother, friend and I could not consider myself happy if she wasn't in my life.

I'll be looking forward to the day I meet other like me, until then this is Michelle's outlet which I am also very thankful for.

[samantha rogers]

Michelle, honey, I feel so bad for you. I can relate totally. My wife accepts (so far) my life, but wants no part herself. So I go out, just as she spends time with her friends and her church group. I try very hard to limit my outings and to then be as supportive of her as I can when I am at home with her.
Perhaps in time your wife will come to appreciate your needs and come to accept your taking a night now and then to meet others without her? With enough positive reinforcement of your relationship coming from you, do you think this might be possible?
Hugs
Sammie

[sherri]

I agree with both you and your wife. It is gratifying to be able to socialize with other gurls. We all seek out those who share our interests, and given social constraints, we need that affirmation and sisterhood. At the same time, IME such friendships can tend to be rather one dimensional if the parties involved aren't interesting in other ways. Yes, it's fun to compare notes and experiences, but sooner or later I'm like, can we move on?

[Katey888]

Michelle - I do feel for you too... :hugs:

Relationships are all about compromise, but sometimes there'll be something that either party may just not be able to find a way to accommodate... I have no idea what my wife would say if she even knew about this part of me.. (I fear 'Foxtrot Oscar' might be involved...) but there are trivial things in my life that she just won't tolerate either.

As others have said - give it time, keep talking, don't pile the pressure on, and take heart from the fact that she does understand and support this aspect of you to a very great extent.. :)

Katey x

[kimdl93]

I think it's a topic that merits more conversation. Your wife has a valid point to the extent that friendship should be based on more than one thing in common. But it's also possible that you both might meet people through CDing who have lots of other common interests and experiences. You might also ask her to explain her reservations so you can more fully understand them.

[JennyLynn]

She laid down her limitations. Respect them. You're lucky to have a wife that understands you.

[Stacy Cruz]

Id be happy with my SO being able to handle talking about the subject. Hope it works out but be patient she seems loving and reasonable which is a big plus.

[suchacutie]

Michelle, I must admit that I'm not clear on a few points:

Is your wife objecting to going out to meet all CD/GG couples, is she objecting to going out only to meet CD/GG couples, or is she objecting to not going out to meet other than CD/GG couples?

Is she saying you can go alone to meet these people on occasion if you also go with her to meet other couples?

Is she maybe saying that she thinks the fraction of the things the two of you do as couples has gone over some boundry in her mind that is just too much on your femme side? Is she missing what she likes to do with her man?

Answers to these would change my thinking on how we all might offer suggestions.

Hope all else is very well!

[Rhonda Jean]

At least she still wants to hang out with you! That's all that matters.

[ReineD]

I'll be looking forward to the day I meet other like me, until then this is Michelle's outlet which I am also very thankful for.

Sorry to keep badgering you with questions, but does this mean that you haven't yet met another couple you wish to hang out with, and the discussion so far with your wife has only been on a "what if" basis?

Is it that your wife does not want to go out with you to TG clubs or TG support groups, and does this mean that she doesn't want you to go either?

[PaulaQ]

@ Michelle - I think I'd talk to her about your CDing to make sure she isn't feeling negative about it. By the same token there's no reason she needs to involve herself in your CD life. I used to be an amateur astronomer - my wife hated it so I did it without her. Of course, CDing isn't a hobby.

[JamieG]

To add to the questions, how would your wife feel about meeting other CD/SO couples when the CDs are in drab? My wife has never been to a support group meeting with me, but she's met some of my CD friends and their SOs. These are people we actually have things in common with beside the CDing, so meeting in drab is still great fun. Although its not the focus, inevitably the conversation will touch on something CD or other, but usually in a light way, which helps to normalize that side of things.

[Michelle V]

At least she still wants to hang out with you! That's all that matters.

I would love to answer all the questions presented to me but the truth is I don't know why she is adamant about meeting with other couples. My guess is she is still dealing with the fact that her husband who presents very masculine secretly want to be a girl. We have not touch on the subject of me going out on my own, I wouldn't know where to start. I'm not saying I won't at least try when she is more comfortable with the whole idea of Michelle but for now I want to make sure she is happy, after all this was not her idea of married life and I'm at fault for not being more honest from the beginning. I did meet a couple on this site, I think they are awesome but I often lose her interest when I start to talk about people from this site. Again I wii follow the advice of people suggesting to give her time. On the mind time I'm very satisfy with dressing up at home, talking to people from this forum and learning a lot from all of you, I am very thankful for the interest of all of you and for the support received, this is why I am also great full for this site.

[Nadine Spirit]

You're cool. Hang in there. :)

[michelle az]

hi michelle it is tough my wife does not accept at all even though her sis is gay. dont understand her even threatens to call boss,kids,ect. selfish

[franchesca]

After posting to this thread I had a long talk about this subject, and well, I was wrong. It isn't that she isn't willing or interested in meeting others "like" me... its has more to do with honesty. I know just how fortunate I am to have somebody who is willing to stand my side. All I can add is patience, perseverance, and communication is key!

[Joanne f]

Yes franchesca you have hit the nail on the head there as patience and communication is the key to making it work long term for the both of you , it can be so easy to feel like you have been let loose to do as you please with a little acceptance which is understandable in a way as one has to hold it all in at times but it is not the right way for long term acceptance .

[Chickhe]

You know she is correct... Suppose you did pick something that interests both of you and integrated your CDing in to that? One reason I never joined a local group was because although I like to crossdress, I can't see myself spending time talking about it without getting really bored.

[Ressie]

I would guess it's rare to have a spouse that actually likes the idea of public CDing with other CDs.

[docrobbysherry]

Think of her as an unaccepting golf wife! Go hang out with your "buddies" while she joins a "women's club".

Talk about irony?

[Maria in heels]

Michelle...you have to try and understand your wife - mine is the same way...she supports you but if thats the line that she has drawn, please don't try to force her over it

[DebbieL]

My wife knew I was a cross-dresser before we met, but didn't really want to go out with me as Debbie that often. Later, when I started considering transition, she was reluctant to accept. We went to therapy together and over time, she has become a huge supporter and ally. She was mostly afraid of what others would think. As we discussed it with members of her family, people at church, and so on, she began to realize that most people had already figured out that I was transgendered, and were actually looking forward to meeting Debbie. Only a very small number of people were less than thrilled, but even they were polite and kind.

I still have to work as hard as I ever did, maybe even a bit harder, but I am so much happier. A nice side effect is that the spiro and estro have eliminated the need for heart, blood pressure, and migraine medications. I'm healthier and happier than I have been in a very long time.

[Marcelle]

Hi Michelle,

Interesting because my wife while she supports me is not interested in meeting other CDers or CD/GG couples. She feels she has no common ground with them (albeit we all kind of share the same thing). I don't begrudge her this because it is her decision not mine. So if I do meet up with other CDers it is on my own time. My wife and I agreed that when we go out we go out as a couple (boy and girl not GFs) and that is a line in the sand we don't cross.

Perhaps if you just effect a tactical retreat from this issue she may come around in the future. However in the meantime I am assuming she does not begrudge you the ability to go out with other CDers.

Hugs

Isha

[Elkeliini]

My wife just told me something that devastated me! She said she does not care to hang out with other CD/GG couples. I tried to make a point saying that it is a social necessity for me to met other people like me. She insist that I should be able to make friends with people that have more in common with me than just CDing.

friends with people that i have MORE in common with than JUST CDing.... is that what she literally said? In that case she might be making a point that she wants the CD/GG couples to be more like you guys and not just a CD/GG couple that happens to live near enough but has otherwise absolutely nothing in common with you two. Talk to find out id say. You might find you don't need to be so overly devastated after all. ;)

example: A fair few of my friends here are foreigners. they tend to cluster with their fellow nationals and at some point i heard one of them say about another one: I really don't like her. so i asked: why on earth are you friends than. her answer: because we are X-ians. So I asked would you also be friends back in X-land. no she answered, not in a million years. so why are you here? long silence...

morale: its not because you have something important in common you immediately should be friends.

[Ressie]

OTOH, I rarely enjoy going out with a group of GGs. The topics of conversation don't interest me; at least with the women I know. So if I could put myself in your wife's shoes, I would probably feel the same… bored!

[ReineD]

I did meet a couple on this site, I think they are awesome but I often lose her interest when I start to talk about people from this site.

I can understand that. It's scary meeting people from the internet. You just don't know what you're getting. You may feel a bond with members here, but your wife doesn't.

My advice would be to just take it one step at a time before worrying about your future social life with your wife as a crossdresser. Start by attending a TG support group (meetings are usually once per month), or maybe meet someone for dinner from here on your own. I wouldn't go overboard in the beginning and do this every weekend, but if your wife sees that you are going out and coming back in one piece, and you have positive things to say about the experience, she might well change her mind and go to the next TG support group with you. It's also much easier to go out in public for the first time at a private event like a support group meeting, or at a drag club where there is more acceptance for CDers, than out in the mainstream. Your wife would be just as nervous about going out in public with you, as you would be the first time. The difference is that psychologically you would gain personal benefit from it (this is what you feel bound to do) whereas your wife wouldn't. Give it time and take baby steps.