I need to stop worrying about what others think

[Michelle789]

Hi all,

I've been off the forum for most of last week and just needed to cool down over some heavy stuff. I apologize for some of my outbursts over male privilege on the forum and to some of you via private message too. I feel like I'm just fighting myself, and not accepting who I really am.

I think my three biggest obstacles are.

1. My family, although they live 3000 miles away from me, and they drive me crazy sometimes, I still love them, and they've still been a part of my life. I worry that they might not accept me, or that they might try to guilt trip me and talk me out of transitioning.

2. My neighbors. I worry way too much about what the neighbors are going to think. Most of the time I won't bump into anyone. When I go out as male, I usually don't bump into anyone, and once in a while I do. The same thing applies to when I go out as female, which has been much less than when I go out as male, since I only started leaving the house as female recently.

Yesterday, when I came back home after running some errands, I saw a group of four people - 3 women and a man. I walked past them carrying groceries, and they were really polite. They moved out of the way and let me go in front of them. No comments from anyone. I guess to them I'm just another girl in my building returning from grocery shopping. But, I live my life in so much fear and worry.

My other concern is my next door neighbor. She's a GG, and we're friends. She only knows me as a male. She's really nice, and is in her late 20's. Yet, I worry about what she's going to think. I worry about what's going to happen if she sees me. Will she start asking questions about this girl who just walked in or out of my apartment? Will she ask me if this girl is my girlfriend, or figure out that it's me? Also, she's going to move on May 10/11. So this means that I won't have to worry about her seeing me afterward, but I still plan on staying in touch with her and coming out to her eventually.

The other thing that's really awkward is the way our apartments are set up is my door is right on top of her door. They form a 90 degree angle and are right next to each other. I know from my experience in walking in/out in male mode, I rarely bump in to her, and I might see her a few times in the courtyard. She knows where I live, obviously because my door is right on top of hers. So I guess I feel awkward if I walk in or out as a girl and see her either coming in or out of her apartment. I will get noticed by her even though the probability of that is rare.

Also the way my building is set up, like many buildings in L.A. all the apartment doors face an indoor courtyard, so we risk being seen by neighbors when going in or out. But I'm getting to the point where I'm not worried if a neighbor that doesn't know me sees me going in or out as a girl. It's just the ones that I'm friends with, and mainly the girl next door. Because her door is literally next to mine, and because we're friends.


3. Worrying about what others on this forum think

Yes, everyone of you who said that I need to grow a thick skin and need to stop worrying about what others think is right. I need to stop worrying about what everyone on this forum says. I just need to learn not to take every comment so personally. I still appreciate your advice, and this forum has helped me tremendously. But I still for whatever reason take things too personally.

Now for some more info.

I notice that I seem to feel numb when I'm in male mode. When I'm in male mode, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I feel lots of depression and anxiety. I overthink everything, including male privilege. I have difficulty concentrating at work.

When I'm in female mode, I feel way better. I feel more alive. I feel like regular tasks like grocery shopping when I'm in male mode, I just want to hurry, do my business, and get the hell out of the store. When I'm in female mode, I feel more relaxed, and take shopping as an experience, and am not in such a hurry to leave the store. I notice I'm far more calm and not overthinking everything like when I'm in male mode. I do feel some anxiety when I'm out in female mode, especially if I have to open my mouth and talk with a male voice. But overall I still feel much when presenting as female.

My therapist wants to speak with me about hormones on Wednesday, as well as my coming out letter to my AA sponsor.

Anyways, everyone, thanks for listening and letting me vent again.

I'm not out to anyone yet, and I'm working with my therapist on coming out. Should I come out to my next door neighbor before she moves on May 10, or just avoid going out or be super careful not to let her see me, or just not worry either way? She also told me that she might come back on May 17/18 to finish cleaning out her apartment.

Also keep in mind I'm not out at work or AA, so I still go to work and AA as male. But I'm trying to do as much as possible as female.

[Eryn]

If your apartment situation is troubling you then perhaps you should find a different place to live.

Yes, a thick skin is important, but it is equally important to know that most people really don't care one way or the other. Everyone is self-centered and as long as your transition doesn't impinge on their lives directly they won't care.

Family can be a problem, but perhaps you should give them a chance to accept you before you think that they won't. Tell them that you are in counseling if you are. The eventual outcome of counseling is that it would be best for you if you transition. If you've followed what appears to them to be a "path of treatment" then your family cannot object to the professional opinion of the therapist.

[VanTG]

About your neighbour who is in her late 20's. I would engage in light conversation with her about Trans issues and see how she reacts. My experience with younger women is that they are more open then you may think. She could turn into a great person to know and help you?

[LeaP]

As far as the forum goes, realize that until someone here gets to know you personally and well, people care about you only in the social sense. If you disappear tomorrow, chances are that after a short period, no one will remember you. (That's true for those of us who have been on a bit longer, too.) USE the forum, and don't worry about normal things associated with discussion, including disagreement, strong statements, and the occasional bit of snippiness. The last thing you should worry about is how you are viewed, as long as you are honest. If you try to position yourself in others' view, you will not get what you need from the forum.

[Angela Campbell]

Time

it takes a lot of time to get used to this. It will come. It will be awkward and sometimes painful, but it does get better. One day you will remember and be amazed at how things improve.

There is a reward. You learn to be you.

[Annaliese]

Michelle, it is normal to worry, what other think, I will be 61 tomorrow, I just started to not give a dam over the last few years. Take it slow, even if the girl next door saw you, she moving. The more you go out the easier it will be, be your self is the only think I can say to you, don't wait til your live is almost over to start to live your life.

[Barbara Ella]

Michelle, you are seeing the key here. You have only recently started going out as female. It takes time to get comfortable with something new. And while you may have been a woman internally for quite some time, and dressed extensively at home, the act of going out is a completely different situation that produces completely different thoughts that you need to get used to. give these thoughts time. You don't need to have all the answers just yet. You just need to do what you feel you need to do, and not do them a moment sooner. At 67, I really don't give a big F what others may think, and I have only recently started going out regularly. Wife however is climbing the walls with worry over encounters. together we drive each other crazy. Your fears are real, because they are yours. You will deal with them in the course of living your daily life. Just live your life as suits you best, you will be so much more comfortable. When the moment arises, do not hesitate to take advantage of it and open up to others. Scary yes, but rewarding in the long run.

Barbara

[PaulaQ]

1. My family, although they live 3000 miles away from me

Your family may or may not support your transition. They often don't - but many are surprisingly supportive, and sometimes it's a mix of the two. Look, worst case, if they fight you and are unsupportive, or even totally cut you off - you aren't dependent on them, unlike so many young transitioners are, and you'll get by. It'll hurt like hell - don't get me wrong. But you have to do what you have to do to save yourself.


2. My neighbors. I worry way too much about what the neighbors are going to think.

Unless and until your neighbors start to physically attack you (this has happened recently to a friend of mine), this is kind of a non-issue. If they are your friends - they'll accept you. If they don't, they weren't then they weren't really friends, and if you don't really know each other, who the hell cares?

The girl next door you can tell or not. I'd personally tell her if you are friends and want to stay that way. What have you got to lose? She's moving anyway.


3. Worrying about what others on this forum think

I an appreciate this. I find it is sometimes hard to differentiate between advice intended for you personally, and advice intended for everyone else but you, when someone else uses your thread as a soap box. It can be confusing sometimes, I think. In the end, if you don't find much of the advice here helpful, or some of it upsets you badly, perhaps you just shouldn't seek help here?

[arbon]

#1 and #2 - I was pretty afraid in the beginning and worried a lot about stuff like that, about how people would react and treat me. My fears were a lot worse than the reality though, and after being out a some I was more afraid of people seeing me dressed as male instead of as a woman.

[LeaP]

... I was more afraid of people seeing me dressed as male instead of as a woman.

It's odd ... While I slog on in drab for a bit longer, I've been thinking lately that I don't want people associating me with anything strongly male. I want the day of transition to leave people thinking "oh - makes sense ..."

[Rachel Smith]

If and when someone says something disparaging just tell them, "when you pay ALL my bills for the rest of my life I will care what you think. Until then I am going to live a life that makes me happy".

[kimdl93]

If you're seriously considering transition, as you seem to be, then it seems like you do need put what others may think in the proper context. The fact is most of them don't think about you. They are at best casual acquaintances. You don't need to care what they might think. The young lady next door really falls into the same category. You can tell her if you wish or just wait for her to bump into you when your dressed. I'd opt for the former.

It is different from your family. You need them in your life, if at all possible, and in truth they need you in their lives. That coming out process will take more effort and preparation.