Certainty.... when??

[Dianne S]

Although I am very sure that transitioning is right for me, every now and then doubts creep in, sometimes to the point of a panic attack. :(

I'm not yet on T-blocker or HRT and some of my friends say that once you start those, doubts go away and you'll know for sure whether transitioning is right or wrong for you.

What's the experience of others on this forum? Do you or did you have doubts? Did they go away? What, if anything, was the final thing that made the doubts vanish?

-- Dianne.

[Frances]

I think it's more important to study the ambivalence than suppress it. It may be the gatekeeper in me, but that's the real stuff lies. What is the nature of your doubts?

[Dianne S]

Frances asked the nature of my doubts... Just a panicky feeling... nothing substantial. I will discuss this with my therapist to try to get the the bottom of it.

[StaceyJane]

It's okay to have some doubt especially at first. Taking the step of HRT can really help.

[Frances]

I meant in concrete terms, like the fear of being alone for the rest of your life, the fear of not passing, etc. The more concrete it is, the easier it is to address (here, but especially with your therapist).

[I Am Paula]

The WTF moments subside. I think everyone has them.

[Jorja]

I would be worried if you did not have doubts about what you are doing. This is a major change in your life and is considered "not normal", whatever "normal" is. I also agree that you will know pretty quickly if HRT is for you or not. Take some time and learn all you can about transition, Talk with other TS girls in person if possible to get a better read on what transition is and what HRT can do for you, locate a good gender therapist who has experience with trans issues. Once you have decided transition is the correct route for you, buy into it 3000% at don't allow anyone or anything to change your mind. Make every step and move head toward you goal.

[Dianne S]

I meant in concrete terms, like the fear of being alone for the rest of your life, the fear of not passing, etc

Ah, I see. I guess I worry about not passing, but not excessively... I have managed to fool some people at close range in a shopping mall even with only two laser sessions and no medication... I'm naturally small and slim so the only giveaway is my face. I am somewhat fearful for my marriage, but my wife is surprisingly calm and accepting and my mother and sisters are very accepting and supporting.

I think it's just a generalized nervousness because this is such a huge decision. I aim to start T-blocker in a few weeks and see how that goes. Once I get on HRT, I guess that's the point of no return...

[arbon]

You can always stop the hrt and go back, its not a point of no return.

The fears are normal I think, you risk a lot and you don't know how it will affect your life.
I had lots of them. My last big bout came when I legally changed my name - i panicked briefly the day after. In a lot ways it seemed I was destroying my life, or at least the life I knew, and that was scary. But it did not last long, I knew I was more comfortable living as a woman, that it was right.

[gonegirl]

I aim to start T-blocker in a few weeks and see how that goes. Once I get on HRT, I guess that's the point of no return...

As Arbon said, it isn't the point of no return, but it will fundamentally affect you emotionally, mentally, and physically. You can stop the drugs within a few months and generally not have permanent physical changes but be aware that beginning HRT will very likely affect your marriage.

Before you start down this path though, have you been talking to a gender therapist about your feelings and who is referring you for the drugs? I very much hope so because it is a major step forward and shouldn't be taken without your due diligence.

[PretzelGirl]

I think some of it is in the way you are wired in general. For instance, I have avoided change my whole life. If I kept the status quo, the risk level was non-existent. So I do have a nagging little voice in my head because I am doing something in a manner I normally haven't done. Change. Now some other people are built to say "Damn the torpedos". Those people might never hear that voice. The important thing to me is that although the voice is there, it hasn't change my course and it is becoming a quieter voice as each day passes.

[KellyJameson]

For me it was finally giving a name to the anxiety that suppressing my actual gender was causing me.

My life as gender was a lie in that I knew what gender I was but refused to accept it so I was constantly living contrary to who I was.

It was a split between what I knew but also refused to accept so a denial of self as a denial and rejection of my gender.

You are always rejecting yourself as that knowledge of who you actually are.

Androgens are the physical equivalant of the psychological experience but I knew what I was as a child long before puberty and testosterone simply made a bad situation much much worse.

As a child I would always look for myself in others trying to find someone "like me" long before I had a name for "what me was"

Any type of fantasy that showed "transformation" would catch my interest because I was trying to transform my body into a female body that would match who I knew I was.

In essence I was trying to bring myself into existence.

I did not want to be a girl because I already was so it was my body that was wrong, not me.

When you have this deep knowing of who you are the doubts about your gender will vanish.

You may have doubts about what you want to do about it because change comes at great risk and cost but it is going into it "unsure who you are" as "what you are" that in my opinion would make transitioning much more doubt filled and frightening.

The testosterone can cause confusion that pulls you away from yourself, trying to bend you into what you are not.

In a way the HRT takes you back to before puberty. Back to what you were before and out of darkness and into the light of the day and clarity.

I personally would not have turned to HRT without first being able to name the psychological state created by my identity being opposite my body.

I cannot say for sure the forces that created this gender identity but it has been with me forever and for me it has been impossible to change but only to conform to.

[Ann Louise]

The wiser and more experienced girls on this board have given me the impression that if you don't have Any initial doubt's, you probably don't really understand how dramatic an impact you are about to make in your life. I kept a daily journal back when I started therapy and "charted" my thinking before I started HRT. I was pretty wacked out by the audacity of what I Wanted to do. Then, like was said earlier today by Jorja, I made my decision and went after it 3000 %. I started my spiro in the drug store parking lot that first day and never looked back.

[sandra-leigh]

After 2 1/4 years on HRT, after telling all my medical providers (except my dentist) to use Sandra, after going completely obvious clothes for a year (once my mother in law died I was clear to wear them even inside the house where for the few years the house rule was no skirts or dresses while my M-I-L was awake), after twice more dealing with my mother in person including telling her that I am probably going to change my name, after my 19-year relationship breaking up: Yes, I still have doubts.

The change that has the most difference to me recently is that a few days ago my province introduced legislation to permit official gender changes without requiring surgery. If it goes through (which it should, since it is a response to an official settlement of a human rights complaint), then I will be able to proceed much faster towards living as i want to / need to, without all that hassle of mismatched documentation.

[mechamoose]

Forgive me as a non-transitioner here.. but you will be ready when *you* are ready.. not when anyone else says you are.

<3

- MM

[Angela Campbell]

Doubt only shows the lack of insanity.

[Marleena]

As a child I would always look for myself in others trying to find someone "like me" long before I had a name for "what me was"

When you have this deep knowing of who you are the doubts about your gender will vanish.

The testosterone can cause confusion that pulls you away from yourself, trying to bend you into what you are not.
In a way the HRT takes you back to before puberty. Back to what you were before and out of darkness and into the light of the day and clarity.


I can relate to Kelly's post.

I did the same as Kelly as a youngster (looked for others like me). All I managed to do was alienate myself further and get myself kicked out of friend's houses for being "weird". Then there was the failed attempt at self medicating in my twenties. All the clues were there but then I "manned up" out of necessity like so many of us do and repressed most of my gender issues.

When I first joined here I was happy thinking I was a CD on the far end of the spectrum. A trip to Vegas as my female self was the final trigger for another bout of severe GD. Living temporary as a woman was awesome, I finally felt alive. So I joined a TS support group upon return where I was told I was probably TS. That was something I did not want to hear and I panicked and booked a meeting with a therapist who helped me wade through it all and find my reality. At first I was happy to have the right answer but that changed to denial after a while on HRT. The hormones helped me feel alive and happy for the first time in my life but also gave me my proof. Who the heck wants to be TS??? I don't have money for a proper transition but in a way I should be thankful that for now I won't be dealing with a social transition that is scary as hell for me based on my physical appearance.

So yes, doubt is common but fear, shame, guilt and denial are key factors for us I think. You must get past those roadblocks to be successful.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I had doubts until I didn't. That makes sense I hope.

Lots of good advice..

face your doubts and be specific. you can lose your wife's support at any phase, you may never look as good as you'd like...S**t will happen..
your doubts highlight the enormous implications of the situation..it shows you understand that to have doubts..

Proceed in short increments...day by day or week by week..
allow the panic and the euphoria to just happen...do not judge those feelings...those are passing moments... always wait them out and get back to practical reality..

If you are a woman, it will come together for you and your progress will fill you with more and more knowledge.. When I started HRT I was totally and completely certain. I had no doubts about my nature..

But I did have fears about everything else...it wasn't about a fear that I was not doing the right thing...it was fear that I couldn't do it or that I would at some point NOT follow through on what I knew was right.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I don't think I've reached a point of certainty yet, even while I wait for the judge to sign off on my name change. But I do know that each step I have taken towards transition doesn't feel wrong. As was mentioned by Sue, I always feared change. Changing jobs, moving etc. And this has to be the biggest change a person can undertake. So the fears about a bad outcome are justified. But if in your heart. you know this is the right thing to do, you will continue on despite your fears.

[LeaP]

I'm happy Kaitlyn distinguished between doubt and fear. They are related, and fear is one type of doubt, but they are ultimately, materially different. I hesitated responding to this thread because I think of certain fears as doubts. I fear (or doubt) my ability to get through transition, to pass, to make a living, to stay married, to have my children accept me, etc. I do not, however, doubt who (or what) I am.

In the end, I like Frances' question. If your doubts stem from any significant uncertainty about your identity, you need to get that straight before proceeding. If you're panicky feelings trace back to something like fear of the unknown or becoming overwhelmed by consequences, then welcome to the club.

[Dianne S]

I'd like to thank everyone who replied. I am certain that inside, I am female and that I want to look like a woman and be seen as a woman to make the outside match the inside.

My fear is fear of the unknown, fear of potential loss of friends and fear of ridicule or isolation. I will work with my therapist on conquering that fear.

[joleentgif]

Not sure if doubts is the right word but I find that I have spent my whole life being so caring and considerate of others that now I am finally considering of starting to do stuff to be "me" it is something completely new. New may not always be better but at some point you just have to go for it to find out just try not to burn too many bridges along the way just in case this isn't the life you expected. I am pretty sure myself that this is what I want to do and don't know what to expect but I guess I will find out in the months to come.

[Michelle789]

Diane, everyone has doubts. It's normal to have doubts. I'd be concerned if you didn't have doubts. Charles Kane had no doubts that he was female, and he ended up regretting transition. Why? Because he is male. He isn't even a CD.

I'm very much in the same situation as you are Diane. I haven't started HRT, and I feel 99.99% certain I am female, but I have that little bit of doubt. One day I feel certain, and the next I have all these doubts. It's very normal to have doubts. I'm going to talk to my therapist about HRT next session, and we will see where everything leads to.

Oh yeah, I have lots of fears too. The same fears that you're talking about, and that everyone talks about. We all have these fears too - they're normal.

[Jorja]

I just wanted to add that Yes you will have fears. Yes, you may lose friends and family. Yes your marriage may be at risk, Yes you may be ridiculed for your decision. You will not know until you try. Even if it all goes down the drain, know that it is not all lost. You will make new friends, You might get remarried, old friends might come around. It is your job to show that you are now a better person because of your decision. Show them that you are the best possible choice for a job. Stand up and be you. Make them all understand they were wrong about you and your decision.

[Rachel Smith]

For the most part I was certain it was the right thing to do from the start. What I feared was the price to be paid. Each step I took in the approximately 2 years it took for me to start transition helped me to make the decision to actually carry through with it.

Now that I have told everyone that REALLY matters the fear is gone. I have lost some and gained others but the ones I lost I don't feel that I lost, they lost me. So you see there was no one final big thing but rather many, many little things. When I finally decided to live MY life and quit caring what others think of me I was free.