Feeling bad about going half way

[mechamoose]

I get to "pass"

I show up at work in 60-70% girl clothes. I do mascara, earrings, I'm growing my hair enough to need hair bands.

So.. Nobody at work says a word. I'm in an LGBT friendly environment, to the point that the C level exec at our site and 30-50% of our leadership team are LGBT folks...

But I feel like I'm cheating. Sure, I get knowing looks from the LGBT leadership people. I get the Indian/Hindu satff seeing me as a 3rd nature person and are happy to get my 'blessing'. (Insert mysticism here)

Why *aren't* I wearing skirts to work? Why do I mostly settle with underdressing?

So many more of you put yourselves out there more. You go En Femme and risk it.

I march in Pride Parades, I go to PLFAG meetings. My hackles go up HARD when one of us is threatened.

So why don't I wear heels to work and show off my painted nails?

>conflicted<

I'm not a coward. I'm a blatant person..

Why is that wall there?

- MM

[Taylor Ray]

Scratch the itch!

[Jennifer S]

Sounds like you're in a great situation and it will happen when you are ready to let it happen. Stepping outside of your comfort zone often has to happen with baby steps.
I envy your position in such an accepting environment :) doesn't sound like there's any need to rush things

~jenn

[mechamoose]

While I am thankful for the encouragement, I still don't *understand*. It should be simple..

>Grrrr<

[Nataliebabe]

I used to be like that. I tried to rush things and it just didn't work for me. As soon as I stopped pressuring myself things started to come together.

[arbon]

From what you have written it seems like you are able to be yourself pretty openly, much more than most of the people on this board.

[heatherdress]

Why worry. If you like to wear what you wear - don't worry. Enjoy the 60%-70% look. Enjoy growing your hair. Maybe it is more fun and more exciting - step by step - to progress. I actually like a "Heather-lite" look at times. Female jeans, some male-styled heels, jewelry, bra, underwear, light eye make up, maybe nail polish.

Seems like you are doing great and should continue dressing the way you feel like dressing.

[Gardener]

I tend to agree with Arbon. We come in all shapes and sizes. We are able to explore this side of ourselves at home and work to very different degrees. Motivations are different, if understood! .....

The reality is that in a safe environment you are expressing yourself. Many of us would be envious I guess of what you are able to experience.

I suspect that we are quite conscious of the word "safety" and it just may be that deep down you are doing as much as you feel safe and comfortable to do at this time?

Why be self critical?

[rian]

I think you have reached the end of the road to be fully fledged LGBT ....Well all what is needed is The last toping of the cake ,,,,,Do not rush it ,,,when the opportunity opens go for it ..We envy you on the Courage ,,,Hope one day we follow the same step

[Beverley Sims]

Do you really need to push the envelope further at work?

I think you have reached a level of satisfaction there.

Do it in your off work hours where you can express yourself more liberally. :)

[mariehart]

I think I understand. It's like me getting dressed to go out and not quite being able to cross the threshold. You managed to get out but you're at another threshold. You're in your comfort zone. It reminds me a bit of the British comedian Eddie Izzard who as we all know is open about his crossdressing. But we never really see him fully dressed as a woman although his stage persona wears make up, ambiguous clothes and nail polish. Perhaps even he feels there's a line not to cross for his career's sake.

Perhaps you could try your own dress up rather than dress down Friday. Tell them you're going out afterwards or something.

But whatever, I envy you your freedom. I'm sitting here in a pretty summer dress, it's a beautiful sunny morning and I'd like nothing better than to step into my car and go into town to collect my new glasses. But I'll have to change back into drab. It's not even as if this isn't an LGBT friendly city. It's just me.

[Wildaboutheels]

Moose, often the front door won't work here at this Forum. So one needs to use the side door or the rear door to be able to "get through". I give you credit for trying though!

[Zylia]

So who are you cheating? Yourself? The LGBT folks at work or in your local community? The transgender community?

I believe we set our own goals in transgenderism and there's no need to 'progress' beyond that.

[Kate Simmons]

I used to do the same thing you are doing for work and it seemed good enough for me. Now that I'm retired everything I do is pretty much my own choice to do. :battingeyelashes::)

[Krisi]

You leave me scratching my head, wondering what sort of company you work for and what sort of work you do. If 50% of the leadership team is LGBT, perhaps you're missing out on advancement by not wearing skirts and such.

Personally If I were still working I would keep my dressing and my work environment as far appart as possible but my work environment was not as you describe. You've already gone halfway, you're standing on the fence. You can jump down on either side or stay on the fence. It's up to you.

[Jenelle]

MM it is hard to say why you are having so much difficulty taking the next step considering how far you have already gone. The only thing I can think of (based on the little I know of you from your posts) that this next step brings you more to being en femme which goes against (my perception based on a little knowledge) you being more gender bender. Again I really don't know you that well so I very well might be completely off.

[Katey888]

MM - perhaps there is no wall and there isn't anything more to understand...

It is possible you've reached a level of expression that you're comfortable with and the real you has no need to demonstrate or seek anything more at the moment...

Could it be that there are other elements at work in this...? so you say: "So many more of you put yourselves out there more. You go En Femme and risk it."
Is that a touch of Forum Expectation creeping in? Going fully en femme might be right for others - doesn't make it right or necessary for you.. And perhaps en femme with beard might be too much for your work environment? (That's a question, not a judgement :)) As an example this thread in media: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?213220-Gorgeous-eyes-shame-about-the-beard (that I know you've seen) has a fascinating clip that demonstrates this for me - I feel quite confused watching this, for reasons to be explained in that thread... maybe that would apply to you too?

You go on: "I'm not a coward. I'm a blatant person.."
But I don't think this is about cowardice - what is right and comfortable for some is not for others - perhaps it's not that you can't do it; but perhaps you just really don't want to do it..?

Hypothetical projection for you: I suspect I will one day get out fully en femme - not trying to pass, and would likely go to a safe venue, support group or some such - but I'll go with wig, makeup, nails, handbag... the works. Because I wouldn't feel right doing anything different.
There is more chance of me doing that, than someone saying to me: "Grow a beard (struggle with that anyways. :facepalm:), wear nail varnish, mascara, have your ears pierced... now go work somewhere... No way, Manuel!!! That I could not do - yet I have the greatest respect for those that can, and are prepared to, present a half-and-half expression... It's just not for me - and it's not cowardice; it's accepting what makes you feel right.

Maybe it will come for you, Moose - but maybe you're overthinking it and it's just not what you want... :D

Katey x

[kimdl93]

You're being yourself. You don't need to do otherwise.

[mechamoose]

Thank you everyone..I did start this thread after seeing the Eurovision thing :)

As far as the company I work for.. I work for an optics manufacturer, and I'm in the MIS department. On leadership, I did say 30-50%... 3-5 out of 10. Three I'm pretty sure about, the other two?.. maybe. We have a number of 'stereotypical' LGBT folks in the plant. No other CD/TS/TG folks that I'm aware of.

I'm certain at some level it is 'Forum Creep'. I have always said that part of me wishes I could flip back and forth between male & female at will. But I am still very much both genders, not transitioning, not either/or.

I have certainly learned a lot different perspectives from being here. }:>

- MM

[Chickhe]

...because you can't afford to mess up the work persona you worked so hard to create. Saying you were abducted by aliens would have a similar impact...

[DonnaT]

Maybe you need the OK from the company to wear a skirt and heels?

If you had that OK, then there would be nothing there to hold you back, except yourself. Question is, once you have the OK would you then dress as desired?

Then there's the idea of commuting to work, etc. Doing things away from the office enfemme. Does that thought give you pause, or would you be comfortable?

[Chari]

IMO, you should try to accept your femme self more, but always be comfortable and confident in whatever you choose to wear! Enjoy.

[Nadine Spirit]

part of me wishes I could flip back and forth between male & female at will.

I so wish I could do this. That would be perfect!

I agree with other that have said, maybe there is no wall. Maybe you have no desire to go all the way. Being someone who exists somewhere in the middle I often feel some sort of push to be one or the other. I think it is easier for people to understand those that are one or the other, as they can't conceptualize what someone in the middle is.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi MM, That sounds like an interesting place that you work at.

[mechamoose]

I I think it is easier for people to understand those that are one or the other, as they can't conceptualize what someone in the middle is.

Which is the same sort of thing with me being Pan/Bisexual.. 'Monosexuals' don't quite see how that works. I get it :)

I will dress fully femme for an event, but to go to the market? I have worn skirts out on errands, but that isn't quite the same thing.

<3

- MM