Trying to get wife to understand

[Lori_cd]

I have talked my wife several times about my crossdressing, how it helps my stress,how I like the feel of the fabric, how I like being someone else for a while, which is her biggest hang up, why do I want to be someone else?
I feel sexy and beautiful, but she can not understand why I want to do this?
It's part of me and my personality. It's still no.
So I was wondering if you ladies might have some ideas. Thanks for your help.

Lori

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lori , Go easy if you keep pushing the issue it could blow up in your face.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Let her read Tinkerbell's thread about identifying as a male . Your wife will understand after reading the many posts & discussing them with you. Peace, mel

[kimdl93]

You cannot 'make' another person understand. You can offer your explanations, as you understand yourself, but she may not find them persuasive.

[Beverley Sims]

Lori,
Only another CD understands.

After being here a while and reading the threads you should be able to explain to your wife in a better way.

Not knowing your age or experience I would say a short time on this forum will be of immense help.

[Confucius]

I can only describe some of my conversations with my wife and hope that this helps you. I also find that in these discussions I need to tell my wife that I appreciate her understanding and I reassure her that I love her and always will. She comes first.

I tell her that I am a man and I am happy being a man. I refuse to adopt a female name, or change my personality when I cross-dress. However cross-dressing does release a host of pleasant sensations. When I cross-dress I feel happy, relaxed, and the stress of the world seems far away. It is sensual in a sexy way, but I don't cross-dress simply because it is a sexual fetish - it is more than that. I have been attracted to cross-dressing for as long as I can remember. My earliest recollections go back to when I was 3-4 years old and that had nothing to do with sex.

I believe that what is going on is all in my brain. My brain is hard wired to respond to cross-dressing by releasing a host of neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters include: (1) Dopamine, which is the driver responsible for gratification, the anticipation of gratification, and is also associated with the behavior of desire, (2) Serotonin, which produces sensations of well-being, reduces stress and makes us feel happy and (3) Oxytocin, which reduces aggression, promotes bonding, social empathy, trust and love. There are probably other neurotransmitters but these are the main ones. It is interesting to note that our brains may be hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female, and these same neurotransmitters are also associated with our brain's response to sex.

I am not NOT trying to be someone else. I will not accept a female name and do not use female pronouns to describe myself in drag. I am just a man who finds that wearing women's clothing makes me happy. It does this because my brain is hard-wired this way. The sensations I experience are not imaginary. I am not delusional. The sensations are very real and are biological, caused by the release of specific neurotransmitters. I have no desire to be a woman full time. I am happy being a man and I appreciate the virtues of manhood.

[AKADonna]

Aristotle said, "You cannot teach a person anything; you can only help them discover it within themself!"

I suggest that you don't push too hard, but only plant little seeds for her to accept small steps and over quite a while let things happen naturally. When my wife discovered my little 'secret' when I left crossdressers.com on my computer screen one night, we had the first of some pretty frank discussions (the continuing dialogue is the most important thing, I think). In that first one, she enumerated her concerns - That I was going to become a girl and leave her and the family, that I didn't find her attractive any more, that I would be seen in public by our friends and family, that pictures of me dressed would forever be circulated on the Internet for the grandkids and everybody to see, etc, etc. It was good that she got all of those things out. I immediately assured her that I still love her, have no intentions of leaving, and will never allow myself to be photographed en femme. In the discussions since then, she has begun to accept my wearing of bra and panties under my male clothes and I promised never to dress up in our local area where I could be seen by friends/family. She said that she never wants to see me with a wig and makeup on and I agreed to that. But, amazingly, since having these discussions and her learning that I have lingerie, etc stashed all over the house, she suggested that "why don't you clear out a drawer in the dresser for Donna's things?" I quickly did that and it turned my dressing into a whole new thing. No longer having to hide my things all over really took away most of the secrecy and the feeling that I was deceiving her and now I have much more respect for her opinion on the matter. This all has taken place over 6-8 months and I could not be happier with the results of the dialogue!

[NicoleScott]

Lori, I'm wondering if there is a disconnect between the real drivers of your crossdressing and what you are telling your wife. Not that you are lying, just not fully realizing and communicating. None of the reasons you list are normally seen as primary drivers of CDing. Stress relief, I believe, is a by-product of CDing and not a cause. There are other ways to relieve stress. How does the feel of fabrics explain makeup, high heels, and a wig if you include such things as these in your CDing? Being someone else for a while just happens to always be a female in a dress? Never a male rock star or football player? Feeling and looking sexy and beautiful is a good explanation, whether driven by a strong feminine internal identity or as a way to be aroused (as a male). What's really driving your CDing?

[Wildaboutheels]

You only need to understand ONE thing. Women's VISION does not affect them the way men's VISION does. Therefor few will EVER be able to understand. Condition her to something/ anything where she gets "rewarded" in some fashion and then try to extrapolate that to CDing.

[Lori_cd]

Thank you ladies for all of your input.
I realize that I can not make my wife accept it any more than an alcoholic can make
her accept what he does or why he does it. I have been dressing dressing off and on since I was a preteen and it has became a part of me through these many years.
It originally started as sexual, but not so much any more now that I am older.
I just enjoy it, it makes me happy and I am not sure how to express that.
I love my wife with all of my heart, and I will just keep working on her slowly.
Thank you all again for your input.
*Hugs*

Lori

[Marcelle]

Hi Lori,

It will take time. All you can do is keep your communication open with your wife continue CDing and answer her questions. As others have said, don't push too hard. Give her time to process and she might meet you halfway or all the way.

Hugs

Isha

[sometimes_miss]

Like others said, you have to figure out why you want to crossdress. Because until then, you're not going to be able to tell your wife anything that will help her accept it. Women's biggest fear is that we are either 1. gay, or 2. transsexual. Until you know why you crossdress, you won't be able to convince her that those don't apply to you. Then you face the problem of her seeing you as less than the masculine man she married, and that's the one that kills marriages, because it kills the romantic flame of love that women have for us. And once the romantic love is gone, our women are often out the door, looking for someone else, someone masculine to replace what they once saw in us.

[NicoleScott]

Women's biggest fear is that we are either 1. gay, or 2. transsexual.

Or, if neither of these, a third possibility, we dress because it's sexually exciting.
Not so good. "What's the matter, am I not sexually exciting enough for you?"

[Deedee Skyblue]

Women's biggest fear is that we are either 1. gay, or 2. transsexual.

My wife's biggest fear is that I will lose my job and we'll end up broke and homeless.

Deedee

[sweetgal]

I think the below is pretty good. In some cases, like my wife, nothing said would make a difference, but I like the wording here.


I can only describe some of my conversations with my wife and hope that this helps you. I also find that in these discussions I need to tell my wife that I appreciate her understanding and I reassure her that I love her and always will. She comes first.

I tell her that I am a man and I am happy being a man. I refuse to adopt a female name, or change my personality when I cross-dress. However cross-dressing does release a host of pleasant sensations. When I cross-dress I feel happy, relaxed, and the stress of the world seems far away. It is sensual in a sexy way, but I don't cross-dress simply because it is a sexual fetish - it is more than that. I have been attracted to cross-dressing for as long as I can remember. My earliest recollections go back to when I was 3-4 years old and that had nothing to do with sex.

I believe that what is going on is all in my brain. My brain is hard wired to respond to cross-dressing by releasing a host of neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters include: (1) Dopamine, which is the driver responsible for gratification, the anticipation of gratification, and is also associated with the behavior of desire, (2) Serotonin, which produces sensations of well-being, reduces stress and makes us feel happy and (3) Oxytocin, which reduces aggression, promotes bonding, social empathy, trust and love. There are probably other neurotransmitters but these are the main ones. It is interesting to note that our brains may be hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female, and these same neurotransmitters are also associated with our brain's response to sex.

I am not NOT trying to be someone else. I will not accept a female name and do not use female pronouns to describe myself in drag. I am just a man who finds that wearing women's clothing makes me happy. It does this because my brain is hard-wired this way. The sensations I experience are not imaginary. I am not delusional. The sensations are very real and are biological, caused by the release of specific neurotransmitters. I have no desire to be a woman full time. I am happy being a man and I appreciate the virtues of manhood.

[samanthasolo]

I think we all might have some moments of clarity in our lives when it comes to ourselves and our dressing. We have comfort and acceptance and we always wind up back at WHY? Why do we do it, why do we feel the need or desire? So is there understanding in our own self there?

One thing I know for myself and in my own life experiences, and in my relationship with myself and my wife is I don't expect nor try to make my wife understand something that I don't understand in myself. Aside from all the thoughts and reasons for my dressing I don't try to unravel this whole understanding issue but more so embrace the fact that my wife accepts me without understanding and I accept myself even though I might not ever understand.

[joleentgif]

It can be hard, my wife is very understanding and wants me to be happy but claims she will never feel that way about another women:( and won't hold me back from any decisions I make. I just can't stand the though of her leaving though. Life's a bitch

[Christy Diane]

Trying to make your wife"understand" could be impossible. For lots of us the best we can accomplish is that our wife realizes this is a part of us and is not harmful to her of our family(if kept in check). If we can Achebe that I belive we are doing great. I know some wives are totally accepting and even participate. I belive these ladies are probably the exeption. Of course a wife's level of acceptance can change over time (both positive and negative)and I belive that has a lot do with her CD's behavior. Show her that you are first and formost her husband, and the she comes before your CDing. Over time my wife as went from DADT to talking to me about fashion, makeup, and even not frisking out when she finds some of my girl cloths in the laundry.

[Teresa]

Hi Lori,
The important thing is try and fully understand it yourself before attempting to explain it to your wife. I've realised and accepted that I have a female thread as most of us do and that it has needs which never go away. You don't want to be someone else you need to be the other part of you, as Reine puts it you have to find a balance between your two extremes. The big one for me was realising Cding doesn't go away it's for life so you have to work things out, no one wants to live with guilt and shame for the rest of their life.

[Ferl]

Hi lori,
don't make the pressure to high for your wife. Tell her step by step, so that she can realise the new situation. Otherwise you might loos her. I think it is very hard to understand for others and they need much time for that. It was the same with my wife, i was also a little to fast in the beginning and she was really confused about the new situation... Later she understood it and it got much better for her/us...

[MeganDay]

I'm reading all of this with great interest. I'm working towards having The Talk (tm) with my wife soon. Thanks to all for the great info, and thank you lori for posting this.

[JenniferR771]

My wife has progressed to only slight approval, DADT situation. Her fears stem from the possibility of feeling embarrassed if anyone found out about me. And I think she has some latent homophobia.
On the other hand, if your wife is a bit bisexual--it might work out nicely.
On the other hand, most women are a tiny bit bi--at least they admire a woman who is well-turned out and highly attractive. Do they use men to advertise products in women's magazines? Of course not; they use women with sexy curves, full red lips and long blond hair.
Sort of like how you feel when you see a really shiny red Corvette--curved fiberglass body with full wide tires and white convertible top.
So choose your outfits wisely, look like a well-dressed woman.

[Hellen]

Don't push hard or you will get resistance. My wife questions were same as discribed there: gay or transsexual. After both NO (several rounds that took about 2 years) she rellaxed. But she was keeping to ask me different type of questions with time and she still doing this: like why do I need this, how I feel, does it help me and etc. I think most important part was she came with these questions bu herself so she understood my answers. I think if I push her she will not accept them. I tried this way initially and went really bad. Now she accepts me completely with two exceptions: we keep it inside the house and our son should't be aware untill he can understand such things. It is a long road :)

[MatildaJ.]

It helps me to think of my husband's CDing as a mini-vacation from the stresses of being a man and feeling he has to provide for our family. Dressing down in male shorts & sneakers doesn't allow him to forget (briefly) about his responsibilities. Only relaxing in girl clothes seems to do the trick.

[JenniferR771]

Whoops.
I must have left the tab open. My wife must have read my above comments. "Curvy red body, wide tires..." She frequently checks my history.
She does not approve, but didn't say much.
She says "You don't look that good."
I say, "I look fine from a distance."

[Lisastarling]

I set my wife down and told her I like to dress, ans she was ready to leave, after a few tough weeks, she come to me and said I love you and want you to be happy, her toughest problem was thinking I'm gay, now that she is certain I'm not, things got better real fast, I also made a point of being the nicest most considerate person on earth while dresses, she absolutely lives me to dress now and she is 100% supportive me and her even went to a wig shop with me dressed, she helped me pick out my beautiful hair, she is wanting us to go out with me dressed all the time now, only went out the one time but. We are going to start going out, hope this helps

[rian]

Lori ..I have the same situation as you do ...My wife has approved my CD but No involvement ....So I respected this ..At least No cause for suffering inside the home ...I never tried to Show her who I am ...My world is mine ...But many times she bought me some lingerie's ...or Gave me some lovely dresses of hers ...some make up ....I think you should never push things ...let Natural instincts kick in ....she will eventually open more ,,,Yet all depends on her education concerning CDs ...Our dear sisters here in the forum will help us all a lot ...They gave me some good advise .....

[Aprilrain]

Do you really understand why you do it?

I gather that most CDs don't have an answer to the question why do you do this. It just is.

"making her understand" sounds really arrogant and unattractive, maybe you could just try explaining that you have a need to CD and you'd like to work something out with her as far as finding the time to do it, she can then decide for herself if it's something she can live with or not. You then need to decide if you can live with her decision or not.

[JessicaJJ]

It's hard to answer this because I've never been in the situation, my wife knew about me from the start, the only thing I give is just go easy, I know a couple of CDs that went full on and they are not together anymore with their wives, your wife may come around to the idea just don't push to much to soon, I like to think marriage is sharing on both sides if your wife refuses to except you then I fear you will be unhappy which will lead to breakdowns in certain area's

[Felicia Dee]

Hey Lori,

I literally JUST went through this with my SO... she knew of my history from very early in our relationship, but I had purged and went YEARS trying to deny this part of me -- until I couldn't anymore. Once I started dressing again, I knew I had to tell my SO. When I finally did (last week), it was the most TERRIFYING and simultaneously beautiful experience of my life. My SO surprised me (as she often does) by essentially already knowing. :doh: She thinks of it as being fluid in our sexuality, which is VERY comforting... I am very lucky that it went as well as it did. Not to say it was effortless and all lollipops and puppies...

Initially, she was mad about it. Not so much for my actual CDing, though... She was mad at all of the "Deception" and "conspiracy" that surrounded it. We have been talking and talking and talking about it since then and it's become a new dynamic in our lives that we can explore together. It's becoming playful. And let me add that not having that weight on my shoulders anymore is SUCH a relief.

Point being, I applaud this first step to openness with your SO that you've taken. It'll be a bumpy ride, but as long as you are honest and keep the lines of communication open -- for better or worse, you'll get through it.

There's a book: "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd... We've been reading this together and it has really helped in keeping the dialog going. I totally recommend it.

Big hug to you and your SO as you "step through the looking glass" and best wishes for your future together. :)

[Tina_gm]

How does one ever understand what they are unable to comprehend? I believe that our efforts to get our wives and GF's to "understand" is most often a futile effort. Even for us, a true understanding is typically a futile endeavor. Perhaps what we should focus on, for those of us who are in the situations of a relationship where our partner struggles with our CDing and our femininity is to accept their struggles as well as our own. To bridge the gaps with a greater acceptance of ourselves and them too.

I believe we often have a tendency to get wrapped up in our physical details.... focusing on how much, how far, how often.... perhaps the bigger picture of simply showing our support, our devotion, our love for them should always be the 1st thing they see of us. I am not suggesting that we give up or compromise so much of ourselves away.... but, that we should always make sure they see that we see them and care for them `1st before our CDing issues. Doing so may never make our CDing easy for them, but by doing so, it can help them to accept it for what it is.

[Alexand]

No woman dreamt of herself as being married to a guy who wears pantyhose and lipstick. Most women wish they were married to James Bond.

What we feel, only a crossdresser can understand as others said in this Thread. I have managed to be able to wear pantyhose every day under my trousers without her complains that "this is weird". I am supposedly wearing it because it helps me keep warm (I use a motorbike on a daily basis to go to work) and relax my legs as I cycle a lot. The truth is of course that pantyhose is the only thing I want to wear 24-7!