Good news, not-so-good news... Stressed

[StacyLynn]

So I'll start with the good news first since it's shorter: My weight loss is going better than initially expected. People at work have been telling me they noticed the loss and this morning when I got dressed up one of my bras that I've only been able to wear on the first set of hooks now fits on the third set... Comfortably! So at least there was one positive in a day of negatives.

Now for the not-so-good stuff. It's a long one, so be forewarned. There's this girl at work that I've had strong feelings for for the better part of three years now. Before you wonder if I ever made a move, the answer is... sort of. I haven't been able to be that direct with women recently, due to a couple reasons. One of them I'll cover a bit later (the bummer news :( ) and the other is my dismal record with asking women out (something like 0-14?). I had asked her to hang out a couple times, or to get a drink but she never went for it. A couple years ago I gave her a birthday card and inside wrote: "Happy Birthday, I hope your day is as terrific as you are". After that things got a little rocky. I suspect it's because she figured out that I was attracted to her and she did not share the same feelings. After about 6 months or so of awkwardness and her being slightly cold to me, things got a bit better. We started talking more and I've always been able to make her laugh. I never got up the nerve to say anything again. Then a few months back she started dating someone, which reinforced the obvious. My friends say I should just move on. I'd love to, but it's pretty hard when I see her 5+ days a week and nearly everyday she says or does something that reminds me of why I fell for her. Anyway, she went on vacation and was gone for about two weeks. I hadn't realized it until she came back but while she was gone I was happier. I didn't see her so she wasn't on my mind. But then she came back yesterday, said hi to me and said something ridiculously hilarious and just like that, I was back in the downward spiral.

So then this morning, I was feeling really bummed out. I decided to dress, that always helps me decompress. When I'm dressed, I'm no longer preoccupied with my worries and I just focus on how it makes me feel. But today was different...

While I was cleaning up around the house, my mind began to turn back to this girl. Then I happened to walk by a mirror. It was then I realized that one of the reasons I don't actively pursue relationships is because of my crossdressing. The history of constant rejection plays a big role too, but really I'm afraid to get close to anyone because of my secret. I'm so worried that I'd meet the girl of my dreams, we'd fall for each other, but then she'd leave me because she wouldn't be able to handle this side of me. As I reflected on it, I realized that I had thought about this in the past, but then usually quickly shrugged it off and forgot about it. I feel so lost sometimes and the balancing act between my two selves is getting harder to handle.

Sorry about the long post, I'm not looking for a pity party, I just needed to vent and I don't really have any other outlet to do so. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend :)

[PaulaQ]

Hi StacyLynn,

I was always really awkward with women - I could ask them out and sometimes get dates, but getting one to fall for me was really hard. I know why now - in my case I was really a girl trying to ask out a straight girl. That just wasn't going to work.

All I can really tell you is that all sorts of unlikely people find love, and you can too. Think about the difficulties gays, lesbians, or even trans* face in finding relationships. Heck, even regular old straight people often have a hard time of it. Just don't give up - you can find love. A girl like that who shows no interest, really all you can do is move on. I know that's hard - but getting stuck on someone who's unattainable is just an exercise in misery for you.

I hope things go better for you.

[Marcelle]

Hi Stacy,

Firstly congrats on the weight loss :cheer:

Regarding this girl at work. I understand your reticence to begin a relationship (romantic) but don't discount a friendship as sometimes these blossom into more. A friend of mine was absolutely crazy over a girl at his work place and was in very similar situation to your (albeit not a CDer). He was constantly sad because he could not get her to like him in that way. She had a boyfriend in the same place and he felt inadequate next to the new guy. We talked about it one night and I recommended that rather than concentrating on the end game (romance) concentrate on a solid foundation of friendship. If it is meant to be it will be. If not at least you have a great friend. They have been married now for two years.

The CDing aspect does pose a bit of a different challenge to this scenario. It comes down a divided argument on this forum "Do you" or "Don't you" tell a potential romantic interest. That is a tough call as you never know how it is going to go. This is why I am recommending a foundation of friendship first to allow you time to see where she is coming from. With time you might get a sense that she is not accepting on any level or she might be. It is still no guarantee it will go well but at least it is some info for you to base a decision on.

I wish you luck.

Hugs

Isha

[Teresa]

Hi Stacy,
Congrats about your weight loss, not matter what else happens don't give up on it, if and when you do get into a relationship you'll feel better in yourself.
This one is a hard one but try and forget about Cding spoiling a relationship, try and be yourself, you sound as if you have a sense of humour and like a bit of fun. A relationship will put your Cding in balance, before I married I had two GFs that accepted CDing so it does happen.
If you do lose a relationship the old saying does apply," It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. " It may hurt at the time but you know then it can happen and will happen again.

[samanthasolo]

Hi Stacy Lynn,
I can really identify and understand exactly what you are feeling and going through. I spent my whole life keeping people in general at a distancebecause of my secret. I always had a real fear of people finding out. I am not one that has the urge to be out per say and I also don't feel the need to tell the world about the girl in me.

We all go through different stages in our lives but regardless of where we are the one real relevant key to ours or anyones happiness is loving yourself, accept who you are, and be the best person you can be. It is when we are looking for someone special that we don't see those who might be looking our way because we are to occupied in looking at someone who is not attainable for us, and of course being preoccupied by our own insecurities and the whole dressing thing.

Spend time being comfortable being you, feeling good about you, and look for your own happiness. These are the things that you need for yourself before that someone special will FIND YOU! Funny as it may seem this is one of the strange ways of life, we don't always find what we are looking for until we are found!

[kimdl93]

Stacy, I have a little advice on relationships. There is a belief that men pursue and women are pursued. This belief encourages the mistaken notion that women are a desired object that we select and if successful, obtain. And of course, if we fail, it is a rejection, and a label of inadequacy.

Well, maybe some women like being pursued, but I submit that women are far more likely to identify and seek out the attentions of potential suitors. We may mistake a simple kindness or courtesy as interest, of course, as in the case of this woman. You responds with with an unwanted romantic overture and she distanced herself.

Here's my point...if you've got a long history of rejection it's likely you're mistaking friendly behavior for something else, and your responses are rejected. In stepped of trying to pursue, stop and let women come to you. Be available for conversation, friendly, courteous ....and indifferent in the sense that you're clearly NOT pursuing. You'll be surprised to find yourself receiving far more attention from women.

[Chari]

Hi Stacy, Wonderful to read about your weight loss! What ever positive action you are doing, please continue! As for your relationship issues, much has already been written about that subject, and probably many more ideas are yet to come. Each of us deals with relationships in different ways, but basically you need to be a "friend" before you can continue on that path to become a "good friend" or more. Consider feeling good, being happy (example: with your weight loss) about YOU! You stated you "felt happier & she wasn't on your mind when she was gone for two weeks". This is a clue that perhaps you are trying too hard to make a positive impression on others. Relax, be yourself, be friendly, and do not rush the situation. "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself". Enjoy.

[Katey888]

Stacy - likewise another congratz from me on the weight loss! :cheer: It's really important when times seem tough that you do hang on to good things that you can do for you, especially when that's about your health and wellbeing.. so keep going - you'll feel better and be healthier long term. :)

As far as what you describe, regardless of what may be in the back of your mind about relationships (and let's be honest, to take advice from anyone here, there's a good chance most of us have been through normal dating with this 'thing' lurking in the back of our minds, so we know what you've been through..) this specific young lady does seem to have her focus heading in another direction... It's hard not to take it as rejection but you have to try... think of it more as incompatibility... and it may have nothing to do with the duality of yourself.

I'd suggest a lot depends on how much your feminine side means to you... I can't honestly say when I was your age I thought I was expressing a feminine perspective - it was all a bit more visceral than that... but we all go through our fair share of failed pursuits and incompatibilities without ever having to broach our innermost secrets. I realise you haven't asked the 'do I or don't I tell' question here - which I think is a ways down the track. At this stage, you just need to find someone who you are compatible with on a 'normal', social basis... You might find - as I did more than once - the desire to CD diminishes once you develop a more stable, romantic relationship. It doesn't mean it goes away - clearly! ;) - but there are other outlets for your energy once in a relationship. And if you do meet the girl of your dreams, there is no rule that you must reveal all... The bigger proportion of folk here do not tell about this passion up front, and a fair number (like me) never have told... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the woman of my dreams today, if I'd been totally open - but life for me is always about compromise and trade-off... this is just one of many... :)

Kim has some good advice about pursuit - but it is a bit of a balancing act... If you don't pursue you'll never proactively 'catch' anyone, but you might be lucky enough to attract. I'd be more inclined towards pursuit on the whole, than being perceived as too 'mysterious' and cool... just my :2c:

Take it easy - feel good about yourself for the weight loss and keep it up!

Katey x

[MeganDay]

Let me join in the congrats on the weight loss. That's one of my demons, too, so I know how good it can feel. Keep it up!

Relationships can be hard under the best of circumstances. Of course, we have a bit of an extra challenge, it's true. I agree with those who have said you should move on. Unrequited love can be a sweet emotion for a while, but eventually it's time to move on with your life. The time she was gone on vacation shows that to me pretty clearly. For what it's worth, I've been in your shoes and they're not too comfy.

As for venting, I'm pretty new here, but I'm pretty sure that's what we're all here for. A long time ago I read something in a book that stuck with me. Pain shared is pain lessened. Joy shared is joy multiplied. It's not about pity, it's about sharing pain and letting a few of us help you take the load, and sharing the joy and letting us reflect it back at you.

[reb.femme]

........Well, maybe some women like being pursued, but I submit that women are far more likely to identify and seek out the attentions of potential suitors. We may mistake a simple kindness or courtesy as interest, of course, as in the case of this woman. You responds with with an unwanted romantic overture and she distanced herself.....

Very much as Kim said. I was in a discussion with some younger girls in a satellite office two weeks back and they were discussing the predatory nature of women in the work place, that more often than not, is missed by the object of desire. I would concentrate on the big positive in your life at the moment, the weight loss programme (Brit spelling). From a personal perspective, when you look and feel great, this not only transfers itself into personal confidence, but that confidence will transfer to those around you.

I know this is easy for me to say as I've been with my other half since I was in my early teens, but try to put this girl out of your mind, concentrate on your positives and a special person will appear.

Rebecca

[StacyLynn]

Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. As well as the advice. Believe me when I say I'm trying to move on. It's tough when I see her everyday, and she's just so damn adorable. There may be some light at the end of that tunnel though. Starting in June, for about four months, I need to go to a different crew to help them out, so we will still be in the same area, but be working different shifts so I won't be seeing her everyday. I'm hoping that what happened while she was on vacation will happen again to a bigger degree. Maybe if I don't see her everyday it'll be easier to move on and get her out of my head. Then I can focus on me and perhaps get myself out there a bit more. And who knows, maybe my CD'ing won't be an issue for further relationships. I think many of you are right, I need to not worry about that so much when I'm trying to establish a solid foundation with someone. I feel a little better, so thank you :)

Have a wonderful day,

xoxo Stacy

[Beverley Sims]

Keep this girl and your dressing separate for now, you may befriend her one day but I think she will only ever be a pleasant acquaintance at best.

[sandra-leigh]

Stacy, at your age I had never had a date that was mutually acknowledged by both people. Not that I had never spent time with a woman, but none of them thought of it as a date and the times I asked for a "date" I was turned down. I was about 32 before I had my on and only "date" (which went badly.) There were women that I worked with that I became interested in, but they had each turned out to be engaged.

In my early 30's, there was a woman I was interested in for years, and she was aware of it, and somehow never had time to do anything with me (she was a PhD student, but still had time to do the odd thing here and there.) One time shortly before she graduated and moved, I was giving her a shoulder massage and had a strong urge to make a small but distinct physical move, but refrained out of respect for her. A couple of months later after she moved, I talked to her on the phone about my feelings for her, which she did not disparage me for having, and when I mentioned what I had wanted to do that day, she said she really melts when that is done... and the tone implied that if I had made that move that her reaction would have been appreciative. But still... not once in the many times she has visited the city has she ever made time to visit me even for coffee, and she seldom replies even when I send her a happy-birthday email, her children must be mid teens by now. There is just no relationship if the other person is not willing to participate.

In my late 20's, I quit a job and went to another continent to escape from my infatuation with an older married woman where I worked. Not something I would lightly recommend in today's job market, but remember that you control your circumstances.

[Genny B]

Lots of great advise! Isha hit the nail square! Lots of good advise here. The real reason for my post is to add my congratulations on the weight loss! It is much harder when you get older so now is the time!
Genny B

[ReineD]

I've had feelings for men when the feelings weren't returned. There was always a period of uncertainty during which I hoped (and tried) to inspire their interest in me using the methods that Kim alludes to. But, when it my efforts failed I invariably was forced to place my attention elsewhere and move on. And then after awhile I discovered I had moved on so successfully that I'd wonder why there had been an attraction to begin with!

So I do wonder if you're correct, if you're hanging on to a wishful romantic situation with this girl out of a fear of falling for someone with whom you would have a chance and who might return your feelings … which would then force you to make a decision about divulging the CDing. So your tenaciousness with this girl could be form of self-sabotage?

I think you're on the right track and if you continue to work towards self-acceptance and self-confidence, it will help you to enthusiastically continue improving yourself and then find another girl you might want to become interested in? :)

[DonnaCD68]

Conrats on the weight loss....keep going strong!! I feel very fortunate that I am blessed with "thin" genes. Hope you continue on your journey.

Lots of great advice from the other gals here.....so be who you are and honest with yourself and own feelings!!

[devida]

Hey stacy, I know how tough it is to have your heart set on someone who just is not into you. I am sure it is no help to say it happens to almost everyone, and, worse than that, keeps on happening. The good news is that you will get over it. One of the best methods is to realize that as an adult you have the ability to accept that you have feelings, that just because you do does not mean that you will get what your feelings tell you you want, but that that is Okay. Try looking very closely at the feelings, the craving, the hope, the loneliness, the frustration and disappointment. Strangely the more you look and the more you accept that this is just what you feel, not who you are, the less and less power these feelings will have over you. It does take work. It is not an overnight cure. But in less time than you think you will wonder why you were so crazed over this person.

Like everyone else says try not to associate your frustrated love with cding. They really are not related. Kim's advice is very good. It is a very strange aspect of being human that craving is an end in itself even though it always seems as though if only you achieved what you crave you would be satisfied. It very, very rarely works out that way. Do what you are doing. Work on being as satisfied with yourself as you can possibly be and you will be amazed at how attractive other people find you. Of course then you will have the problem of attracting people who think that they can be made whole by being with you, but that is okay too because you will also attract people who are happy and confident in themselves, just like you.

[Sharon B.]

I can related, I did get bold and asked a woman out but only after I moved about 150 miles for work I didn't have nothing to lose. Dated this woman for about five months then got married thinking the act of cross-dressing would go away. It didn't it surface about a year later, would dress in her clothes when I was alone and it came to a boiling point about 8-years into the marriage. Yes, I kept it from her about 1-1/2 later we were headed for divorce. Now I am friends with several women but keep that part of me to myself. It does get lonely at times but I know the women I am friends with would never understand this part of me.

[Alice Torn]

I have surely seen girls and women i knew go after certain guys, bigtime! Great advice here from many! I did not date until 27, and went out with over 40 women, mainly in my 30's and 40's, and most all my dates were older divorced. After 1990, i have had few dates/ They say there is always someone for everyone. That may be true. Trouble is, some never meet that person, or they may have met, but neither did the work to know them. And some people stay alone for life, even though, there may be many compatible potential mates, but we never meet them.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stacy, Congrats. on the weight loss, And stop beating yourself up.

[Roxy_68]

Hi there,
Congrats on the weight loss...stay strong

[donnalee]

:yrtw:Congratulations on the success of your weight loss;I'm doing the same thing and am down below 190 for the first time in 15 years. Keep it up!:yrtw:

"A man chases a woman until she catches him." - Robert Heinlein

Let's just say that today there are a lot more facets to this gem. Push comes to shove, you'd be better off taking her aside, out of the hearing of others and declaring your feelings straightforwardly and as simply as you can with the understanding by you both that what is said between you stays that way. It is preferable to the alternative by a good margin and at the very least might give you some closure.

[Michelle789]

StacyLynn,

I was also very shy around women too. I could be their friend, but getting one to like me romantically was extremely difficult. I've learned the reasons why.

1. I'm a girl who was pretending to be a guy. I prefer to be chased, not to do the chasing.
2. Straight girls aren't interested in other girls.
3. I was afraid they would find out my cross-dressing secret or that I would have to stop cross-dressing to be in a relationship with them.
4. I really hated my body that much that I didn't want anyone to get intimately involved with me.
5. I really hate the male gender role. I want to be the girl 100%.
6. This is not really trans-related, but part of it may be because my family is so dysfunctional that I'm afraid of a relationship leading to a dysfunctional marriage or family.

You will find someone some day. It's best that she rejected you, because for all we know she might not be into a cross-dresser. Some day you'll meet the right one who will accept you as a cross-dresser.

P.S. Congrats on the weight loss.

[sandra-leigh]

There was one time in my life when a woman whom I knew but had not been dating suddenly declared that she loved me and wanted me to make love to her. I had never even been kissed before and wanted a relationship and sudden someone was throwing myself at me. I agreed. In retrospect, it was one of my major life mistakes, for a lot of reasons.

If you are going to restrict yourself to being the one chased, you don't have as much control over who does the chasing, and you had better be sure that you want to be caught by the person who goes after you.

-----

Due to my feminist upbringing, I felt guilty every time I considered asking a woman out, especially if I thought she was good looking. Because as a male, being interested in a woman was "objectifying her", basically unless I already knew for sure that at minimum she liked me enough that she would feel good about my asking. Even that was considered iffy in the feminist theory of the time: really I wasn't supposed to even be interested in a woman unless I already knew that she wanted to go out with me. Don't think of elephants -- no, really, don't think of them or you are a Bad Person.

Other than the Big Mistake in my younger years, the number of times that I, patiently waiting so I will not be Bad Person, have been asked out by women is... Zero.

(Oh, wait, there was a young woman in Yogoslavia who became infatuated with me through my technical postings, and sent me an email along those lines; I never even saw a picture of her, and I don't think she ever saw a picture of me; she felt pretty crushed when my reply to her was friendly but not a return declaration of love. But I guess that does count as being asked out.)

So yes, I joined dating sites in the last half year, and yes I have approached women. I have found some interesting people, each 500 or (more often) 1000 miles away, and there is no romance in the air yet, but I am actively searching rather than just waiting. Like the ads go, "You can't win the lottery without buying a ticket."

[Princess29]

Stacy, I can totally relate to what you are going through with your unrequited feelings as I am going through that exact same thing now. The woman who I have fallen in a big way for, knows all about my crossdressing and has known before I actually met her face to face. I met her through a mutual friend.
I have never done that well with women and after a great couple of months of friendship, I laid my cards on the table with her and basically the outcome was I essentially didn't hear from her for 3 months (aside from the odd sporadic message) and so I had tried to move on. We have both made our feelings known on this issue and I sure haven't changed my feelings on the matter but she has started responding to messages again and we went to the movies together yesterday. I don't want to scare her off or to try and force something that is not there. I thought I had it figured out when it was going on late last year/early this year but I got it completely wrong. Its so confusing isn't it?



Mel