A bit confused on what I am and what I want.. The two me's

[FluidDev0621]

So here's my story. I'm 23 years old and think im transgender or Gender fluid. Since I was a little kid I have been putting on female cloths but not regularly until the last couple years. Growing up going to school I was always bullied and made fun, feeling different and like an outcast. I would get made fun of for having friends that where girls and being called one for having long hair. I have been suspected of being gay by family and friends but I don't think they have that quit right. I don't find myself attracted to guys or any masculinity for that matter, I like femininity "girls". I have been with another trans girl before and liked that but I don't consider that gay ether because in my eyes it was a girl whether or not she had boy parts down there. Other then that all others have been with is girls in my life, so I don't think sexuality is a problem with me. I'm still closeted to this day. Since I was old enough to start caring about my looks I have never really cared for my them, I look in the mirror and don't like my appearance. I have had long hair forever and refused to cut it because I didn't like the way I looked with short hair and since I started growing hair on my face and body I have shaved it off because I find it gross. I Put on female clothing and do makeup to the best I can and love the feeling, I like the idea of being pretty always have. I know im going to get this question so yes I have worn girl cloths for sexual thrill but I also do it because it feels right to me. Know the real confusion im getting is a struggle between the guy me and the girl me that I have inside. I still enjoy a lot of things that would be associated with guys but also in secret enjoy a lot of things that would be seen as thing a girl would do and im not sure if its just the many years of trying to live up to the expectations of being a normal guy or if that's part of the real me. So I have done research and come to the conclusion I mite be gender fluid, but im not sure. I want to look feminine and where girls cloths and be considered a girl I think, but still have these male urges as well. I have yet to see a therapist about this but am looking for one right now. Im just scared at the moment cause I feel like my body has already gone to far to reach the level I want. Im 6'3 and have size 14 feet and feel like I would stick out like a sore thumb even if I could pass in all other categories, as well scared of ridicule from friends and family. I just don't know what right anymore and its making my head spin. If there's anyone who has been through anything like im am now I would greatly appreciate any help and advice given. I have attached 2 pic's one each of the different me's

[Megan G]

The best advice I can give you is to find a gender therapist and work thru your feeling with them. We all have stories that can be similar or completely different. As for your height as you mentioned I am 6'4" and with size 12/13 feet. Like you I stressed a lot about this and spent a lot of sleepless nights because of it but in the end the most important thing was that I am true to myself. I could care less what others think. I may stand out because of this but at least I am being true to myself in the process. Hell there are son genetic girls out there that are taller than me, not many but they are out there...

Megan..

[Jorja]

I would suggest you read everything you can about being TG/TS. Learn and understand as much as possible about gender dysphoria. See if you think you might fall under what GD is. If you really believe you might, locate a good gender therapist who has experience with TG/TS issues. Be open and honest about your feelings with them. No matter how weird or strange it might seem. They have heard it all and most of it is quite normal. Allow them to help you find your answers. Those answers can only be found in one place, deep inside of YOU. Also remember, sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things, like apples and oranges.

You will find that there are some things in this life that no matter how hard we try, we cannot change them. So what do we do? We learn to live with them. 6ft. 3in. is nothing. I know GGs (Genetic Girls) that are 6'8" in bare feet and they rock a cute pair of 4" heels. You are not the first and certainly will not be the last girl to have size 14 feet. Learn to love them and be proud of them. Feel free to PM me after you get your 10 post if you have further questions.

[Chari]

First, Welcome here to this very friendly forum! Your intro is similar to many that are confused with where they fit in on the gender scale, but please DO NOT be quick to put a label on yourself! Each individual is a complex being with many feelings, and only you know what your needs are. As previously suggested, please do find a good experienced gender therapist to help you with your issues, and hopefully discover more about your feminine side. IMO somewhere in this world there is a GG with the same stature, weight, and possibly may look a bit like you (or me), and be thinking "if only". You have to accept who you are to be comfortable and confident with how you present. Enjoy.

[Alexis.j]

Welcome to the forum. I myself am rather tall @ 6 foot, and have huge feet, but one has to make the best of what you have. If it is really GD, and it really bugs you, you will get over the small things like height. It becomes more an issue of life/death/severe depression and unhappiness...
Do 10 posts and you can get access to private messages.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Both transsexuals and crossdressers have felt the sexual thrill around dressing.

You are well served to meet as many transgendered and transsexual people as you can.. This is often done by getting a therapist meeting some other willing clients, or perhaps in a local group that you can search for online

As you consider your own nature, sometimes its easy to get caught up in the stereotypes, the make up, the clothes, the whole feminine thing... but be careful of that and think more clearly about why you are thinking this way...
it doesn't matter if you like bubble baths and hate sports... it matters who you really are on the inside and its a challenge to really get to that place sometimes..

if you are transsexual you have probably put up a lot of barriers in your thought process ...

your size is an issue...I am 6'2 but I do have small feet...others here are taller than you.. rather than obsess over it, try to focus on the inside... the details of how you live your life will come in time... you may stick out like a sore thumb, you may just have to get over it, or it may hold you back... in any case, knowing who you are can bring you feelings you've never felt and its worth pursuing this with an open mind and lots of patience

[mechamoose]

You are faced with a lot of challenges, hon.

It gets better. Really.

Being 'genderfluid' is a difficult place to be. It makes a lot of everyday decisions hard. We don't fit where we think we should, and we don't get *why*.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that you are NOT a freak. You are NOT wrong. You are just DIFFERENT.

If you are not accepted by the "gender-normal" folks, that just means that you don't fit in their "gender-normal" views.

That isn't wrong. Different? Yes. Wrong? No.

You are a 'walker between worlds'. You (we) have a gift, you just have to figure out how to make the most of it.

<3

- MM

[kimdl93]

I'd concur with the advice on seeking a therapist. Part of the problem you face is in finding who you are, rather than being forcibly shoehorned into a specific category. The therapist can help you clarify who you are?

You don't need to let size be an issue. You've got lovely features and great skin. There are lots of attractive tall girls out there. I'm over 6'2" and I find it's easiest just to own it and be grateful for a pair of long legs :)

[Rachelakld]

At 23, there are many people who haven't found themselves yet. That finding could take decades, or with help, months.
At your age, I enjoyed combat games (I'm ex military), but like the gay boy visiting with my daughter today - I really related to hanging out with girls.

The lucky thing you have going for you, is the flexibility to be who you want to be, when you want to be (rough tough boy or a pretty girl), while most of the world only knows 1 way of being.
Be fluid, or not, is not set in concrete, tomorrow - maybe, day after - maybe not.
But remember you only have 1 life, so make each day, the way you want it :)

[JuliaC]

I have some of the same thoughts. I am just not sure I want to compeltly give up being a guy. But being a woman and being treated as a woman feels more natural to me...it would make me so happy to be viewed by everyone as a woman. Ive determined I really need to see a therapist at somepoint but am kinda scared too...

[Badtranny]

well first of all you're gonna hafta get away from the looks issue. Your look is the last thing to be concerned about at this stage. With all due respect, you claim to be gender fluid but you really have no way of knowing what you are as long as you remain closeted. How are you able to come to any kind of conclusion without experimenting first? This happens quite a bit here and it's analogous to saying you know what it feels like to be in space because you've read a lot about space travel. There are many ways to simulate the feeling of being in space but only one way to KNOW what it's really like.

This is the TS forum, and transition does not happen in a closet, nothing happens in a closet in fact. If you want to talk seriously to people like me (people who will be honest with you) about transition than you're going to have to start talking about experiences instead of feelings because until you've had a few experiences, how do you even know what you're feeling?

My advice is to get out and do stuff. Meet some like minded friends, explore who you really are before you start throwing around ideas like transition.

[FluidDev0621]

To tell you the truth at first I was kinda shocked to get such a response and almost wanted to get angry, not as much what you said but as how you said it. But I thought about it and you are right im sorry, its not fare for anyone on here for me to be jumping ahead so quickly with the questions I did. But this is the first time I have ever felt like I had the strength to let all of what I have said out to anyone even anonymously. In a way I thank you for your words cause after I seen them I felt I had the courage to come out to someone I do know in real life, that person being my grandmother. She seemed to be the best choice considering I have no relationship with my mother and she is neutral ground considering shes very pro glbt. It went very well and she was very excepting of it all even not knowing fully what "it all" is yet and I feel like I took a very important step in the right direction. As far as a therapist goes I have been looking for a while now and its hard for me cause not having a job right now my selection isnt very big and I as well want someone I can be comfortable around and possibly relate to. But more or less I just wanted to say something back and let you know I will now be trying to approach this issue in the steps I correctly should.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's not about fairness Fluiddev... frankly having these thoughts (ts or not) is kind of unfair but lots of things in life are unfair..

It's good advice to go do stuff...
and lots of folks here can relate to the idea that its really hard... the ones that blow through the excuses are the ones to listen to... and they are going to be the ones that know how tough it is, and what it takes to face these questions head on..

you are just starting out...as Melissa says, ALL you have right now is questions... we cannot and should not answer them..

I do think you can share your thoughts and others can say they do or don't relate to those thoughts..but that's about it..

one thing is for sure, your nature is yours alone..whatever you do, whatever you decide is totally on you... I

you can do this.

but it will take a lot of hard work and patience... you are going to have to get started somewhere and sometimes feeling comfortable about starting is not an option.

I can only look at your picture, and I know you are very tall but you are quite pretty and you clearly know how to make your self up


what is stopping you from just getting dressed, getting made up and going outside and do your daily routine (outside of your job of course!!)

[stefan37]

This entire process of self exploration is a continual one of pushing your comfort zone, only to face another bubble to push against. As Kaitlyn said feeling comfortable is not an option. There are certain traits that absolutely necessary to ensure any measure of success to transition. First and I find the most important, develop a thick skin. Learn to not care what others think. There will be plenty of obstacles you will encounter. Second is patience. This will never go as fast as you may like. Perseverance and resolve to see what you are doing gets you to your comfort level and provides some measure of peace.

As others have said " Don't transition unless absolutely necessary, and if you do, do not let anything stop you".

Getting angry about advice others give that have traversed this path is unproductive. You ask, you will get the brutal truth from those that have walked before you.

[LeaP]

To tell you the truth at first I was kinda shocked to get such a response and almost wanted to get angry, not as much what you said but as how you said it. ...

One of the things often said here is that this is the easiest of places to talk. I agree. What you read here and how you perceive the tone of responses (rightly or not) is nothing compared to confronting people face-to-face and dealing with issues in the real world.

Still, you might ask why the responses aren't more polite, welcoming, warm, whatever. I won't go into that in any detail (and would take issue with that characterization anyway). Rather, I'll simply say that the further down the path I go, the more I like - and need - plain talk.

[Marleena]

My advice is to get out and do stuff. Meet some like minded friends, explore who you really are before you start throwing around ideas like transition.

Yep... test the waters, it would seem you are at least TG. Dressing female and living as a female (TS) are way different. If you are stressed about all of this seek out a gender therapist. You're young and the best time to deal with this is now.

[Annaliese]

First you are beautiful and I don't your size will matter, I see a girl in your picture, be true to your self. You are right to seek a Therapist I wish I had at your age now I am 61 and missing all those years of not being my true self. Good luck and don't wait.

[melissaK]

Fluid . . . our "feelings" about all this get stuffed down inside us, and put in a closet in our head because we know we will catch crap from other people for doing what we want to do. Some of our fears are justified some are not. And BadTranny is right - - - you won't know until you start to go do what you want and find out. Bad Tranny is trying to get you over the fears that are keeping you in a closet.

We have ALL been there, locked in our mental closets. Like the old Eagles song "Already Gone" says:

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key"

Use your keys, unchain yourself. Open your closet. Go out and be and do.

Simple advice, sure, but we all get how scary it is to do it. Took me decades. And when I did it last year, things WERE different than I imagined. And that's the rest of BadTranny's advice about WHY you need to go do it.

[samantha rogers]

Just to add to the height thing...I am also six three with a size 14 foot...and I also had the same feelings about being unable to pass... until, that is, I went out dressed and had no problem whatsoever. Many times we stress over things that in practice are non events. (although I do wish it was easier to find cute shoes in a 14...drat)
Hugs

[DanielleInMI]

Hi Fluid,

Honestly, you look like a lot of other rocker girls. You also look a lot happier in photo on the left.

As far as passing is concerned, something that my councilor shared with me earlier this week, is that you are who you are and sometimes you just have to own and not care what others think. If you can talk to a therapist, do so, it can help put a lot of things into perspective.

[Stephanie Julianna]

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Looking at the "two" you the pic as girl shows a more relaxed and content look. Your male pic is tight and not relaxed in this guise. This is not uncommon and I see it alot here. Just an observation.