I'm a coward

[Princess Grandpa]

My wife and I were invited to ride on a float at Long Beach Pride. I know I should, but I can't! I should stand proud and do my part to ensure we have a future. My wife very much wants to participate. While I do feel it's my life and I don't have a responsibility to be the postor child for trans rights, what kind of person hides and enjoys the rewards that others have worked for.

I am much farther out of the closet than I ever wanted to be. Both of my grown children know, we go out to club events regularly, and all I wanted was to hide in my room and wear a skirt.

I don't know if the families of my residents would pull them from our care if they saw me on the 6:00 news or not. The possibilty leaves me terrified. State licensing and the other beaurocracy we deal with are mandated by law to not discriminate but let's be honest with ourselves... There are lots of ways around that.

In the end, though I feel lower than low, I will give in to my fears. I will not participate in the parade. I will cower in my closet and leech off of those braver than I

I'm sorry!
Rita

[mechamoose]

I just finished up a conversation with my youngest about being afraid of wasps. He was all freaked out by what *could* happen, but he really didn't understand that it wasn't *likely* to happen. That wasp would have to risk its life to attack something 1000 times bigger than it was in order to protect its nest. Taking the trash outside while there was a nest nearby wasn't going to threaten the nest.

Go out there and be you. You are not likely to lose anything over it. *Could* you? yes.. but how *likely* is it?

When we step out and be public, we make it easier for those who follow after us.

<3

- MM

[Lynn Marie]

I personally think it's a sign of wisdom to pick your venues and your level of exposure in your community. Plenty of TG girls insist on flaunting their sexuality to everyone in sight and there are plenty of horror stories out there confirming their efforts. I've been in a Pride parade. Even made the front page of the Seattle Times with a somewhat distant picture helping to assemble the float. It's really not that big of a deal. I have pretty much nothing to lose so for me it's easy.

[kimdl93]

You have no obligation to participate. It's great that your wife is willing, but in the end you have to be comfortable with the decision. You're not, so why push it.

Ps. You've com out to the most important people in your life. It seems to me you've taken some pretty courageous steps in doing so.

[Deedee Skyblue]

I don't think it is the level of risk of exposure that is an issue - the issue is, if that incredibly slim risk materializes, what will you lose? And are you prepared to lose whatever it is? There are many low risk things I would never try because the consequence would be disastrous, and I am not prepared to face that consequence, regardless of the risk.

Rita, there is nothing to be sorry for. You have to live the rest of your life - nobody else can live it for you. If you are not prepared to face losing your residents and your license, then you should not put those at risk.

Deedee

[mechamoose]

While I don't wish to push anyone past their comfort zone, I have to remind folks that "Bravery is being afraid and going ahead *anyway*"

- MM

[hope springs]

You are beating yourself up for no reason. Our comfort levels are very personal. Your reasons are valid. I can only speak for myself but i dont need anyone to stand up for me. I dont need anyone to represent me. You will know in your heart where to plant your flag and fight to the death. This issue was not your flag. Instead of belittling yourself, stand up... dust your skirt off and know that one day that fight may come. And when it does the hounds of hell couldnt pull you from the fray.


Chin up

[Beverley Sims]

Rita,
Only do what you feel is right.
You have a carers responsibility as well and I applaud you for taking that onerous task on.

[~Joanne~]

I agree with most here, if your not comfortable doing it, then don't. Your right that your not the poster child for the trans community, after all your a CD, your transitioning right?. It doesn't make you a coward by any means.

Lynn said it best with this one line: I personally think it's a sign of wisdom to pick your venues and your level of exposure in your community.

[Joanne f]

Hello Rita,
what you do is all about enjoying it and if you have concerns about going past your comfort zone then you are right to listen to those concerns , you are thinking of other people in your care so that is not being a coward as it sounds like their needs are greater .

[GaleWarning]

I see no reason to feel guilty, or to apologize.

[bridget thronton]

Do what you're comfortable with - you know the risks much better than I do

[Badtranny]

No shame in being a coward as long as you're willing to admit it and do something about it. I believe it is in our nature to be cowardly and that's why we respect those that overcome such a strong natural inclination. Any girl here that says they never felt like a coward is also a liar and that is maybe the worst combination there is.

We are born with a long list of undesirable character traits and our job in life is to become better, to challenge each frailty and use each victory as a step to challenge the next one. Cowardice is among the toughest to beat but there can be no battle if you don't recognize it when you see it, so believe it or not, the shame you feel now is a significant first step to defeating it forever. Your honesty is admirable and that takes courage, so you already have the two most potent weapons there are against cowardice. The key is to find a way to sneak up on it. Don't go to the parade cross dressed, go in your regular dude clothes and pretend you're a regular dude if you have to. All you need to do is find some way to push your comfort zone out a little bit. Just a tiny little victory will fuel the next one. Wars are nothing but a series of little battles. Some are lost and some are won, but the war is won by those who just don't give up.

[Princess Grandpa]

Thank you for the kind words. I do believe the severity of the potential consequences outweigh the probability of a worse case scenario. I don't think it's really that much of a long shot. One has to assume the local news channels at least will have cameras there. /shrug

Mellissa we definitely plan to attend. I will likely be dressed as I usually do. This odd hybrid thing I've become. Unfortunately that's not really that big of a stretch for me. I guess the reason I feel badly is last year before I came to realize I had this side of me I would have proudly stood on that float. /giggle of course I wouldn't have been invited I guess. I made a better supporter when I thought I was just a straight ally. Now that I have a secret...

Hug
Rita

[Marcelle]

Hi Rita,

Cowardice . . . is a myth, something someone made up long ago to accuse people of to make them feel bad so someone else can feel smug. Not everyone needs to be flag bearer for what they feel is important. We all fight our fights in different ways and anyone who calls another a person a coward well . . . let's just say the same case can be made against them in a variety of ways. I have engaged in combat for the sake of democracy and I would never go around telling "Joe" or "Jane" average "you are a coward for not doing your part."

When it comes to being TG we don't all need to be "shock troops". Just being you is enough regardless of whether you go out or stay in. If you are part of the silent majority but still support those around you in your own way then guess what . . . you are doing your part. It takes a lot of people to win a battle and while those who are front and center certainly take on main role, the rest lie in wait supporting.

It is not cowardice to be sensible when it comes to your life. We have a saying in my line of work "Pick the hill you want to die on because it will be your last". We all make that decision based on personal situation. Nobody is a coward here IMHO, it takes strength of conviction to admit you are TG even to yourself and that is strength not cowardice. :)

Hugs

Isha

[Claire Cook]

Rita,

It's not cowardice -- it's sensibility. We all have our comfort zones (although like Melissa says mine seems to be getting a bit wider all the time...). When we're not comfortable, we lose some confidence and I think the two go hand in hand.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rita, That's a decision that only you can make , Choose wisely .

[Karren J]

I am much farther out of the closet than I ever wanted to be. Both of my grown children know, we go out to club events regularly, and all I wanted was to hide in my room and wear a skirt.

Princess this isn't a contest to see who can go the farthest. The fact that you've gone past your comfort zone is pure courage. If you want to just dress in private and be on your own then that's what you should do, everyone on this forum will still think of you in the same way, as one of us. I personally respect the fact that you pushed you boundaries already, and having found where too far is you want to stay where you feel safe and comfortable. That is called wisdom. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your private life private, that one thing is the great battle of the online world.

I'm thankful you shared and hope you keep enjoying this part of your life the way you want to.

Kelly

[CynthiaD]

When I feel chicken, I just wear pants. Oddly enough, a lot of my pants seem to have only one leg. The leg is really wide though. Wide enough that I can slip it over both my legs. It might look like a skirt, but it isn't. It's a pair of pants. I swear!

And why does my chest stick out like that? Well, it doesn't really. That's just an optical illusion. I swear!

[PaulaQ]

Rita, just going to watch the parade en femme (or however you present) would be plenty brave enough. I'd really look at what you are afraid of. It will probably be fun on the float, and you'll lose a big chunk of fear in the process. But we all have our limits, and if it's beyond yours, then that's just that.

Being seen, even if you aren't on a float counts for a lot.

I don't think you are a coward. You have faced something in yourself that many don't, and are further out than most members of this forum. You've come a long way Rita. It isn't all on you.

[NatalieBliss]

I will add to the chorus of people telling you that you are not a coward. Maybe you will get to a mental spot where that is something you are comfortable doing, maybe not. But just being a thoughtful person who thinks and worries about how they do or do not represent the community is a huge plus for us all in my opinion. I am working on being more out there myself. I think waiting until you are comfortable (if ever) to put yourself out there will ensure you are the best possible ambassador and in my humble opinion that is much better than rushing out there and being uncomfortable.

[Barbara Ella]

Again, the broken record here. Nothing cowardly about not doing something you are uncomfortable in doing. Going to something and being scared is a sure way to make mistakes by not being yourself. your wife and you were invited to ride on the float. You and your wife should ride together. Did the invitation say female attire mandatory? Do you perceive any repercussions from your wife being spotted on the float? No? Than there is no reason you should not be right beside her as her husband, holding her hand, and being content that you are supporting the cause in the best most comfortable way you can.

When your time is right you will just know it, and it will feel right. No reason to do anything until you have that feeling.

Barbara

[JennyLynn]

You have every right to be true to your own feelings. Your persona is yours alone. You don't need to flaunt it or succomb to anybody elses whims. Cherish yourself for who you are. You are NOT a coward.

[Vickie_CDTV]

You don't owe anyone an apology for protecting your family and your livelihood necessary to support them.

[Ann Thomas]

Rita, we're about as opposite as can be. I'm out and about all the time around here (all over OC and over to Long Beach), have been on hormones for about 6 months, everyone calls me Ann, etc. etc. But my wife is wanting me to hide and won't be seen with me in public dressed like that. (But it's getting harder and harder to hide who I am.)

I can understand your misgivings, having heard pretty much the same from my wife. You need to be in your comfort zone, so stick with your decision. I so wish my wife was as supportive as yours! I'd be up there on the float in a heartbeat!

I do hope I can make it for at least part of the weekend. I've never been before, and it sounds like so much fun!

Ann

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Rita, Intuition is a funny thing, if you feel this is not the venue for you, your probably right.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Launa]

Everybody has fear, Cus D'mato used to say that any man he trained has admitted to having fear and if he didn't have any fear then this person must be a psychopath.

Remember you can always get involved behind the scenes in the parade..... I'm going in 2 parades this year for the first time and I have fears too....

[Princess Grandpa]

Thai you everyone for your kind words once again when I'm down this community helps me get back up.

Melissa: We had every intention of attending the parade just not riding the float. Heh probably would have gotten a new matching outfit (mostly androgynous). Unfortunately that wouldn't really push my comfort level too much.

As it turns out we are going to be out of town on business that day. We take our residents on vacation that week. On the one hand I wish I had checked my calendar sooner. I could have saved myself much mental anguish. On the other hand I have been forced to confront these feelings and they certainly warrant examining.

Paula your right about examining the underlying fear. I have been sitting here feeling there was no need to stretch my comfort level any farther than I already have. I find myself wondering if my true fear is concern about our resident's families seeing me or really just me being afraid of going out. Maybe I need to stretch those limits farther still. When this comes up next year I would like to know my concerns are truly for my family and not just me not liking to be seen.

Ann she is an amazing woman. had it not been for her I would be a beard in a dress at home only. She would really like to go out to dinner before the club with our friends. Maybe that's how I double check my comfort levels.

Again I would like to thank you all for your kind words. They mean the world!

Hug
Rita

[PaulaQ]

Why do you feel the need to push your comfort level? What's that about? This isn't a contest, despite the photo section! :p

I push on early transitioners, quite gently, to help them reach a goal related to their transition. Hey, if you plan to go 24/7 you gotta get comfortable presenting as female in public. But for a CD - you can just kind of stay in your comfort zone, as long as nothing is pushing you forward.

So in addition to thinking about your fear, think about what you hope to gain by participating. I can think of lots of reasons why I'd do it - but I'm not you.

If you are kind of wedged in place - makes sense to understand what's blocking you, and what's pushing you.