It's just a medical procedure

[Kaitlyn Michele]

More and more it's sinking in that my whole transition was just a medical procedure..

In most ways that's a really good thing..

All the self pity, all the self blame...it was unnecessary.. I am allowed to get treatment for my own "condition"..The horrible feelings I had were a medical condition.. I'm sorry it happened to me, but i'm not sorry about what I did about it.
I healed myself. There is no way to characterize that as a bad thing.

All the delusions of feminine grandeur that never materialized are replaced by the boring day to day reality of feeling "normal".. it really is JUST a medical procedure...no guarantees...no pot of gold...its just like getting over a cold or being blessed to beat that cancer... then the rest of your life starts, and that's a good thing.

..this thought always strikes me when I read posts where people describe their clothes or makeup (its natural trust me I did the same thing many times here!!!!)
it really is not going to be about that if you go forward to live a female life

All the things I risked and all the things I gave up lose their emotional power over me when I consider that this was all just like taking my medicine...and in my case, the "cure" worked exactly as intended..again i'm very sad sometimes that I had this problem and I think about what it caused others, but I was only living by my gendered nature as I understood at the time....just like everybody else

All the doubt and confusion was just a symptom...its a shame that I had feel so confused and uncertain about what to do..but frankly my dad got prostate cancer and was offered a dizzying array of treatment options...take the third rail concept of gender out of the equation and how is it different?? life or death? what are you gonna do? radiation? hormones? chemo? just wait and see???

Just my own random ramblings

[Marleena]

Thanks for sharing Kaitlyn. Your posts are always helpful to us.:)

[emma5410]

Interesting perspective. Maybe at some point in the process that is what it reduces to but I feel far from that point. The medical aspect seems the easy part.
The telling people, the walking into work the first day as a woman were scary but they were practical problems. A screwing up of courage and a step off a cliff. Easy in retrospect.
At the moment my problems are more psychological. I struggle with issues about identity. I wonder if I will ever complete this and feel trapped because going forward is all I can do. I cannot live as a man and I do not want to kill myself.
When it gets hard to get through a day filled with doubts but knowing there is no plan B then pills and surgery are the least of my concerns.
I do agree with how ordinary life as a woman is.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"I cannot live as a man and I do not want to kill myself"...


This is EXACTLY the thought I had... and what's more as I proceeded with transition sometimes I wondered if I was trapping myself into living as a woman..."if I go this far I can't go back!!"...almost like I was daring myself to cross a red line and almost as if feeling trapped was the only thing I knew..

[Kathryn Martin]

Healing and wholeness. Welcome home. Where the comfort of the normal is and the glamour of the imagination turns out to be nothing and the reality of normal is the substance of life.

And Emma, the telling of people, the walking into a meeting etc., they are like the excision of the malignant growth that our genetic defect and our upbringing have wrought on us. Think of it as the scalpel you are wielding to remove the malignancy. Think of the hormones and the surgeries as the medicine that will heal you and understand that your true, Kaitelyn's, my life begins when the condition is overcome. Kaitelyn and I are past that point and one day so will you.

There is no inherent value in transition except to be a means to an end, there is no inherent value in being transsexual only in overcoming the condition.

[Aprilrain]

Your last line says it all Kathryn.

Thanks for posting this Kaitlyn. The further down this path I get the more I realize the simple truth of what you speak. I actually like my dull life now, I'm no longer running away from myself.

[ReineD]

I hope you won't mind a question: why must life be boring (Kaitlyn), or dull (April), post transition? What delusions of feminine grandeur (Kaitlyn) were you comparing it to and why isn't it just a normal, happy life, finally free of your unpleasant medical condition?

[Badtranny]

Oh no you did'ent!

How dare you compare my medical procedures to a simple medical procedure! That's the kind of talk that gets you banned from the tranny clubs. Oh, I mean the Transsexual American clubs, oops I mean the clubs for women who may or may not have a transsexual history.

[KellyJameson]

With each change I felt the tension of change. As an example is the absence of body hair but now it feels very natural to have smooth skin that is clean looking.

Every step required a type of orientation to the newness and difference but afterwards there was a release of internal pressure experienced as a naturalness of being.

You become more comfortable in your skin as the relationship you have with your body and mind.

It leaves you feeling like this is the way you have always been and it is difficult to imagine being anyway else.

This naturalness and comfort carries over to how you interact with others and people have become more relaxed around me as I have become more relaxed in my own body.

There is an interconnectedness between self and others that has a symmetry that creates a natural effortless flow from not feeling at odds with everyone and everything.

A sense of perfection while being imperfect that comes out of the harmony that was created medically both internally and externally.

Very peaceful.

[Kathryn Martin]

....why isn't it just a normal, happy life, finally free of your unpleasant medical condition?

Reine, the words dull and boring are really related to the hype of doubt and indecision, to the intensity of transition. The dull and boring are the calm waters of a life fully lived, in peace, quiet and industry..... All I have ever aspired to is a peaceful and industrious life.

[Jorja]

Clap, clap, clap, I am so glad you have finally reached this point. The calm, boring, mundane life of everyday living is what we each were and many are still striving for. Your days of upheaval and delusions of grandeur are over. Now move on and get on with life because life is too short and you have wasted way to much time as it is. You now can pass go and collect your $200.

[Aprilrain]

Perhaps dull wasn't the right word. I lived a pretty "colorful" life until I got sober when I was 28. Then I spent 6 years in a shity marriage constantly fighting GD and now another 4 years transitioning. Early transition just plain sucked!
I feel much more centered now.

[Inna]

good to have you back behind the wheel! and yes, welcome to the club of women with the past......

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Reine I never said boring..not even a little bit.

And what I said about delusions is just that people get caught up in femininity and transformation. Nothing wrong with feeling feminine. But it's life sustaining to feel like yourself. I would rather feel like myself than feel feminine yet at first I was very focused on the feminine.... And in the end the real feminine feelings came after I felt like myself..

Lol. That sounds like a mind twister but it's accurate for me.

[ReineD]

OK, thanks April and Kaitlyn (and Kathryn) ... for a moment I thought I detected negative feelings.

And Kaitlyn, you did say boring: ;)


... are replaced by the boring day to day reality of feeling "normal"..

[Angela Campbell]

I can understand. I rarely think about it much anymore. Except for electrolysis, and a shot, every two weeks, being trans just isn't much of my life anymore.

[Rachel Smith]

Great thought Kaitlyn, thank you for posting it. I feel much the same. I just live now and that is a wonderful feeling.

[GabbiSophia]

This one thought gets me through most of my wtf moments. Sometimes it is easier to except when it is just a medical condition. Thanx for the post kaitlyn .

[morgan51]

Life certainly has taken on a new dimension. That of just feeling like myself. I just happen to be female. no charging full speed ahead into the pink fog that thankfully is far behind. Boring no peaceful yes. I Recently broke my neck in a work accident. That seems to have removed any dull or boring aspects of my life I'm just trying to survive now. Truly puts a medical condition in perspective.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

OK, thanks April and Kaitlyn (and Kathryn) ... for a moment I thought I detected negative feelings.

And Kaitlyn, you did say boring: ;)

LOL
I even reread my post!!!!!
Getting old!!!

I guess by boring day to day reality i'm comparing to my thoughts prior to transition...those thoughts were of the nature of this..
"if I do this transition then I promise to make every single day count and breath in every drop of air and appreciate it forever and ever"...now excuse me while I wake up my daughter to get her going at 1030 on a sunday

[ReineD]

I get it. :) I like the way that Morgan put it: peaceful.

[becky77]

Never thought of this concept till reading it here. Kathryn was the first to mention it and I wasn't sure how to take it. At first I thought it a slight on those who don't wish for the 'cure' those midway or wherever on the path who don't need to see it through to full transition.
As if they are ill etc etc. But I think its not applicable to everyone, if your happy being transgendered then you don't have the same condition that I have. I accepted I am TS, like a relief, a confirmation its a real medical issue. Only when that diagnosis was made can you get help. If I'm honest Transexual is a foul tasting word to me, it doesn't sit right. I'm not happy being Transexual, glad to be diagnosed TS of course but only because it now gives me the aid I need to move on. I'm not proud of that, I feel its two fingers upto the rest of the community, but I can't help how I feel. I'm female, its how I identify, so much so I find it hard to associate with other transgenderd folk always have done. I try fit because that's what I am, but then I read posts like this!
Is it what I am, or just the process I need to go through to become who I am?
The further I go as my true self, the more these kind of threads make sense.
I'm only three months into hormones, but with the T suppressed, I just feel so much better. In essence its medication and its really helping.
My opinion is changing as I am changing. I wouldn't agree with myself of last year, I'm a different person from even a few months ago.
I'm still learning every day.

[Carlene]

A wonderful thread...........Kelly Jameson..."to not be at odds with everyone and everything" .......... "very peaceful" ............achievement of these would be 2 of my most cherished possessions.

I'm not as sure of myself as many here and because of this I don't know exactly where this will end, but I do know that I am grateful for seeing, through many of this forum's posts, that there may be light at the end of this tunnel.

Carlene...

[Jorja]

Carlene,
There is light shinning brightly at the end of the tunnel. It is just that you have to squint and really look hard sometimes to find it.

[Donna Joanne]

It's amazing how perspectives change. There was a time I wanted to be the most stunning belle at the ball. Now all I want to be is another middle aged lady in line at WalMart.

[Nicole Erin]

Well, pretty much everything just becomes normal life after a while. New car, new house, new job, new body...
The main advantage is being closer to living the life you want. But that does not mean it is all rainbows and unicorns, it just "is".

Kaitlyn I must say - your posts lately have really been more polite. It is good you found your happiness.

I think after we go full time, even though there are still some struggles but we tend to forget just how rough it was at first. And that is fine.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Gee, thanks?

Fwiw. I've been pretty happy the whole time.

And I never beat my wife either in case you were asking.

[gonegirl]

I've always found Kaitlyn to be very polite. She's also someone who has had her life happily together longer than almost anyone on this entire site. :-)

[Starling]

...There was a time I wanted to be the most stunning belle at the ball. Now all I want to be is another middle aged lady in line at WalMart.
Amen to that, except make it "another old lady."

:) Lallie