Coming out to my next door neighbor

[Michelle789]

Today, I had planned on coming out to my next door neighbor, whom I mentioned in another post. She texted me at 9:30 that she had some time to talk. When I went out to meet her she was with her boyfriend. I really don't want to tell her boyfriend, I needed to speak to her privately.

I told her that I thought it would be better to talk at another time. Now I feel like I'm in kinda an awkward situation where even if I tell her that it's confidential, that her boyfriend is going to want to find out. God help us if he's a transphobe. He's a young, mid to late 20s looking, male. She's moving in a week, and might come back in two weeks to pick up some stuff.

Seriously, I swear I will never speak to my neighbors again. I didn't speak to my neighbors for about 6 years, my intuition told me that after some bad experiences with being friends with neighbors to never get involved with neighbors. I should have followed my intuition and not became friendly with my neighbors.

[arbon]

Don't expect people to keep a secret like that it will lead to disappointment and resentment. That kind of info is just to juicy for most people to keep to themselves. When you start telling people you need to be sure first that you can live with whatever happens as a result.

[GenieGirl]

I never told my neighbors. I just let them figure it out when they see some chick getting in my sports car and driving off for an evening out with friends :D . IMO unless you expect to go out and have the possibility of them seeing you I personally wouldn't tell. If you plan to only dress at home I'd keep my secret...unless I had roommates.


PS. I'm a mid 20s male...most of us don't care about gender and sexuality. If it makes you happy and it isn't hurting anybody then more power to them. Its the over 40 crowd who seem to have the problem with it.
Good luck with it all :)

[Michelle789]

I'm planning on going out for sure. I'm not locking myself in the house. The situation is awkward since we've been friends (or maybe casual acquaintances since some of you insist on that) for the past two years, and her door is literally right next to mine. So we might be literally standing next to each other. There's not even a 20-30 foot gap between our doors like what usually separates apartments. We're talking less than 6 inches away. I know it's a low probability that I'd see her, but it could happen.

I swear that I will not even say hi to whoever moves into that apartment next.

[PaulaQ]

Don't expect people to keep a secret like that it will lead to disappointment and resentment.

I agree - people talk - boy do they talk. For one thing, you are probably the first transgender person they've met. At least in my part of the country. (Maybe it's different in San Francisco, where one person in 40 is transgender. ;) :p) Your story will be the most interesting thing they've talked about in quite some time.

[Starling]

There's no way to avoid encountering your neighbors sooner or later, if you're going to go out at all. And the worst thing you can do is run and hide! I'm not currently living full time, but I do go out when I can, and I have been seen by some of my neighbors. There's not much I can do about it, if I want to have a life.

Of course, I'm at an age where nobody pays much attention to me anyway, and I think I pass well enough to survive a casual glance. I've been clocked a time or two, but not lost my dignity. It's about feeling centered, and it's powerful.

I've decided if a neighbor should actually accost me--a nice old word, isn't it?--I will be as nonchalant as possible, and let them reach their own conclusions. If I were in transition, meeting the neighbors would be a non-issue, as they'd have to get used to me. But I can't really expect anyone to accept me as a woman if I'm constantly appearing as a man. Frankly, this is the biggest reason I'd much rather be en route than putzing around with dressing, but I can't manage it right now.

:) Lallie

[Rogina B]

Not sure where you intend to take your future,but you may as well start by growing a thicker skin.Perhaps telling[what?] to a neighbor that is moving out of your proximity is designed as a test of your courage..But a better route might be to be yourself around others and be polite and say "Hello neighbor" when you bump into them. What's the difference and what does it matter what they think? Why should you even care?

[I Am Paula]

You are posting in the transsexual forum. This implies a degree of needing to live as your true identity. Are you going to transition inside? What if you run out of food?
I think you may at some point run into your neighbors, you may as well be yourself when you do.

[PretzelGirl]

I have roughly the same question Michelle. I believe you have stated that you are in transition, so what is your goal in telling your neighbor? You can look at it this way, if you tell them and they are okay, then all is good. If you tell them and they don't like it and avoid you, is there any skin off of your nose? It depends on your relationship with them I presume.

I just got mine out of the way. I have no one across the street as it is a sound wall between me and the highway. The neighbor to the south mows at odd times and I don't see them otherwise. Don't even know their names. So the one neighbor I talk with a lot. He is a radiologist and has two adult daughters at home. Nothing too it. He blew it off as being my business, but we are friends, so I don't look at it that way. So to me, the importance depends on your current or expected relationship with your neighbor.

[arbon]

I did not go around to all my neighbors and tell them i was trans. Some had heard through gossip and rumor, some did not know until they started noticing me dressed different. Once I started gong out locally I was polite and friendly. People got used to it, it was not such a big deal. Where I transitioned is a small town, it took no time before everyone knew. There were plenty of awkward situations, moments but they pass. If you own it and are confident about who you are it wont matter - most people will accept you for who you are. If you act afraid and ashamed about it though that works against you.

[becky77]

If she moves out in a week why are you so bothered to tell her?
The new neighbors will be easiest, introduce yourself as Michelle and they will never know you as anything else.
How can you plan on transition, if you can't get out of the front door?
Are you thinking of transition?

[Alexand]

After my experiences with my neighbors, I have decided that we needn't say anything more than a warm goodmorning or goodevening. There are always beautiful, good people in the world, but they are unfortunately rare. Most of the times, the people you live next to can be a negative factor in your life if you open your doors to them.

[Michelle789]

Involvement with neighbors

Generally I don't like getting too involved with neighbors either. I had some bad experiences growing up, as well as with neighbors when I first moved to LA. I vowed I would never get involved with neighbors again, and I did so for 6 years. That all changed when I met my next door neighbor on the patio one night two summers ago and we struck up a conversation about the insanely hot summer weather. We've been friends ever since. I will say she is one of those rare next-door neighbor gems.

I came out to my (formerly) next door neighbor

I came out to her on Tuesday night, and she was surprisingly accepting and supportive. We walked outside the building so that no other neighbors could hear, and we talked at a park behind our apartment building. She immediately told me congratulations, and gave me a hug. She learned about transgender people in a psych course once, so she understands us at least from an academic perspective. It felt refreshing being able talk with her about HRT, hair removal, and other trans issues that most people have no clue about. She even asked me what my new name is, rather than me having to volunteer. She said she definitely wants to keep in touch with me, and wants to hang out with me in the future. I also told her about my support group, and about allies night, and she said she'd be interested in showing up as an ally some time. She also understood how scary it is to come out, and understood why I didn't want anyone else present when coming out, because truthfully I didn't have any clue how she would react. She also felt honored that she was the first person I came out to.

Yes, she is one of those rare gems. Sadly, she moved out today to be closer to her new job. I don't blame her for that though, traffic sucks in LA. I bumped into her this afternoon while dressed, and we said hi to each other. She was busy with the movers though so I didn't want to disturb her so I didn't attempt to start a conversation. I know moving is extremely hard work, having done it many times myself.

[KellyJameson]

Sometimes coming out can work against you when you make a point to tell someone because it comes across as a confession when there is nothing to confess.

If you live openly and without shame and warmly greet them as yourself this will give them the choice to accept and approach you or to avoid you but still respect you.

Coming out leaves some people feeling cornered.

I do not define myself for anyone but I live transparently as long as I believe my safety is not being compromised and I have established healthy boundaries regarding my need for privacy.

Privacy is different than secrecy because privacy is about self respect where secrecy has the potential to be about self loathing and shame.

Dress as you please but I do recommend modesty where modesty is expected.

I think we give people to much power over us when we need to define or explain who we are.

Save that for those you truly care about.