Let it go

[samantha rogers]

This is not meant to be anything that applies to anyone but me... perhaps some may understand.

Today, I had to make a long drive to be where I had to be for work tomorrow. As usual, long solitary drives get me thinking...and I wanted to share this...
I came out to my wife in January (and bless her for trying to understand and support that for which she never signed on), and I have since allowed myself a certain measure of freedom to open up, getting out, feeling the sun on my face, meeting people who see me now for who I really am, and dancing, dancing, dancing to the joy that is life. In truth, I have never done these things before.

I sit now before a hotel mirror, glancing every now and then at the aging face reflected back, free of the makeup and tricks I use to make myself try to look as I feel inside... or as close as possible. I see a face with more years behind me than ahead.

I thought back, as I was driving today, on all the years of my life, and all the places I have been, the cities where I have lived, the friends I have known, the women I have bedded, the wife I have loved and the children I have made. And I realized, that despite all the denial, all the lies, all the games, all the fear and all the deceit I have inflicted on myself, that I have always, always, somewhere way down deep inside, known...I mean really known...what and who I am. But the world in which I lived, the voices that I heard, the images I saw, the influences that I felt....all conspired to persuade me to be what they wanted me to be...and, quite dutifully, I did as I was told...I built a person out of images from somewhere else...a perfectly made facsimile of a boy, and then a young man, and finally an older man. And I lived quietly in the background of that man, like a passenger, while that “character” I had created lived what should have been my life...my life... yes, I experienced all of it, but not as my own...and more rather like a creature jailed in a rolling prison, able to observe but not interact, other than a momentary stifled cry for mercy slipped in from time to time only to be quickly blocked out.

I thought this while I was driving today, and I began to cry...I began to cry hard, with huge tears rolling down my cheeks...I had to pull over I was crying so hard. I literally howled with the pain of knowing so many years have gone...wasted in solitary confinement.

The last three years I have battled to make myself free finally...free of the constraints of a lifetime of denial. And now I have reached a place where I look back at the waste...the time, gone and never to be reclaimed...the years when my face was younger and prettier... when I might have...oh, when I might have done so much...

They were different years. It is easy to judge now, but decades ago, the task of breaking free was beyond daunting.... long before the tools and support our kind enjoy today.

But it is not all bad...far from it. My children are beautiful and I love them beyond words. My wife is my salvation. And among all those years there were good moments as well. But I also look ahead. I look at the time I do still have left.

And forgive me if I sometimes seem naive or foolish...consider that in truth, I am experiencing things now not as a person of my actual years, but more like a girl of 18 or 19 finally emerging, years behind schedule into a world she has never experienced first hand before. And it is all so glorious and new and beautiful.

And just as I began to drive again, having finally quieted my emotions, and begun to feel the pure joy of knowing I will never be imprisoned again, a song came on the radio...Let it Go from the soundtrack of the Disney film Frozen. It is quite popular right now...you have likely heard it. If not, you should. Imagine as you listen, that it is not really about a Disney cartoon character, but rather imagine it as I do, written to be a “coming out” manifesto penned by some brilliantly talented LGBT writer pouring out their heart to the world.

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go


And I had to pull the car over again...

I am crying again now as I write this....

but the tears this time are tears of pure and absolute joy.

Many thanks to all of you, for giving me this place to share this joy.

Hugs to you all

Sammie

[PaulaQ]

But the world in which I lived, the voices that I heard, the images I saw, the influences that I felt....all conspired to persuade me to be what they wanted me to be...and, quite dutifully, I did as I was told...I built a person out of images from somewhere else...a perfectly made facsimile of a boy, and then a young man, and finally an older man. And I lived quietly in the background of that man, like a passenger, while that “character” I had created lived what should have been my life...my life... yes, I experienced all of it, but not as my own...and more rather like a creature jailed in a rolling prison, able to observe but not interact, other than a momentary stifled cry for mercy slipped in from time to time only to be quickly blocked out.

I thought this while I was driving today, and I began to cry...I began to cry hard, with huge tears rolling down my cheeks...I had to pull over I was crying so hard. I literally howled with the pain of knowing so many years have gone...wasted in solitary confinement.


I wrote much the same words, and had essentially the same thoughts as you did Sammie. I know the pain you are experiencing all too well, and indeed, I cried on that awful, awful night last March when I reached the same conclusions you did today. I'm so sorry hon. There are ways to make this better. Please PM me if I can help you in any way. I know all too well the struggle you face.

[Julie Denier]

Sammie - Thank you for sharing this powerful introspection. I'm sure all of us here have had similar feelings to varying degrees. It can truly be a challenge to be true to one's self, especially when it's something that so many don't fully understand (including ourselves). It's such a comfort to have this forum where kindred spirits can share support and lean on each other. Be well in your journey ...

Hugs,
Julie ;)

[reb.femme]

Hi Samantha,

Similar space in time for me too, insofar that I only came out to my wife 2 years ago. I'm now in my 50s and curse the many missed years when I had a natural dark tint to my skin, was ultra svelte and no heavier than a bag of potatoes. I too will also celebrate that which is ahead of me rather than dwell on what might have been. More positively, I will celebrate the gift of my many years on Earth that were not afforded my younger sister, taken a couple of years ago now.

I sincerely hope the future holds as much, if not a greater happiness for you, in addition to that which you have already experienced.

Rebecca

[Kate Simmons]

Nothing is ever a waste in our ongoing quest to learn who we are and where we are going my friend. I regret nothing in my life even the hard times because they have been learning experiences I can utilize to move forward and they have, in fact, helped to make me who I am today. Who you are today is no doubt who you were really meant to be. A lot of us realize that eventually when the "aha" moment hits us. Enjoy being your own unique self my friend. I know I do.:)

[Hell on Heels]

OMG Sammie, As usual there are plenty here that have had the same experience.(pointing at myself with both index fingers) Looking back wondering what if I had done this, or that, does no good. But keeping those thought from popping into our heads is nearly impossible, but from what your saying you've got over it quickly. Thank god for Disney! Feel good about where your at today sweetheart, your a fabulous person.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Allisa]

Samantha, you have penned my thoughts (minus wife & kids) as I approach becoming a sexagenarian I have caught myself in retrospect at the kitchen table with a once hot cup of coffee that has gone cold and a puddle of tears. I hope any lesson from all of this is that we move forward with more steely conviction in all that we do. The past is just that, the past.

Joy and Happiness- Lisa

[Marcelle]

Hi Sammie,

Lovely and heart felt post sweetie. Much emotion and much pain but I did detect joy lurking in the background. Nothing is harder than coming to grips with one's own mortality. As we get older the world spins at a breakneck speed and all we can do is sit and watch it go by with time dragging us forward kicking and screaming.

I have had and believe many have the same thoughts. I dressed once before long ago at 17 (first and last time until 32 years later). I did not see the 17 year old girl staring back at me but rather an old guy in a dress. I thought my goodness what time I wasted. But then I think back on all the good times I had, the things I have seen and experience (good and bad), my wife, my daughter, my friends and I think it was not wasted . . . it was just not shared with Isha. However in a way it was shared because she was always here with me, just riding shotgun and waiting for her time. Now that she is out, I look ever forward and both Isha and boy me will share everything from this day forward.

Hugs

Isah

[GretchenJ]

Hey Sammie

I feel a great amount of sadness in your post (initially), of lost time wasted and regrets. But this is the kind of feelings we all face, when we reach a certain age. This is the time of our lives when we start to think of out mortality, the time when we buy that sports car, to get the plastic surgery, to go out with the 20 something year old in an attempt to hold on to own youth. This is a human condition, not so much as a CD condition.

That being said, and as someone that is still in the closet, and has not ventured outside until age 50, do I wish I did it when I was in my 20's or 30's ? Absolutely! But I still have no regrets, I have great wife, a wonderful family, and what I wear does not totally define who I am. Gretchen was partially there when I graduated high school, then college, was there on the day I was married, or at the dinner table tonight. It is wrapped into my DNA like my male self.

Now the good news. You have a clear view of the path you want to take, there appear to appear to be no obstacles in your way, and makeup can do wonders to hide the wrinkles!!! Plus, your photos look like you present yourself as a woman in your early 30's, so that's in your corner as well :)

Thank you very much for sharing your feelings

Hugs
Gretch

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sammie, It sounds like there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Sammie, as a GG who has lived those youthful years you speak of, listen to that song and let them go! Embrace the woman you are now and not the woman the man in you wants to see. Youth and beauty are not all we are about - heck, it's not even a millionth of what we are about! We are fantastic at every age! :)

Enjoy this next stage in your life because we don't get very many, and each is as important as the one before x

[suchacutie]

Tina arrived just after I turned 55. The learning curve about her and where she was hidden all that time was intense.

Inevitably the question arises about, "what if Tina had appeared earlier? " Have I truly lost 40 years of Tina? Maybe, but to assume that all would be just as it is now is a fantasy. Could I have experienced the fantastic growth and satisfaction of Tina in 1965? I very much doubt it. Just reading about the challenges many here faced in those days tells me life would have taken a very different turn, and chances are strong not for the better.

I can't possibly second-guess my life. I have no regrets and won't as long as I continue to experience life for all it holds, especially now that I know so much more about who I am and the loving wife at our side.

[Underdressed]

"If only I had !" It's too late, it's all gone. Just look to the future and all that's to come.

[ArleneRaquel]

samantha,
Your amazing post made my eyes tear up. A wonderful post, I loved it.

[AlanaG]

Sammie

Reading your post brought a heart felt rush of emotions to me. I have to agree with Gretch in that I think this kind of introspection is a result of a normal human being getting older and wiser. While I too feel like I've missed out a lot in what-could-have-beens, it's not all geared to my CDing or wondering what it would have been like if I were female instead of male. I wish you well as you continue on, on your path.

[Dana3]

You've captaure the pure essence of the plethora of feelings and raw emotions of what it means to be am androgious man in Western society and culture! There are infinite, relentless pressures from all directions to conform to the false standard of normalcy and masculinity.

To walk like a man, talk like a man, act like a man, be a man.

Many have not been strong enough to withstand their "choice " ~ to step outside the prescribed "norm? " of giving homage to what is the fallacy of normalcy? Many have suicided suicided themselves. The attempted rate of suicide being around 47% among GLBT! Better "Dead than Red" I suppose?

Some use a gun, an overdose of prescription drugs, or a razor blade?

Still others choose the long lingering death of suicide over the course of many years self medicating with their preferred fifth of Posion ~ gin, vodka, Scotch?

Attempting to deny, bury, kill the "One" within one second, one minute, one drink at a time!

[Keri L]

Dear Sammie,

I wish you all the best in your path towards self-discovery.

By the way, you still look amazing, so don't fret too much about wasted time. Get out there and live a little!

Best,
Caitlyn

[Christyheely]

I can relate. Thank you so much for sharing this. Your words are beautiful as are their meaning to me.

Christy

[Beverley Sims]

Samantha,
Don't get morose or pine for what might have been.
Now that you have had a good cry and got it out of your system, look forward to the future.

You have good kids, a wonderful wife and I bet your car engine check light isn't on.

What more could you want.

There is a big bright future for you to work on.

Okay I was lucky I lived it successfully and enjoyed it.

I am still enjoying it.

Now I have to have a little laugh at myself because I am not really drop dead gorgeous any more.

I am still gods gift to all women....

You ask me and I will tell you. :)

[Michelle789]

Sammie,

Thank you for your post. I feel very much the same way too, being forced to pretend to be the man and person that everyone else around me wants me to be. It's been a slow and painful process trying to accept myself. But God has put everyone and everything in my path to help me break down the obstacles to self-acceptance. I deal with many issues outside of gender that are related to gender but still separate issues.

1. A dysfunctional family that is very misogynistic.

2. A tyrannical, paranoid father that wanted me to be the perfect son.

3. Alcoholism

4. Low self-esteem

5. Overthinking, overanalyzing, and living too much in my head

6. A past history of cross-dressing that was heavily masturbatory

7. Consistent feelings that I really am a girl on the inside.

8. Poor life and coping skills

9. Difficulty being able to handle stress

10. Lots of anxiety and depression

11. Caring WAY too much what others think

12. A psychic that tried pressuring me into being a man for real, dating, marriage, and nearly drove me to suicide. And she also exposed me to both misandry and misogyny.

God has placed many people in my path who are trans, and who suffer from many of the same issues above that I have.

A female friend that I have known for years who lives in SF whom I only speak to intermittently happened to show up in late July to early August and helped me to finally be able to stand up to and fire the psychic, and also recommended that I join a TG support group. Perhaps an act of God, placing her in my path at just the right time.

On Friday night when I went to my AA meeting, someone who's number was called, shared about being authentic and not caring about what anyone else thinks. This was definitely an act of God trying to help break down the barriers and obstacles. I gave this woman at the meeting a ride to fellowship afterwards, and she said that God puts people in our path to help guide us through life. This is what is happening in my life.

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk more :)

[Katey888]

Dear Sammie - your lovely, emotional and heartfelt post has derailed my morning... but in a good if emotional way... :)

You still have so much to look forward to, you have some great memories to look back on, you are finding joy now in what you're doing and where you're going...

Carpe Diem... :cheer:

Thanks for sharing that...

Katey x

[Teresa]

Hi Sammie please don't be ashamed of those tears, something does pass out through them, I felt I'd lost a millstone through mine ! It sounds a very girly thing but I felt you've just worn my shoes and I'm wearing yours from what you have said !
I'm sorry I don't know that song but I'm sure we all can relate to one that evokes the same mixed emotions !
I hope you print out your thread and keep it safe it means a lot to many of us !

[Kate T]

Sammie, as a GG who has lived those youthful years you speak of, listen to that song and let them go! Embrace the woman you are now and not the woman the man in you wants to see. Youth and beauty are not all we are about - heck, it's not even a millionth of what we are about! We are fantastic at every age! :)

Enjoy this next stage in your life because we don't get very many, and each is as important as the one before x

:yt:

Everything that I was going to write but written 10 times better.

Personally I think that the song is not necessarily the expression of an LGBT writer but the expression of a woman, a woman who for years has had to comply with family and societies expectations of her being "cute" and "petite" and "oh won't she make a lovely mother". A woman who is going to be all that she can be.

[Sarasometimes]

Well said, Sammie. I think you wrote for many many of us. Sure you can look back on how you coulda shoulda woulda but even in your Aha moment you acknowledge the joys of the route you took! Your caring, loving wife and children. Who know how the other path would have gone? Hindsight is 20/20. Not sure of your age but I think from your avatar you have a few more years to explore a new stage of your life.
I think at times we all take a moment to reflect and dream of a different path but the things that influenced your choices would still have been the same. So how would that other path have truly worked out? Who knows. You have taken a new step, your wife knows so take it as it comes and enjoy everyday for what it brings. Tomorrow is....

[MsVal]

You need a hug.

There have been so very many stories of tearful events that they seem to run together. Whether it's disclosure, acceptance, rejection, or in your case, retrospection, they paint a disturbing picture of life in the mind of a person with gender identity issues. Anyone that reads those and maintains that this is a choice or hobby is denying the truth.

Wasted years are not really wasted, they are years spent on graduate level classes at the University of Hard Knocks. Those that graduate from that thorny-league school have a well earned appreciation of the difference between the good and the bad. Sammie, you know that you have friends here that care for you and your well being. Please embrace the good, reject the bad, and accept what life has provided you. Those life experiences have turned what could have been into the wonderful person that you are.

You still need a hug, if from no one else, from yourself.

Best wishes
MsVal

[samantha rogers]

Thank you all for the wonderful comments. This board is so incredibly supportive. Those who are young may take it for granted, having never known what things were like before, but I treasure this place.
I should clarify, though, as I fear some may have misinterpreted my intent.
What I was trying so poorly to express, was a particular emotion or rather, aseries of emotions I self indulgently allowed myself to experience yesterday and the thoughts that went with those feelings. Rationally, I am fine. Honest. Lol
I have learned and continue to try and accept that emotions are powerful and need to be felt, experienced fully and acknowledged before allowing reason to make our decisions. Otherwise...well, that way madness lies, as Shakespeare once observed.
I am well aware that I have been blessed in oh so many ways. My life has had many wonderful experiences in many places and I have been able to do and see things many will never be able to duplicate. I have a wonderful wife and great kids.It is all good.
Rather, what I was trying to express, was a moment of wistful selfishness...a momentary lapse into wondering what might have been...not unlike those moments we all have when we wonder what might have been if we had, say...taken that different job twenty years ago, or actually gone back and apologised to that dear friend we lost, or proposed to that girl...only, in this case, with something that cuts so much closer to the heart. Its fine now. Really.
Its all good.
:battingeyelashes:

Now lets get back to talking about the fun stuff..tee hee
Who wants to go shopping?:heehee:

[Confucius]

Wonderful post. I found it really touching. If there is any advise I could give you it would be something like this...

You have a wonderful wife who is the most important thing in your life. You have beautiful children whom you love. There are plenty of good moment and memories.

You cannot recapture the past or see your own future, you only have today. So make the most of each day as if it was a precious gift. Be grateful for all the blessings you have, and make yourself a blessing to others. When your life reaches its end, the amount of time you spent cross-dressing will not matter at all. I am sure that if you knew you had only a few days to live then you would not focus on cross-dressing more, instead you would be contacting those you love and expressing your love and appreciation for them. Believe it or not, there are more important things in your life than cross-dressing.

Seek truth, practice love, and relish beauty everywhere. That is all you need to do in the world. That is all there is to know in the world.

[Annaliese]

Oh girl, wow, you said it all, you said it for me, in your words, the thoughts I have had over the last few years. Yes Let it Go, and the movie Frozen are my all time favorites. Yes as she is singing the song in the movie I picture my self shedding off all that I have to keep in, when she change her dress as it stated to change from the hem up, til she walk out on the balcony and that walk. I must have see the movie 20 times since it come out on DVD.
Thanks you this post. hugs

[KaceyR]

Wow. What a powerful post Sammie. Very powerful meaning thruought.

>I started to reply last night after Michelle's-got stuck midway with issues (adding this and the next cpl lines after I'd finished this following afternoon). Unfortunately I apologize that I seem to just reply about myself than to your post. Add to that the fact that you followed up already. So this will seem mis-timed but I think I still need to post it out there. Probably should be on it's own thread-sorry.

I read posts like these and I end up bawling away myself.
I regularly run into these thoughts and into a bit of depression over what my life has been.
I've not had the glaring issues growing up with CD like some have, but I definitely equate to Michelle's 4 thru 11.
But add on my side the self-imposed (i guess) lonlieness over my 48 years, never being able to really communicate with others well enough (shyness, introvertedness) to even try to have any relationships, wasting the last 30 in a dead job that has only isolated me further while seeing everyone around me able to 'experience' life, I always feel a multiple hammer of gloom and despair and man can it be rough.

Gender/CD issues aside, at this time in my life, i am going thru a lot at the moment involved with so much that should have been figured out decades ago. Things like base sexuality (as much as there can be figured out in my situation anyways), figuring out my lifes purpose, i just dont know at times.
And i try to work out Kacey's part in all of this.
Sometimes i think she's just a diversion away from a dead life.
Othertimes i know its much much more involved.. going even beyond a simple 'just enjoying clothes' form of expression.
I've thought many times about my times out as Kacey, about this board and it's influences, about boundaries pushed, about pretty much everything in this ~7 month journey.
A lot might seem strange for someone to only go from first really putting on fem clothes in Oct/nov to running all over on a 'first outing' day in Jan to pretty much outing to all friends and family. But i look at the way my life has been and its kind of been a tipping point thing. I've built up so many anxieties and issues over these years that i can no longer really hold back on much. Don't know if its really a 'dont care what others think' attitude really..but the end result is the same.
Kind of like picturing a glass. And everything thats happened in my life up to now has added a drop of water to it.
Remembering times meeting a girl..having feelings but never able to talk or say anything: another drop.
Spiritual experiences explored but messed up in the end due to logic,anxiety: more drops.
the job ive kept for so long with no real advancement and constantly with a relatively low pay and why ive not pushed for more: more drops.
Socially inept, unable to enjoy myself at social dances or events (never went to proms, zero social thru school):more drops.

Eventually its added up to be a full glass of issues and worries. And it seems with me this water in the glass doesnt evaporate over the years. So if i try to add a worry about CDing/going out or what people think - those drops cant be added to my glass anymore-it just pours over. Its not to say I'm wreckless really. I just physically cant be bothered to hold it in anymore. Its both good and bad. Good that I somewhat can accomplish a lot more without mentally hanging up and stalling the experience. But bad that emotionally at times I'm a wreck. An issue happens (or I read about an issue, or get involved in a story or thing) and I'm off crying or depressed. Quite literally I don't watch a lot of movies or dramas due to this.
I guess it's a situation where since my glass of water doesn't evaporate, I need to put a hole in the bottom instead to clear things out. (and make a mess on the table..but I digress).

I dunno...sometimes this is the good side/bad side of the modern world and internet.
It gives you a new way to explore, to see things thru others eyes and unfortunately see what you miss out on.
For CDers application-I can imagine say a CDer in their 50-60s. They started early CDing when young. But without much contact if any with other CDers, they stayed closeted. No CD 'social' activity or going out. They also raised a family. Now maybe this CDer didn't need more interaction to satisfy his CD needs. Or maybe he did need but just got used to being unfulfilled.
But today, we have internet and sites like cd.com.
This same CDer just starting out now can see how many there are like himself. This is great as it gets rid of some of the hiding in shame aspect. But now thanks to that and the fact that now there is more chance to communicate with CDers that get out and present to the world..so now this CDer thinks 'hey, I can do that too!' And does just that.

Anyway, I think that modern tech and the internet has really caused an explosion of the 'visible' CD numbers. And while good, it has also exposed transgender issues in general. Young kids and people are more and more figuring out their gender issues earlier in life. They can now change and experience their true lifestyle needs earlier, instead of just figuring it out in their 50-60's where they're stuck looking like an old guy in a dress from now on. And while good, for the older ones and me..it adds to the 'if only I'd known earlier' kind of nostalgic feeling. In my case, I've been feeling more and more at times that it's a bit stronger thing than just CD. That maybe I have a higher level of GD than I've realized. I guess therapy is the only way to really find out. And that'll be the problem. Thanks to my life and job choices, I don't think I could even afford therapy to figure out things let alone continue on any transitional path. And that then adds more to the emotional/depression side.
Maybe I should've kept this genie in the bottle and continued to live unawares.

Funny how board replying can go. I started replying here on my ipad early this morning. Some good cries thruought. So I dozed off after this previous paragraph. And dreamed. I saw CDers and their families out and about. The scene shifted and now I had put myself at some sort of CDing or gendering 'store' or somesuch (I can't explain 'what' exactly was being sold-just knew it was related). In line to the checkout/counter (or in queue for the UK'ers :)). Others came up and cut ahead if me. Annoyed but it's been my nature to just not push or argue, I let them do that. Another cuts again. Now I'm more annoyed.. Not only at these people but at the clerk who isn't even acknowledging me or helping the situation. Eventually I give up and run out of the store not even getting what I wanted or needed. Woke up not long after that. And yeah crying a bit. It's afternoon now.

In some ways it's a continuance of the way I've lived myself. Non-confrontational, non-assertive, stay in the back quietly not say a word. Just flow with whatever thing in life..even if I don't like it, I'll get used to it and just continue to live on.
Just like, say you hear a squeak in your car's wheel. After awhile you get used to the sound and maybe tune it out. You can continue on but there is an issue not taken care of.
That's how I'm seeing this dream and my life.
I've been too quiet for too long with too much living with accepting (and acclimatizing to) issues all around instead of taking care of them.
The catch is if I can truly find my voice to speak up for this one (gender/CDing) and truly get what's needed at that shop...

[Kevyn53]

I spent YEARS thinking about what might have been if only... If only I had tried this back when I got my divorce from my first wife. If only I'd been open with this to my SO who's been my wife for 24 glorious years. If only I'd had the guts to be more open back when I was a kid, maybe I could have connected with my mom better through this.

Well, the if only's bit me in the behind, because I never really saw where i was headed, because I was looking over my shoulder the whole time. I'm learning to revel in my wife's support and trying to talk to her about more things, not just CDing.

So the idea is to move forward and not regret the lost time or opportunities. Hugs and support.

And with spring arriving, she's purging a lot of clothing and asking if this would fit me, or do I think I'd look good in that. My wardrobe has almost doubled in the last 48 hours.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Sam , beautiful post & no need to apologize for your emotions echoing within your soul. Those echoes get louder when we sometimes dwell on what might be or if I had only done that. We all experience those thoughts & moments. You have been on one hell of a cd rollercoaster ride over the past year. That ride includes periods of euphoria , new experiences with sometimes uncertain consequences & questioning the why of what we do. You are a special person; one can easily come to that conclusion from your many posts. You really enjoy being Samantha. What a wonderful feeling with no regrets. Peace, mel

[ReineD]

Rather, what I was trying to express, was a moment of wistful selfishness...a momentary lapse into wondering what might have been...not unlike those moments we all have when we wonder what might have been if we had, say...taken that different job twenty years ago, or actually gone back and apologised to that dear friend we lost, or proposed to that girl...only, in this case, with something that cuts so much closer to the heart. Its fine now. Really.
Its all good.


I'm so glad that you posted this. Your original post was beautiful and well written, but I too had the impression that you were not happy with your life and you would change it drastically if you could. And then I imagined how your family might feel if they read this.

I suppose this is why diaries should be kept private. :)

And even though your OP was written with feminine expression in mind, I could also relate. During difficult times I have also regretted not following through with some life changing options. But, then I remember that all lives have their pitfalls, even the ideal ones we imagine when we think, "what if".

[Farrah]

That was beautiful! I, like many others, feel the same way. You were able to put my exact feelings into words. I finally came out to my wife about 3 weeks ago. The freedom, not just of dressing, but to express my feelings how I've always wanted to. I think for me, the dressing is just a bonus. My freedom, emotionally, is valued above anything else. I have a peace of mind. I can now live...Thank you for that beautiful writing. Bless you and yours!:kiss:

[MeganDay]

Sammie, pain shared is pain halved, and joy shared is joy multiplied. I'm grateful to you for sharing both the pain and the joy. Your story could be my own. I started all this back in the days before support groups, before forums, heck before personal computers. Sometimes, I imagine what things would have been like if I was 14 today and putting on panties for the very first time. But hey, I'm here now, and there ARE support groups, and there ARE internet forums, and I am DAMN well going to take advantage of that. :)

Thanks again, and I'm pleased to have had the chance to read it.

Megan

[paulaprimo]

wow sammie what a beautiful post! you've touched the hearts and minds of many and judging from the number of responces many members can relate to it...
i know that i can! as a very late bloomer myself i've had many of the same feelings and emotions that you've expressed so beautifully! i am so happy to hear that you
are happy and content now as i am also. :)

[SandraV]

Wow Sammie, what a beautiful post. Reading your OP made me tear up, then laugh at your follow up. As many have said, you captured many of our feelings as well as anyone could have. Certainly glad to hear you are doing ok.

As TG folk, we are blessed and cursed at the same time.... Still working hard to see this more as a blessing than a curse.... but I digress.

Thank you for sharing such personal and beautiful thoughts....

Hugs,
Sandra