Apparently, I was so far in the closet I emerged in Narnia...

[LenGray]

Hello, lovely people of CDers.com! I know I haven't been very active here recently but there was a reason!

So, I've been visiting a gender therapist and going to trans* support groups every week for the past month or so and realized something very important about myself. I don't want to be a man. I want to be a lesbian. :eek:

After talking over some issues with my therapist and group, I realized that my feelings weren't the same as other trans*persons that felt they were the wrong gender.

Although I do naturally cross gender boundaries in both my appearance and behavior, crossdressing began for me because of my first crush, a straight girl. I desperately wanted her to like me and began to masculinize myself so that me being a girl didn't matter. Other times in my life that I crossdressed (including now) weren't because I wanted to be a man, but because I didn't want to be a straight woman. Even though I knew I was attracted to girls, I was still in denial.

So, how did I manage that? Well, after looking at my childhood and the way I was raised (I don't feel like recapping so just check out the 'Gender and Perception' thread) my therapist helped me understand that since a 'normal' nuclear family was what I'd been raised was the only acceptable choice.

I'd unconsciously been trying to justify my homosexuality by becoming, quite literately, the 'man of the house' so that I would still technically be straight by liking girls.

So, I'm still somewhat on the gender variant spectrum because I occasionally enjoy crossdressing, but not the way I thought and not the way I've been presenting.

I'm really sorry and hope no one feels too upset with me.

[natalie_cheryl]

I don't see how anyone can be set with you, your journey is your own and you should feel comfortable enough to share what your going through to share without fear of retribution. That said I'm happy that you have figured out what you need to be happy and you didn't start on hormones that might not have given you the results that you may have been looking for. So ling story short congratulations

[Chari]

Len, No matter where you are on the gender scale, you should always be comfortable and confident with your life. Finding and accepting the true feeling of who you are and how you present to others does take time. Please continue communicating with your therapist, and perhaps set a plan in motion that will get you to a comfortable place in your life. Enjoy.

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line my friend is that you really only ever have to be yourself. That is good enough for me. :hugs::)

[Dana M]

Hi Len,

Congratulations. I'm glad you are moving along on you journey. At least you found your way back from Narnia. Not that it was a bad thing. You needed that experience to grow as a person.

[Sallee]

Hi Len thanks for that little tidbit. I think there may be more folks out there in both genders who have the same problem that you realized with the help of a therapist. That is just my untrained opinion but I think lots of us should look at it before under going any kind of permanent change. I am a cross dresser that is attracted to women which would include other CDs. they look like women and guys are visual. I know what I am doing and know where it will lead and thats ok. I have never been attracted physically to a guy.
What it is all about is what ever works for you and being happy.
Good luck on your journey

[LenGray]

natalie: Thank you :) Actually it was my reluctance to get on hormones or change my appearance that first tipped off my therapist that I might not be an FtM and led us to discovering that I was still uncomfortable with my sexuality. I'm glad that I didn't do anything permanent though!

Chari: Thank you. Right now, my therapist is suggesting that I get active in the LGBT community here and meet other lesbians. She thinks that since I've had several negative situations with my relationships that it would help a lot with my self-esteem to see that there are other real life lesbians out there and that I don't have to be something I'm not in order to attract a woman.

Kate: Thank you for your support, my friend :)

Dana: Thank you ^_^ I'm glad that I had the experience, though I wonder if I'm the only person who has ever been in so much denial that I thought I was trans*...

Sallee: Thank you :) It's kind of a weird thing lol I've known that I liked women since high school and enjoyed relationships with women more than men but it was like there was always a block in my head about it. I know that the whole point of 'denial' is that you're generally not aware of it, it's just that it sort of shocks me that I went that far with it? I'm going to try and get involved with the community here though and see how far this journey takes me :D

[mechamoose]

LenGray, if the various members here can all agree on *anything*, I can confidently say that we would agree that this is a journey of discovery.

Don't you dare *EVER* feel sorry for being *YOU*.

You are a 'gender different' person, and you have wanted to present 'male' or 'male-ish'. That fits 100% with who you are discovering yourself to be. You are YOU.

<3

- MM

[Raychel]

Len, I will echo what the rest have said, Don't ever feel sorry for being the person you are.
I hope you find a comfortable place in your mind, one that you are happy with,
it definitely sounds like you have made some progress,


We are here for you, no matter how you are dressed, no matter of you like boys or girls.

[Keri L]

Dear Len,

I am very happy for you! Coming to terms with who you are will free you from so much of the angst and confusion that you may have been suffering through. Enjoy the new found clarity! and don't forget all of gender variants here at CD.com!

Best,
Caitlyn

[LenGray]

Thanks mecha, Caitlyn, and Raychel :) I've been thinking a lot about my feelings...and honestly, the idea of committing to being a lesbian, and a gender non-conforming one at that, is a really scary idea for me. As strange as it seems, it's scarier for me than the idea of becoming a man.

That's in no way meant to disparage how trans*people feel but the idea of putting myself out there with a woman, of letting people know that I'm gay and dealing with their reactions is terrifying. But, at the same time, I feel better about myself and feel like I'm closer to being 'me'. I'm so very grateful for the wonderful support and encouragement that this site has given me and I love you all for it :)

[mechamoose]

Len, I think that I perceive that you are seeing your desires through a different lens for the first time.

I'm an oddball here in that I'm Bi/Pan. I remember what it was like to accept that I was a boy who liked boys. It can be challenging to your self identity in a serious way.

Don't be scared dear. Be honest with yourself and your feelings, and as the PSAs say "It gets better".

<3

- MM

[LenGray]

Len, I think that I perceive that you are seeing your desires through a different lens for the first time.

Through a different lens? Maybe...The thing that makes it so weird is that I realized that I liked girls back in high school. But it was like I came out back then as liking girls and now I'm coming out again with the realization of what exactly liking girls means for my life.

My therapist is helping me a lot with sorting everything out and I think it'll all turn out okay somehow though, like you said, it's a bit weird thinking of myself differently :) As always, you(and the PSA ;) ) have great advice, moose!

[Persephone]

I'm really sorry and hope no one feels too upset with me.

As I'd gotten to know a bit about you through your posts I'd already concluded that you are a pretty terrific person, regardless of time, space, or gender. So no need to ever feel sorry for who you are.

Learning abit about yourself is a lot like peeling an onion, finding the layers under the layers. If you have discovered something about yourself, rhen you are ahead of the game. Like Kermit said, "It ain't easy being green!"

Ftm, lesbian, whatever, I hope you will continue to post here.

Hugs and continual best wishes,
Persephone.

[Raychel]

the idea of committing to being a lesbian, and a gender non-conforming one at that, is a really scary idea for me. As strange as it seems, it's scarier for me than the idea of becoming a man.
I can see why if you decided to go the hormone route and change genders there would need to be some commitment,
but other then that, maybe best to just commit to being yourself. commit to enjoy today to the fullest, and see where the cards fall.
if you find your life happy, and meet another person to be in your life happy, that is all the really matters,
doesn't matter if that person is the opposite gender or not, doesn't matter how you or that person dresses. of if there is even another person.


Main commitment is to enjoy your life, however you see fit.
just my :2c: I hope that make sense. :thinking:
no college degree here, and I didn't even sleep at a Holiday Inn Express.

[PaulaQ]

Be careful honey, a number of us get told we're either gay or lesbian, rather than trans. Does your therapist have much experience with trans*?

I have a close friend who had an intervention staged on her - I kid you not - so she could admit she was really just a gay man. Yes, mental healthcare professionals went along with this idea.

She's a leader in the transgender community now, and most decidedly a woman.

Do a lot of butch lesbians bind their breasts?

BTW, if you are a lesbian, then congrats - and I mean that - you dodged a bullet.

A question for you - why does being a lesbian seem scarier than being a man? I'd have MUCH rather been a gay man than a trans woman.

edit: overlooked the following:


After talking over some issues with my therapist and group, I realized that my feelings weren't the same as other trans*persons that felt they were the wrong gender.


This is a lot better evidence to me that you are a butch lesbian rather than trans. I'm happy for you Len! I can understand that it seems scary, but all I can tell you is that butch lesbians are highly underrated. (I think masculine lesbian women are gorgeous.) I think it's awesome that you've found your identity. Enjoy it hon - be who you are!

[Princess Grandpa]

I'm so very happy for you. Understanding what's going on within our own bodies, minds, hearts, seems like it should be so easy doesn't it? I hope you find peace and happiness!

Hug
Rita

[LenGray]

Persephone: Thank you! And I'll definitely still be posting here :) I think that I'm going to try for an androgynous style so I'll still need you ladies to give me tips! Yeah, figuring out who you are is tough...hopefully I'll be able to figure it out as I go :D

Raychel: I appreciate your two cents! :) You have a great outlook and even though I'm trying to figure out what exactly 'I' am at this point, I'll keep your words in mind :)

Paula: Thank you :)

Princess Grampa: Thank you ^_^ You would think it would be easy, but I'm pretty sure the most confusing person I've ever met is me lol

[ReineD]

Hi Len, I'm so glad that you figured it out, congratulations! :)

It's one of the reasons I think this forum is so beneficial. It's a great place to work through stuff!

[LenGray]

Thanks ReineD :) I think I still have a long way to go when it comes to discovering who I am and who I want to be lol But the support of everyone here has helped a lot! :D

[Andy66]

Yay, Len! Im happy for you that youre figuring yourself out. I think some of us are really fluid and defy labels, and thats okay. Just do what feel right to you and try not to worry too much about labels or rules.

[ShadowWarryor]

Well damn lol. I'm bisexual. I am attracted to both genders. Going back to my childhood I couldn't understand why my brother was treated differently than me. I would often try to dress him up like a girl and see he he felt. Going back over old photos I would wear boxers and act lika typical little boy. When I hit puberty I had no idea what boobs or periods were. They made us watch a video to help us better understand. I didn't understand and felt I should've been in the other classroom with the boys. I loved swimming in boxers and no shirt. At the time I couldn't comprehend why they wanted me to wear bikinis or why they told me I would have to wear a shirt soon. I went crying to my mom when I started devolping breasts. Lol Glad to see you finding yourself tho! I need to start going to psychology sessions but I have yet to do so. Money is an issue at the moment unfortunately.