I'm asexual and cannot make myself have sex

[MsLivia]

Hello, all. I'd like to share something very personal that I don't really get to talk about. In fact, I've never really talked in detail about this particular quality of myself, and I hope you guys can help me.

First thing's first: I am asexual. (http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.html)

I have tried for a long time to figure out what's been wrong with me. As I grew up, I never developed sexual feelings for women, and I hesitate to spread this knowledge because people normally would normally assume I must be gay. This isn't true. It was a source of great pain growing up (and today) because I feared I was different from everybody else, not to mention I feared being incapable of having a relationship.

The truth is, however, I want a relationship. I want to show affection and love as much as I can to my opposite, but I'm afraid I won't be able to give them everything they want. Going into a relationship, I cannot promise whether or not I'll ever be able to commence sex, but I'll try as much as I can.

This doesn't mean I'm totally devoid of a libido: at a very young age, I developed a chronic pantyhose fetish and it still persists heavily today in the form of dressing up as a female. This also includes a few other fetishes. The objects I get off to surround feminine things, and I'd like to think the more I open myself up to other sexual interests, the closer I'll get to being able to have willing sex with a woman. So far, it's changed my tastes and has made me more interested in females.

I have a lot of self-conscious issues concerning my sexuality, and I've been pressured by people in the past to go out to strip clubs or try seeing women. I get terrified because I'm not only being pushed into something I don't want to do, but I'm afraid I'll get embarrassed when I try it. They also say, "how do you know if you haven't tried it?" I do not feel the need to justify the way I am. It's how it is. Stop forcing me into it. Sorry, short little rant there.

Anyways, I guess the main question is: should I try sexual/fetish experiments to develop a sexual attraction to women? I know I shouldn't feel bad for being the way I am, but I still want to make an effort. If I have ladyfriend someday, I want to fulfill them as much as I can. I hope you guys understand.

I'll appreciate some feedback. Thanks for reading.

[Dawn cd]

First of all, this is not the best venue for exploring your sexuality, or lack of it. You're not going to find the answers in strip clubs either. It's an important matter and you need to explore it with a competent therapist. Affection and love are different than sex—and more important. So you can still find love even if you never solve the sexual question. A person can go through life without sex, but a person can't go through a meaningful life without love.

[MsLivia]

A therapist visit sounds promising, but I don't have the money for it. I'm not sure if my family would really take me to see one over such an issue, either. I've hardly ever discussed it with them.

I have very deep desires to be with a woman, there's just little sexual feelings involved. I don't believe it would be too hard to do it when I come to truly love them, but then again, what other way would I like it more? This is only a problem until I make it one. I shouldn't have to feel like an incomplete person all the time.

[KellyJameson]

I "was" asexual in that sex "as a male" was psychologically impossible even if I could have figured out some way to force my body to do what did not come naturally to my brain.

My sexual difficulties were partly what exposed the lie I was living pertaining to my actual gender as "gender identity"

My sexuality and female gender identity were tightly bound up together so to protect my identity my sexuality never was born and everytime I tried to force myself into that role I would have panic attacks but it had nothing to do with fear related to self doubt but the actual act was an affront to my senses and mind.

Basically I always would make love to a woman as a woman which they really enjoyed at first but than they would become very insecure because they thought I did not want them because I did'nt "as a man"

Many asexuals are also transsexual and you may or may not also be transsexual.

I'm inclined to see your sexuality as heterosexual because you are able to have a fetish relationship with female clothing which symbolically represent women.

Your asexuality may simply be social anxiety so you remove yourself from the company of women.

I never found female clothing or pornography to be sexually arousing or even the female form. Sex was my attempt to have an intimate connection with someone I cared about and I tend to respond sexually more to power than beauty.

Asexuality is nothing to be ashamed about and you have plenty of company. If you feel the asexuality is forced on you instead of being a choice you freely make than that in my opinion would be something to explore.

It may be about gender identity or simply fears and self doubt that are keeping you a prisoner.

Keep a journal and learn to practice honest introspection and your mind will lead you to the truth in time.

[ReineD]

Hi MsLivia! :)

There's a GREAT forum specifically for asexuals. It's called AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network).

The website: http://www.asexuality.org/home/

The discussion forum: http://www.asexuality.org/en/


You describe having no issues with orgasm ... you just haven't had one with a woman. I don't think this means you're asexual, but rather "auto-erotic"?

You might want to ask those questions in the AVEN forum. :)

[kimdl93]

How old are you?

[samanthasolo]

Hi Livia,
A therapist should be a serious consideration for you! I have to make an assumption that you are young because you stated that you don't know if your family will take you nor have you ddiscussed it with them. Is it fair to say that you are post pubescent and still in your self exploratory stage in life?

Speaking for myself and my own experiences in life and my memory of growing up. It seems that you are in fact well into self exploration, you have spoken of masturbation, pantyhose, wearing women's clothing, and the desire to be with a woman. Is it possible that you have become somewhat introverted in self fulfilment and that could be the cause of your thoughts of being asexual? I believe that you are in conflict with your thoughts about sex, attraction to the opposite sex, and intimacy. It seems you have a definite intamacy with yourself, you have a natural desire to be with a woman, but your attraction is not there to have sex because you have not broken out of your self intamacy or self exploration part of your life. There is certainly nothing odd about this. There is a strong connection between relationships, love, sex, intamacy, and sexuality. Perhaps these are some points you should explore and answer for yourself before you see a therapist, you might just find if you are in fact young that this could very well be a phase in life, or you just might not have reached a maturity level to make sense of for yourself. I hope some of the points I have brought up will be of help to you. Good luck!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Livia, I think you need to seek advice from a sex therapist.

[mechamoose]

You like what you like.. that includes not liking what you don't like.

I think that you are sharing that the 'desire' and 'hunger' part of body stuff doesn't interest you, but the emotional stuff does. As I have said many times, 'sex is easy, relationships are hard'.

You value relationships before anything else. That is ok.. really.

I'm no expert on this, but my standard boilerplate response still applies. Don't be sorry for being yourself. Figure out how it fits in your world.

- MM

[Beverley Sims]

Livia,
Mechamoose has one thought here but on the other side of the coin, consider seeing a therapist about your disposition.

[NicoleScott]

It doesn't seem to me that you are asexual. From your link, an asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. It doesn't say "to another person". You do experience sexual attraction, but it is directed to those items of feminine wear that excite you as you described. It's not that unusual for some of us who have sexual fetishes to use them for gratification without the complications of relationships. That doesn't mean we don't want intimate relationships with others. Many people have sexual insecurities, and confronting those insecurities can be avoided. The more we avoid them, the easier it is to keep avoiding them.
It can be a problem in a relationship with a partner who has expectations of a more active and "normal" sexual life.
It also sounds like part of your angst is over peer pressure to raise your sexual activity to a level you aren't comfortable with.

[Annaliese]

You should be and do what make you happy, don't let other push you into thing you don't want to do. Be your self and love your self first.

[Katey888]

Livia - I'd echo Bev's suggestion as well as Reine's (but I see you're already aware of AVEN..?) - find a general therapist/ counsellor to begin with....

It's more than possible there may be other things going on with you that are impact this aspect of your nature - try not to feel bad about it, you're still only young and most of us go through an awful lot of confusion and misunderstanding about sexuality and our feelings regarding what it means... :hugs:

Get a professional to talk to... Somehow - maybe obfuscate the real issue until you get in front of the pro so that your family supports you... :)

Katey x

[Alice Torn]

I can relate. I have had male organ shame all my life, and the one time i was with a woman that wanted sex, i froze up, for several reasons. No protection with me, and male organ shame, and religious values of sex only in marriage. I have also felt i am asexual at times because of unable to show any arousal when with a woman. Embarrassed of my male organs, and feel that male drive is predatory.

[Lorileah]

Just like being TG isn't a mental issue, your sexual proclivity isn't either (as long as it isn't illegal or endangering yourself or others). If you feel your fetishes are keeping you from a relationship, you may want to discuss that with a therapist. Many people are asexual or low libido, if this isn't due to a medical problem (thyroid, pituitary, any other organ) then it is what you are. As Nicole stated you are not asexual, you do have sexual feelings, you think of them and you can express them.

I think you are trying to make too much of this. The only thing that is important is are you happy? Does how you express yourself, sexually or otherwise, make you happy? It sounds like it doesn't. Trying to be what those around you say you should be can cause issues, mental and physical. Speaking to someone who can help with your depression and feelings of "abnormality" would be a good idea.

[Dana3]

I know a couple from work that have been married for twenty eight years. An odder two I would have trouble remembering? Mutual they're perfect for each other and go together like a custom made hand and glove!


I see men and women all of the time that manage to find and get together? And think to myself "Yep! Proof positive there's someone for everyone!"

During this day and time? With the internet? It's easier than ever in the history of mankind!

[Alice Torn]

A longtime advice line host, who is now in his eighties, with several children, lots of grandkids, and a few great grandkids, has said that sex was used as a weapon in his long time marriage, and he has not had sex with her, or anyone else for over 30 years, and his marriage has been far better, with less strife, without sex! He said his wife used it as a weapon, for strife. He is an unusual man, to abstain like that, but in some cases, a husband and wife become better friends with less, or no sex!

[PaulaQ]

@Ms. Livia - how old are you, hon? I ask only so that I might provide a more meaningful response.

[Barbara Dugan]

I have tried for a long time to figure out what's been wrong with me. As I grew up, I never developed sexual feelings for women, and I hesitate to spread this knowledge because people normally would normally assume I must be gay. This isn't true. It was a source of great pain growing up (and today) because I feared I was different

This sound very similar to my personal experience but oddly enough nobody assumed I was Gay not even myself, I couldn't feel attracted to either men or women. Only when I started dressing and set free a female personality , I could feel a sexual attraction towards men

I think is a good idea to see a therapist

[Jaymees22]

Dear MsLivia, I don't know much but it does sound like good advice to see a therapist. There are some that might accept sliding scale payment based on your income. good luck with this. Jaymee

P.S. MsLivia is 22 on her profile page.

[MsLivia]

I'm sorry for letting this thread go for a couple of days. I also have to apologize for putting too much information in the title post.

I feel kind of stupid every time I talk about this because I never feel like I know what I'm saying. But at the very least, I can give you a glimpse into how I think and feel. It's really the best I can do.

For the past two years, I have seen dressing up as a woman as a way to explore myself sexually. But after I climax, every time without fail, I just want to rip it all off and become "me" again. It ranges from light repulsion to complete embarrassment, sometimes up to a week. I even regret posting on this site. I feel so separate from it, I sometimes see it as another person acting these feelings out. I don't know what to make of it. I'm tired of being confused about myself and I'd love to know what's wrong. Why can't I accept that I like being a girl once in a while?

Not very long ago, my sister accidentally found out I was crossdressing. She knew I did it during childhood, but it had been literally a decade since it happened. As we conversed a bit, she told me, "I worry about your soul". I told her about my mixed feelings and, to paraphrase, she added that you can tell something's wrong when you have a heaviness in your heart. I have a lot of pent up anger and frustration with my sister, but that's a very different subject.


I think you are trying to make too much of this. The only thing that is important is are you happy? Does how you express yourself, sexually or otherwise, make you happy? It sounds like it doesn't.

You'd be right. I want to embrace the part of me that loves sexual pleasure, but there's too much guilt. I always, always hate myself afterwards. There's never been a time where I haven't. I feel the innate need to completely get rid of it, and I blast myself with a myriad list of reasons why. But then I want to embrace it as much as possible and integrate into my life as one. There is no peace.

And to answer everyone's question: yes, I am 22 years old.

[ReineD]

For the past two years, I have seen dressing up as a woman as a way to explore myself sexually. But after I climax, every time without fail, I just want to rip it all off and become "me" again.

The simple explanation is that it is fetish for you. The Cding may go deeper as well and you may or may not in the future dress for other reasons than sex, but for now, fetish is a large part of it. By fetish I mean that you are sexually aroused by the image of yourself as a woman. This is not perverted, it isn't "bad", it just is. This is what floats your boat. And since so much of your sexual energy is taken up by the CDing, it makes sense there wouldn't be much left for women and sexual release from the CDing would become a preferred outlet. This may be why you think that you are asexual?

And your guilt feelings come from having been socialized as a male, and told that it is wrong for men to be feminine or effeminate. You may also be feeling guilty over putting so much focus on a fetish instead of women, if part of your future dreams is to meet someone, marry, start a family, etc.

I don't want you or others in this forum to get insulted by this, but the situation is not unlike any young guy who gets into internet porn to such a degree that eventually he discovers that he has increasing performance issues with women. It's a vicious circle. The more difficult it is to be with women, the easier it is to just fall into the internet porn. There was a large study done in Italy in recent years involving 2,000 men under thirty. They found there was a significant number of men who had erectile dysfunction issues with women (30 years before this would normally happen), because of internet porn, which was not such an issue in the male population 10-15 years ago.

So your issue is not unheard of except with you, it's the CDing and not internet porn.

Articles on internet porn issues in younger men:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2051902/Men-use-internet-porn-likely-hopeless-bedroom.html
http://yourbrainonporn.com/too-much-internet-porn-may-cause-impotence2

If you want to stop the vicious circle of dressing and sexual release and you instead want to put your sexual focus into women, you might want to look up links about how to cure internet porn addictions, and follow the same principles.

This is just my :2c: so take it with a grain of salt.

[Tracii G]

One thing I see is you are 22 years old and never had the LOVE BUG bite you so you have no experience.
You could be confusing asexuality and inexperience.
Are you the type of person that goes out a lot with friends or did you grow up staying indoors and playing video games?
Believe it or not lack of interaction causes intimacy issues.
Another thing stands out to me you said your sister "worries about your soul".
Do you come from a very religious family? If that is the case thats where your guilt may be coming from. You have been conditioned to repress your desires and been told how you should act according to your gender.
Maybe your real gender is not a guy inside and you are struggling to try and make sense of your feelings.
Guilt over who you actually are inside is very powerful and you need to accept yourself as you are first once you accept that chances are the guilt will vanish.

[MsLivia]

Thank you, girls. These are wonderful responses.

Unfortunately, I grew up in an isolated household. I had no friends to hang out with other than at school, and I only had my video games for pleasure. The way I live now is no different, but possibly in three months, I will be transferring to a major college. I've had a tumultuous experience with community college due to instructors leaving and forcing me to switch to a horrible major, and hopefully getting back into an art program will fix that. My family, however, doesn't want me to leave my networking major because they think I won't be able to get a job with an art degree. I won't go into the deeper stuff, but if I'm successful in transferring to this college, it will be my first experience as a fully-responsible adult. I'm not specifically leaving because I want the "college life" experience, but again, living with my parents and never seeing anybody else is driving me mad. I just want the experience. I'm tired of being talked to and treated as a child.

Yes, my family is religious, but they're very morally broken and don't seem to act like it. My sister brings up religion every time this is mentioned. I am not aligned with any religions myself, and they're quick to tell me how "wrong" it is. When we left the theater showing of "Noah" one night, my sister asked me if I liked it. I said "it was okay". She responded with an angry "figures". She then started yelling at me in the car ride home and I had to get out. My sister is no person to go to for problems of any nature, mostly because she suffers from them herself and likes to think she knows more about them than me. Again, this is another subject, but I don't let anything like that hold me back from exploring.

I will consider seeing a sex therapist. Also, I'll check out those links about internet porn. It seems to relate to me a lot.

Would it be a good idea to slow down on crossdressing/masturbating so I can channel more of my attention to women?

[Andy66]

Ms. Livia, Im glad you found this site and asked questions. This site and AVEN are two really good places to find food for thought. I suggest you read alot, and you should gradually see things more clearly. But also take peoples opinions with a grain of salt.

[Alice Torn]

At 22, i was kicked out of the service, and force to move back with my dad, who did not like me, and i really sarted struggling with isolation, and masturbation right after my service time ended. I can relate, to the give in, feel horrible guilt and shame, swear i will never give in again, but within a week, give in again. It is a cycle. Reine and Tracii gave some good input and info! I know, that ISOLATION breeds addiction, and compulsions, and fetishes. Been there, done that, still doing it too much, at 60 and still single. I did not date until late 20's, and first girl i dated , had big problems and died of an overdose. After, that, i dated a lot in my 30's , almost all women far older than me, and i wanted to marry one, but she would not marry me because i was 12 yrs younger. I started CDing age 14, and like you, released after, and felt horrible guilt after, swore it off. I did not finally fully dress, until age 51, but still haaaaaaaaave guilt and shame, as i was bought up religious, and studied the Bible later in life, comitted to one, which forbids Cding. I know, that i have been very isolated with only friends 2000 miles away, and no Cd meetings near me, and too poor to travel to Chicago. You need other people in your life, and cut down on isolation. I would never masturbate, or dress up, with people around me. I did close the door and dress up, renting a room. Any addiction, compulsion or porn habit is fueled by isolation, laxk of human good interactions, and relationships. I made friends mainly of very eccentric, or unhealthy people most of my life. Always the "leftovers, and losers" of life. I still, at 60, and you, at 22, need healthy relationships, and less isolation. And, also, acceptance of our affliction, and that we are not the only ones with it.

[devida]

None of what you are saying, MsLivia, sounds like you really fit the definition of someone who is asexual. Most cross dressers will admit to going through a fetishistic period where dressing was very much an erotic act. You also experience guilt after you climax which many cross dressers also experienced, along with shame. Given the tremendous pressure by society for us to be gender appropriate in exquisitely finely defined ways (the length of men's shorts! the length of women's socks! vocabulary differences between men and women!), feeling when you dress you are acting inappropriately is quite normal. That you experience shame and guilt after you climax is also quite normal, given the conditioning of your religious background. You don't feel these emotions so intensely before you climax because you are excited. Once you hit the refractory period almost all men have after climax you are no longer excited and are unfortunately open to the afflictive emotions of guilt and shame. You can work through this if you like using kind of simple techniques of self acceptance and compassion. It does take some work but you will find there is a lot of help available. You have taken the first step by opening up here.

You can do this sooner or later. You could start just by using the refractory period as a time to calm down. Physiologically this is what is happening anyway. Try undressing slowly while telling yourself you really are quite normal and quite okay (for someone who is transgender). Practice smiling. Practice smiling at yourself in the mirror. These are really simple techniques that are curiously powerful. Ask cross dressers here about the power of smiling at yourself in a mirror! I've helped a number of friends and lovers who were having a hard time and beating themselves up by having them stand in front of a mirror, hug themselves and tell themselves with a smile that they love themselves. It is hard to do at first but it really feels so much better than beating yourself up.

I don't want to devalue the possibility you are asexual. You could be. But realize that being asexual may be just one of the sexualities that you are exploring just as you are exploring gender by cross dressing. It is also one that you can experience right now. Finding out if you are in actuality heterosexual, gay or something else may require a physical experience of sexual intimacy with another person (though not necessarily - most people do know before they have those first experiences). Since you are about to go out on your own to a major college you will have the opportunity to do this.

Also at college you can find counselors who are experienced with young people going through very much the same process you are going through. And, of course, a peer group of friends that you will develop who will also help you.

So hang in there. You will find out everything you want to know soon and you will also find out how to accept yourself exactly as you are, however you may define that. You are on the right path.

[Ezekiel]

Hello MsLivia and welcome.

I would like to say that you are not alone, because I am asexual too. So don't fear that. My case is quite severe. I never had sex with anyone, never masturbated, never felt the need for sexual pleasure. My crossdressing does not give me any sexual pleasure or arousal, I do it for other reasons such as expression and identity. I don't even have a female persona or name, I am always me.

Asexuality tends to make people think, or imply, that it means you can't have any kind of relationship if you don't have sex. However being asexual does not mean you are arromantic. You can be perfectly attracted romantically to women, men or both, and can indeed develop a relationship, without the need of being attracted to have sex with them. It will be, however, probably have to be with someone who is also asexual, or does not care much about sex at all and puts relationship above sexuality.

The links provided by Reine here are a good source of information about asexuality, and of course, a good place to meet people like you. You might not be asexual, but if you are, you are not alone, nor you are alone in the world of crossdressing in this planet, as you have me as a good example of an asexual crossdresser. There are others aswell, although we are few.

[flatlander_48]

M/L:

Glad you dropped in!! For whatever reason you, as the rest of us, have managed to stumble into this place. While you probably won't find much in the way of specific answers, what you will find is that our perspectives vary greatly. We come here by many different paths and I think that adds to the richness of the experience. We have just about every variation in the realm of crossdressing that you can imagine. We range from wearing an article or 2 but never leaving our homes to dressing as the opposite gender 24/7/365 to those who are transgender and are on the way or have completed SRS. We range from straight to bisexual to gay and asexual. We have people who started dressing at young ages to those who started at retirement age. We have people who are completely closeted to partially closeted to those who are out to family and friends. Whatever your true nature turns out to be, chances are that there will be someone here to whom you can relate.

There have been suggestions here about seeking professional counseling. Many universities offer mental health services as part of their health care package. That could be something to seek out. Many here have used professional help to better understand their situation, help navigate through family issues and try to move forward. Remember that the intersection of gender and sexuality is a very complex one. It isn't something that is going to unravel itself in a few weeks.