dreamer_2.0
05-07-2014, 10:28 PM
I've intentionally tried to limit my time on the internet lately but felt the need to post an update.
The gender therapist I started speaking with last summer has sadly moved on. We had a good relationship and I trusted her a lot. What can you do though? Her career isn't tied to my personal struggles. Well, I suppose it is to a certain extent. Some good has come from this though as I'm now seeing the therapist I wanted to before but couldn't as she was too busy. Apparently she is THE gender therapist in Winnipeg who does the various assessments for HRT and surgeries. She comes with a nice price tag too.
We've only had one session so far but it went quite well. That said, she mentioned the opinion of my previous therapist (they worked together and I approved them sharing my info between them) was that my mind was most definitely towards the female end of the gender spectrum. This is something I've always suspected but hearing it from a professional got me thinking; am I actually a woman inside? I've spent my life wanting to be one but have never felt I was one. I intend on asking for clarification at our next session (sadly not until the 22nd).
Laser is continuing. I've had 3 sessions (5 to go) and results are good on some parts of my face but poor on others (top lip for instance). I'm not too concerned yet as there are still several sessions to go and I went into this knowing it may or may not give desired results. My face didn't break out too badly after last weeks session which I'm thankful for. Not sure if that's because we are making progress or because I applied pure aloe vera juice straight from the plant afterward rather than store-bought gel that "contains aloe vera" (probably 0.4%). Regardless, I'm happy with the improvement and don't feel as much a need to hide my face from people.
My attitude towards myself and the universe still stinks. This is a huge challenge as thinking negatively (I say thinking realistically) has just been my way for so long. Depression and negativity are so deeply ingrained I don't know how to change my brain. My Effexor dosage was upped a couple months ago, no differences in how I feel though.
On the plus side, my self-pity skills have never been better.
I've been a daily smoker of a certain item for a couple years now but am trying (poorly) to cut back. For my latest attempt I've taken everything to a friend's place and left it there. Oh my god I'm going crazy without it! Lots of anxiety that I now feel unshielded from. Being left alone with your thoughts without a way to calm to dull them for a little while is...challenging.
Still to this day, aside from one support meeting I attended, I have yet to meet any other trans-women (that I've realized, at least). Fortunately that is going to change next week as I'll be meeting up with someone who has gone through the process in Winnipeg. I'm nervous and excited and have about a million questions.
Perhaps the biggest update is hormones. I haven't started yet but have had 2 appointments at the clinic. The first was discussing myself, medical history and my dysphoria. The second was blood work. I'm anxious to hear the results there as I don't live the healthiest lifestyle and am concerned it may affect my starting hormones. I'll likely have to wait until towards the end of the month to find out as I've got a third appointment, this time with the endocrinologist.
A lot is happening and is making my head spin. I feel so strange sitting in a doctor's office discussing such private details. I still feel embarrassed and ashamed by everything. Still running and denying. I'm still torn between wanting so badly to transition yet feel that, rationally, it is such a stupid idea...and yet the endocrinologist appointment at the end of the month couldn't come any sooner.
Oh and another small source of stress is that I really have to pick a damn name! "Dreamer" probably isn't appropriate.
*deep sigh*
My kingdom for a bong hit...
The gender therapist I started speaking with last summer has sadly moved on. We had a good relationship and I trusted her a lot. What can you do though? Her career isn't tied to my personal struggles. Well, I suppose it is to a certain extent. Some good has come from this though as I'm now seeing the therapist I wanted to before but couldn't as she was too busy. Apparently she is THE gender therapist in Winnipeg who does the various assessments for HRT and surgeries. She comes with a nice price tag too.
We've only had one session so far but it went quite well. That said, she mentioned the opinion of my previous therapist (they worked together and I approved them sharing my info between them) was that my mind was most definitely towards the female end of the gender spectrum. This is something I've always suspected but hearing it from a professional got me thinking; am I actually a woman inside? I've spent my life wanting to be one but have never felt I was one. I intend on asking for clarification at our next session (sadly not until the 22nd).
Laser is continuing. I've had 3 sessions (5 to go) and results are good on some parts of my face but poor on others (top lip for instance). I'm not too concerned yet as there are still several sessions to go and I went into this knowing it may or may not give desired results. My face didn't break out too badly after last weeks session which I'm thankful for. Not sure if that's because we are making progress or because I applied pure aloe vera juice straight from the plant afterward rather than store-bought gel that "contains aloe vera" (probably 0.4%). Regardless, I'm happy with the improvement and don't feel as much a need to hide my face from people.
My attitude towards myself and the universe still stinks. This is a huge challenge as thinking negatively (I say thinking realistically) has just been my way for so long. Depression and negativity are so deeply ingrained I don't know how to change my brain. My Effexor dosage was upped a couple months ago, no differences in how I feel though.
On the plus side, my self-pity skills have never been better.
I've been a daily smoker of a certain item for a couple years now but am trying (poorly) to cut back. For my latest attempt I've taken everything to a friend's place and left it there. Oh my god I'm going crazy without it! Lots of anxiety that I now feel unshielded from. Being left alone with your thoughts without a way to calm to dull them for a little while is...challenging.
Still to this day, aside from one support meeting I attended, I have yet to meet any other trans-women (that I've realized, at least). Fortunately that is going to change next week as I'll be meeting up with someone who has gone through the process in Winnipeg. I'm nervous and excited and have about a million questions.
Perhaps the biggest update is hormones. I haven't started yet but have had 2 appointments at the clinic. The first was discussing myself, medical history and my dysphoria. The second was blood work. I'm anxious to hear the results there as I don't live the healthiest lifestyle and am concerned it may affect my starting hormones. I'll likely have to wait until towards the end of the month to find out as I've got a third appointment, this time with the endocrinologist.
A lot is happening and is making my head spin. I feel so strange sitting in a doctor's office discussing such private details. I still feel embarrassed and ashamed by everything. Still running and denying. I'm still torn between wanting so badly to transition yet feel that, rationally, it is such a stupid idea...and yet the endocrinologist appointment at the end of the month couldn't come any sooner.
Oh and another small source of stress is that I really have to pick a damn name! "Dreamer" probably isn't appropriate.
*deep sigh*
My kingdom for a bong hit...