lesbian speed dating

[sandra-leigh]

Last night there was a Lesbian Speed Dating event here in Winnipeg that I went to. I dithered about whether to go or not. Was I ready to date? Was I ready to be a lesbian ? How much would the other lesbians reject me for being trans? Especially for being trans only part-way through transition?

Then there were medical issues interfering: my agoraphobia has been hitting me badly the last few days making it unpleasant for me to go anywhere and I sometimes need about 1 1/2 hours out before that clears up. One of the things that worsens agoraphobia is stress, anxiety about what I have to do.. like, oh, ... dating?

In making my decision to sign up and go, I figured that even if no dates came of it, that it would be good to get out and meet people so I was no longer a stranger to the community -- and maybe the word would even get out that I was available. Along the lines of "You've gotta start somewhere!" And fortunately my agoraphobia stayed at bay.

There ended up being 13 of us, each min-date 5 minutes. There was a mix of people there, with most of them being in their mid 20s. Everyone was at least polite to me, and all but one were pleasant. I only got a negative vibe off of one, who started by slouching in her chair not even really looking at me. Either because I was a not-passing-so-well trans or because I was so much older... trans seemed more plausible at the time. She did speak to me politely once we started.

It turned out that I was not the only transwoman there. One was someone I had already met several times at a workshop, further along than I am. She and I were the only people in the room wearing dresses. The other transwoman was someone I don't recall seeing before, a gal still "uncomfortable in her own skin".

Some of the women were still definitely beginning their life, and although likeable just not the right fit for a mid-life person like me.

I marked off 5 as Yes, with 2 of those being more questionable. I speculate I'll match one (a woman about my age); perhaps up to three.

I think I impressed most, but there is a difference between "impressed" and "someone I would want to date".

Anyhow... I tried it, I survived, I met people, it was a fun time. Let the networking begin :D

[AllieSF]

Congratulations Sandra. That took a lot of courage. I had a transitioning friend who also suffered for agoraphobia too. I actually never saw her suffer from it because she seemed to carry it or hide it so well. I do not know the recommended therapy for it, but I would guess that getting yourself out there to face it head on may be one way. In dating, to me, it does seem to boil down to a numbers game, some luck and one's own ability to learn from past mistakes. The more that one is out there interacting with all others the more chance they have to actually meet someone interesting. In the long run it becomes a lot of practicing, while in the short run we can learn and have some fun. We can also learn how to accept that terrible rejection from someone that we are interested in without letting it ruin our lives for the next few days or weeks. I.e. get right back in the saddle and keep meeting people. Please let us know if anyone from that experience makes a connection with you.

[sandra-leigh]

No notification about connections yet. I don't know if that means there weren't any made or if they just haven't gone out yet.

[Andy66]

That sounds like alot of fun. Good for you!

[JusRosCD49]

Congrats Sandra Leigh on getting out there again...

[sandra-leigh]

My form of agoraphobia is not a conscious fear. In some forms of depression, your brain sends out the same signal many times and reacts to all the responses, so all stimulus signals get magnified and confused. More is "happening" outside than indoors so the effect disturbs your brain more outside, sort of like being in the middle of a crowd of people and trying to track them all at the same time. Disorienting at the very least. Now at the same time your brain gets to know the outside is a problem, and when you start thinking about going outside, your brain starts saying, "Oh hold on now, remember what it was like last time! You Don't Want To Go Out. You're Not Feeling Good. You want to go back to bed and hide under a blanket."

You could perhaps practice getting yourself outside, but the difficulty is that until you quell the actual signal mix-ups, then the confusion really does start happening when you get outside. And your brain remembers that. It isn't a case of (say) worrying that there is an alligator in the yard, and getting over it by checking and repeatedly finding there is Nothing To Worry About: you go out and it's right there again. The "fear", the agoraphobia, is partly a survival mechanism, a mental Keep Out Of The Swamp sign...

[Frances]

I find it really interesting that you use the pronoun "you" throughout a medical explanation of something that afflicts you personally. It means something.

[sandra-leigh]

First note: the match results have not been sent out yet. So my not having heard doesn't (yet) mean that I didn't make any matches.

------

Interesting observation above, Frances.

For me it means that I am speaking "ex scientia" ("out of science"), describing the science behind something. I cannot personally observe the repeated-signals so writing about the mechanism as first-hand knowledge would not be appropriate. I can, though, discuss what my doctors have told me happens to some people and which evidence points to be happening in myself. Even the bit about anxiety about going out has been described to me by my doctors, and thus I can write about it as being part of the common experience rather than just what happens to me. Though it is true that the "hide under a blanket" is personal experience.

My personal experience of it would be something like, "I feel confused. I get a bad feeling in my stomach. I get the urge to go back to bed. I get a bit of a high-forehead headache. I start having trouble concentrating. I am aware of feeling bad, but my brain is not working well enough to think much about the causes. Don't go out, go hide. There's nothing outside being fixated on, no fear of anything particular, just... go snuggle down." The why of it happening requires the ex scientia description.

It took me several years to accept that I had agoraphobia; my doctor had been suggesting it, and I would always say, "Huh? That doesn't make any sense. I have no problem sitting on a crowded bus close enough that bodies are touching; I love going to festivals with lots of people." I wasn't understanding that "fear of crowds" is something else and that "fear" in the sense of "phobia" does not have to be conscious or purely psychological or unwarranted.

I do a lot of technical posting. Switching to the impersonal is automatic for me in describing something. Using (for example) "you will see" instead of "if someone were to do this then that person would see" is not only more compact but switches it to a more "active" mood. And writing imperatives in the hypothetical tense sucks. And people tend to decide to ignore the hypothetical imperative. "A person who wishes to work on the inside of such a device must first unplug the device" is a lot weaker than "[You must] Unplug before opening!"

[Frances]

I got what you were doing. It's just that some form of distanciation is quite common on this Website, which much of it is in service of fantasy by design. But more importantly, I see a lot of avoiding of first person language in this section of the forum, especially from people contemplating transition or in the middle of it. I see a lot of not taking responsibility for personal feelings and transfering culpability. Your post made me think of that, even if you were giving a scientific explanation, and removing your own experience on purpose.

Actually, I am far more interested in your personal experience of your phobia than any scientific explanation of it. The why rarely matters, as the experience varies from one the person to another, and this includes transsexuality as well. There is so much focus on etiology, when what really matters is intensity. It does not matter if you are too tall or, inversely, if you have an irregular karyotype. All that matters is intensity, what do you feel like and what do you need to do about it. This has nothing to do with this particular thread, however. The linguistic choice in your post made me think of it, is all.

[Cheryl123]

Congratulations Sandra. I think this is so exciting. I can understand, but not really know, how difficult it was for you to "get out there." And you summed up exactly the attitude I like to have in my new life: "I tried it, I survived, I met people, it was a fun time. Let the networking begin." Very well put and thanks for sharing. Your words encourage me a lot.

[sandra-leigh]

No matches for me :sad:

I do admit to being a bit disappointed, as in theory a "match" could just mean "let's have coffee and talk gardening". But you can't win the lottery without entering...

[IamSara]

You got out and met people is the important thing. Next hopefully it will be better and you will meet someone. I am so happy for you being able to get and not suffer with your disorder.

[Frances]

Meeting people is hard. I suffer from anxiety issues and have a hard time leaving my apartment. I joined a bunch of MeetUp groups and go to events and gatherings. I am not looking for anything in particular, only to meet other human beings and maybe make some friends. You could try that.