pressing forward

[GabbiSophia]

So A month has gone by since starting hrt. nope I didn't grow big boobs or get a rocking body either ... darn that would have made things easier!!... I have had some relief from the Gd but I realized yesterday that while I admit that I am trans, I have not accepted it. I may have started hrt but I haven't done anything else. I had a melt down this weekend my emotions and my GD kicked me in the large posterior. I had to talk my way through it with my wife because I just wasn't happy. That is when I realized I haven't done anything in 3 weeks to step out or be myself. I have engrossed myself in the former world trying to hide that I didn't even realize it. I am trying to take transition slow and take the steps to not blow up my life. ok ...I am trying to deal with my fears also which are the biggest issues. Though I had two moments in the last week in which I realized that I can not "get out" in the town I live in because the are is just to small and I am not ready to be outed.

So I faced the fact that I admit it to myself but now I have to find a way to except it. I hate all this and cuss it all the time, though the fact of the matter is that none of that has made it go away. How is it that even though you hate something so much you still take that plunge??? I may have had a taste this weekend of what it takes but I am still not there yet.

On a side note my tan is almost gone on my face and I am setting up my first laser appointment. I am going to do the full neck and face in one sitting. How long should I expect to lay there??

[becky77]

I had a little breakdown yesterday, I accept its gonna happen as its the most stressful thing I have ever done, also coinciding with a new job. However my little breakdown came from a week of working as a guy I'm just finding living the two worlds difficult.
However once I got myself in control I got ready and went out, all that disappeared again as I was able to be myself. A few hours later I'm out shopping In the nice sun feeling relaxed and good about myself, come Monday that will start to erode again.

If your going to transition you really need to push yourself to get out, all the over thinking makes things worse. You can't hide from this and the more you build it up the harder it will be.
It's scary at first but you will become immune to it at some point, and when that happens, you will start to feel the benefits.
For me its like all the noise in my head, the anxiety and insecurity disappears and I can just be normal. Enjoy my day feeling calm and relatively confident, something I have never felt in my life prior to transition.
Takes work and guts but its worth it.

My laser is 45 mins session full beard/kneck although that's the Soprano laser, I had no success with YAG or IPL. Also, Soprano is almost pain free felt more like a nice massage, that happened to pluck out the odd hair. (No plucking just felt like that).

[Cheryl123]

HI Steph. Try not to be too hard on yourself. When you first step out as a woman, the chances are that you will be "made" a lot because your presentation will not be polished. I'm in that position right now. I can understand that living in a small town can be difficult, but the longer you stay in a closet, the more angry you will get. But is there a compromise. Is there a larger city near by where you can drive too and practice walking about en fem? You will still be made, maybe a lot, but you might find that after a while, you cease to care. And use this in a positive way. You don't want to be made? Then work like hell on your presentation. Just keep working at it as it were the most important thing in your life.

You said something interesting about not excepting yourself as TG. It could be, and this is my case, that you will never have a perfect presentation. I accept that because I have learned to accept myself. I try to make an attractive appearance as possible, and hopefully I'm improving all the time, but if people don't like the way I look, that's their problem, not mine. I try not to give others, especially strangers, power of my life. I'm a woman who loves skirts. I feel at my best when I dress this way and I'm not going to stop simply because someone frowns at me. I've reached this point because I not only accept myself, I love being myself. I'm not going to give anyone the power to take that away from me.

Good luck, my dear. Take a small step each day and soon those steps will add up and become something big.

[Badtranny]

Transition is hard. Accept that and it gets easier.

You also need to accept that you will not be mistaken for a woman ever. You may pass beautifully someday in the future but don't count on it. You need to move forward very secure in the idea that you will always be seen as an obvious trans woman. You will find that most people will accept you as what you are, but some will never accept you as a genetic woman. This is the reality of transition. Anyone who disagrees is either deluded or exceptional and most of us are not exceptional.

When I went away for my first round of FFS, I thought I would come back completely changed. I didn't. I came back looking like an identical twin sister. Passing was rare even though I had huge breast implants. I was no longer viewed as a man, but I was definitely pegged as a tranny. Fortunately for me, I was okay with that, because though it was disappointing, it was still an improvement. Will YOU be okay with being identified as a transgender woman every where you go? Every day?

That's what transition means. ...transition is hard.

[KellyJameson]

Gender is a paradoxical experience. To know it we must experience it and to experience it we must make it a physical manifestation.

The identity and the physical must become one or the identity is unlived to the degree that it is not manifested.

For most transsexuals this places them between a rock and a hard place.

I have a post-op friend that works at Home Depot and is clearly identified by others as transsexual.

She is comfortable in her own skin even though she carries her history on her face and no amount of hormones or surgery will ever change that.

It is what it is but she has only experienced respect and kindness at her work.

Has she escape ignorance and cruelty completely. No, of course not but nobody does regardless of who they are.

The world can be an ugly place to live in but it becomes far more ugly when you let it poison your own soul.

In my opinion it is vital to be realistic about what you can accomplish or you will stay in misery.

Be the best you can be and accept the rest.

Being a woman has far more to do with what is on the inside than it does on the outside anyway.

Most people can change the outside enough to allow the inner beauty to shine through.

[GabbiSophia]

Melissa it is funny you stated it that way because i thought that once i started hormones it would allow me to except all this way easier. I am not that worried about being made because i am 6 6 and i will never pass as a gg. It is a scary thought to step out just because it is change and it is permanent if i am outed. I hope to get my life together enough were it no longer matters if i am outed. I do think it sucks we can't just be seen as female but hey that's the breaks.

[Angela Campbell]

HRT, ffs, ba, all good, but that doesn't make it easy or pain free. What works? Going out being the girl, doing stuff, being seen, talking to folks out there.

Hard to do? Yep. But it is the only way . You have to get out and get used to it. Takes time. I can still remember how scary it used to be. It gets to be nothing after a while.

I rarely get clocked anymore, but when it happens I can usually tell because the reaction is almost always a smile. When I started going out I looked awful.Too much mmakeup, wrong clothes and hair, bad mannerisms. Lookingback.....yuchh. but time and eeffort.

[Starling]

I'm sure I don't pass in public under the least scrutiny, but in my admittedly limited experience, the comfort and confidence I get from being myself out in the world inoculates me against any frowns I may attract. Most people don't pay enough attention to notice you are a woman in training, and the few that do seldom care. In a civilized setting, at least, the tiny minority that can't control their amusement/hatred will be isolated and shunned. I've seen it happen, as the hater looks at the floor and pretends he never said nuthin'. Like doing jury duty, it restores your faith in humanity.

The greatest difficulty you will face is closer to home, and a supportive wife is indeed a great help. That may change, though. I counted on my wife's acceptance, only to lose it completely when I told her I needed to transition. I wasn't prepared for that, and it really threw me for a loop.

:) Lallie

[GabbiSophia]

I am lucky that my my wife understands that i am going to transition. We also make no bones that one day we may want something that the other can not give. The home life is ok actually it is great between the two of us unless my meds have wore off then i am a tirant.. One day closer to trying to except .. not sure i gained ground but i am tying

[Michelle.M]

You also need to accept that you will not be mistaken for a woman ever.

I don’t know if that’s helpful. I mean, I know some trans women who never get read (but of course, I know many more who get clocked all the time).

On the one hand we do a disservice if we perpetuate the notion that transition will eventually make a person beautiful and sexy, but on the other hand it’s also misleading (even if it is more realistic) to say that nobody passes or that nobody is ever mistaken for a woman. Passing well happens all the time, just not to everyone.


This is the reality of transition. Anyone who disagrees is either deluded or exceptional and most of us are not exceptional.

Anyone who is even a little bit aware knows how they are perceived by others. If they are perceived as a genuine woman and they know it that’s not delusional. They are just fortunate. And some are exceptional.

Keeping this item near the top of the list is good, as it keeps people from having unrealistic expectations and false hope. But telling people that they’ll never pass tips the scale toward hopelessness, and I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone. My hat’s off to those who accept the likelihood of never passing and transition anyway, but my wish is that they can find a smidgen of hope to go along with that as they head toward the future.

[danielleb]

Where you're at right now, the most important thing for me at that time (well and pretty much in my life since it's lacking) is to have a support network of some kind. Getting to know other trans people face to face is really vital to trying to figure out how you're going to fit into the world once you "out" yourself. It will also afford you a little time to build your confidence before you come out everyday. Whether it's a support group or just a social meetup group you have to work to find yourself. :)

[GabbiSophia]

Michelle i actually had no problem with Melissa comment.. the fact of the matter is that i can hope for whatever but it is better to press into the realty..with that said it still isn't any easier. I am tired and i mean really tired of the ups and downs of the emotions. Those make it so hard to function . I wish there was a balance point but i know only time will show that one. I still hate all this.....

[Badtranny]

On the one hand we do a disservice if we perpetuate the notion that transition will eventually make a person beautiful and sexy, but on the other hand it’s also misleading (even if it is more realistic) to say that nobody passes or that nobody is ever mistaken for a woman. Passing well happens all the time, just not to everyone.

Well of course you're right MM, but you might be missing the point. On the other hand you could just be setting me up for this post. ;-)

I myself have reached a point where I pass under close scrutiny, (as long as you don't do a Katherine check at my under carriage) but I know I am genetically gifted. I have small hands and wrists and a reasonably feminine voice, skin and hair. With these gifts I've also had to have quite a bit of feminizing surgery on my face and body. After 2 solid years of transition, I am finally beginning to experience full immersion, but what if I wasn't so lucky? What if I was bulkier, or even more masculine than I was? What if I wasn't able to have the roughly 2 dozen surgical procedures? My first year was brutal and that's with all of my advantages along with an outsized confidence and the near supernatural sense of laissez faire that I was cursed with.

I know that I am lucky but I also know that I was committed to transition no matter what and I was fully prepared to be branded as an "other" for the rest of my life. It is not what I wanted, but I was prepared for that eventuality.

People who embark on their transition without taking ownership of that idea are doing themselves a disservice. I'm telling you that I am blessed and it STILL wasn't easy. That first year was especially agonizing. My point is if you are basing ANY part of your transition decision on the idea that you will effortlessly pass as a woman and it'll be your little secret, then you are simply not being realistic. MM is right, it IS possible and there are some of us who end up okay. Most of the girls I meet however are not so lucky. Of those girls, most of them are pretty well grounded and know the score, but there have been a couple of heartbreaking stories that I'd rather not get into.

Transition is hard in the best of circumstances and it's okay to go into the fight expecting to win, just remember that you also have to expect to fight.

[Michelle.M]

Well of course you're right MM, but you might be missing the point. On the other hand you could just be setting me up for this post. ;-)

If I set you up I’m glad I did, because I love the way you clarified this. I couldn’t agree more.


. . . I pass under close scrutiny, (as long as you don't do a Katherine check at my under carriage)

OMG, that is priceless! [in before the lock!]

[Nicole Erin]

I myself have reached a point where I pass under close scrutiny, (as long as you don't do a Katherine check at my under carriage) but I know I am genetically gifted.

Hmm, so most of us will never pass yet you are gifted and pass under close scrutiny. We always have at least one "trannier than thou" person around here. Interesting, I never thought it would be you, Melissa. Why? Because I thought you were better than that.
If it helps - once women of any type reach their late 30's, people do not care what we look like anyways.

With people knowing - Yes that is true. On the other side of that coin - the only people who are going to be rude or have problems with it are not the type of people we would want in our lives anyways.

[Badtranny]

Yikes Nicole, is THAT what you got out of my post? Trannier than thou?

I'm a non-op, drag queen loving, eunuch, who identifies way more with the Queer community than I do with the T-bitches. I think I'm the LAST person that would ever claim to be trannier than thou.

My description of myself is accurate as is my many prior descriptions of transitioning in my extremely conservative profession. It has been rough and I have had to walk into rooms that I would rather not have walked into. Yes, I have small hands and a convincingly feminine presentation, but I'm not boasting about my awesomeness, I'm trying to illustrate that even though I have surgically removed most of my 'tells' (except for the pickle) my transition was STILL an uber bitch. What I'm saying to someone who is considering it is to hear my words and know that I have been to the table THREE times for dozens of procedures only to look like a 'handsome' woman who has yet to find a man for anything other than sex. Yes I pass, but people are not terribly surprised when they find out my history. My shoulders are still a little too wide, my back a little too broad, my face a little too big, and I'm one of the LUCKY ones right?

I'm not trannier than thou or anyone. I'm just another tranny who had some precious few genetic advantages, but mostly I had a 401k (HAD is the operative word) that allowed me to mitigate most of my other masculine traits. ...and yet, I still had to be a rugged bitch to deal with those first couple of years. That's the point. Look at my story and know that it's rare. Transitioners need to be prepared for a Sisyphean struggle that may never end. They need to know that they may very well NEVER pass and if that is the case, would they transition anyway?

[Christina Sevilla]

Badtranny, i haven't seen any of your pics (if you have them posted), but based on your profile pic i do find you pretty. Just had to give you a compliment.

[PaulaQ]

How is it that even though you hate something so much you still take that plunge??? I may have had a taste this weekend of what it takes but I am still not there yet.

Do I hate being trans? I dunno - but I'd rather have cancer instead, to be honest. Still, you have to look at your alternatives. In my case, staying a man would've meant that I eventually committed suicide. I tried once - and had I not started HRT last year, there's little doubt in my mind that I'd be dead now. I didn't expect that I'd survive last year.

So life still sounds better than death to me. And so far, it has been. There are a lot of things about transition I don't like so far - this is not a physically or emotionally comfortable process, and often we'll lose a lot of things we care about in the process. I really don't like how many people treat us. However, it is what it is.

I will say that I feel quite a lot better now than I did at this time last year - it really does get better. I feel like I'm actually living my life for the first time - not just playing a role that I think everyone expects of me. That feels great, even if it's not the happiest life ever.

Nobody but you can really tell you whether or not this will be "worth it." How miserable are you? Do you have any prospects post transition that are even remotely tenable, and not completely a hellish nightmare? Will transition really reduce your misery? Is it all worth it?

Nobody but you can really answer these questions, and honestly, you can only answer some of them by trying. Just be forewarned that the tradeoffs are often incredibly harsh, but can also be incredibly rewarding. (At least if feeling kind of "normal" is a reward.)

[becky77]

Hi PaulaQ

That sounds so bleak when read like that. However it is the truth, how can you explain transition to anyone other than us? I have tried and friends just accept it but there is no true understanding, it's like a mystery.
"Why would you do that to yourself?" And the answer is pretty much what you said, when you reach such a low that suicide feels like an option, there is only one path to try. It's such a shame that so many of us must face near on mental break down, before taking this often lonely road.
I think what a lot of people fail to realise, is that transition isn't the start of our mental battles, at least for me it's been my entire life. Transition is when I said, ok enough is enough, I can't keep living this hell and I can't keep bitching about how impossibly hard it will be to live as a woman, when I haven't even tried it.
Maybe people will snigger behind my back for the rest of my life and just see a tranny, but at least they see a happy tranny. Rather than the miserable, shell of guy that had such pitiful low self esteem and confidence his life was kept in the present, not wanting to remember the miserable past and not interested in the horrid future. Now my future is optimistic. It's so hard to explain that despite the massive hurdles ahead, I feel capable of tackling them because I feel right inside.


As an addition your part about having cancer. All the wishing in the world won't change what we are, I think that was the biggest thing I took from therapy, accepting what I was and that it didn't make me a freak. Once I dealt with that and stopped being angry at the injustice of it all, I was able to move on. I try my best to put aside the things I can't change and concentrate on what I can. I believe from this point of view I have a more positive outlook which at the end of the day you either have or not. If you are naturally negative of thinking it's even harder to cope with.

[GabbiSophia]

I agree with you Becky on the mental break down. I wasn't suicidal but i was crack mentally so bad that I was miserable everyday. It wasn't until I started hormones did I realize how bad I was. Now when my patch wears off i know the crap i am feeling is a lack of estrogen and it's time to change the patch. I just haven't come out yet or started a public transition.

[Kathryn Martin]

I always check the undercarriage, who wouldn't? (leaving out the crudities) And I am Kathryn.... without the i and the e..... And yes you are genetically gifted with enhancements and luckily so am I. And as you say it is still hard but gets better every day. Transitioning in place is a tough business and not for the faint of heart. If you have any fears and doubts that rule you, better not try.

[Dianne S]

On a side note my tan is almost gone on my face and I am setting up my first laser appointment. I am going to do the full neck and face in one sitting. How long should I expect to lay there??

My technician covers my full face and neck in about 25 minutes. It's an IPL machine which seems to work for me (light skin and very coarse, dark hair) but YMMV.

I've yet to start HRT. I should be getting an appointment in a few days to at least start on spironolactone and can't wait.

[GabbiSophia]

my laser lady said that no white blonde or gray.... she has been doing it for 28 years

[tina99]

Actually, no, I like being a transwoman.

I've never hated being trans. Life would have been simpler if I had just been born the right sex in the first place, or been a happy, macho guy, but for me, being a transwoman is the next best thing.

I've known I was TS since I was 9 years old. I found some girls clothes in the attic, put them on, and thought to myself, "Oh, this is who I'm supposed to be :) ." Then, almost every night before going to sleep, I thought to myself, "If I woke up a girl, I would not be disappointed."

I've been really lucky in my transition :thumbsup: . I've noticed that many Asian transwomen and crossdressers are petite and slender, don't have strong masculine features, are very polite, and can just about put on lipstick and a wig, change their voice, and be accepted as female. I used to wish I was 6'6" (198 cm) like my brother, but now I'm glad I'm not.

Although I'm not Asian, that's been how much of my transition has been. I went full time in Seattle 12 years ago, before I even started hormones or counseling.

Once, several years ago, a friend overheard me tell someone else that I was TS. He said, "You're transsexual? But you're so normal !!!" ( I thought to myself, "Sorry, but I'm not a Jerry Springer girl :D )."

Another time, when I was riding the train, a guy I'd never met before sat down next to me and started talking to me. He seemed like a nice guy, and he evidently thought that he could trust me. Now, guys don't do this every day, but he started talking about an operation he'd recently had related to his sex organs. I was very surprised, although I knew that some people were comfortable sharing their deepest, darkest secrets with me. Then I told him that I was transsexual, and he said, "You are ? . If you hadn't told me, I never would have known !!!"

While in my 40's, I went to a TG support group in Seattle for a year or so, and decided that it was time to go full time. I've never been married, so I didn't have that to deal with. I had wanted to transition for many years, but couldn't for the reasons below.

I couldn't have transitioned before then, because I would have been evicted, and I knew that the company I worked for did not like transpeople. In Seattle, and now the rest of the state, they have LGBT non-discrimination laws, so my landlord couldn't evict me. I have been on medical disability for several years now, but it doesn't prevent me from getting around. I even lived in and near Guadalajara, Mexico for a year and a half while on disability.

I have a white beard, so as long as I shave twice a week, it's not a problem. I'm getting electrolysis now.

After I discovered my female voice (on a 3 hour drive I tried several different sounds, and discovered a range that worked for me), I bought a long blond wig, some lipstick, and went out on the town.

I got a lot of male attention, although less after I switched to a brown wig. I don't wear wigs anymore, since I've grown my hair out.

I almost always get called ma'am in public. I still get called "sir" on the phone some of the time, so I need to do some more work on my voice. I've found some good voice training videos on Youtube.

I haven't had any surgeries yet, but am scheduled for an intake for SRS with Dr. Toby Meltzer in Arizona in August. Medi-Cal (Medicaid) is paying for it.

After I finish my little vacation here in the states for my SRS, I'm planning to move back to Latin America - permanently - probably to Panama or Costa Rica, because Mexico has doubled their income requirement for a resident visa, so now I don't have enough income to move back there.