got assaulted by my ex's brother

[Billiejosehine]

I was told by many that the road of transition will not be easy and I have already experienced a lot of issues to me comming out to people being transgendered. While there has been a great deal of support, there has been a great deal hostility and non acceptance from my ex and her family. Like on Friday, it was my day to visit my children at my ex's house, not the best idea, but I was trying to work with her. But being the controlling person, she was making demands that I refused to follow. Well what soon followed was her mother grabbing my face and saying something in Spanish, but quicky left after I told her to be quite and back off.

Short time later her brother showed up and started getting in my face, making comments about how I wear boots, dye my hair and how it looks a lot nicer then any other girl at his work, how I wear women's clothes, and that I don't deserve and should not be allowed to see my kids. He believes he has every right to make such a statement because my kids are his family and what I'm doing is wrong and they don't need to be exposed to the things I do or who I am.

He was trying to provoke me into fighting him, but I refused. So he process to call me names, how I'm weak, what I was going to do about him being in my face, and how manly it was to put my hands on my hips. He was seeing this was going nowhere and told my ex to take the kids and leave so he can take care of business and at that moment I tried getting by him. He instantly threw me to the ground, warped his harm around my neck and started chocking me (I almost passed out), and telling my ex to call the cops. A short time later the cops came and told me put my hands behind my back, asked if I had weapons, patted me down, told me to sit on the curb with my legs crossed, treated me like I was the problem and they would testify for my ex if asked. It was so humiliating to sit out on the street and see the neighbors come out and look at me.

Even though I did nothing wrong, my ex's brother was the one to assault me (my glasses got damaged and I have bruises on my legs), I was the one who got in trouble with the police as if I have no rights being the father. So on Monday I scheduling a court date Thor custody, filing assult charges, and get this situation resolved. Until then I'm no longer allowed over to the house , nor am I allowed to call to talk to my children.

[Bonnie J]

Wow...double wow. I do hope this somehow gets some sort of resolution! It look like it will take awhile to come to some sort of agreement that is fair to all. Divorces are ugly and painful. I wish you the best of luck.

[Katey888]

I'm so sorry to hear that, BillieJo - although nothing was really predictable here I think you've tried very hard to be reasonable but now there's no way that reasonableness is going to be reciprocated.

This may sound severe, but for the moment you have think of yourself, your security and your legal position in all of this, and for you and you only. The interests of your children and your future relationship with them (if there is to be one) will be best served by looking after yourself first.

The best legal advice, the best representation you can get and be sure and take the advice that's given, however harsh it may seem - it shoud be in your best interests.

I'm sure there'll be other members here who can offer better local legal insights than me on your best course of action - but I continue to wish you well and hope that you're feeling better after that - it's a horrible, traumatic thing to go through when you've tried to do the right thing throughout this.

:hugs:

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Billie Jo, Make sure to keep a log write everything down dates and time it is very important.
I wish you all the best in this journey.

[Eryn]

I hope that you've got a lawyer in on this too. If you have visitation your ex bears some responsibility for allowing a situation to exist where you were likely to be assaulted. That needs to be addressed.

The authorities are mostly concerned with stabilizing a domestic violence situation at minimum danger to themselves. Unfortunately, from their point of view you were the weakest person present so the easiest to subdue. The court will sort it out eventually, which is why you need a lawyer on your side.

[PaulaQ]

Get a lawyer. A really good lawyer. Sue your ex, sue your brother-in-law, sue the cops. Contact Lambda Legal, in your area - they can help.

[mechamoose]

The common legal term for what you need now is 'restraining order'.

Don't let ANYONE get between you and your kids. They will sort out the 'odd stuff' when they are of age. Right now, you are the ONLY other person with full legal rights to your kids other than Mom.

Don't get bullied out of that 'protected' space, hon. Those are YOUR kids.

- MM

[Farrah]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Its just not fair that they're keeping you from your children. I'm wishing you all the best. I hope you get talk to/see you children real soon! :koc:

[Tami Monroe]

I'm sorry to hear you went through this. This is the kind of thing I am hearing more commonly by men in divorce/custody situations, regardless of CDing or not. It is also becoming more common for the cops to overstep their bounds before getting the full picture. What your ex's brother needs is the assault charges for sure, and a formal complaint filed against the cops.

[samantha rogers]

Wow, BillieJo, I am so sad to hear this and my heart breaks for you having to go through this. I echo what the rest of the girls have said. Get good legal help and nail that brothers hide to the wall.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

This is so heartbreaking to hear BillieJo, I am sorry for your situation. The police can be thugs sometimes and it sounds like they were in this case if they said they would only testify for your ex's brother. They will also lie about what the legal actions may be to scare you off, it's an old tactic of crooked cops. Best if you can document the bruises and damage to your eyeglasses. Next time go to a hospital and get it documented if possible. You will need a lawyer to deal with this and sooner is better than later. I suggest contacting a local LGBT support group and see if they have a legal rep to help you, they may have a volunteer lawyer. You do want to get a legal restraining order if possible to keep that a'hole ex-brother in law away from you and your kids. Even if you don't think he will stay away you need to go through the legal steps when these things happen.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you,
Hugs,
Stephanie

[Taylor Ray]

I am very sorry about the severity of your situation. I echo the advice given in this thread: be very careful how you play your cards moving forward. Many of my clients get involved with DHS and the courts, and it is not a fair game. My advice: step back for a few weeks and use your intelligence to devise an appropriate strategy. The legal system will not always help you. Strive to maintain your privacy and your parental rights. Do not get pulled any further into their "game".

[Tami Monroe]

The police can be thugs sometimes and it sounds like they were in this case if they said they would only testify for your ex's brother. They will also lie about what the legal actions may be to scare you off, it's an old tactic of crooked cops. I am seeing stories almost daily, about police abuses of power, up to, and including, shooting people, seemingly indiscriminately. There are also stories of cops (it seems almost weekly) of raiding a house that turned out to be the wrong address, and the family pet was killed, or some other atrocity. Almost invariably, it seemed the police and/or the city wanted to try and seperate themsleves from responsibility of being liable for these mistakes. I should not be talking about this on this forum, but it is something I am very passionate about.

[giuseppina]

Hello Billiejosehine

I am saddened to hear of your trials. What happened to you borders on assault, if it doesn't actually meet the test in law.

I agree with the others that you need a barrister/solicitor. I will go a bit further suggesting someone or a firm that specialises in domestic violence cases. It seems to me this calls for a no-contact restraining order or the local equivalent against your ex's family and supervised (by a licensed social worker or the equivalent) access to your children for them. They may not have the vocabulary to express it, but they know exactly what is going on. IMHO, the antics of your ex's family is child abuse even if they are not directly involved.

If your doctor will see you quickly, before the bruising is anywhere close to disappearing, that is a good way to document the assault if the cops won't do it.

It sounds to me your ex-brother-in-law should be compelled by a court of law to shell out to fix/replace your eyewear, but this type of person rarely admits to anything like this unless they are convicted in a court of law, and even then, there are no guarantees. I know eyeglasses aren't inexpensive, mine are bifocals.

I wouldn't go back there without a witness or, failing that, a hidden recording device on my body. If the witness has to be a lawyer or social worker, so be it.

Notification of Children's Aid or whatever the agency charged with that responsibility is an option. The environment provided by your ex's family is clearly not in their best interests.

We only have your side of the story, but there is no excuse for this kind of behavior, and especially not from those charged with the professional obligation of stopping it when it occurs without relying on stereotypes regarding the likely instigator. :Angry3:

[Tracii G]

If you have the bruises to prove it and he as no signs of bodily harm I think that works in your favor.Take pics of any harm to yourself.
I'm surprised they didn't haul him off too.
My guess any witnesses weren't on your side.

[mykell]

hey billiejoe, fortunately you have documented things here and they will count,
i might suggest you set up some type of video in your car any time you do see the children or your ex,
(spy vs spy) scenario sucks but may prove to be a necessity,
if it happens again outside proof will be available, sometimes law enforcement is tainted.
remember they (your children) will know the truth in the end, unfortunately it will take time for the results,
please continue to be brave and do take the advise for legal counsel,
I wish you the best, you have done nothing wrong accepting to be true to yourself....

[giuseppina]

That's a good idea, Tracii, but seeing a doctor about it has a lot more evidentiary value in a court of law when the police are biased or indifferent.

Chances are an expert can put a time frame on a bruise based on the appearance and the likely cause as well. If their professional opinion corroborates the patient's story, so much the better.

[Marcelle]

Hi Billiejo,

I guess my question is . . . do you have a lawyer? If not, get one fast as this could spiral out of control real fast without someone looking after you legal interests. As much as it might be hard, I would back off contact with your ex and children until you get proper legal counsel to spell out your rights when it comes to your children. Once those rights are established, then you ex (and her family) have to comply or I would assume they are in breach. When seeing your children I would not agree to go to your ex's house if family is going to be an issue. Hammer out an agreement that you either pick-up or see your children in a public venue and drop off at that same venue and always have a witness to avoid such confrontations again.

Not sure how things work down in the US but, I am surprised that you were the only one who was technically detained and treated as the assailant. Normally police try to mediate domestic issues and only arrest/detain if someone is a threat. I would get your lawyer on this one as well. Best thing is to let your legal counsel deal with this. Obviously your ex's brother is a bit of a wild card so I would avoid at all costs and like others have said document everything.

Hugs and good luck

Isha

[Annaliese]

I am sorry for what you are going through, but don't let this stop you from, being your self, hugs

[donnalee]

Do not hesitate; get in touch with an attorney who works with transgender folks and or someone like John Burris in Oakland who has made a very good living for years out of suing police departments for abuses. Your brother-in-law committed assault and battery on your person and it seems he and the cops violated a court order as well if you have filed for divorce. File charges and sue, this is the best way to protect yourself and your children.
Incidentally, does your BiL like beating up on girls? There may be some domestic abuse charges in his past; checking might be worthwhile.

For the information of those outside of the SF Bay Area, Vallejo is a small city in the NE corner. It was a Navy town before Clinton closed the local Mare Island Naval Base 20 years ago, has been in economic trouble since, and several years ago went bankrupt and had to reduce the size of both Police and Fire Depts. Those left have seniority, which makes an earlier prejudice more likely. The other factors is that those employees who can leave have a big incentive to do so and are generally the younger, better informed ones. It is also that your MiL was the complaining party, likely exaggerated the situation in her and her son's favor, and the dispatcher may have had a distorted view and reported a "domestic disturbance" call from an older woman.
For those outside the US, although the desires and motivations of legal systems are pretty near universal, the procedures differ widely, as do rights under the law.

[Billiejosehine]

It's time to get my ducks in a row and use the same system my ex is trying use against me. She also knows the system since she is a licensed social worker. I have talked to a couple lawyers so it's a matter of going with one. Especially with issues at my job, my marriage, now the issue with the brother and police. When it rains it pours and I often think what it would be like if I Just kept my true self hidden even if my life was miserable and I was unhappy. But then I realize that it's society's way of trying to stop me and put me in he place they think I need to be. This road has not been easy, but I still try to remain positive. Thank you got all the great advice. I'm also considering calling the transgender law center again. I had called before, but where not able to help. Maybe with everything else that's going on they will help.

[mechamoose]

My ex-wife had a BIG chip on her shoulder because I am Wiccan. She made my daughter (then 12) return books that I gave her because she wanted to understand where I was coming from better.. "Inappropriate" she said. It didn't fit with her religious view at all, and considered it 'sinful'.

But MA laws protected religious expression in children's matters. She had no right to deny my teaching our child about that.

I could have just backed off, but I didn't (big surprise, right?).

You have RIGHTS. You are a parent and you have EVERY right to be yourself without sacrificing that. You dress like a woman?? BFD. Those are still your kids. They will adjust and accept you when they are old enough to be independent, sparkly heels and all. Honest.

Protect your cubs, hon!

(BTW, my daughter now identifies as Pagan, much to Mom's chagrin)

<3

- MM

[5150 Girl]

Well, as per the cops reaction, I have a felling your ex most likely lied to them and said you were assaulting her, her mother, and that the brother was simply restraining you so you could do no further harm to them.
In domestic cases the one with "the junk down below" is always presumed guilty until proven innocent. It's not fair, but that's how it is.

[SandraV]

I am so sorry you are going trhough this. My hearth goes out to you. Best of luck

[sometimes_miss]

I almost came to tears as I read the first post, as if all my fears had come crashing down on YOUR head, Billie. After all, we get told constantly here, by an awful lot of people, that 'all we have to fear is fear itself'. And yet, here's an exact example of what a lot are afraid of; a bunch of other people ganging up against us, being physically assaulted, then winding up in legal action which may or may not go in our favor, and in the meantime potentially taking our kids from us, for no other reason than that we crossdress. IT IS NOT A CROSSDRESSER FRIENDLY WORLD.
Billie I wish you the best of luck. You're going to need it. I really wish everything would magically work out ok, but on the contrary, it sounds like a lot of time in court in the future.

[giuseppina]

Well, that complicates things, Billijo.

A clever barrister should be able to destroy her credibility on LGBT issues with well placed but not leading questions. Same with any expert witnesses she hires. One obvious point is ability to parent is much more important than LGBT status to anyone without an axe to grind. A good barrister will demand proof of any claims to the contrary; I would think an unbiased psychiatrist's expert opinion trumps that of a social worker.

She can't act as her own expert witness because that is a clear and obvious conflict of interest. Any judge worth having will see that immediately. If s/he doesn't, your barrister will point this out and request disqualification on grounds of conflict of interest as an expert witness for your case. That might get her dander up, which is to your advantage.

Barristers are under no obligation to tell the truth, as witnesses are. They can question witnesses as they see fit. They can accuse her things like instructing your brother to to assault you. They can demand proof of any and all of your alleged transgressions. They cannot, however, badger the witness. Eliciting admissions of things the witness did is not normally considered badgering.

[Billiejosehine]

So it look like her latest tatic is filing a restraining order against me; in which I have to show up to a hearing tommorrow morning. She's trying to do everything in her power to win and honestly i see no way of winning. I'm going to file counter, but that may not be enough. Things don't look good for me and I'm going to have to defend myself from a vindictive person bent on destroying me. I feel I may loose my kids over this and loose my rights as a parent. All because I came out to her as transgendered amount many other issues she had with me.

[giuseppina]

Looks like you'll have to fight fire with fire, Billiejo. It goes against the grain for me, and it may for you, but that's the way it looks to me.

[ReineD]

Things don't look good for me and I'm going to have to defend myself from a vindictive person bent on destroying me. I feel I may loose my kids over this and loose my rights as a parent. All because I came out to her as transgendered amount many other issues she had with me.

This is important, so please listen.

You need to stop victimizing yourself and take action NOW before it is too late. This means GET A LAWYER ASAP.

Below is a PDF document from the nclrights.org website, a quick fact sheet about Transgender Family Law in California.

http://www.nclrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Transgender_Family_Law_CA.pdf


Go to page 3, question 2:


"Will I be able to have custody of my child if my spouse/partner and I separate?

A transgender person should not be denied custody or visitation simply because of his or her gender identity or expression. However, many courts are unfamiliar with transgender parents. It is very important to advocate for your rights as a parent from the start. Once there is a court order denying or putting restrictions on custody or visitation, it can be very difficult to change later."

This should be your very top priority right now. Get a lawyer ASAP and find out how you can advocate for your rights before it is too late.

Next is a document from the ACLU that tells you exactly what you need to do from a legal point of view. It is long, but well worth a read if you value your right to have an unfettered relationship with your children.

http://www.aclu.org/files/assets/aclu-tg_parenting_guide.pdf

I cannot emphasize enough that you need to do everything they say as soon as you possibly can.

[Alice Torn]

i AM VERY SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU, AND IT SEEMED ALL WERE AGAINST, INCLUDING THE COPS. I do hope you can afford an attorney. Violence is never justified, unless in self defense.

[Paulette]

ReineD is correct stop being the victim and get yourself to a lawyer yesterday. "Anyone trying to represent themselves has a fool for a client" (Ben Franklin) California has very specific laws that will protect your rights if you proceed properly. I have over 33 years in Law Enforcement in California and I can tell that there are a couple of missing elements from your story which is why you need someone else to tell your side, that someone is called an attorney. Your are fortunate that you live in the bay area where there are many attorneys that understand and have experience with gender law.

All to often posters here leave out critical information which makes the cops seem like bigoted idiots and homophobes. In the bay area the law enforcement folks receive extensive training on diversity and domestic violence issues. All of that being said remember that police departments are made up of people from the community and in that big pool there is bound to be a bad apple. In my experience a good lawyer can get it all straightened out for you.

[mechamoose]

What ReineD said.

+10

You need to hire an attorney. It is a 'MUST', not a 'SHOULD'.

If a bear were attacking your kids, what would you be willing to do to save them?

DO THAT NOW.

- MM

[StarrOfDelite]

Hi, I am an attorney, but not California licensesed, so you should take this advice as just friendly comments.

First, I am curious why you are doing your visitations at the Ex-es home. Are the kids really small, or is there some history why you have not been given permission to do your visitations at your home? If there are issues, you should be able to get court-ordered visitation privileges at a neutral site. I'm sure that somewhere in your area such a facility exists. The only downside is that a fee will probably charged for use of the neutral premises.

Second, related to issue 1., the police are naturally going to be more inclined to rely upon the evidence given by the homeowner in a "He said vs. She Said" situation. If family of your Ex and her brother told them such a story it's not surprising that you felt they were siding with your attacker. I wouldn't immediately think that prejudice against transgenders was at play. It might have been, but not necessarily.

Third, if you can prove your case, you are legally entitled to a Domestic Violence Civil Protective Order against the brother. They are not just for former partners, but apply to any family situation. The DVCPO would require the brother to leave any place he is at when you arrive, and to refrain from coming near you. Usually a distance of about 1000 feet is specified.

If you qualify under income limits, the local legal aid group may be able to assist you without charging a fee.

[Billiejosehine]

I have contacted several lawyers, but have not gotten any returned calls. There is one that I have meet with a couple times since Jan, but not helpful. So I have been relying on the self help center, but it would be beneficial if I can have someone represent me through all this. I have also contacted the transgender law center and national center for lesbian rights. Just waiting to hear back and to follow up. The judge today decided to grant temp custody, the restraining order; so no contact in any form (calling, emailing, mailed letters, etc.) what so ever to my children, and for me to have supervised visits. My kids are priority and enjoy being part of their life. But because of who I am, my ex sees things differently.

Starr: The reason why I'm having to go to my ex's house was because she did not trust me and that I needed to prove to her that I can. Things have been under her terms, no matter how I fought to get I want, she has been manipulative and controlling. I should have taken care of business the right way from the beginning, but my emotions were getting in the way of what should have done. The incident that occurred at the house with the brother was related to how I identify myself, what I wear, and look like. He has threatened to beat me up on several occasions, and thinks I should not be allowed near my children because I'm TG and what I wear (according to him it's wrong and they don't need to be around it). I have gone to the police to file, but they wouldn't help me saying that he could counter it and since there is no physical evidence of harm on me or him ( even though I have bruises), things will more more then likely go nowhere.

So there's a lot of legal things I need to take care of to protect myself. I have been bullied my whole life, but nothing like I'm experiencing since coming out to people.

[ReineD]

I have contacted several lawyers, but have not gotten any returned calls.

Billie, there are hundreds of attorneys in your area. Keep calling different ones until you find one who will see you in short order. You may have to pay a fee for the initial consultation. I don't think that anyone can resolve your situation over the phone.

Here's a listing of Family Law attorneys in Vallejo:

http://lawyers.findlaw.com/lawyer/firm/family-law/Vallejo/California

You can also click on the "same-sex" category up top. Not that your issue is same-sex, but these attorneys might be more familiar with TG concerns.

[PaulaQ]

Again, Billie, try Lambda Legal. They exist exactly for this type of situation.

[JessicaMN]

Did you bring your concerns about your treatment by the officers to the chief or their Sargent? If not you might want to.