Awakening to my personal reality.

[Barbie Anne]

I didn't quite know what section to put this in but I've been dwelling on it for a few months now and wanted to get it out. Hope this is in the right place :)
Ok here goes; Over the past few months I think I've finally reached a happy place about who/what I am.
I've always kind of been uncomfortable with the term "Crossdresser", and I've finally explained it to myself in a fashion that I'm ok with. I truly believe I am transgender. I've actually been diagnosed with G.I.D./G.D. a few times in the past. Dressing and presenting as female is actually what feels "normal" to me and that when I dress and present male.........THAT'S when I'm actually crossdressing.
I don't wear women's things for any other reason, than that's what feels right, normal and what I should be doing.

Don't know where I'm going but I've gotten to where I, (as stated earlier), feel as if dressing as a male is when I'm actually "crossdressing".

Anybody else feel this way?

[Rianna Humble]

A number, but not all, of us have felt that way in the past. If you have been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, what prevents you from acting on that diagnosis? Is it personal circumstances or something?

Have you discussed these feelings with a reputable Gender Therapist?

[Barbie Anne]

Actually I am finally acting Rhianna :) I've come to the conclusion that I've been hiding and living a lie all of my life, and I'm no longer going to tailor myself to fit society's "Normal". My wife is actually pushing me to be myself and be happy. I can't believe how wonderful and supportive she is. She's my rock.
Now to the sticky parts. I live in a very small conservative southern town. More dangerous here than a lot of places to come out in public. Thinking of moving but most of my family is here. They accept me but believe me when I say how dangerous it would be to present completely as female in public. Yes I've started wearing a lot of female accents and attire even in public. But I don't dare get too "Flamboyant". slacks tops and such are cool and I do get dirty looks but a skirt or dress could probably get me assaulted or even "dissapeared"......it's happened here in the past.
Yes my doctor is going to set me up with a gender therapist but they don't even exist in this town, no support groups of any type, and there isn't even an lgbt friendly church.............I really need to move.
Basically I wear ladies jeans and tshirts with sandals and carry an army medic's bag that serves as a purse. Pink hair ties are pushing it but it's what I do.
Very scary here.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow I cant relate to that fear Barbie.

What are you really going to do about that? It really must be addressed.

for what its worth I drove about 90 minutes in traffic to a hundred plus therapy sessions over many years... I flew to Arizona for surgeries... I traveled to boston for a surgery... we tend to travel to get what we need.

[mechamoose]

I'm not in the same place you are dear, but I understand how dressing affects your sense of self.

It is ok to be 'off chromosome' and dress how you feel inside. You just have to get over being afraid. (Easier said than done, I know)

<3

- MM

[Angela Campbell]

Unfortunately if you have to transition you have to do things you don't want to. If that includes moving to somewhere you feel safe then you have to move.

It isn't easy.

[Barbie Anne]

Well even though most of my family that accepts me is right around here, We've considered moving back to Springfield missouri. Really big college town with a huge lgbt community. There's also the option of just traveling to therapy/support sessions. Hell we have to travel just to be social here lol.
But whatever I decide to do, I am going to act finally. I find I can no longer live this male lie.
Heck I've even tried contacting members of this group as well as other online communities trying to find similar couples for my wife and I to socialize with, Not for swinging purposes or sex or whatever.....to each his own but that's just nasty to me.
Closest I've found is about 45 miles away........We're both disabled and without transportation........that's the big monkey wrench in our whole situation..........Main reason I'd move to a larger town is public transportation. Sure the fear to go out in public here is a very real and deserved thing but it wont stop me. I just need to be careful not to "rub it in their faces" so to speak. So for now I go for an androgyne to femme look......kinda like a girly tomboy :)

[kimdl93]

I would have reservations remaining too long in a community you feel is dangerous. Missouri may be the right destination for your future happiness and safety.