On other's adaptation

[Lilo]

I feel like I have adapted very well and smoothly to my new life since coming out. I still work on things like voice and electrolysis but I have no problems functioning. However, I find others adapt at a much slower pace and this is becoming quite bothersome. The other day I was being introduced for a talk and the person, who knows me, initially used a male pronoun. He subsequently corrected himself and continued the introduction. At that time the damage was done. I am transitioning in place so everyone knows my past and this is OK. Yet, these things are starting to chew up into my self-confidence. I dread being introduced because it is a 50/50 chance they will screw it up. It is not done intentionally but it happens much more frequently than I would want. So far, all I do is send the person a private email after the incident so that I dont bring additional undesired attention and I also dont embarass the perpetrator (these are not ill intentioned). I am curious if others have strugled with similar issues and what tips if any you may have. I initially thought it was related to me and my presentation but I cannot honestly improve it further in the near future. I try to be as fmenine as possible and it seems that their past image of myself still dominates their mind. It has been going on for nearly 5 months and I have also noticed that males are a thousand times more likely to screw up the pronouns. Interestingly, their use of my new name did not take ANY time to adapt. Everyone got used to it super quickly. I am starting to hate pronouns.

[Persephone]

Oh yeah, does that hurt!

I have two women who do it to me almost on a consistent basis. One is my hairdresser. I've been a client of hers for thirty-five years, the post five or more years only as a woman yet she still often uses "He." Her "excuse" is that old habits are hard to change. Really! After 5+ years? But after all these years of friendship I hate to give her up.

The other is the chairlady of one of the women's groups I belong to. She knows my past and invited me to join anyway, even though the group makes a bid deal of being "women only" (husbands are not permitted to attend most activities). I've even been one of the women invited to spend a couple of weeks with her at her time-shares, she's seen me in all sorts of circumstances from swimsuits to nightgowns, and still, far too often I'm "he."

I've spoken privately and forcefully with these two and it seems to work -- for a while.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[becky77]

Old habits die hard!

It's one of the things you just have to accept, most of the time people try but for a moment they forget themselves. Unless you want to walk away from everyone you knew before not sure what else you can do?
I have just come back from the doctors and my Dr called out my male name, she was so apologetic and kept saying sorry. She was just busy and made an error, I know she wouldn't do it on purpose as she is genuinely lovely.
In fact she in unbelievably supportive and caring, and you could see she was kicking herself as it mattered more to her than it did to me.
My Mum calls me Rebecca all the time but still says he a lot, it's ingrained from years and years of usage and association. It's still early days for me, hopefully they will slowly adapt, but I love my family and friends too much to ask for anymore than they are already giving.

[Alaska Taylor]

I am on the other side of the adaptation, I am wondering, at what point in the transition period do we start to use the opposite pronouns? My wife has just told me that she wants to be a man, as her wife, I wonder should I refer to her as he yet? And at what point do I stop using the term wife? I guess I need to talk to her (him?) about it.

[Lilo]

Yes, ask him/her and try your best. I feel this is about personal comitment. Yes, 'old habbits die hard' BUT they dont die at all if people dont try. I think, in my case, the people that make the most mistakes are not really making a concientious effort to adapt. Everyone needs to slow down a bit in conversations to adapt. By speaking slower, one has a chance to think about pronouns before using them. But this takes effort, personal effort and comitment. I have to do something similar as a part of voice training. If I am speaking fast, I deviate from a female voice. By slowing down and thinking, I am more able to keep my voice on track. I think its about personal comitment.
I personally dont get offended by mistakes, it is not an attack most of the time. However, I can get horribly embarrased by this. In the example of the OP, there was an audience of 20-30 people who dont know me. I am dressed like a woman and feel horrible by pronouns because you feel ridiculous. This is very different from my Mom making a mistake when speaking on the phone with me.

[becky77]

I totally agree. I ask my family and friends to try harder when we are out, it is humiliating. I just don't know what the answer is?

[Rianna Humble]

Alaska, I would say that you should definitely ask your wife to help you find the answers to this question.

It may be simpler to start referring to your SO or your partner to avoid an embarrassing cut-over.

In my not so humble opinion, so long as it is expressed as a desire rather than an action, you do not need to start using male pronouns, but as soon as she tells you that she is beginning her transition, then it would be more respectful to use the male gender and the transman name.

[Jorja]

Lilo, you have been aware of your particular situation for quite awhile now. Others are just now learning of it. It takes awhile and many reminders before they really get it right. Be sure to correct them each and every time they screw up. Hang on, they will come around.

[Lilo]

Hi Jorga,
I think that is partly true. Yet, I still have a hard time consolidating how it is possible, given the same amount of time, that some people adapt quickly while others never seem to get on with it. I think, underlying this there may be a difference in their willingness to work on it. I dont think there is much left to do from my part, so you sre probably right that I can only be patient.

[Alaska Taylor]

Thank you :)

[Jorja]

I am on the other side of the adaptation, I am wondering, at what point in the transition period do we start to use the opposite pronouns? My wife has just told me that she wants to be a man, as her wife, I wonder should I refer to her as he yet? And at what point do I stop using the term wife? I guess I need to talk to her (him?) about it.

There is no rule that states at what point proper pronouns must be used. It is entirely up to the both of you. Start today or 10 years from now. In any case, have fun with it!

[DeeDee1974]

Before getting upset with anyone, I always consider their intent. Was it a simple mistake? Or were they being ignorant and trying to hurt/ embarass me?

My ex-wife and I had a discussion as to what she would call me once I started to transition. It was her idea because she said husband didn't really fit anymore. We decided that Significant Other, Spouse or Wife would work.

But she made a mistake on a couple of occasions. One time she was introducing me to some colleagues and said "this lovely lady here is my Husband Dee". Everyone had a bit of a chuckle except my ex-wife who turned white as a ghost because she felt bad. She spent too much time apologizing for it.

She said that she focused so much time on doing it right in the beginning that introductions made her nervous and led to mistakes.

To this day I have no bigger supporter that my ex-wife and was never upset with her.

A couple of weeks ago I did have a younger guy call me dude which to me is the ultimate insult. That one made me feel sick to my stomach and a grudge will be held.

[PaulaAnn]

I found adapting to this new life pretty easy actually, after all it's who I am.Like Lilo mentions ,it's the voice more than any thing else that gives me away...it's taking a lot of hard and determined effort to correct this.As for getting called "he" at the wrong times ,well that's part of the territory.I just gently and sweetly in my best Paula voice ",my name is Paula" and carry on.No drama,just a quiet correction.,and if it's in a crowd ,well you have to grin and bear it.I've been on my own for 15 months and I really doubt if I've been mislabeled more than a half dozen times. At 6' 3" and red hair,you are going to attract a bit more notice you think ? Doesn't bug me though,I'm having the time of my life.
PaulaAnn

[Starling]

DeeDee, that's such a sweet story about your ex-wife. She obviously still loves you very much.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are going to have to hunker down for the long haul.
its not more complicated than that. I still get misgendered by my aunt and uncle (even after I got very much in their face about it)...my aunt actually cried and apologized but still does it!!

Remember people don't care that much...they want to be nice...they just know you as a guy
..the past image of you DOES dominate their mind.

Its your call whether to go easy or hard on people...just remember they will respond accordingly..

[Cheyenne Skye]

Having just come out at work two weeks ago, I am facing the same dilemma. Some of my coworkers are well on board and use my new name without fail. Others try and make mistakes but quickly correct themselves. While yet still others will still talk to me but they refrain from using any name or pronouns at all. When I asked one of these people, his response was to say he would rather not say for fear of making a mistake and making me uncomfortable. But I would rather a person try and learn from their mistake than leave my name out altogether. I feel like that actually invalidates me as a person. Believe it or not, some of the worse offenders, whether they make mistakes or just don't use either name, are my managers. The worst part is that I usually can't just stop them and correct them. (I work as a cook in a fast paced restaurant and they are usually talking to me about certain orders or sides in the middle of the rush. I only have time to respond and move on to the next task at hand.) I'm still trying to figure how long I should give them to adapt before I get mad at them for using the wrong name.

[Aprilrain]

My parents slip up some times with the pronouns and rarely with my name. I'm having some work done on my house and the electrician I'm using is friends with my dad and I've known this guy for years. He's never slipped up on my name or pronouns and hes always really friendly but he usually ends our phone conversations by calling me pal or buddy. I just think its funny. One of my aunts tends to slip up quite a bit on my name. I just pretend like I didn't hear her and she usually corrects herself.

In my experience the better ones presentation is the easier it is for people accept and respond accordingly. It takes a lot of effort at first but gets easier with time and there are always going to be people who make mistakes because of their history with you.

[noeleena]

Hi,

In my case, it was noel or no-el to noeleena.. over night, nation wide, that included friends i have and still do over 56 years ago. Jos calls me noel and one or two friends, my band master / conductor she calls me noel , a few still say he him her or she, what ever, i dont care, they allso know most of my history and about our family.

i know two men who have a miner detail with me and not got it right that im a female, who cares i dont i think its funny as i play it up any ways , when it comes out oh he er she, i just say oh what ever, i dont take it or myself serous enough to worry about it ,
they know me and im noeleena to them and they are my friends ,

...noeleena...

[BOBBI G.]

I have friends, really no family left, my ex saw to that, a good many of them more that a 40 or 50 year friendship. They have a great difficulty remembering pronouns and calling and speaking with me by my name. I am proud of who I am and what I have and am going through. I would love for everyone to use correct wording and phrasing concerning me, but, at least, they are still keeping me in their lives. I can live with the improper use of pronouns. But that is just me.

Bobbi