In denial? Need help.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Somehow I've reached a turning point. I made an appointment today to resume sessions with a counselor I've known for over five years. I'm 61 and have dressed for most of my life. I always found my CDing a great comfort and a sense of peace. In the past year I haven't done anything except for my wearing my girl undies and pajamas as comfort. I have a beautiful wardrobe, a few nice wigs, my ears are pierced, and plenty of makeup. My hair stylist knows all about me and offers me full support to even come to my house to help me. My wife is 100% supportive in every way, even to support some breast surgery if it makes me feel better. I don't know how far I could go though, even though I could enjoy a lot being retired and am not so active in the community or family for anyone to give me any crap. I could afford to have breast implants to feel good about myself without any repercussions. I know a doctor who will do them.

The problem is my depression. It could very well be that my drinking has increased to probably supress my feelings. Now don't tell me to just quit! Anyone who drinks heavily can tell you it's not as easy as stopping cold-turkey. I did that once before and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. There are also physical implications. Hopefully I can find a way.

Today I have little interest in the things I used to love such as my hobbies, my home, keeping things neat and orderly, keeping a smooth trim feminine body, getting all dressed and pretty, and finding my self-esteem looking at the girl in the mirror. I think if I could get that back, I could spend my days happily enjoying my homelife and hobbies, keeping a nice house for my wife to come home to while she works, and enjoy my very private yard.

I just need to break through this barrier. I miss the life I worked for years to achieve.

No sermons please! Just some kind of encouragement.

Cheryl

[Laura912]

I would encourage you to recover from this as much as possible. But you know that you need professional help. Please, go get it. A counselors, unless they are a physician, are not qualified to prescribe anti depressants which you appear to need. While we may be supportive, please seek the help you need and all the best to you as you journey along this path to recovery.

[Alice Torn]

Count it a big huge blessing, if you have a tolerant wife. Some of us loners never got to have a mate. !2 step AA groups are goo. I went to 12 step ACA, and AA. Depression can be lack of magnesium, zinc, calcium, Vit C and D3, and lack of B vitamins. A high quality mineral suppliment, and vitamins can help some. I have had depression much of my life, too, It is a battle.,

[MissTee]

Depression can certainly impact how we receive the fulfillment that keeps us balanced. Do check for vitamin deficiency before starting a prescription regimen. Years ago I wet through a real mental funk, only to find out I had dangerously low B-12 levels. A few shots later and I was whole again. This after a few years of antidepressants which worked for me worked, but managed the symptoms rather than the cause. Good luck!

[kimdl93]

You have taken the essential first step...that is, making an appointment with your counselor. Depression can be resolved with the help of a competent behavioral health professional and some work on your part. Stick with it and you'll feel better.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Thanks Ladies! These are all good thoughts to explore. I would also welcome additional comments. I want to get back to loving and living life as a woman now that i can!

Cheryl

[Beverley Sims]

Gradually take on other interests, okay, temper the drinking, try lemonade or coke, that only rots your teeth I am told.

It is easy to sit in front of the television and stagnate, take up photography and see how artistic you can be at that.

Cheap camera and a free photo editing program should help.

Try some selfies dressed and get howled down by me when I review you in the photography section.

"Today I have little interest in the things I used to love such as my hobbies, my home, keeping things neat and orderly, keeping a smooth trim feminine body, getting all dressed and pretty, and finding my self-esteem looking at the girl in the mirror. I think if I could get that back, I could spend my days happily enjoying my homelife and hobbies, keeping a nice house for my wife to come home to while she works, and enjoy my very private yard. "

This quote has all the goals you need to move yourself again.
Lethargy is a disease just as much as depression.

Look on the bright side of life and report back in three months. :)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Cheryl Ann, It sounds like the pink fog has taken over your life I hope that you can work through this.

[DeeArel]

A wise person once told me that you must retire to something and not from something. It appears that you may have retired from something. I hope you find something that makes you look forward to waking each day.

[DonnaT]

Sometimes depression can be the result of chemical unbalance, so you need a physical checkup to go with the mental evaluation. All the doctors you see need to know about the drinking.

In the meantime, force yourself to dress, and explore being a housewife. Find pleasure in completing chores and making your wife happy.

[Katey888]

Cheryl - lot of good advice here already... I'm sure many of us have been through or come close to what you describe... :hugs:

It also sounds like you know some of the answers to your questions - counselling and other folks can help; don't be afraid to use every resource of friends, family, healthcare - anything and anybody! - to get you back to normality of a sort. Hopefully you're also sharing this with your GP - I'm sure they can help with any dependencies... but I think you also realise you have to find some inner strength to come back at this... :)

I'm going with Winston's famous quotes again: "If you're going through hell - keep going!" and... "Never, never, never give up!" ... and Winnie was someone who knew a lot about depression and drinking... ;)

Come back here and vent a bit too... You can do that in the GM forum or Lounge if it's not related to CDing :D

Katey x

[UNDERDRESSER]

All I will say is do whatever you can to be active, find excuses to move, find ways to build physical activities into your life. Get a bike? Use it to go down to the stores?

[sometimes_miss]

and finding my self-esteem looking at the girl in the mirror.
That could be the key. Even women go through a great deal of mental anguish over the loss of beauty as they age. Perhaps you are going through the same thing.
One of the biggest current problems with treating depression is, that despite all the chemical treatments available, as long as you can think, if there's a real reason that you're depressed, then you're still going to be depressed. Western medicine does not use of euphorics, drugs that will make you happy (consider; western medicine spent billions of dollars to figure out exactly how much of the active ingredient in marijuana to feed to senior citizens in order to get them to eat, but not enough for them to feel any enjoyment out of the drug; they want them to stay alive, but they won't allow them to be happy without all the self sacrifice and work to 'earn it'!).
Our puritanical society won't allow that,we're not allowed to be happy unless we have suffered and worked hard to be happy. The chemical antidepressants will only work if there is no reason for you to be depressed, that it's only a chemical imbalance making you feel that way.
I can only tell one short story about depression. 20 years ago, I was married. Pretty girl. I had a good steady job. Just bought a house. had a nice car. And was depressed. A friend asked me, what I did that I enjoyed; I couldn't answer; I had given up all the free time activities that I used to enjoy doing; now, I was doing things that every one else told me that I should enjoy doing, and it wasn't working. Well, I bought a motorcycle, started enjoying riding again, and changed my life, because I did something that I liked to do, not what everyone else told me I should like doing.

And I think a lot of people go through this. We are conditioned throughout our lives to do what society tells us that we should enjoy doing: We should enjoy getting married and only having sex with one woman for the rest of our lives, we should enjoy working hard to support our families whether we like the work or not, we should enjoy spending time with our families, we should enjoy working on our houses, we should enjoy spending lots of time with our wives, children and relatives, we should enjoy giving up things we used to like doing because we're now mature and responsible, and don't need to enjoy simple things anymore, the list goes on and on. BAsically, we stop doing stuff we like doing, because everyone else wants us to be doing stuff THEY want us to do. And we believe them, and we become miserable, because we stopped paying attention to ourselves, we only paid attention to what everyone else says we should want.

Try looking back and seeing what you used to enjoy doing, that you don't do anymore. Then either go back to that, or find a new past time that you like, not what anyone else says you SHOULD like.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

When I joined this group about a year ago, I didn't realize I'd be talking with many awesome people who CD and have experienced things like I have! You're the best! And you have the experience that a trained counselor doesn't have. I realize I need to get away from the drinking. I plan to post in the Lounge about that issue.

I did a little research. I take an anti-anxiety drug Lorezepam, and blood pressure and cholesterol meds. Most have depression as a side effect especially the Lorezepam. It also causes dizziness and leg weakness which I have. I'd like to discuss that with my PCP. I've become lethargic too. Instead of sitting at my laptop I know I should be out there walking or exercising. Inertia is difficult to get over when you fall into these habits. My wife is supportive and gets on my case to get moving. Even my hair stylist who is a Facebook friend, noticed I wasn't "right" on my last 2 visits for a cut and brow waxing. Usually I'd wear ear rings to her shop and no one cared. These times I didn't.

Again, I truly appreciate your support and have read everyone's comments taking your words into consideration. Thank you!!!

Cheryl