GUUUUH: the week after

[Amy Fakley]

UGH! Today was one of the hardest days I've ever had at work.

My mind kept wandering, I couldn't stay focused .... it was like getting jabbed with a needle all day long. I can't explain it very well ... like an alarm clock in my mind that goes off every two minutes that says: "hey this doesn't feel right ... you know you should be pretty right now ... it's going to be months until you can again ... why are you such a weirdo? ... why haven't you come out to your wife? ... that's really awful of you ... she's gonna freak, you know that right? ..."

... and on and on and on all day...

I tried a hefty dose of caffeine to try and snap myself out of it, but that only made me flightier ... and more jittery and more emotional ... then my distraction started to turn into mistakes, and I had to re-code pieces I'd spent all morning on ...

I mean I eventually picked up the pieces and got through the day, but it was just freakin' miserable. It seems like this happens to me every time my girl side grows a little. The "higher" I get in girl mode the "lower" I go in guy mode. I don't understand it, really. I mean you'd think that I'd just stop at some point because of it, but I don't even want to, which in itself is just like ... insane, I guess.

I suppose removing myself from the closet might solve this problem, but I'm so terrified of the monsters that would take it's place. Yeah I never should have got myself in this situation, but here I am, you know? There's consequences either way I guess. It doesn't seem too likely that I'm gonna find peace with that any time soon either way, so the temporary stalemate is about the best possible scenario for the moment. That stinks, just not as much as the alternatives, I guess.

Just every time. My first dress? crashed like a freshman the week after. First makeup, first wig, same thing. First time out (briefly), and I feel like my head is gonna explode.

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I don't want to start a barrage of "come out/don't come out" debates, and I have no question to the forum. I'm just venting, LOL
thanks for reading

[kimdl93]

sorry, I would have had this response posted a few minutes ago, but my iPad decided to drop the forum just as I hit send. So, here, to the best of my recollection was in insightful reply:

The monsters you speak of are creations of our imagination. You had a great experience, stepping out beyond the confines of your closet and you like it. Naturally, like all of us here, the two-headed monster of regret and shame arose on cue. How could it be otherwise - we've been taught from childhood that what we enjoy must be wrong, and this ...whoa, this thing we enjoy, crave and need...it must be really bad.

And the inner conflict you describe, part of you arguing you should stop and the other saying, I'd rather be dressing than here...same for all of us. I'm not sure it gets better until you can finally accept yourself fully.

I do have to ask, where would you like to go next? And how well do you know your wife's attitudes and tolerance? You're the only one who can gauge her reaction to a carefully planned reveal, or an accidental outing.

In the end, I hope you'll reach a point in life where you can feel free and as open as you want to be. Then those monsters of your imagination will begin to fade away.

[Michelle789]

I've been there too. I've thought the same things, as well as am I really transgender or am I really just delusional, engaging in fantasy, or just a failure as a man. And yeah I definitely freak out when any circumstance forces me into guy mode and prevents me from being in girl mode.

I've had many rough days. I've freaked out over losing my job, and having to face my family, all their negativity on life, as well as having to stop cross-dressing should I have to live with them or nearby them.

I feel like even if I come out as TG to my family, it will only solve one problem. They won't necessarily accept me. They may ask that I dress as a guy when I visit them. They could mis-gender me. They could try to convince me not to transition or dress in front of them. And coming out to them certainly won't stop their "I hate the whole world" attitude, their constant complaining, and misery and unhappiness in their house.

I wish I could just let go of my family. I wish someone could just plant a teflon chip in my brain so that when someone says something to me I just forget they ever said it. I really detest my family. I really really hate family in general. God, I really hate having multiple issues to deal with.



And the inner conflict you describe, part of you arguing you should stop and the other saying, I'd rather be dressing than here...same for all of us. I'm not sure it gets better until you can finally accept yourself fully.


I can relate to that too.

[bimini1]

Yeah it can be rough. Unnerving at times. Take some consolation in the fact that you are not alone in going thru it, even though it seems that way. Like the world is against you. And for the most part, it is. Like today at work, one of my co-workers actually used the word, "transvestite" in the middle of a meeting in reference to someone else, and not in a good way. I have no idea what she was thinking, but it definitely got me to thinking wow, here I sit about to go home and indulge in all my 'transvestic' glory. What if they knew, they would run me out of here on a rail.
It's not easy. Perhaps at times the hardest road a man can tow.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Be careful what you wish for, You can't un-ring a bell once it's been rung.

[Alice Torn]

Michelle, I can relate about family of origin. Four years ago, had to return to them, but got an apartment 11 miles away. But, have had to deal with tons of dysfunctional issues with them all over again.

[Beverley Sims]

Once you get over the euphoria of all those firsts, you can start on seconds.

You enjoyed seconds when your mom dished them up at the dinner table, didn't you?

That makes it all last longer. :)

[Katey888]

As I have seen others say on many threads including my own - "I could have written most of that too..." :hugs:

Thanks for sharing and venting - it should help you to know that you're not feeling those feelings alone... so try to remember that when things seem confused or insane - there's a lot of us in that same state with you! :)

And you are totally right about the monsters... but better the monsters you know, sometimes... :D

Hoping you feel a bit of peace and harmony when you can...

Katey x

[devida]

Also when you feel this way it might help to step out of your misery just to ask yourself what exactly it is that you have done that is so terrible. All you did was adopt the presentation of a a different gender than the one you usually adopt. It just cannot be so awful to wear clothes that you don't usually wear. I swear I do often think that it is society that is crazy and every single person who finds clothes, clothes!, some kind of threat is seriously disturbed. I often can't wrap my head around it. But don't believe the hype. Don't beat yourself up because you like to play dress up and have fun. Maybe you can't tell your wife and friends because, you know, they all crazy judgmental monsters. Maybe you have to protect yourself against their violence but you don't have to take their clubs and beat your own head with them. Be kind to yourself even if you don't have the environment where anyone is kind to you. Stop internalizing the hateful thinking of other people. You can never find happiness until you do.

[Confucius]

Mcfakley: "It seems like this happens to me every time my girl side grows a little. The "higher" I get in girl mode the "lower" I go in guy mode. I don't understand it, really. I mean you'd think that I'd just stop at some point because of it, but I don't even want to, which in itself is just like ... insane, I guess? ......... My first dress? crashed like a freshman the week after. First makeup, first wig, same thing. First time out, and I feel like my head is gonna explode. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH! "

Mcfakley, I don't think I've ever heard of a more expressive drescription of the "escalation problem".

So, what's going on in that brain? Well, the neurotransmitter, dopamine drives us, it produces the urges, seeking and expecting gratification, and along with it the "thrill" sensation. Dopamine is also associated with compulsive behavior and the addiction response. So in some ways cross-dressing will mimic the addiction response, but we know cross-dressing is much more than that. The way your brain works: when you do the same thing over, and over, and over, well it causes the brain to fatigue and release less dopamine. Now your brain wants to feel the thrill of your best cross-dressing experiences and keep your dopamie levels high, so you feel an urge to take your cross-dressing further, to take greater risks, and to discover how much good sensations you can avail yourself. At the same time you may try to rationalize this and run a mental cost/benefit analysis. Is immediate gratification always best for you???

So some of us will take our cross-dressing up to the next step, while others may decide to live within the boundaries set by ourselves, or by our SO. You will have to decide upon your own priorities and expectations in life and decide whether you should escalate or not.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I have to ask, how is this affecting your behaviour around your wife? Have you noticed her looking at you in a wondering, or concerned way?

[PaulaQ]

Gender dysphoria is progressive like that. I certainly experienced that, although it happened very rapidly for me.

[Amy Fakley]

I have to ask, how is this affecting your behaviour around your wife? Have you noticed her looking at you in a wondering, or concerned way?

I like to think that I'm hiding it well, but I am certainly more irritable than usual. That being said, I don't think she would chalk it up to anything other than too much/little coffee or a bad night's sleep ... or you know ... waiting on results of a medical scan (which finally came today: 4 years ... no cancer recurrence --- WOO HOO!). It's funny, because while I'm sure that was at the back of my mind, this whole thing blew up right in front of it like a fireworks store on fire. I'd honestly mostly forgotten that I was waiting on those results until the call came.

In any case, I'm really not one to take out my problems on others ... I'm a bottler-up-er, you know ... probably not healthy, but that too is just in my nature ... Thank God I have all of you to vent to :-)


Don't beat yourself up because you like to play dress up and have fun. Maybe you have to protect yourself against their violence but you don't have to take their clubs and beat your own head with them.

well that's just one of the best ways to put that, thank you! I like to think I've come a long way on the self-acceptance train, but every so often it jumps up out of nowhere and flattens me. Dunno, maybe Paula's right and this is just the tip of a dysphoria iceberg ... or maybe Confucious is right and it's all simple brain chemistry and I just need to manage it. Time will tell I guess.

thank you all for your support. It means the world to me to have understanding people I can talk with about these things.

[Sarah Doepner]

That all sounds soooo familiar to me. If there is a difference it wasn't as much a high and low as it was me getting very irritable because I couldn't express myself to my wife. The frustration was terrible and I would lash out with little warning and no good reason. It was never physical but my words could never be taken back and made it more difficult to come out. What saved my world? This forum helped. Out of town trips where I could spend more than a couple of hours as Sarah. A local support group has been worth every moment I've spent there. And plain old good luck that when my wife discovered I was a crossdresser she was able to find a couple of good web pages that helped her decide I was the same person she had always known, just one who was afraid to load one more thing on her shoulders.

As with everything that has been highs and lows for me, regular practice and exposure to the activity helps smooth the ups and downs a little. This may be something that needs to come with a bit more frequency so you can become more accustomed to the experience. Also having regular opportunities helps with the stress of thinking that you have to do as much as possible in any one session because it will be the last time until who knows when. Good luck. Breathe deep.