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Donnagirl
05-22-2014, 07:16 AM
Not sure if this is the right place, but I suppose it doesn't really matter... I can also suggest replies are probably wasted.

Before joining this wonderful place I lurked around slowly gaining courage. In the five months I have grown from fearful, shy, self conscious and closeted CD to confident, happy even posting pictures of the real me and attending a support group. I really thought things were going great guns. I truly believed the wife was coming around, starting to be more accepting even enjoying the voyage. I was wrong...

I have been purged... Thousands of dollars worth just dumped, thrown away, discarded... It is all gone and so is my marriage, family and life unless I return to a life of suppression and denial.

Thanks for the ride, it was so much fun whilst it lasted... I do hope to sneak back in to visit every now and then, strictly against the rules I've agreed to follow, but I'll take that risk...

Sure sucks to be me....

Mollyanne
05-22-2014, 07:28 AM
It saddens me to read about what has happened to you and how you will suppress your feelings and desires. I do hope you can find the strength to weather this storm and become stronger for it. You are going down a VERY difficult road and will be blamed for everything that doesn't go the way it was planned. Good Luck!!!!

Molly

stacycoral
05-22-2014, 07:33 AM
:sad: to hear about this Donna, my wife doesn't always like and tell me to take a break now and then, but she would never get rid of my girl things, do that she understands how much money has been spent, I hope you can take a some peace with you that we will be thinking about you, and hope that everything works out, being married for 24 years and friend and wife is something not to get rid of if possible, big :hugs:

Talisker
05-22-2014, 08:00 AM
She's a woman, hence may change her mind again.
Did you try to ban some of the hobbies she liked in return?

Alice Torn
05-22-2014, 08:00 AM
WOW! That is awful. Talk about "taking it in the shorts", or panties! No warnings? Just blindside? This is very major. I am sorry she suddenly got very intolerant and took such extreme action. I will pray for you, and hope she cools her jets, and your marriage can go on relatively well, but it is will take effort, and maybe counselling, or therapy, and some mercy on her part, and forgiveness, and love. One day at a time, and maybe one moment at a time, for a few days. If you just cannot dress anymore, i hope you will find other hobbies or interests to replace it some, and have the strength and love, to endure the pull , and desire. This may be easier, than you think. Mind over matter, and faith can really help one a lot, but the desire to dress will always be there. i feel for you, my friend, but i know you will pull through . If your wife becomes so controlling, that you cannot have sanity, you may have to consider a divorce. I hope she is willing to go to counselling with you. I know it must be more than a little raw right now.

Butterfly Bill
05-22-2014, 08:06 AM
Stealing my stuff I would regard as grounds for divorce.

Beverley Sims
05-22-2014, 08:11 AM
Donna,
It is sad to see uncompromising situations when a little bending would help heaps.

Yes, concentrate on what you have now but be mindful that it is not a form of control being exercised over you.

If it is you may have to make further decisions later on, otherwise there can be a softening of attitude by your wife considering the freedom she has allowed you to have up to now. Religious beliefs, early upbringing and third parties is what I would be looking out for as to the cause.

Annaliese
05-22-2014, 08:22 AM
Hugs, and some tears for you. Wish you luck.

DonnaT
05-22-2014, 08:24 AM
Sorry to hear that Donna. Seems like an awfully fast turnaround. I wonder if your wife got to talking with someone and received bad advice?

Stay strong.

Pumped
05-22-2014, 08:29 AM
I feel for you. My wife found out the other day. I am in the same boat, purged, all gone. Either I quit or she is gone. She claims to love me, but she didn't marry a cross dresser.

Christen
05-22-2014, 09:02 AM
Sorry to hear that. Must be awful for you. Any chance your and your partner might get some outside help to work through this?
I know it's hard, for both of you.

CrossJess
05-22-2014, 09:08 AM
I'm sorry to say this but you can't suppress these feelings they will eat away at you all the time, it will make you terribly unhappy and that's not right for anyone, your wife sounds like she's holding you to ransom which is a wicked thing to do and the lowest of low in my book "certainly be a relationship killer if someone did that to me",I would rather loose everything than spend my life in emotional turmoil no one should have any power of you and tell you what you can and can't do, i bet there is many things that you don't like her doing but I bet she will do them regardless of your feelings....sorry but i just think this is so sad :(

Alice Torn
05-22-2014, 09:23 AM
A lot of this seems to be happening lately! Sad, that simple clothing is being blamed, ad marriages are at stake. I have never been married, am 60. I am a bit afraid to, but have no SO. It looks like Pumped you have to decide to either stop dressing, or lose your marriage, but hopefully she will agree to talk it all out, or go to a therapist with you, and soften some. It is pretty mean to just throw out a mates' own possessions.

Katey888
05-22-2014, 09:24 AM
Donna - that is truly awful... I don't know what to say - I feel very angry on your behalf that this totally unilateral and biased action has taken place... :Angry3:

I can understand the not 'enjoying the voyage' but (and this is a stupid question, I know) does she understand that this isn't just something that happened on a whim or for a bit of fun?? And while you can discard the material attributes the underlying psychological ones are not just going to up and fly away....? This would be like a wife disposing of half someone's CD collection because she didn't like classical music...

I'm so sorry and I'm really enraged on your behalf... that is just not right. You come back and talk to us when you want to and when you need to!

:hugs:

Katey x

Nadine Spirit
05-22-2014, 09:41 AM
I truly believed the wife was coming around, starting to be more accepting even enjoying the voyage. .

So sorry this has happened to you. That really sucks!

Can you offer up a bit more of an explanation of how this came about? It seems a bit odd for someone to be coming around and then to demand you stop. I am just curious of the background on the story. Did she know? Were you two communicating about the cross dressing? Did she know the full extent of your behaviors?

Again, bummer. Sorry.

MsVal
05-22-2014, 09:55 AM
So sad....
You were just writing about how good you felt when the wig arrived and you put it on your head. Your wife does not know or understand that you have a strange but legitimate need, and that need can easily be satisfied in a way that provides great relief while harming no one. I suspect there is a bit of ignorance at the root of the problem. Ignorance is not shameful, and can be cured through education. I further suspect that your wife does not wish to remedy her ignorance.

Did you agree that the only solution was for you assume the full burden of compliance; to unilaterally forego all forms of crossdressing, while your wife offers nothing in return? That's pretty common. Blame it on your internal shame and guilt. That may come back to haunt you in the months ahead. At that time you will be in double jeopardy. Once for crossdressing and another for breaking your promise to quit.

I do hope that things cool down and you two are able to open an ongoing dialog. It will be painful but it is the best way I know to bridge the gap. Through it all, you two may come to an agreement that satisfies both of you and can actually be maintained.

Best wishes
MsVal

Debra Russell
05-22-2014, 11:31 AM
Sorry Donna - this if tuff, hope you can find middle ground. It seems like when an SO doesn't understand - our dressing will justify some adverse action and all other pblms will be lumped on top as the cause and effect - I sincerely hope you can work this out and she can get some help..........................Debra

Sandra
05-22-2014, 12:01 PM
So what had made her change like this? There has to be something that has triggered it. Have you been going to quick for her, pushing things with the dressing, how was she about you attending the support group.


She has to understand that this is not going to go away and you need to sit and tell her this, and how it is going to make you feel.

Di
05-22-2014, 12:15 PM
So what had made her change like this? There has to be something that has triggered it. Have you been going to quick for her, pushing things with the dressing, how was she about you attending the support group.
She has to understand that this is not going to go away and you need to sit and tell her this, and how it is going to make you feel.

Totally agree with Sandra and wonder what the heck happened one day she is buying you a wig then this.
Do not agree to things than can not be held to.........you will not be able to stop for ever and her saying you have to shows she does not understand.
Can you not both go to see someone that can help her to see it is not a choice and things really can be worked out.

I just do not know what to think.... Did you push over the dadt agreement?
I can only guess....just seems odd to be buying a human hair wig one min then throwing everything away that something must have went over her comfort zone. If this is the case....you can not push your way into acceptance it only makes the wife feel disrespected and the relationship not important to you from her pov.
Just guessing here from prev posts.

samantha rogers
05-22-2014, 12:35 PM
Donna...I am so sad and angry about this. I know how very homophobic Australia could be from years ago growing up there, and I had hoped it had changed, but this kind of story makes me wonder how many bad attitudes still linger.
We all of us that place our happiness in the hands of loved ones must live with the shadow of knowing that though we love them for their strengths we are at the mercy of their weaknesses.
I feel for you. You do indeed have a rocky time ahead, and possibly some hard calls to make.

Hugs

Sammie

ReineD
05-22-2014, 12:35 PM
Can you offer up a bit more of an explanation of how this came about? It seems a bit odd for someone to be coming around and then to demand you stop.


So what had made her change like this? There has to be something that has triggered it.

I agree with the above, and in typical Reine fashion am using hundreds of words to ask the same thing:

Last week you posted that your wife bought you a wig, human hair no less, but with the caveat that she should not see you wear it. Three weeks ago, your wife shaped and painted your finger nails, and she bought you a new pair of high heeled boots. You further said that you were in a "pink fog to the max" leading to spending a fortune using your Visa card.

What changed?

At the end of March, you said that your wife feared you were transsexual. Yet, she still bought you the wig, the boots, and did your nails in April and May?

Prior to this you went out in public dressed on your motorcycle (close to home?), shaved, with painted toe nails and with makeup, bra, girl clothes, etc. You've also been posting pics of lots of gorgeous (new?) shoes and a recent full face picture of yourself. Does your wife know that you posted a pic of your face on the internet?

Last, when you joined last January you said that your wife was "sort of" understanding and that you lived a manly man life.

So I'm wondering …

Have you been in a rather thick Pink Fog these last few months, and have things escalated quite a bit at least in your wife's eyes? Might she have been convinced that you were, in fact, on your way to transitioning? If you've been going out openly to more places and posting a face pic of yourself, it makes sense that your wife might have come to the conclusion that you were ready for the rest of the world to know, which for most GGs can and does lead to a perhaps erroneous conclusion (but conclusion nonetheless) that you were headed for full time.

Can you please describe exactly what happened with the purge? Were you away when your wife bagged everything up and threw it away, or did the two of you have a fight about your escalation and it was a momentary mutual conclusion that you should get rid of it all?

I've noticed in threads like yours that often certain details are left out, leading everyone to sympathize with you. Although I do agree that you deserve support for your right to express yourself (everyone does), this comes with an understanding, if you are interested in helping your wife grow in her own understanding, to keep things balanced and not go so fast as to convince her that you are switching teams so to speak.

Sorry if it seems as if I'm doubting you but in the interest of getting the best possible advice from everyone, including from the CDers who have integrated the CDing successfully in their marriages, can you fill in some of the blanks?

The point of my post is to determine if your wife inexplicably just got up yesterday and decided to throw away your things behind your back, which is the impression that I get reading your OP. And if so, can any of it be retrieved? Last, I do need to add that NO ONE has any right to destroy someone else's property, unless it is something like an alcoholic's bottle being poured down the drain. So if your wife did throw everything away without your knowledge, you have my sympathies. The best way to handle something like this is to agree to box it up temporarily until some compromise can be reached.

I know that reaching a middle ground can be difficult.

ronny0
05-22-2014, 12:57 PM
........
I have been purged... Thousands of dollars worth just dumped, thrown away, discarded... It is all gone and so is my marriage, family and life unless I return to a life of suppression and denial.

Thanks for the ride, it was so much fun whilst it lasted... I do hope to sneak back in to visit every now and then, strictly against the rules I've agreed to follow, but I'll take that risk...

Sure sucks to be me....


If you had "Thousands of dollars" of CD items, this was not a passing event and you have been into it a long time.

You are who you are, you apparently have promised to stop, yet are already planning on staying in touch with this site.

If you take the time to read others posts I think it will come to you that most can't stop.
We are who we are, and we only go through life once.
Be the person you need to be, and good luck!

Jenni Yumiko
05-22-2014, 01:32 PM
i dont know. playing devils advocate, imo 5months from zero to hero is pretty quick, especially in a life long marriage. theres ups and downs little victories and little losses along the way, but just from hearing what has been voiced in this thread is that you got pink fogged and went all out real quick. i think it took 5 months for bras, let alone forms wigs etc. sounds like she was trying to be supportive but got over whelmed by all this too fast. where men usually just do it, women tend to think and think and think and think and think some more about something, saying its ok before they even had their decision.
picture it from her side 5 months ago life was good, little picket fences, living the dream, then she gets this information and before she can really assess whatz going on, everything she thought she knew about her MAN is upside down. she says its ok, cause she loves him, but a few days later suddenly his clothes start changing, the closet gets filled with "another womans clothes, shes doing things to her man normally reserved for her or her friends, not to mention the finances. i make a good chunk of change rif i maxxed a credit card, there would be an issue, whether she said somethign right away or a month later.
slow your roll, step back, inthe grand scheme of thingsyou have the rest of your life to be who you are. take it slow, Rome wasntbuilt in a day.

excuse the typos but my ie for tablets hates this text box

Teresa
05-22-2014, 01:38 PM
Hi Donna,
I can only echo every one else and say how sorry I am that things have turned round so quickly and and gone so wrong !
We would all love to see your next post say that your wife realised what she had done and made a mistake and regretted hurting you, I'm keeping my fingers crossed !
It goes to show that many of us are on thin ice and must just keep looking over our shoulders before we're hit with this situation.
I wish you all the best and hope this is not too painful for you.

Marcelle
05-22-2014, 01:39 PM
Hi Donna,

Sorry to hear about these sad times. I cannot fathom to destruction of Isha by my wife without my knowledge. We agreed when I first started this that if it got too much she would confront me and tell be at which point we would renegotiate our agreement. Throwing your stuff away without a so much as a word (if that is what transpired) seems a bit extreme. Unfortunately it is done and now all you can do is go on. However, promising to "return to a life of suppression and denial" does not seem like a healthy path. I get that you want to preserve your marriage (as does your wife) but is she aware of the emotional toll it will take on you . . . anger, hostility, sadness, depression all come to mind. This will affect your relationship as deeply as CDing ever did. Is she open to discussion and perhaps a renegotiation? I am not saying you need to go back to what you had to make things work but, a compromise could be reached.

Again . . . sorry to hear about this.

Hugs and an extra one.

Isha

DollMaria
05-22-2014, 02:05 PM
That's terrible, so sorry to hear about it.

Good luck with the future.

DonnaT
05-22-2014, 02:20 PM
Can you offer up a bit more of an explanation of how this came about? It seems a bit odd for someone to be coming around and then to demand you stop. I am just curious of the background on the story. Did she know? Were you two communicating about the cross dressing? Did she know the full extent of your behaviors?


See
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?214094-Happiness-to-despair

Stephanie Sometimes
05-22-2014, 02:58 PM
So sorry to hear of this Donna. I fear that by suppressing your true nature now you will wear yourself down emotionally and physically. No one should have to do that in a marriage so if you can find a new compromise that will work you can build a new relationship with your wife otherwise you may never be able to forgive her and that's no way to live the rest of your life.

Wishing you the best, and Big Hugs from Across the Universe,
Stephanie

Shara
05-22-2014, 03:12 PM
Know where you coming from Donna. I'm very sorry for your situation and can relate.

Just joined this site a few weeks ago and made a few nice friends and then I was told I'm weird and to get rid of my stuff and stay off of this site. I did but I get on at times when at work on my smart phone. It's made me very depressed and I come here and read, except for a few bless ones, most have problems with the SO and cd.

Best of luck and hope things work out for you and your SO.

Dawn cd
05-22-2014, 03:20 PM
You have "been purged" is written in the passive voice. Sounds like you have been pretty passive the whole time: your wife gives, your wife takes away. When are you going to be active?

Cheryl Ann Owens
05-22-2014, 05:27 PM
I was separated from my first wife for 2 weeks in 1983. She was accepting all along but I think her family members got to her. When I came back home I was supposed to quit my lifestyle and she had a couple bags of my clothes and wigs ready for the landfill. When I disposed of everything I felt like a part of my life was ripped out of me. I wasn't the same.

I was somewhat okay for awhile but in 1984 I totally broke down. That's when she initiated a divorce. I lived alone in an apartment and started dating again. Then I met an angel who loved and accepted me for who and what I am. She even left some nice clothes and new panties on my bed in my apartment. We're married today and anything goes! We both give a lot to our marriage. I feel so very happy and lucky!

My ex-wife is off on her own. I sure don't miss her. There was a time I thought I couldn't live without her. What a fool I was to think that.

Cheryl

Tinkerbell-GG
05-22-2014, 05:45 PM
I don't like my H's crossdressing (no voyage enjoyment here, sorry) but I wouldn't be so mean as to throw out all his things.

Not unless he started to dishonour our DADT agreement by, say, joining a forum that encourages the crossdressing past our agreed level, he posted photos of himself for all to see, went out in public, bought endless girl items, thought constantly of dressing, pushed more limits etc etc. I might even buy him a few things as peace offerings, hoping he'd remember I was still there and to maybe calm the situation down. When he didn't, I'm pretty sure I'd feel duped and enraged, too.

There are two sides to this. I'd love to hear your wife's.

Farrah
05-22-2014, 06:00 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that. Since she knows you enjoy dressing, maybe she'll come around later down the road. However, I'm really sad to hear this. :(

Donnagirl
05-22-2014, 06:37 PM
Ok so I have snuck back in trying to type this on my iPhone in the office so please forgive any typos.

Bit more detail.... Yesterday was the start if her days off... Now I had noticed a little tension, but as she was working nights, we were only together for a few hours each evening from about 5:00 til 7:00. This time is obviously major family time, dinner, helping out with homework, sport... Last night was rugby for two sons.

I got the message via a call... She was supposed to be on days off but had been called back for overtime. She said she had cleaned out the bedroom and I would not be happy. Whilst a lot of the comments were a little harsh, she let me know that I had gone too far and she wanted her man back. Posting my pic was probably the trigger, she did not want to see it applied universally. It was not the image of her husband she wanted the world to see.

What I found a little disturbing was in a few instances it was not what she said but how she said it. I detected her mothers influence, her mothers paraphrasing. Now I do not get along with my mother in law and she would be the last one I would want to be involved... She is probably the only one to have substantial sway over my wife. (She would love to drive a wedge between the wife and I as that would be her ticket to moving in and getting a long term free retirement home. We did this for my mother who was dying of cancer but even the wife liked my mother. )

I will take my time to delve this deeply but I cannot escape the fact that the mother in law had an influence.

Historically, I kept hidden from my wife for the first few years of our marriage, basically coming out not long after the birth of our first child. For the next fifteen years I have been limited to occasionally dressing locked away in the bedroom. I built a small collection of internet purchases always open to advising her what I had bought. She would invariably open any mail anyway so it was safest to prewarn. This situation remain fairly stable until my mother moved in. Then everything was packed in a suitcase and hidden in the shed. My mother used to help out, washing, cleaning etc and would put clothes away in our room. For the 2.5 years she was with us I did not dress... She passed away in May 2013.

With her passing I cut any ties I had with my sisters (we never really got along) and this is when things really started. I started to 'lurk' around these style of websites never thinking about joining. I started to buy more stuff. I could take a day off when the kids were at school
and the wife was working and have hours to my self. I enjoyed several days like this but it was always clothes only, never make up on only my bald head.

By the end of last year I joined up having read so many posts and realized that, perhaps I was missing out. With hindsight it is clear the pink fog hit with a vengeance. 15 years of relative stability and what did I do.... Every small gain I was given was exceeded, every concession abused. I pushed it to hard to fast. As I said posting my pic, I believe was the last straw. I think she had to talk to someone and that someone could not be me. I wasn't listening. I was going out more and more under dressed... She would check for bra straps before we left the house!!!

She was trying to be supportive, buying those things but I pushed even that to far, wearing the boots around the house and posting pics online.

Yes I am taking the passive role here. I know I am in the wrong and hurt her. I should have read the signs better and been more understanding of her concerns.

I do believe I can win back a few small concessions but my collection is gone.

Tonight is going to be an interesting time and I hope a constructive one. Neither want this marriage to fail, neither want the damage that would cause. Our relationship had taken a hit, but not a fatal one. I don't think counseling is necessity, we can work through this.

I can only hope that others learn from my mistakes. Read those signs early and break out of the selfish 'it's all about me' attitude. Pink fog is dangerous!!!!

I'll keep checking in by smart phone and let you know how the next few days pan out...

Thanks for all your support.

Tinkerbell-GG
05-22-2014, 06:53 PM
Donna, you sound committed to your marriage and like you understand what has gone wrong. Working together, you and your wife sound like you'll both be okay.

Just a thought - does she mind you having your photo as your avatar here? It's a very public part of the forum. If she's that mad about the photos I'd be inclined to quickly change it! Good luck x

BLUE ORCHID
05-22-2014, 07:41 PM
Hi Donna, It is just so sad to read a thread like this, This is like the Mafia, You just can't quit, I'm sure that you will be back.

Donnagirl
05-22-2014, 08:02 PM
Just a thought - does she mind you having your photo as your avatar here? It's a very public part of the forum. If she's that mad about the photos I'd be inclined to quickly change it! Good luck x

Probably yes, but as I have told her I would stay away for a while any changes might be a give away. I'm hoping to keep it up there as it is already in the public domain now but I suggest it will a small sacrifice that she can see I have made.

Deedee Skyblue
05-22-2014, 08:02 PM
Donna, good luck to you. You are choosing a difficult path, but the rewards are clear - you remain married - and the consequences are clear too. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I don't have advice for your marriage, but I do have a little advice on not dressing. Keep busy - and when you feel a strong compulsion, resist it for 15 minutes and it will probably weaken. When you resist a strong compulsion, find some way to give yourself a little reward - you will deserve it.

Best luck, Deedee

PaulaQ
05-22-2014, 08:47 PM
I'm very sorry for your trouble Donna. I'm also sorry for how little power you have in the situation. Being TG means in the eyes of the world, you are always wrong and that it's always your fault.

I know how it goes - you have my sympathy.

WhisperTV
05-22-2014, 10:42 PM
I'm very sorry to hear about your predicament and I hope everything works out well for you.

Jilmac
05-22-2014, 11:00 PM
Sorry to hear that you crashed and burned after a joyful ride, I certainly hope you can find some solace in life without CDing

kimdl93
05-22-2014, 11:41 PM
I'm going to defer further comment pending a bit of research.

paulaprimo
05-23-2014, 01:38 AM
unless you want to wind up divorced as many times as i have been, i don't think that the time is right to demand anything.
i agree that it stinks, but you do have a family to think about. if you give in to her demands now, taking a step backwards,
i'm thinking maybe in time she just might reconsider and it might lead to new advances for you... she will appreciate the sacrifices
you've made for her and it will show her how much you truly love her. if she was supportive before, there's a good chance
she will come around and be much more supportive the second go round. i do wish you the very best of luck! :)

Jenniferathome
05-23-2014, 03:57 AM
Now, Donna, the salvation for anyone is discussion. And contrary to your comment, counseling can help. A counselor is really just a mediator to help get difficult topics discussed without emotion. Things are NOT being said between you and your wife, of that I am certain. There is an "it" that needs to be discussed.

tracigirl_tv
05-23-2014, 06:02 AM
Good luck Donnagirl. I wish you happiness and peace.

huggggggs,

Traci

natcrys
05-23-2014, 07:59 AM
Wow.. what a situation! :(

I don't think I really have anything useful to say about this, since I'm not married myself.. and an SO that would limit me in my dressing and my expression of my feminine side would me so unhappy.

In your case, you made agreements with your wife.. and apparently you yourself admit that you have taken it too fast. So there are two sides to this story.

However, she threw out your stuff.. and that would be completely unacceptable to me!

I wish you all the best since you have made the decision to commit to your marriage, but I know where my red line would be.

MsVal
05-23-2014, 08:48 AM
They say that inside every cloud is a silver lining. I see a silver lining in those clouds of despair.


It starts with Donna as a long term crossdresser. Her wife knows and even supports her need.
Then, there was an admitted breech of agreement and things quickly got out of control. This appears to be a one time episode, not an ongoing pattern of behavior.
Now both parties are committed to restoring the happy, peaceful marriage they once had.


I predict that due to this Significant Emotional Experience, all manner of things will be opened for discussion. Together, these intelligent, knowledgeable, committed adults will come to a mutually agreeable solution that respects Donna's legitimate needs and her wife's legitimate needs. It won't be pretty, it won't be fast, there will be tears, and it will leave a bruise on their marriage, but it will happen.

Let this be a cautionary tale for those that are exceeding the limits of their agreements with their accepting (and supporting) wives. I encourage all that can, to maintain an ongoing dialog about all your thoughts and needs, don't limit it to crossdressing. This is a big way to demonstrate the love, trust, and appreciation you have for that wonderful woman.

Best wishes
MsVal

AnneC
05-23-2014, 08:51 AM
Good luck. Wish I could get my wife to go even that far.

mariehart
05-23-2014, 10:30 AM
I wonder, has she really thrown away everything or has she put them away somewhere? Feeling perhaps you needed teaching a lesson? Just a thought.

While you admit you crossed the line. I do think it was going too far for her to simply get rid of everything without a warning of some sort. Hence my thoughts above.

Jane G
05-24-2014, 12:26 PM
Donna, this is very much what happend with my wife and I 29 years ago, when she first found out about my crossdressing. There have been many compromises on both sides since then.

Enjoy rebuilding your wardrobe and always remember it's a two way street, in any relation ship and despite many thing you might have read, trust is the key to a happy marrage.

Donnagirl
05-24-2014, 12:34 PM
Well we’ve had several talks, long, occasionally tearful, definitely emotional talks. Talks that with hindsight we should have had years ago. Talks she questioned early on why I had not told her before we got married. ( I asked if it would have made a difference which was answered with an emphatic yes – she probably would have not married me if she had known!). There was one thing, however, that was blatantly obvious, neither of us had a realistic appreciation of the other’s situation.

I was floored by her comment that, although she loved me, she hated that I crossed dressed… Her choice of word was ‘hate’. She said she wished every day that I did not do it. Wished I would stop and ‘just be a normal man’, her man, the soldier she had married. She angrily states she is not attracted to women, does not was to have a relationship with a woman. She just wants her man!!

There were a number of things that she said, questions she asked that were difficult to explain. For example, I dressed as a girl, wanted to look like a girl ergo I wanted to be a girl. If I wanted to be a girl I must therefore be gay. If I was gay, did I really love her? Could she trust me? Who else had I slept with? Had I had sex with a man!!! These doubts really troubled her… She said she didn’t really believe them but I could tell there was more than a niggling doubt, the erosion of trust which lead to her self-doubt – what had she done, or not done to make me change. Was it her fault I felt this way? Was she not good enough as a wife? She said she still had doubts in my intentions, believing that there was only on path I was following, hormones and surgery. She feared the loss, the embarrassment, the destruction of the family…

She felt really conflicted by this and explained how much she was upset having the negative feelings for me. She really loves me but hates that she physically hates a part of me… Guilt and a type of absolution was why she bought me those things.

I did not believe how I had not listened when she gave me the wig. I had been to the support group and told her all about it. I had explained about the people there from the entire spectrum, Cross dressers to the fully transitioned, all of them dressed, except me! I doubted that I would go back until I could dress the same. I had talked excitedly and it was clear the meeting was a positive for me. This was the reason for the wig, not for me to post pics online. It had come with the caveat that she did not want to see wear it. It was for me to attend the group but I had not heard or comprehended this. My actions posting the picture had really upset her.

She thought my cross dressing was a personal and free willed choice, I chose to dress and could just as easily choose not to. She ultimately decided to make that choice for me. It was her bedroom and the only female clothing there should be hers. She was very upset by my ignoring her requests, I was treating her contemptuously. Throwing away my clothes was part punitive, was part decisive and was driven by a certain amount of malice. It was her deciding for me that my cross dressing days were over.

I tried to explain that I did not choose to be who I was, cross dressing was not a simple lifestyle decision, was not something I had any control over at all. I was a compulsion, as strong desire that I found difficult to resist. It generated stress and anxiety if it was denied. It was a part of my psyche. It had always been there, will always be there and was not something I could stop or remove.
Harder was trying to explain the ‘pink fog’, the escalation in my dressing, shopping and activities the last few months had displayed. I was under dressing all the time, even at work. I seemed not to care whether there were visible signs, bra straps etc when we went out shopping, to the kids sport or visiting friends. Listening to her describing what she had seen, I cannot believe how deeply affected I was… No wonder she reacted like she had…

I am still extremely upset by the loss of so much ‘stuff’. All that remains is the few things she missed and what was in the wash. I did note that she did not throw away the items she had purchased, the wig, the boots and a jumper. I did my best to forgive her, but it was a vicious blow. She now regrets the impulsiveness of her actions but argued that it did precipitate the dialogue we were having and I should at least gain some positives from that. She did not realise the negativity of calling it just clothes!!

There was one small gain, I was wrong with the mother in law suggestion. She did talk to someone, our oldest son who appears to be quite nonchalant about the whole situation.

She has spent much of today surfing the internet, researching the statements and claims I made… I still do not know if she really believes that I’m not gay, bi or some other term I have to google to get a definition!!! She has visited the thread as a ‘guest’ and read all the posts to date. She is yet to talk about what she has read…

There was one really surprising element… She likes the picture I’m using as an avatar. She is surprised I could look like that. She actually wants it to stay!!!

So where to from here… I can definitively state the pink fog has lifted. I have had no desire to dress for days now. (Not that I have much left to dress in!). I do not even have a desire to shop for a few basic replacements. The wife has reiterated that, if I am to continue to dress, she does not want to be a part of it. She does not want to meet Donna, but she will tolerate her existence. There will be no journey together, I’m on my own! She thinks my attending the group is good for me, as is my interaction on the forum. (Posting more pics might be a step to far, but I hope that in the future, giving her the chance to view first and the ultimate power of veto might grant me permission.)

I will rebuild my wardrobe, albeit to a more limited (realistic) volume and will respect her wishes to minimise (read ‘stop’) under dressing without discussing it first. I do not want to upset her again and will make the sacrifices necessary. Divorce would for me be financial suicide, any public outing - professional suicide. I am hardly holding the proverbial high ground, I’m not fighting from a position of strength.

We both feel strongly that we can rebuild the relationship from here…

So back into the closet I go… At least I can live vicariously through you gals.

Katey888
05-24-2014, 03:11 PM
:)

Time - patience - understanding....

I wish you both well... :hugs:

Let us know how it goes...

Katey x

Marcelle
05-24-2014, 03:23 PM
HI Donna,

I wish you luck in moving forward. I sense you have accepted a tactical withdrawal and are now dug in on the reverse slope. However from this position I do think you can regain some lost ground. Go slow, communicate and perhaps someday things will unfold in a positive light.

Hugs

Isha

Jenniferathome
05-24-2014, 03:55 PM
If she is now researching, invite her here. The rest of the internet is scary place

Pat
05-27-2014, 11:26 PM
Donna -- So sorry to read this all-too-common tale. I hope you get to sneak in every now and then as well and I sincerely wish you didn't have to sneak.

Maybe CDs can be the next social movement. Think of it -- if every other man in America (America? The world!) bought new pumps -- all that money would be pumped into the economy! We'd put a new face on the makeup market! We'd skirt the clothing industry! And most of all, we'd all be comfortable being who we are. It's not like there's a downside.

------- time passes -------

Of course I go straight to the keyboard and don't read to "Conclusion." Now that I have read it, let me say this about that... You're in a better place than when the thread started, but you're still in a rough place. I hope that at some point your wife will try to reach out to Donna. Meet with the other half of the man she married.

There's an interesting bit of source material -- you may already know about it -- available on Amazon as an ebook. It's Titled "Men in Bras, Panties and Dresses: The Secret Truths about Transvestites" by Vernon Coleman. It's a report on transvestism published by the European Medical Journal. I don't know if they're legit, but it compiles the results of over 1,000 questionnaires anonymously filled in by British male cross-dressers. The stats might be of interest in your ongoing dialog.

Good luck, sweetie. Good luck to the both of you.
Jennie

ReineD
05-28-2014, 12:54 AM
I do believe that Donna's wife is here now, and has started a thread in Loved Ones. It looks positive! :)

Donnagirl
05-28-2014, 03:05 AM
ReineD, you are right... She is on the site, she is asking questions and learning all about my foibles, but more importantly so am I. The positive influence, the support, the advice, I'm quite over overwhelmed and eternally thankful...

We are going forward with strength and with the brightest of lights at the end of a now very short tunnel... I think there will only be happy news from here.

Cannot thank you all enough.

Wifeofdonna
05-28-2014, 04:36 AM
Yes, I am agreed you are wonderful help us so much. Looking good!