Lost and Confused

[skylance]

Ok, I hope I'm in the right area for this, and if not, I apologize. I would also like to apologize in advance as this may end up being a fairly lengthy post.

Right now I feel a little lost and more than a little confused about my situation. I have been cross dressing most of my life, starting around 6 or 7 years old when I discovered the joy (at least in my mind) that is wearing pantyhose. It started off with curiosity wondering what it felt like to wear them. Since then, my dressing has been on again, off again thing throughout my childhood until puberty hit and then it became more fetishistic in nature. During this time I dressed much more frequently, and was occasionally caught by my parents. (Much to my dismay, not going to go in to too much detail here.) It was also during this time that many of my fantasies involved cross dressing in one form or another up to and including complete gender reassignment.

Fast forward to now. I am currently 29 years old and married. My wife knows about my dressing and is supportive, and already knows a lot of my feelings in this particular matter. But for about the past year or so, there's been a feeling of uncertainty as to whether or not just dressing is enough.

Along with this feeling, I've also noticed a sense of jealousy, even in drab, when I see an attractive woman. I get jealous not only of the clothes she may be wearing, but also of many of the other characteristics such as her feminine shape, soft skin, breasts, etc.

Now, as far as I can tell, I'm not UNHAPPY being a man, but at the same time, I can't help if I would be happier as a woman.

As it stands right now, I have a very masculine build, and when I do dress, it's very obvious that I can't pass. I also get scared at the idea of going out in public dressed, and as such have only done so a small handful of times.

I know that seeing a therapist is really the first place I need to start, but finances are making that a bit of impossibility right now, so I thought I would ask here to see if I could get any kind of advice or if anyone else is having or has had a similar situation. If so, what do you do or have you done about it? Any advice or positive feedback in regard to this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[DonnaT]

Many of us feel that jealousy. I see women wearing items I'd love to wear, and would love to look as good as they do. I see it as a normal feeling of being a trans CDer.

However, I like being a man. No doubts in that area.

Would I be happier as a woman? Can't think of anything about being a woman that make me happier than I am now. That still doesn't stop the fantasies, but that is all they are, fantasies.

[Christen]

Hi Skylance,
Your post pretty much described my story, so very similar. I'm now 57, still crossdress but I'm totally happy with who I am. I think you'll always wonder what if, I do, but I also think you know whether your a guy who envies women to the point of imitation or whether you can't live your life as it currently is. It took me a fairly long time to accept my feelings, including a number of visits to therapists (slightly helpful). Personally, I had to learn to accept my self, my feelings, my needs and at the same time get perspective on my life. I had to understand what's really important to me and the ones I love and get the balance right. You can do it, but it can take some time. Oh, and expect some tough moments along the way, but always be true to yourself.

Christen x

[Katey888]

First thing - you're in the right place, for all sorts of reasons... :)

I think a therapist or counsellor is a great idea, but also understand if it's not practical financially - however, have you tried to find out if there are any charitable TG services available close by or even nearest major city? There may be some level of help you can get access to without it costing a fortune...

It's great that you have a supportive and understanding wife - that's a big bonus, so do keep sharing things with her. The feelings you describe, I don't think are unusual, and don't necessarily point towards anything approaching TS. PaulaQ made a really good point on my recent thread (here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?214099-Am-I-an-Immaterial-Girl%85&p=3514795&highlight=#post3514795) about 'telltale signs' - I think many of us will have had those fantasies because they are fantasies - they are without substance or commitment... I've also felt being envious of women, but it doesn't mean I necessarily want to go further than just dressing and makeup. I feel envy of all sorts of folk for all sorts of reasons (that's probably my upbringing talking) - but it doesn't mean you act on envy or fantasies... So don't worry too much! :)

The development you describe could apply to many of us here who are still fully male; husbands, fathers, grandfathers! We probably get even more envious as we get older... :lol:

We all go through the lost and confused phase, multiple times and even now it drives me nuts! But it should pass - just Keep Calm & Carry On! :hugs:

Katey x

[stefan37]

Start to express yourself more openly. See how comfortable you feel. Own what you are doing and have confidence in yourself. People may think you strange. So what! The sun will still rise and set and life will go on. You are married and you say your wife is supportive. More often than not that will change as you start to feminize. Seek out some support groups. Talk to the different members, and get their perspective.

It all about comfort zone and to find that balance we must push those barriers only to have a new set thrown in front of us.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Only thing I can suggest is play those roles out in your head as honestly as you can. What would it feel like to have different genitals? How do I feel about laying down with a man? Could I enjoy a Lesbian relationship? Would I prefer to look like a woman but with male genitals? Do I just want more "feminine" characteristics?

I like where I have gone lately, my skin is softer, my body hair is somewhat under control, but I would love to able to Laser, Electrolysis, or even full waxing. I wear skirts around the house, often stockings, I'm experimenting with different clothing options, I'm getting out more dressed that way. I will getting a manicure soon, and plan to wear sandals in public. All these things are me getting comfortable with my "dressing" but I don't actually even want to try to pass, or wear full women's clothing, I’m happy just changing the tone(?) of my outward appearance. I don't want to be female, or look like a female, but I want some of what females are allowed, and encouraged to do. i.e. "Display" themselves in a body aware manner. No orientation towards males sexually, no wish to lose the genitals I have, just a different way of showing me.

I came to this after trying in my head to dig down into motivations, it's been an interesting journey, but not always comfortable, continually confronting stereotypes, others and my own, it can be very hard to get past, "that's what we do, it's always been that way"

Good luck on your journey, don't just jump into major diversions of your lifestyle, and pay close attention to changes in the way this can affect your behaviour, and if necessary, keep your wife informed as to what you're doing. ( that is, don't leave her hanging and wondering what is going on )

[Confucius]

I think many of us have gotten lost in a pink fog, and then had to come back to earth. Sometimes it seems as if women get all the better things in life, and at those times we need to find the good things about being a man. Yes, there are many things about being a man that I treasure. On top of the list: I am heterosexual, and I love women. I love everything about women, and I want them to love me back. I want to protect them, provide for them, and feel like a hero when my wife gets frightened by an insect (I'll squash him and be a hero). I like talking about sports. I like the rush of testosterone when vanquishing evil on video games.

Perhaps you should investigate the case of Charles Kane, and learn to relish your masculine side: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1327554/Charles-Kane-sex-change--hated-Samantha-man-Now-hes-getting-married-So-fiancee-crazy.html

[Beverley Sims]

There are many here with similar feelings that you experience.
You have done it for 20 odd years without help and maybe you don't need a therapist.
Be happy with what you have use your imagination and work around the masculine build.
Admire women from afar, I always do, and keep the support of your wife.
That is the biggie. Just don't stretch the limits or overdo it.
I think you will remain happy once you realise your boundaries.

[Teresa]

Hi Skylance,
Try not to dwell on it too much you have a female side that you know wants some time you just have to try and balance it !
I know at your age I had so much going on that Cding was there but time was so precious I had very few opportunities, certainly no time for full dressing and makeup.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi SkyLance, One of the hardest things is going to a fancy wedding in a suit and tie and watching all of the beautiful dresses and gowns
wearing Hi-Heels and lovely hair.

[Farrah]

I think we all feel that "jealousy" sometimes. I work in a woman dominated profession, and as you can imagine, I'm bombarded daily with cute outfits, I would love to wear or at least tell them how cute it is! If you feel strongly about transition, I think counseling would/should be your next option. As for me, I happy with being an male and being able to "critique" as well as admire the women at my job! :)