Sexual fantasies,thoughts, etc...

[DanielleInMI]

I hope this question or topic isn't breaking the rules, but this has puzzled. I'm still not quite sure how I identify yet, or maybe I do and just don't want to face it because I'm scared of losing my wife, job, etc...

Whenever I make love to my wife anymore, I can't seem to orgasm unless I am fantasizing that I am a woman. All of my sexual fantasies are as a woman, or at the minimum a pre-op ts. I know that I have read that even cis-men have fantasies of being women on occasion, and I am sure that a lot of crossdressers do to. But the fact that I don't have any fantasies as a man any more, be more indicative of being TS than CD, or am I just a just a confused mess.

Thanks.

[whowhatwhen]

People have every kink under the sun and that's perfectly fine, I'd be wary of using fantasies as a diagnostic tool though.
If you're worried about it you can talk to a therapist.

:)

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Danielle, welcome to the TS forums. I agree with whowhatwhen that fantasies are not enough to decide what your true gender is.

Whether or not your are TS, I would encourage you to seek out a reputable Gender Therapist to help you to ask yourself the right questions.

[I Am Paula]

I don't know whether it proves anything about your place in the gender spectrum, but it certainly seems common.
As my GD progressed, I found that fantasy about the only way I could have sex. It was disconcerting, and certainly not something one would talk about with their partner. When I began thinking about transition I developed a hatred for parts I had, and a jealousy about parts I didn't. Luckily, T blockers made me lose any desire for sex of any type, and that suits me fine.

[Dianne S]

I have those fantasies too, but I don't think they are necessarily an indication of being TS.

On the other hand, my gut tells me that those who do not fantasize about being the opposite sex are probably not TS because the whole point of gender dysphoria is a longing to have the body of the opposite sex.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Me too.. I had them my whole life and I thought that meant I was a "crossdresser"...over many years my distress about them increased but in my 40's my overall distress over my gender also increased and I realized that I had been running away from my true nature...

These fantasies really don't mean anything unless you are feeling distress in your life over your gender and its a good time to find a therapist and get professional help to hopefully help with your confusion.

[Frances]

I'm like Kaitlyn on this. I thought it meant I was NOT transsexual. It took me a lot of time and therapy to understand it, as it related to my life and my gender. It's part symptomatic, part diversionary. I don't think it is ever the cause of transsexuality, regardless what B, B and L have posited. At best, it's concomitant. The important thing is figuring out what it means to you.

[DeeDee1974]

For me fantasizing that I was the woman was the only way I could get excited enough to be with my ex-wife. I also was fantasizing that I was with a man. I never considered my self gay and all my fantasies were of heterosexual sex. Once transition started I didn't need to fantasize anymore, but it also put what little sex life my ex and I had to an end. The one thing I was not was a lesbian.

Only a therapist can help you decide if you are TS and there was a lot more that led my therapist to believe I was TS than my fantasies.

[KellyJameson]

It is difficult to know how much of it is biology and how much is psychology.

I do think many of the instinctual drives are determined while in the womb, as that part of nature we share with other animals.

I was never comfortable with sex and it is clear to me now that the male instinct for it was absent in me so I was consciously trying to force myself to be what I was not.

It felt like I was trying to bend my brain.

My movement toward woman was not because they were different from me but because I was comfortable from them being so much like me so "familiar" to me where I understood them at the deepest levels.

I know now this comes out of the structure of my brain and the chemistry that has largely created it, which determined how I related to others.

There was no shame,guilt or fear related to sex for me but purely trying to do something I was not designed to do.

I cannot imagine a transsexual not struggling with sex or at the very least needing to find ways that step out of traditional sex roles that nature created for reproduction.

Sex is as much a social act as a biological one. This entangles the biology with the psychology of relationships.

Because we are social creatures, great importance is placed on social relationships and this starts at birth with our dependence on others to sustain our life.

Many dark behaviors can come out of this dependency, particularly when we have been exposed to abuse, exploitation, degradation or anything else that rejects our essence.

Look toward your history for any signs of sexual abuse or incest, including emotional incest.

You want to be sure outside forces have not damaged your sexuality by what was done to you.

You want to be sure that your identity as a woman is not a reaction to self loathing as a man because of how you have been treated by others or the culture you find yourself living in.

The negative circumstances of life could cause a person to pull away from the natural expression of their sexuality out of guilt, shame or an obsessive need to criticize the self.

Try to watch your internal self talk to gain insight into the state of your mind and follow through your mind the bread crumbs that will lead to the source of this negative self talk.

I have always kept a journal and a small pad to write my thoughts down as they flash through my mind, particularly the negative thoughts.

If you did not have difficulty in the past with your sexuality than perhaps something has changed.

This may be the naturally occuring problems of aging and not identity as the testosterone levels drop and you feel your sexuality leaving you.

You may be acting out of anxiety and looking for ways to "trick your mind" but this anxiety may have nothing to do with being a woman as much as it is fearing you are no longer a man.

Both men and women, in their own ways, tie their sexuality to their gender so feel a loss of identity when something threatens their sexuality, creating the potential for an identity crisis.

I personally would never encourage anyone to transition who has not struggled throughout their life with gender identity issues.

I believe the shock to the brain will be so great that the mind will not survive it.

There are many ways to experience an identity crisis that have nothing to do with being born misaligned with your body but it is becoming increasingly easy to use that as the reason and diagnosis.

I think this is particularly true for men because their sexuality is so strongly tied to fantasy so they fantasize themselves into an identity that is not actually natural for them to live.

When you transition you are placing your life on the line, not only from the surgery but the unknown longterm affects of the hormones along with the hightened risk of being targeted for violence.

A transsexual does not receive the same social protections that a cis-gender woman does and many people think they deserve the violence when it happens to them.

You will being stepping into a world of hate similar to the hate usually reserved for minorities.

Don't allow your mind to make it into a fantasy even for a moment.

[StephanieC]

Gee...its been years. But when we did, I don't recall fantasizing.

[DanielleInMI]

I am actually seeing a therapist right now. But as I am sure many of you are aware a therapist wouldn't answer that question with a definitive answer, due to not wanting to persuade me one way or another. Which is why I asked here. I definitely have gender issues, I have had all my life. When I was a young boy I wished that I was a girl. I remember when I first heard of a "sex change operation" (when I was around 8 or so back in the 70's) I remember thinking to myself that is what I wanted to do when I was old enough. So I'm pretty confident that the "fantasies" are not the cause of any gender dysphoria, but the other way around. I do crossdress, but it is not for sexual satisfaction. It doesn't arouse me. I feel happy when I can feel like a woman. I don't care about makeup really, I think it's a huge PITA, but it does accomplish the goal of softening my appearance. I'm just trying to figure out where I lay on the spectrum.