Confession and triumph

[RachelCross]

Hello all,
Confession: I haven't been on the sight for a little while. I have to confess that I had a purge about a month ago and refused to get on the sight or do anything girly. My decision to purge came out of emotion, embarrassment mostly and I was the only one there!! I live out a little bit so walking around my backyard is something I can do without worry (unless a drone flies over or something like that. :) ) Anyway, I was wearing my heels and slipped and fell. Wig, clothes shoes all in disarray and it happened in front of my sliding glass door. I sat on the ground accessing the damage (worse thing was a giant scratch on my shoes!!) I looked up and saw my reflection and all I saw was a man in a dress looking foolish! All the BS society throws at us as men came back and I immediately purged, determined to forever be a manly man. I looked in the mirror and said goodbye to Rachel and that was it, as far as I was concerned. That lasted for about a week, then I saw a woman in an amazing outfit one day, a pair gorgeous heels the next and I had to face myself all over again. I struggle with my femininity because I am married with kids who have no clue that Rachel exists. If I were single I like to believe this would be easier to work through, but I have the expectations of three people I love dearly and would rather die than lose them. However, and dammit that however is always there, when I am only my male self I feel incomplete. On one hand I am lying to my family if I embrace Rachel, on the other I am lying to myself if I think I can live without her. I see that now. Rachel is a part of who I am. She's in my DNA. So, with a new stash I am embracing Rachel again.

Triumph (maybe too strong of a word but oh well):
I did learn a few things. 1. If the urge to purge comes again, store the stuff away for a year first, DON'T THROW IT ALL AWAY!! :) My rule with my drab clothes is, if I don't use it in a year, out it goes. So, if I store it away and a year passes without need of it, THEN throw it all away. 2. During this whole process I decided to approach my look a bit differently and have stumbled upon my look. I have naturally brown hair so that is the wig color I went with without finding anything I adored. This time I went blond and who knew Rachel was a beautiful blond!!! I more than adore it, I love it. I also figured out the right color for lipstick AND I have my eye makeup down pat (major discouragement for me before). To be honest I rarely put on makeup because I couldn't get these things right but now I look forward to it. I never dreamed of posting pics on here but I plan to soon. So, is this a "triumph" I don't know but I have fallen in love with Rachel through this process if that makes any sense at all. I know some of you have no clue about what I went through but I know some have. I felt the need to share this in case someone is struggling.

Kisses,
Rachel

[Julie Denier]

Welcome back, Rachel! So many of us here go through similar soul-searching. Hope we can offer some advice and support ;)

[Jaylyn]

I relate to your first part about the family finding out. I have often had worries about that. My wife knows and excepts, even helps me dress and we enjoy our play times with it. My kids would probably have a fit. I for one would hate it if the Grandkids found out. On the other hand I feel from time to time I need some Jaylyn time. I have not purged in a long time since my wife knows. She knows what to do with all my pretty clothes and makeup if something happens to me.... Now I worry about what if we both go together.... Well I finally decided I have to have and need a little Jaylyn time more than being afraid of what my family might think after I'm dead. I live out in the country so I pretty much know if we are having company and so my time outside is limited. I have though worried that what if I slipped and fell all dressed up outside. Guess no matter how hurt I would be I'd just crawl in to get get the makeup and heels off.... Now I thought what if I got rattlesnake bit? Oh well guess I'll worry about that if it happens.... Enjoyed your story Rachel and can relate.... Thanks for sharing.

[Katey888]

Nice of you to share, Rachel - and great that you feel it was a learning experience too. :cheer:

If I was feeling mean I might point out the number of times you can find advice on the forum about purging and storing rather than trashing... but you know that now... so all good! :)

The Big Thing here is how you feel about yourself - some of us have certainly had those moments of self-doubt: I have... Big time! But what we always seem to come back to is this totally inexplicable need to do it... and that the power of that need is beyond resistance...

And I do also think that we should be prepared to experiment with hair colour - we can; so why shouldn't we? Most of us won't be under the same pressure a GG is from the need to be reasonably consistent over time, so go for change, I say!

So perhaps someday soon you might be prepared to share Rachel the beautiful blonde with us...? ;)

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

i am glad to see you have learned through your experiences.

All the drones I know sit around in a big circle in a big house with a dome.

D.C. power springs to mind here. :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Rachel.

Sorry to hear about your fall (luckily nothing but a bruised ego and a scratched shoe). I understand your epiphany when you looked in the window glass and saw a man . . . I think we all struggle with that from time to time . . . wanting to see the girl only to see the guy looking back. I find if I look past the guy and look at the internal vice the internal both Isha and boy me are staring back and that always helps keep me going.

Yeah the old purge urge can be a bit of a bummer (never experienced it myself but am learning from others). Welcome back and hopefully in your case "blondes will have more fun".

Hugs

Isha

[hope springs]

You are not alone. What i feel inside and what i see in the mirror are radically different. So on occasion when i do look in the mirror while en femme i say a few encouraging words to myself and move about my day. I sometimes struggle with my masculine side while en femme. Its just part od CD for me. In the end i know my feminine side has been extremely helpful to my overall sense of self and well being. So i accept the struggles and embrace my femme whenever i can. Dont doubt yourself

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rachel, That can be an expensive lesson. This is like the Mafia you just can't quit.

[RachelCross]

Thanks for your replies, you are all very sweet. It was an expensive lesson but the hardest ones stick with you the longest. But it did give me an excuse to go shopping again! :)

[Adriana Moretti]

the mirror can be your best friend..and sometimes your worst enemy...i think alot of us have done the same thing at least once..

Mirror in the bathroom
I just can't stop it,
Every Saturday you see me
window shopping.
Find no interest in the
racks and shelves
Just a thousand reflections
of my own sweet self, self, self...