Coming out to my wife's gay bff....Any advice?

[Danielle Austin]

So recently I've really been wanting to 'come out' as a cross dresser / transgender to somebody other than my wife and my therapist......and all you wonderful ladies:)

I told my wife about crossdressing 5 years ago, 16 years into our relationship. This was about a week after I discovered this forum and figured out there wasn't anything 'wrong' me me, but rather this was just part of myself. My wife did not react well and we've been in essentially in DADT mode ever since. I have never fully dressed (wig, makeup, forms) in front of her. She has never expressed any hint of a supportive environment for these activities.

Over the past few years, I have become more at peace with my gender identity and find some general comfort in generally appearing metrosexual. My wife tolerates this and small acknowledgements of my feminine side such as hairless legs, women's 'boy short' underwear under my clothes. I try really hard to stay in the middle, definitely not a manly man, but not frilly girl either. I'm pretty sure that I pass 100% as a gay man, which is ironic since I'm not interested in men sexually and I have a difficult time relating to other men in general.

I have multiple female friends from our neighborhood or from yoga. I've often thought about opening up to a couple of them. Unfortunately, I am terrified about building a close friendship and emotional attachment to another woman at a time when my wife and I are struggling so hard to find any emotional and physical connections.

I realize that my wife has a much better support network of friends than I....co-workers, longtime girlfriends, book club, and even her gay boyfriend. I honestly don't know if she has shared my gender identity with any of these people, and I guess I don't really care. What I know is that I need to talk to somebody else.

So I'm coming out to her gay boyfriend. While sexuality and gender are different things, I keep thinking that there may be some real utility in talking to somebody who had also struggled with keeping a full expression of himself secret for so long. Since he is already a family friend, I also wonder if he may be able to help build back some emotional bridges in my marriage.

Has anybody been in a similar situation? Any worlds of wisdom are much appreciated. It seems easy enough, but I'm terrified nevertheless.

[flatlander_48]

Just remember that you cannot unring a bell. Consider what negative reactions you might get, however unlikely...

[ronny0]

Why in the world would you want to come out to "Your Wife's Friend"!
If your wife is not 100% supportive, then I am sure she doesn't want her friends knowing / involved.
Don't try to get one of her friends to support you, this could blow up in your face etc etc etc.

>> If you want to tell some one new, pick one of "Your Friends". <<

[Jaylyn]

I'm with the others what business is it of any one else if you CD, really could be a problem if he can't build back any emotional bonds in the family. Would be better to make some friends on here and confide in the good sisters on here. Just my opinion.

[Dana921]

I really think you should seek out a Transgender support group in your area! They will be able to relate to you more and the path / challenges you are on or facing. The gay friend, as helpful and well intentioned as he may be will simply be limited and his perspective will probably /could be from your wife's point of view. So, not knowing him, I would hesitate to use him as a resource. Also, really ask yourself, WHY do I have to reach out to someone in person? For me, I needed to do that to move along in my journey, but I also accepted that my life would forever be changed by the loss of family / friends with the hope to find new ones. Don't just do it because it is currently exciting!

[Beverley Sims]

I am a little confused here, I assume you don't have a relationship with your wife at all but she now has a gay boyfriend.

Why even bother sharing with him or are you all very liberal in your thinking.

Just as long as no one cross-dresses.

[Chari]

IMO it is not the thing to do - "telling your wife's bff" about your CD issues! That business should be between YOU & YOUR WIFE!! If you decide to tell anyone, be certain it is neutral party, not someone that is more friendly with one side or the other, as you will put them in the middle to choose between you or your wife. Enjoy.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Danielle, Be careful what you wish for as it could come back to bite you in the @$$.

[Katey888]

Danielle (lovely name, btw :)) - WHY? :facepalm:

Why do think you 'just' want to come out to somebody other than your wife, therapist and the thousands of us here...? Serious question...

Have you sat down and thought about what your motives are for wanting to do this? If you haven't, you might try... :)

Then - and only if you think you may have a valid motive - think about the damage this gay bf of your wife may do if he reacts badly... :eek:

It strikes me you may be looking for direct validation of what you do and how you are, that you have not got from your wife... but I think you're making a big assumption about your wife's bf.. while I'm sure there are some understanding gay folk, there are also examples of those that are dead against what we do... you're placing an awful lot of faith in a third party and for why...? I think you really need to answer that question first and then think through the consequences...

Take your time - thanks for sharing it with us all.. :hugs:

Katey x

[kimdl93]

I think if you must come out, it should be to your own friends, not your wife's.

[Sabrina133]

I agree with all...why come out to anyone just to come out and to your wife's friend? There can be nothing good in this. Your wife will resent it and you for having done so. Your assumption that her friend will accept just because he is gay is quite the reach. In my experience (and it is extensive to include a LTR with a gay man that ended very badly), gay men are not the most tolerant of CDs.

Be very careful and consider all the pitflass before you cross that line.

If you do decide to proceed...good luck.

Hugs
Bree

[noeleena]

Hi.

If there is issues now between the both of you then there'll be many more by going to your wifes friends and behind her back, you need to sort out your issues between you before any one else is brought in to the mix.

you may think sexuality and gender are seperated are they , its the whole person thats at stake here not a miner detail in you and your wifes, case that you can just open a little bit ,

Trust me it'll be about all of your life and partner that needs to be looked at, between the two of you is there any.... trust..... left, work on that first before the gate is opened, to others,

...noeleena...

[Shelly Preston]

You need to think this through properly.

Why would you chose your wife's friend. I assume you are hoping he will accept and talk your wife which might help. This is a big gamble.

Will he be accepting ?
will he keep it a secret ?
Will he tell your wife he knows ?
What will her reaction be if she finds out you told her friend without letting her know you intended to do this. ?

I would suggest you need to find someone you trust or a support group.
please don't chose someone your wife knows especially if your are in a DADT position.