Fear and Transition.

[tina99]

Mark Twain once said, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."

My fears about transitioning were often much like "Those troubles that never happened." I always assumed the worst from people during my transition, but they often surprised me, and were often more supportive or indifferent than I expected.

I've noticed that many transwomen are constantly worried that people are looking at them. I never noticed whether people were looking at me or not. As long as they didn't verbally or physically threaten me, then they could look all they wanted. If guys hit on me, I usually took it as a complement, and gently brushed them off.

I worked as a background actress (an extra) in Hollywood for a few months several years ago. Almost none of the employees apparently had any idea that I am transsexual. However, one of the other background actresses did stage whisper to her friend, "That's a man." It hurt.

There were other incidents like that as well, although not at work. I'm naturally very emotionally sensitive, and try not to hurt others' feelings. But I learned that if I was going to transition I had to develop a thicker skin. So I did, and things like that don't bother me like they once did.

My post entitled "Do I Hate Being Trans?" (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?214089-pressing-forward&p=3518266#post3518266) in the Pressing Forward thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?214089-pressing-forward) may make it sound as though my transition was a walk in the park. It wasn't. I did have an easier transition than some transwomen because of my physical attributes (i.e. genetic luck), and because I have never been married and am retired, though.

However, my transition was - and to some extent still is - an emotional roller coaster ride. It is also, at times, emotionally and physically painful. But not from hormones - I had very few side effects or emotional changes from them. Electrolysis, and in the near future, surgery, are not pain free, and dealing with government agencies, insurance companies, and other bureaucracies are often less than enjoyable.

I've known that I was transsexual since I was very young, and thought many nights, before going to sleep, that if I woke up a girl, I would not be disappointed. In other words, I was an Early Onset Transsexual.

If you are unsure about whether you are really transsexual (or maybe more than "just" a crossdresser), find a therapist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues. If you have fears, talk to a therapist about them. They can help you stop "chasing your tail," worrying over and over about what would happen if you transitioned, but never finding any answers.

The hardest part of my transition was dealing with all the "What If" scenarios that I worried about, most of which never happened.
___

What have others' fears been about transitioning?

How have you dealt with those fears? Did you find some of them to be unfounded? Did counseling help you to overcome them? What have you done to try to bury your transsexual feelings? Have you ever delayed or stopped your transition because of them? What can you tell others who are afraid to transition because of their fears?

[Suzanne F]

I am fearful but have come along way in a short time. I am more fearful for my wife than I am for myself. She sees no reward while I see freedom. I no longer fear peoples reactions while out since I have done and gone almost anywhere I wanted at this point. It will be a little scary when I make the final plunge and come out to everyone I already know. I go to 12 step meetings in San Francisco now. However not everyone knows in my circle if friends here in the small city in the North Bay. My wife has asked me to wait so I have not been seen by everyone there. However I am really looking forward to letting go and walking in as Suzanne. I have never had any surgeries so SRS scares me but that isn't something I have to decide today.
Suzanne

[Leah Lynn]

I gave a copy of True Selves: to my mother last September, when I started HRT. I plan to start RLE and do the name/sex change then as well. I may be doing it in place and that scares me a bit. My two superiors (as if!) have made many jokes about "fags" and the "fags that dress up". In Iowa, there are laws to protect me, but I'm sure they'll try to make my life a living hell. As if this should be any different from the rest of my life...

Leah

[Michelle789]

We were talking about this today at trans group at church, and one of the girls there said "be prepared to lose everything, and when you don't you won't be so disappointed." And also we shouldn't dwell on losing things - it only creates more misery. I believe it's important to be aware of the fact that bad things can happen, but to focus on the good in life, and we'll be happier and attract more good into our lives.

[KellyJameson]

Some fear is programmed into you by others.

I grew up in a very intolerant WASP family that is very status orientated.

I was not allowed to have friends that were not of the same skin color, let alone who were not heterosexual.

I was an outsider living on the inside so became very secretive while doubting my own mind as to what I am and what is best for me.

It was very difficult to break free from this.

Another problem was how transsexuals were always shown in the media.

Usually some type of mental illness or immorality is at a minimum inferred.

The gender binary is ruthlessly enforced in western "civilization" so you must become comfortable being a gender outlaw.

I was already feeling like such an outsider that becoming an outlaw was not something psychologically I was prepared to do.

To transition you can ill afford to do it while rejecting yourself but paradoxically it is a form of rejection.

Transitioning is acceptance but everything conspires to make you think it is not.

The practicalities of transitioning certainly come with practical fears but for me it was the fear weaved into my mind from my constant questioning that largely came out of the turmoil of feeling "wrong" for being what I am and doing something about it.

Seeing it as a medical procedure is useful because it takes the "you" out of it but I had to first accept myself the way I was before I could than shed my outer skin completely.

I had to be sure I was doing it for me and before that could happen I had to understand the reasons I had refused to in the past as "my fears" and "programming"

I had to go through a type of inner detox, which lessened my fears making them more manageable

I cannot exactly say what the fears were because there were so many and they were all entangled up with each other.

The outside changed with the inside and the inside changed with the outside.

It really reminds me of the metamorphosis that a Caterpillar goes through to become a Butterfly.

It is a total transformation that touches every aspect of your life inside and out.

I transitioned "out of the fear, leaving it behind" as much as "out of my body" and into the life and body meant for me.

[Angela Campbell]

I had huge fears. Almost too much to handle. I faced them, I did the hard things. I found my fears were just that. Fear.

Will things go perfect? No. But they may turn out good, or even better than you ever imagined. Plan it out. Do the hard work. Ask questions. Be stronger than the fear.

[aussie24tg]

I was not so much afraid coming out cause I got to the point that I knew what to expect.
As in living around society it is hard for me I guess cause I have a fear in general on people (if I go to shops or anywhere out of the house it takes me 20 min to get the motivation to get out of the car)

I was talking to my job agency about it and they asked even though you have known us for 3 years you are still shy around us? I said heck yes.
I can't wear heels cause got a issue with my left foot though I don't feel I have a need to wear them cause I'm tall but as much as I'd love to wear a skirt or a dress
I get scared of people mainly looking at me or I think they are looking at me.. Even though I been fulltime for 7 years now.

I don't get called names anymore but another reason why I'm scared of people is one guy I met tried to rape me like a year ago so I am very touchy around men..

[Rianna Humble]

Alisha, I'm so very sorry you had to experience that - no-one deserves to be raped, I hope they got the B****** who tried to do it to you.

Is there anyone near you who can help you to overcome this debilitating fear?

[Rachel Smith]

But the hardest part of my transition was dealing with all the "What If" scenarios that I worried about, most of which never happened.
___

What have others' fears been about transitioning?

How have you dealt with those fears? Did you find some of them to be unfounded? Did counseling help you to overcome them? What have you done to try to bury your transsexual feelings? Have you ever delayed or stopped your transition because of them? What can you tell others who are afraid to transition because of their fears?

I was not so much worried about losing everything but rather everyone. Either way the fear was still unfounded. I have lost only two, my step-daughter and granddaughter. Though we desire not to lose anyone it will happen but that is not my problem. That is on them. Now my biggest fear is not being able to grow a pair of "B" breasts, lol. After 1.5 years of HRT that has not been unfounded.

I dealt with my fears by steadily moving forward one inch at a time.

Not only were some of them unfounded but they were all unfounded and just in my mind.

Counseling helped immensely. It taught me to put me first and my true happiness is paramount in MY life. I feel in general a lot of TS people need to learn that as we tend to put others feelings before our own. In general people are more accepting then you think and if they are truly your friends they will be more concerned about your well being then anything else. People are gonna talk, no doubt about that, but when you are secure in yourself it will not bother you. Your fears for the most part will be unfounded and mostly just that fear.

Got married. Tried to act like a man even though I knew I didn't fit in that world and it was all an act. Being feminine always came naturally to me. I had to work at being a male. Suicide.

No, once I started there was no stopping. Every step I took made me feel more complete and natural than in my entire prior 57 years.

Go slowly and remember before you come out to anyone make sure it is what YOU want. Though I didn't stop remember you CAN stop at anytime if you find it doesn't fit you as long as you haven't told anyone save for you therapist.

[I Am Paula]

All the fear came before the day I decided I had to transition now! As soon as I began, one day at a time, the fear flowed out of me. It did not take long at all.

I tried to bury my GD for fifty something years. I created this male persona that sometimes even fooled my spouse, and parents. Unfortunately, this did little about the feeling I knew always lurked there. It just made others see what they wanted to see.

Once the ball was rolling, I could never stop transition. It only took moments to realize this was right.

If someone is afraid to transition, IMHO, they are not ready. It is the opposite. Wait until the fear is so great that the need to escape it forces you into transition.

My 0.02 cents

[dreamer_2.0]

What have others' fears been about transitioning?

How have you dealt with those fears? Did you find some of them to be unfounded? Did counseling help you to overcome them? What have you done to try to bury your transsexual feelings? Have you ever delayed or stopped your transition because of them? What can you tell others who are afraid to transition because of their fears?

There are certainly a lot of "what if" scenarios with me, most of which are probably similar to everyone else. What if I ruin my life? What if HRT doesn't do much and I can't pass? What if I can't afford important procedures? What if I'm not accepted and end up being alone forever? What if I can't figure out make-up or how to dress? ...Some of these aren't as important as others. haha

I'm also scared of harassment, being laughed at, called names, etc. Sticks and stones, yes, but having not developed a thick shell and being hyper-sensitive to what other people are thinking this stuff is quite hurtful.

It's scary to think that some of this may come from people I know such as colleagues, maybe even family.

I'm also scared of coming out to people. I'm embarrassed, ashamed even, of what I am so I'm quite scared of revealing my cards to the world.

I'm scared that all this is a ridiculous fantasy that's gotten out of control. Scared that I did this to myself as young kid without realizing it.

No I haven't dealt with these issues yet. It's a huge struggle because I've grown so apathetic towards life and suffer from thinking "why bother?" far too much. I recognize life will not get better until I do but, again, why bother? I'm approaching my start date for HRT, finally pursuing the biggest dream of my life, yet I still find myself stuck. Why bother?

What have I done to try and bury the TS feelings? Ignored them, pushed them to the back of my mind hoping they'd go away but the GD is always there. Some days better than others, but it never goes away. I stopped trying to date because I was scared of revealing myself to another girl. Plus I'm not "manly" enough to go pick up women. I'm tired of being the guy. I believe my transition was significantly delayed. If I had the courage to talk to my parents about it sooner I could have perhaps started in my teens...or at least before I started going bald. Mind you, my parents wouldn't have supported it so chances are I probably wouldn't have started in my teens anyway.

I'm hoping HRT helps light a massive fire under my ass, maybe I'll learn to love life once again.

[Michelle789]

Dreamer,

I'm finding that as I present out in the real world more that I am starting to get more comfortable. I'm now comfortable with the most important thing, and what was once the biggest obstacle, getting out my front door and walking past neighbors to get to my car. This used to terrify me. Now I can walk through my own apartment building like I own it. I am getting more comfortable with going to the supermarket, drug store, convenient store, Target, clothes shopping, doing laundry (in my apartment building's public laundry room), going for a walk, en femme. I feel more comfortable in safe situations around known friends. I still feel uncomfortable when I go into new situations, especially if outside the LGBT community. But I find that if I try going to an uncomfortable situation, then when I get to be in a safe situation I feel 10x more comfortable.

As for getting misgendered, I find that I get either ma'am or miss, or no ma'am or sir at all. Then again, I see many SA's in California give neither a ma'am nor sir to anyone, and I notice this too when I'm both dressed as a girl and as a guy. The few times I've been sir'ed have been after I opened my mouth and started talking, once was at a travel meetup where it was mainly cis-gendered people.

The two worst things that happened to me were both within the LGBT community.

1. At dinner after a TG support group, I got called a "tech guy" by one of the girls, although I haven't seen her since that night 3 months ago. She also had a trannier than though attitude and implied that she didn't believe I was really trans. I think she was jealous of me, as she started ooing and ahing over my hair and outfit, and she who was 5 foot 9 said she wishes she was 6 foot tall (my height). I try not to brag about anything, because we're all human and we all have flaws, and I don't pretend to be miss perfect or miss 100% passable. I just pay attention to when I get clocked and see why I got clocked and what I can do to improve my presentation (hint hint, my voice).

2. At a Memorial Day picnic yesterday with church, a gay man starts asking me questions about being transgender. I volunteered because I really wanted to educate him. The first thing he asked me was about my genitals, which I was not surprised about. I told him that you should never ask a trans person about their genitals. We were talking more, than he asks me about how I feel wearing women's clothes because of my size. I'm 6 foot tall, 185 pounds. Actually I find plenty of stylish women's clothes and cute shoes that fit me. But he then proceeded to say "you're a big guy". I then told him that you should never call me a guy. That ended the conversation. I guess I learned the hard way that I will never try to educate anyone about being trans again at a party. Privately, yes. I will send them links to information about being trans. But not at a party.

I too tend to car WAY too much what others think, and I am starting to grow my thick skin. I'm starting by saying "screw the fashion police" and by "just being me" and not worrying whether I'm behaving "not feminine enough" - really it's okay for girls to be outgoing, quiet, assertive, passive, as long as you're calm and confident about it.

I still have to talk with my therapist about hormones, and am not out at work. I live as a woman nights and weekends now. I am off all this week for my birthday, and am living it fully as a girl.

Do I have a long way to go? Yes. Have I come a long way from Sept. 2 when I joined the forum? Yes.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you have come a long way!! that's the exact right way to look at it..

many of the things you describe (and dreamer too) are exactly how it played out for me... i got groped once talking to a "curious" couple...i hated walking out to my driveway....i was desperately afraid that i was living a pumped up crazy fantasy...fear was central to my experience

in the end it helped me to focus on the prize.... not womanhood...but an authentic feeling of self... that's the prize and everyone deserves at a minimum to feel like they are true and alive..and don't let anybody else tell you anything different.

[becky77]

.but an authentic feeling of self...

Yes that's it, being yourself rather than trying to be who you think you should be.

I shared all those fears, of course otherwise I wouldn't have left it till nearly 40. However now I am past them new fears take there place.
My two main fears now are work, I'm so scared about this, I know it has to happen and I think I can cope with any stigma or issued. It's the fear of a) coming out, that first day (but I'm aware that will be over pretty soon) but b) the longer term effect, possibly being carefully pushed out, getting other jobs. I know two TS that can't get a job.
It feels like I'm gambling my house on this, which I'm going to do anyway but it doesn't stop the worrying.
The other fear is a small voice in my head that every now and then says "what if your wrong!" "Maybe your deluded and making a big mistake".
In my heart and how it feels I know its right, but can't shake off the doubt.