Coming Out Horror Stories

[Maureen]

Hello:

While my wife, a few transformation artists, and a handful of retail workers and strangers know of my transgender nature, I am afraid I am heading down a path obscured by the dreaded "Pink Fog" and I need a reality check before I potentially ruin my life. I want to come out. I want to start HRT. I want to transition. I did therapy several years ago and stopped when the therapist offered to write me a letter for HRT. I was convinced I was a crossdresser at that time.
Before I do something stupid, I could really use some true horror stories about transitioning gone bad. The losses, the problems, and the regrets. As terrible as this probably sounds to all of you, I need this to see whether I am overlooking the emotional and social costs of this possible path.
I apologize in advance if this request offends any of you.

[Jaclyn]

I don't have any horror stories to tell you. But the one piece of advice I see here that I use is think of the worst that could happen and decide if you can handle. that happening.

[stefan37]

I think you may find that those of us that needed to transition. The positives overshadow the negatives in spite of the losses. If you are looking to an internet forum to influence wether you should transition or not. The answer would be you are not ready!

[kimdl93]

This is really illogical. Think instead of your life, what you realistically risk and what realistically you can gain, then make your own choice.

[Rachelakld]

Sorry, no horror stories but would ask 1 question of your life story.

When you die (and we all do), what do you want your life to "Mean" in 1 sentence?

For me, probably "best dad ever and best husband ever", I would die happy with that

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Maureen, Be careful what you wish for, And remember that once that you ring the bell You can't un ring it.

[PretzelGirl]

I am with the others. Take care in whether to move forward and only do it when certain. Then if you choose to make that change, take it head on and with confidence.

Here is what my therapist had me do. I wrote and transition plan and then he started quizzing me on the things that could go wrong or would be tough. Each item we explored whether I could deal with it. Would a family member no longer talk with me? What if I lost my job? And so on. After that, my resolve was locking in. Looking at and verbalizing these things is important.

[Marleena]

Maureen you likely won't hear many transition horror stories for 2 reasons.

1.Most people would hate to admit they failed.

2.Most transitioners seek the help of a gender therapist for help.

If your quality of life is diminishing from the effects of GD you should seek out a gender therapist.

All TS people should know the expected transition path as outlined in the TS roadmap. Transitioning will be more difficult for some than others due to finances, health, job, and marital status. Not everybody will or can make it to SRS.

[Beverley Sims]

Maureen,
If you are in any doubt don't do it.

Be thankful for what you have and if circumstances change consider another round of therapy.

When I was twenty........ :)

To be truthful twenty five.

I was considered a good candidate for transition as I was already on a hormone therapy trip to stimulate beard growth.

I already had little nubby breasts and well developed aureolas and of course my small bone structure was such that I looked like a girl anyway.

If I had known what I know now I would have transitioned along with two other girls who I might add have been very successful.

They live together as two sisters now and do have the occasional male admirers.

ME....
I stopped treatment, face hair eventually appeared and I became a man????

Been married to the same woman too long to have any regrets and I still enjoy life.

So don't go wishing for anything until you are sure that there is no other way.

As I said before be thankful for what you have got and consider if you need to change your life drastically and engineer a whole lot of new friends and lifestyle?

[sometimes_miss]

Maureen, it was hard to write this; it really was. And, you're going to have some angry people who will disagree with me. However. It must be said. Because I thought about transitioning, HRT and SRS a lot during my life. But the ultimate reasons were, what I wanted, and what was possible, were two entirely different things. First. It is not likely that you will ever pass as a woman. It is not likely that anyone will ever view you as a woman, no matter what anyone on these 'pink fogged' boards tell you. You will not be transitioning to female. You will be transitioning to become a transexual mtf, because that is how the vast majority of the world will see you. It's probably the main reason so few ever transition. You will not have the life of an attractive woman, and no man will fall in love with you and want to make you his wife, men attracted to mtf TS are there for sex only. Nor will any woman likely see you as sexually desirable and want you as a romantic partner either. Romantic relationships, never likely again, and you will probably spend the rest of your life alone. Think it's hard being a CD'er? That's nothing compared to being TS. Sure, you will see the success stories, Tula, Kim Petras, but even they have their difficulties. And we look nothing like them. I have the financial ability to transition, srs, the whole shebang. but the ultimate deciding factor: how will this improve my life? It will not. I will simply go from being a homely middle aged man who has limited romantic possibilities, to becoming a homely middle aged woman with absolutely none. For most of us, that's the only option. Becoming an attractive woman, which is what virtually all those who transition want, simply is not going to happen. Also, very often mtf TS wind up leaving their jobs, lose friends and family as well. Consider all the negative factors before jumping over the fence.

[Eryn]

If a "horror story" can possibly change your mind about transitioning then you shouldn't choose that path.

[arbon]

When people say transition can be hard they really mean it. I had a comparatively easy time of it I think and it was still at times very gut wrenching, heartbreaking, sad, lonely, incredibly stressful. And on making it to the other side I get to be the local tranny (which is okay, better then being a guy). i would not ever want to go through it again. Its one of those things you need to realize you could loose everything so be careful.

[PaulaQ]

If your goal in transition is to be a beautiful woman - you have the wrong goal in my opinion. Look at the genetic women around you. How many of them are strikingly beautiful, at least in the sense society calls beautiful. (I personally think all women are beautiful.) Passing is mostly a matter of time, practice, and in many cases surgery. (Generally to the face or breasts.) It takes resources to do this - either personal savings, or great insurance. Many of us opt for procedures that help us pass, such as we can afford, but bear in mind that for some period of time, it's likely you'll live as a not entirely passable (or not passable at all) trans woman. You can get through this, but it's tough.

As for relationships - plenty of us pair up with genetic men, women, or other trans*. If you are totally hung up on straight girls - yeah, you'll have little luck with relationships. Not everyone is a straight girl, some genetic women and men like trans bodies, even pre op. (Some especially like pre-op trans*). This isn't perfectly easy - but relationships aren't easy for everyone who's cisgender either.

The caution about losing everything is spot on. You really can lose everything to transition, money, job, status, friends, family, possessions, everything. You can face discrimination like you've probably never experienced it before.

If you make it through, you are faced with two choices, each with their downside:
1. Staying in place and being out as trans. The upside is you no longer have to hide. The downside is you are now an "other" - many won't consider you a real woman (although some will), you are just sort of a rarity. Unless you are a minority, handicapped, or have some other status that makes you an "other", you've likely never experienced anything remotely like this.
2. Going "stealth" - so you transition, move, start your life over, and make sure nobody finds out you were born a man. This isn't entirely easy to do, it's isolating because you can't reach out for support, and you live with a secret again. You get treated like a regular ordinary woman though, so your quality of life may be better. (Then you only have to deal with the crap women have to deal with - which is also a lot more than you are probably used to dealing with!)

In my case, so far I've lost the following:
- my marriage
- a home with my wife that I treasured
- much of my savings
- my observatory - a life long dream of mine. I'll never see it again.

I got off really, really lucky.

Look - I never wanted to be a woman, and I damn sure didn't want to transition. I was impossibly miserable in my body, and I couldn't take it anymore as a man and continue to live. This is a medical condition, and it was literally killing me. 41% of us attempt suicide - and I was amongst that number just last year. So what's your life worth? To me, getting to a point where I don't hate myself, don't hate my body, and don't want to die is worth the price.

[I Am Paula]

When it is time to transition, you will not care about horror stories. It will be the one all consuming thing in your life. While I certainly can't speak for everybody, I don't think choice, or timing come into it. I've also not ever met someone who could put off transition. When GD pulls the switch for you, you transition.
I can't agree with most of what Sometime_miss wrote. You become a woman. MtF trans is a temporary condition. There is love to be found out there for a woman with a transsexual past. It may be a little harder, and you'll meet some weirdos, but it's there. Depending on numerous factors, you may not pass. The world will treat you as a woman none the less, and offer you all due respect.
Transition is what you make it. sometimes_miss has not even done it, but is quick to condemn it. Mine has been a lovely journey of discovery, and acceptance. I was inhabiting a man's body, and now I'm a woman. I have not met anybody who has an issue with that.

[Aprilrain]

Get a therapist!

[Kate Simmons]

It's only as horrible as we, ourselves, make it Maureen. Really.

[DonnaT]

A number have ups and downs during transition, many lose relationships. However, they couldn't be more happier afterwards.

But then it seems, for a few, all is going well afterwards, but something goes wrong. Some find they need to transition back. Some commit suicide.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Penner

Make an informed decision by seeing a therapist; don't base it on other's stories.

[devida]

I think you may be doing what it is all too human to do, thinking way, way, far ahead of where you are, to some day where you are completely transitioned as a trans woman and thus, a woman. Instead of thinking that think about the next little step on the path to that. If you are presently so closeted that practically nobody knows you are trans why not start with just presenting yourself, through your clothes, mannerisms make-up and affect, as trans? In fact you don't even have to do this to the great world at large, but just to a few more people. Tell your friends. You will certainly find out who they are when you do. Tell your family members. Then move on to presenting as female at work and telling your coworkers and your boss. Take your time. You don't have to start HRT if you are so concerned about transitioning that you are asking for horror stories. That just makes it sound like you're trying to talk yourself out of it. Transitioning, from all accounts I have read and from my own paltry experience, is a brave and lonely path. Be brave first. Do you have the courage to come out as trans? Because every single thing we do in public takes a bit or a great amount of courage...and self confidence...and self esteem...and certainty that this path is right for us.

The great thing is, we don't have to do it all at once, or all the way, or half the way, or any more than dressing in private. There is the whole gender spectrum available to you. Use it as your playground. Don't be frightened. You are doing a wonderful thing when you work to be true to yourself instead of enslaving yourself to the fantasy of being true to what others think you should be.

[Karen7cd]

I had my car stolen by my ex-wife, been beat by her and then I was arrested. She got a restraining order that prevented me from seeing my kids for 6 months.
The courts gave her the house and I have to support her for life. I was not allowed to ever go back to the house and get any of my stuff.
The courts have ordered me to not dress as a woman anywhere that I might run in to my ex or any one that knows her or my children.
My ex called my 90 year old father, my siblings even another ex wife and told them about me cross dressing.
A while ago in this form I talked about when she stole my car and several did not believe me.
I expect I will hear from the same again.
You may wonder why would anyone do these things? My ex is gay and hated her father. She has hidden this from everyone. She is not dealing with her inner conflict.

[Confucius]

Well, its not my horror story, but if you are in a pink fog then I believe the strange case of Charles Kane may sober you up.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1327554/Charles-Kane-sex-change--hated-Samantha-man-Now-hes-getting-married-So-fiancee-crazy.html

This guy had it all, wealth, good looks etc., and lost it all. Then he changed his gender and was one beautiful trans-babe. However it was the worst thing that could happen to him. Check out the link.

Evidently, it isn't unusual.
http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-02-24-transgender-penner_N.htm?POE=click-refer

[PaulaQ]

Detransition is unusual, but it happens - I know people who've done it. You have a race between the severity of your GD, and the social pressure to "be a man". Sometimes alleviating your GD isn't worth the social cost - which is very high, by the way. People who fully transition, have SRS and multiple other surgeries who THEN detransition are pretty rare. By the time you've been on HRT long enough to get SRS, you should know whether or not it makes you feel any better. If it doesn't - you almost certainly should stop it and NOT consider further transition steps.

[KellyJameson]

I'm not sure it is possible to stop someone that "needs" to transition.

It is akin to asking someone to stop breathing because the air may be polluted.

Personally I would be happy if there was no such thing as transitioning because being able to transition may be what is partly causing the problems.

Transsexuals have been around since the beginning of time and somehow they found ways to cope before medical science made physical changes possible.

I could tell you to never transition unless you can pass because in my opinion those that cannot are risking stepping into a nightmare but who is to say that it would be for them.

Most of the problems I have witnessed are found in those who cannot make the social transition because they cannot make the physical transition.

Others were fine when they were young but had problems once they lost their physical beauty.

I personally do everything I can to discourage people over thirty from transitioning but at the same time this leaves me morally conflicted because who am I to say what is best for someone.

All I can say is everything I have seen seems to indicate that it is a very difficult road to transition late in life.

In my opinion it is very very important to make a believable presentation or you risk social isolation and all that goes with it.

I have no regrets "yet" and I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the life long anxiety is gone completely so whatever happens in the future at least I bought a reprive but I have also lived and breathed the transgendered life since my teens and never built a "male persona or life" that I was now going to disassemble to build something completely different.

My story is completely different from what I see on this forum, where something happens around forty or fifty and the person sort of snaps.

I have no clue what the straight cisgendered world feels like to live in because I never lived in it so the changes I made actually were not that great compared to what many are making.

Compared to what you are thinking about doing hardly anybody noticed in my world because I was always in between genders anyway.

My own personal opinion of people that transition late in life is that it is some kind of existential crisis brought on by the spectre of death as they feel time is running out and they are calling out for their mothers "by trying to become her" or some weird way to recapture their youth and lost or never lived sexuality.

This is not true for all late transitioners but clearly something else besides gender dysphoria is going on for the vast majority of them.

It sounds harsh and cruel to say that, but I have suffered all my life with gender dysphoria and it is hard to imagine having ignored that until I reach forty or fifty to finally do something about it.

Unless you can point to your life and say "yes my life has been trashed by gender dysphoria" I would strongly urge you not to transition.

It is my strong belief that gender dysphoria does not just make a magical appearance.

In my opinion it is either all or nothing.

Always there or never there.

Otherwise it is something else but being labelled as gender dysphoria.

Please don't transition unless your life is on the line because by doing so you could be risking your life "UNLESS" you can live as something physically in-between a man and a woman as how you will be seen by others.

I personally would not be able to do this because I lived in-between in my teens and twenties and it almost killed me. I needed to be seen clearly by others for what I am and to transition without that possibility, for me would be impossible to live with.

it would leave me feeling like an abomination which is how I felt living in-between genders throughout my teens and most of my twenties.

It is hard to have clarity when we do not or cannot give it to others.

We are both the mirror and the reflection that creates reality for ourselves and others and when this is distorted so to is reality distorted.

[Maureen]

I want to thank everyone that replied to this post. Whether your comments were insightful, or hurtful, they were in the end all helpful in some way.