Coming Out to People as an MtF Transsexual.

[tina99]

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Here are some coming out letters or emails for transsexuals.

They are on this board at
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?200698-Coming-Out-Letters-or-Emails-no-discussions-please .

I think that it's better to come out by letter or email than in person or on the phone. If you just told them by voice, they would just respond instinctively because they wouldn't have time to think about it.

It also may better to mail or email them first, then maybe send them a picture of you dressed female later, then finally visit them while dressed female.

A lot of people have the mistaken idea that if you're an MtF transsexual, then you must like guys, so you have tell them that Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation are two different things.

I know two transwomen who are non-op transsexuals who are happily married, and still have an active sex life. Neither have any plans to take hormones or get SRS, although their wives knew that they were non-op TS's before they got married.

I came out to my relatives by phone, so I don't have a letter that I can show you.

I sent my parents the book "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals," which is available from Amazon.com . There are also several good articles on the net you could refer them to.

That was 12 years ago, so there may be better books out now.

If anyone knows of any books that are better, please let us know.

And please let us know how you came out to others, as well as how people responded.

If you came out by letter or email, and found that it was a good way to come out, feel free to post it in the forum entitled "Coming Out Letters or Emails," at
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?200698-Coming-Out-Letters-or-Emails-no-discussions-please .

[JuliaC]

I would love to hear how more ladies came out as I am thinking of coming out to my family and friends. I am so nervous about their reactions though...

[PretzelGirl]

I have a little different perspective. I am coming out to as many people as possible face to face. I think it is easier to control the thoughts others have if you can see their expressions and reactions while they are seeing how serious and committed you are. It also tends to generate questions and conversations which become good because they result in total honesty. Letters don't do that and sometimes the phone becomes a nice shield for not having to continue discussing things.

My family is spread out all over creation, so it not realistic to fly to each of them to tell them. I actually apologized to my brother and older sister for not telling them in person. My mother is one I am still flying to as she will have a difficult time with it.

As far as my orientation? I am riding on the fact that my marriage is currently on track to stay intact as a sign of how I feel there.

So far I am batting a thousand. But it is early for me and I am, of course, hitting some that I have a better read on. I did tell my best friend in Texas who is also my daughter's uncle (now that is a story) and I am a little nervous on that one as he has become more religious since we were last together. He says we are good but time may change they. We have always been very close, so I am crossing my fingers there.

[tina99]

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I had only one relative who responded how I expected. That was my uncle, who is a pastor and a religious fundamentalist. He said that I was born (outwardly) male and that I was supposed to stay that way.

He failed to check my brain circuitry though :) .

I could have loaned him my Tektronix (http://www.tek.com/logic-analyzer/tla6400) logic analyzer.

Tina

[arbon]

If I had it to do over I would not have made such a big deal of it, like trying to explain it all to everyone I came out to.

[Aprilrain]

Most people don't really give a hoot, I came out to far too many people, not that it matters or that im trying to hide but those people simply are not a part of my life. I told the people who did mattered face to face.

[I Am Paula]

I don't know it I handled it perfectly, but it worked. My letter is at http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ussions-please . I came out to family, and very close friends in person. then other friends and business contacts by email. Finally, to throw it out in the open, started my female Facebook page.
I got nothing but support, and acceptance, and for sentimental reason, I keep the hundreds of congratulatory emails.
I have no idea what people say about me behind my back, but my God I have good friends to my face!

[Rianna Humble]

I definitely would not counsel anyone to do it the way that I did! Someone recognised me and contacted the local press. I agreed to an interview because they were going to publish the story come what may, but then a local reporter sold the story to the national gutter press who then sold it on before my story (often in the form perverted by the gutter press) went viral on the Internet. Not much chance of controlling the audience after that :eek:

I still don't understand why an almost unknown local politician in England is of such interest in Romania, China or South America :strugglin

[Starling]

I came out to a few people individually, face to face, and then invited them and a few more friends to dinner at my house and greeted them as myself. Not the best way, I'll admit, but it certainly sparked a lively discussion, the result of which I believe was greater understanding of what it means to be transsexual. I'm a bit embarrassed by the fact I subsequently halted my transition, after telling my friends I would be going full time very soon, but I do not in the least regret having come out. Nor did I swear anyone to secrecy. Coming out like that, even in a limited way, gave me a sense of great freedom, and if there's any gossip out there about me, I'm sure there was plenty before, anyway.

No gutter press yet, damn it!

:) Lallie

[Jorja]

I definitely would not counsel anyone to do it the way that I did! Someone recognised me and contacted the local press. I agreed to an interview because they were going to publish the story come what may, but then a local reporter sold the story to the national gutter press who then sold it on before my story (often in the form perverted by the gutter press) went viral on the Internet. Not much chance of controlling the audience after that :eek:

I still don't understand why an almost unknown local politician in England is of such interest in Romania, China or South America :strugglin

Yeah, most of us do not hold a press conference when coming out. :) Maybe we should though. Get it done and over with.

[PaulaAnn]

Hello all;I used the face to face method....I prefer to look a person in the eye while telling them of my true self. I told the people who matter in my life;and if anyone else finds out ,so be it. I was a bit more judicious though, in where I went until folk had become used to Paula.Moving to a different province probably helped the cause, and gave some people in my my former town a chance to understand it all.Apart from the disgust from my former wife,I had no problem with acceptance except for two long time friends who were less than impressed.It hurt, but I've come to grips with it now. I did answer many questions from my friends about who and what I am;no BS here.
I think it has worked out very well for all concerned.
PaulaAnn

[Angela Campbell]

To me it was far too important to tell my family face to face. A letter is far too impersonal for me. I sat each one down and told them why and what. I answered questions and sometimes cried. Only one I did this with is not supportive. All the rest are firmly on my side and understanding.

The only place I used a letter was at work. I talked with my HR people and we decided they would call all of the local employees in for a meeting and they would read a letter I prepared for them. This was done without me there and also included a talk about the company policies on non discrimination. After this meeting I was brought in to a face to face with all of them to answer any questions. It was very stressful but it turned out well. I am now fully accepted and even liked and respected there.

All the face to face went well even the one with my son who was ok at the time but later decided to completely avoid me. The only friends I came out to live across the country so I called them on the phone.

[Kathryn Martin]

I was in a similar situation as some of you. My family is all over the place most of them in Europe. Locally I am well known as a lawyer with a substantial litigation practice. I chose to talk to my family members by telephone and skype, met with one of children who is living close. Everyone else (roughly 450 clients, colleagues and the courts) received an email 3 days before my official transition date. The letter was short, brief and to the point, without much explanation. 2 hours after sending out the email I got calls from the press (one local one provincial) I politely declined to be interviewed about my "experience". To this day I have only given one interview to the magazine of my professional associations magazine three years after I transitioned.

For me two things were really important in my social and professional transition: controlling the message and making sure that my appearance did not become a distraction from my work. I achieved both and am very happy about it. Everyone moved on after about 3 weeks and most people today hardly remember what it was like before.

[tina99]

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I came out all to my relatives by phone, except for my sister, whom I sent an email to because I couldn't reach her by phone. They all lived more than an hour's drive from Seattle, where I was living, and I only saw them at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I just said, "Hello, I just changed my legal name to Tina," and emailed the same message to my sister.

I figured that if they were prejudiced against transsexuals, then I wanted them to
"Please Get Lost!"

Transsexuals are just another minority that some people just love to hate - even your prejudiced relatives.

I'd had several Latino friends over the years, and knew how much irrational prejudice they'd had to endure, so I had Zero tolerance for prejudiced people.

I was medically retired, so I didn't have an employer to come out to.

I had never gotten along well with my parents, and they occasionally caught me dressed as a girl from age 9 to 16. They both yelled at me whenever they did, although they never asked me why I did it. When I was 16, my mother said she would throw me out if I didn't stop dressing as a girl (so much for the Myth of Unconditional Love), so I was a lot more careful after that.

I've known I was transsexual since I was very young.

When I came out to my relatives 12 years ago, and told my mother that I'd just changed my legal name to Tina, she just said, "Oh, is that all ?" I thought that she would be the first one to disown me. I asked her whether she wanted me to tell my father, or if she wanted to. She said that she would. Later, my father called me and said, "I don't approve, but I accept you anyway." A few years later, after I'd moved to Los Angeles, I went up to visit them. My father said, "You seem a lot happier now" and they both said, "We're just glad you're happy."

After my sister, who is a devout atheist, got my message, she called me and just started swearing at me. I had figured that she wouldn't care at all. My brother didn't really care, but he didn't want his then 12 year old daughter to see me, because he thought it might warp her young mind.

My brother and sister both uninvited me to the last two Thanksgivings and the last Christmas that I lived in Seattle, and the holiday festivities were usually held at my sister's, because she had the biggest house. If I'd stayed in Seattle, the holiday season would have been a lot more stressful for me.

But I got called by the L.A. housing authority, which I'd applied to three years before, so I moved into a subsidized apartment in Los Angeles. L.A. is about 1,200 miles (about 2,000 km) south of Seattle. I've been back to Seattle twice in the last 10 years. My relatives are just where I want them - far, far away, although I still call my parents about once a month.

Most of my friends were people I'd met at the TG support group in Seattle when I came out, so I didn't have many other people to come out to.

I came out to my landlady by giving her my name change order. She was nice, so I didn't think she would care, but I also knew that she couldn't legally evict me, because of the LGBT protection laws in Seattle.

I had been thrown out of a church in Seattle by two singles group leaders there when I showed up as Tina before going full time, and two years later I went back. They had new leaders, and I came out there by saying, "There have been a few changes in my life," and pulled out my driver's license, which said, Tina ****, Female. Only one person refused to call me by my legal name, so I told him, "If you don't want to call me by my legal name, then just ignore me, because I don't want you getting me killed."

I lived in Guadalajara, Mexico for a year and a half until 2011, so almost no one in California or Mexico has ever known me as anyone besides Tina, although I have some TG friends in California who know.

People are usually surprised when - or if - I tell them I'm trans, so it's nice knowing people who have no preconceived notions of who I should be.

One friend in L.A. was surprised when I told him that I was trans. He said, "You're transsexual ? But you're so Normal !!!" I thought to myself, "Sorry, but I'm not a Jerry Springer girl :) ."

[vikki2020]

I'm going with the personal approach, face to face. After the telling the very closest to me, I started from the "outside", in---working my way up to people that are close to me. That gave me some confidence in telling my story, along with some very useful "practice". So far, so good. Work is a new experience, after 15 years, but, new meaning fun. I wasn't ready, but, I wish I did this 10 years ago!

[Dianne S]

I came out in person to everyone in my family who lives in the same city, and by phone to my sisters who live on the other side of the continent. The reactions were far more positive than I had anticipated and it got so much easier the more people I told. I'm sorry your family members were not accepting; that must have hurt. I feel incredibly lucky that everyone in my family accepts me for who I am.

Now that I've told my family, I'm in a holding pattern waiting for spiro and HRT. I expect to come out completely and go full-time within 12 months or so. The hardest people to come out to, I think, will be my work colleagues. I'm not really looking forward to that. Luckily, I own the company so no-one can fire me for being trans. :)

[Nigella]

Like many on here, it was a mixture of methods. Those who mattered to me and had a direct impact on my life were told face to face. This included family and friends and some colleagues. Others were informed in writing, this was mostly the remainder of my colleagues and some necessary public bodies etc. Quite a large proportion, and of course, Joe public got the "shock treatment", that is seeing me out and about.

[PaulaQ]

I used a combination of methods:
1. Telling close friends and family / wife / kids in person. I found this went the best - I got to tell my story, and answer questions. I followed up a few days later to talk to them again.
2. Getting outed by my wife, in her grief and fury. Saved me a lot of work, and hey, I didn't really plan on going back to that town anyway... (Waaay less sympathy this way!)
3. I used Facebook months and months later, to just cover people I wasn't close enough to for a personal meeting.

I haven't quite decided what method I'll use to come out to my coworkers, since I work remotely, this hasn't been a pressing issue. (My management and HR has known for some time.) I'm thinking about how to do this, and am pretty much of the opinion that I don't want some horrible meeting / dog & pony show. I'm thinking of just sending out an email and photo to people that email me directly saying:

"Hi, I'm called Paula now. I'm a girl. You're smart or you wouldn't work here. Deal with it. Thanks!"

But I'm sure I'll be a little more tactful than this! ;)