My plan backfired. I am such a goof.

[FemPossible]

For a few months now I've been planning on going out en femme for the first time ever. I got one of my sisters to agree to help me with my wig and makeup and whatever else I need. I don't know when I'm actually going to do it but I'm hoping next month or at least sometime this summer. In order to do this, I would have to come up with an extremely elaborate plan.

But I don't think I could pull off all of the lying and secrecy. Especially if something goes wrong and I have to go to her house again and again. I figured it would be easy to let my mother in on it. However it would be under the guise of a Halloween costume. This doesn't come off as strange because I always try to make a costume or decorate the house for Halloween.

Here's where it goes horribly wrong. In all of my infinite wisdom, I decided to ask major questions first so that crossdressing wouldn't seem so intense. I asked what my mother would think if my sister (who is bi) decided to become a man. She said she'd love her but she'd still consider her, her daughter. Then I asked what would she think if I decided to become a woman. She paused and asked "you're not gay are you?". I said no and then she says she'd still love me and she'd respect our decision but she'd still see us as her daughter and son.

Afterwards she was very quiet and would often not respond to anything I said to her. I asked her if she's ok and she said "sure, but you keep asking these gay questions". I felt like I was having a panic attack or some variant. What does my mother think of me now? She seems legit when she said my questions didn't bother her but I could tell that they did. I never thought that asking a few questions jokingly would have such an impact on me.

[Annaliese]

Stop the games, and talk to her, as a parent that is what I would want.

[ronny0]

Stop the games, and talk to her, as a parent that is what I would want.

I agree 100%
Also: Your mom might have been expecting grandchildren, now your new questions. Plus her asking if you are gay, might be confusing her.

[Rachelakld]

Yep, poor mum is so confused.

[Tami Monroe]

I agree with the others. Quit beating around the bush and talk to her. She would probably be more understanding of your situation if you are upfront and honest. I do have to wonder why your sister being bi is no problem to her, but for her, the mere thought you might be in the slightest way gay is an issue.

[Beverley Sims]

Yes,
Your questions were too pointed.
Tell her the truth so as all suspicion can be wiped away.

More subtle questions may have let you see how your mother felt.

[devida]

So we all have this huge horrible problem with muddling up sex, gender and sexuality. It is clear your mum has this confusion. Do you? If you don't maybe you can educate her. It is quite simple but language, culture and social pressures work to make it incredibly difficult to understand. Here it is:

Sex is what's between your legs.
Sexuality is who you would like to make love to, who attracts you.
Gender is how you identify yourself.

For most people gender is dead simple. They say I am a man. I have man bits between my legs. I like women (or I like men) as partners for intimacy. I am a heterosexual or homosexual male. Enough said!
Or I am a woman. I have women bits between my legs. I like men as sexual partners (or women). I am a heterosexual female or lesbian.
Or I am a man or a woman. I'll have sex with practically any adult male or female in sight. I am pansexual.

Those are the simple ones.

Your mum only has experience of the simple ones.

You are not simple.

You identify as something other than the gender you were assigned at birth. This identity is much more important to you than who you would want to sleep with. That's easy. That's just attraction. You are talking about who you are. And that isn't what they put on your birth certificate.

Now maybe you feel like you are really a woman, and if so, why you really are a woman.

Or maybe you feel like you are something not quite a woman but not quite a man. Then that is what you are. You are non binary, somewhere on the gender spectrum and maybe that changes all the time.

Maybe you mostly feel like a man but really really like sometimes feeling like a woman.

This is all real and all legitimate.

You get to choose the way you describe who you are. Neither your mum, nor society, nor your friends, teachers, or authorities have this power. The power is entirely yours.

But if you want to have this power you must be able to educate the people, like your mum, who love you. You must learn what it means to have a gender that is different from the gender most people accept as their gender simply because a doctor looked between their legs and assigned that gender to them.

You can do it. Be brave. Be yourself!

Be proud of being transgender.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I don't know how old your Mom is, but parents most likely have some reasonable expectations of the children they brought onto this planet. Probably Mom did not expect this, thus she was quiet about it. My own Mom most likely knew about me but she said little. Over time we developed a nice Mother / son relationship and did not talk about anything. Mom's gone now, and I hope she is at peace knowing that I did many other things to satisfy her expectations as her only son.

[FemPossible]

You guys are absolutely right. But this is something that's easier said than done. I thought that because my family wasn't so close that this would be easy. I have a whole new respect for people who come out to their family. Because if whatever this silliness I did can make me feel bad, I can only imagine how some people feel coming out as CDs, gay, transsexual etc.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o FP, Was it a backfire, or a bold step forward? You heard her answer, she's accepting,
but you left her guessing and confused. Time for a talk with mom maybe? Sounds scary, but its just mom.
Who could love you more?
Much Love,
Kristyn

[ReineD]

I never thought that asking a few questions jokingly would have such an impact on me.

Well, you didn't ask her those questions jokingly. You did have a plan, and this was to ask major questions to eventually get your mother used to the concept, once you tell her about wanting to dress for Halloween.

Like the others I think you should tell her everything. She is wondering what is going on and she may even be worrying. Do tell her that you are not gay, you are interested in girls, but you are also a crossdresser and you do not plan on becoming a woman.

You could find some resources online that explain to families what the CDing is all about, and give your mother a link. This is the link that my SO sent me when he first told me about the CDing:

http://www.tri-ess.org/docs/cd01.html

Here's another resource:

http://www.gendercentre.org.au/resources/fact-sheets/old/cross-dressing-information.htm

Be sure to read both of them carefully and if they don't exactly fit who you are, either do not give your mother the links (find other ones), or explain to your mother the difference between you and how those websites explain the crossdressing.

[Marcelle]

HI there. The good thing is your mother did not run away screaming. The bad thing is that you left her most likely confused. I agree with the others, you have opened Pandora's Box with your questions, now it is time to come clean and explain to her what you mean.

Hugs

Isha

[Tracii G]

You put too much thought into your elaborate plan.Talking about things like this have to come from the heart.
You owe her an explanation sister.

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi FemPossible, when I came out to my wife, her major worry was that I was actually in to men. I agree -have an open conversation with your Mom. You've opened a big can of questions and badly confused her. You have her love regardless. I humbly suggest being more candid and reassuring. Answer her questions frankly. And certainly that you're still the son she loves. Best of fortune.

[Confucius]

If I were you (and I am not), what I would do is tell your mom that you support your sister whether she is bi, straight, or transgendered. You support gender equality, and the freedom for orientations to express themselves. You plan on cross-dressing in the next month or so, with your sister's help, to get a better prospective on gender inequality. You want to challenge social convention and learn more about gender roles. You hope to make a pretty convincing female for this project, and you don't want to shock your mother. This is not part of some deception. You want your mother to know what is going on, and you want her support, but you don't want to make her upset either. Let her know that you are not gay, or a transsexual, or anything like that. Then you can tell her that your first presentation will be to your mother, and will seek her opinion on this.

She will want to know what you plan on doing en femme, and how long your project will run. You can tell her that you plan on going "out" but you don't have the details worked out. Ask her for suggestions. She will want to know what you expect to accomplish, and you can tell her that you will learn about gender roles, gender bias, gender inequality, and get a better idea of what exactly you believe and understand about social conventions.

If your mom seems to tolerate your cross-dressing then you may decide to make it a more permanent project.